"You might know this little guy here--Ryan!"
Wednesday, January 14, 2009 
Why, yes, Tamra! I think I do remember the lad. Isn't he your perpetually unemployed fucktard son whom you affectionately refer to as a "man-whore"? The one you hired to bone Gretchen help tend bar at your formal party for the Housewives? Yes, I am familiar with him.
Many of you have washed your hands of Real Housewives of Orange County because this episode was offensive on so many levels, even by reality tv standards. To you I say, please avoid Rock of Love Bus; it's even worse, if you can imagine. I'm not even going to cover the events in the first 40 minutes of this week's RHOC, because really it was just filler leading up to the debacle that was Ryan and Gretchen (and Tamra). Well, maybe I'll cover 18 year old Raquel's drunken bowling, but only to illustrate the point that microphones do not magically turn off when you are engaging in monkey business in the bathroom--a lesson that would have been of benefit to Ryan and Gretchen as well.
To set the scene: Tamra takes an etiquette class because Simon is British (!) and thinks Tamra could use a little instruction. To practice her newly learned manners (oh, the IRONY), she decides to host a formal dinner party at her house, catered by Top Chef contestant Brian Malarkey (who, incidentally, is adorable--what's his story? Anyone?). Tamra asks for tequila to be incorporated into the menu because Sir Simon's new business venture has something to do with tequila.
Let me back up a bit. Through the first 40 minutes of the show, we see Gretchen really struggling with the emotional burden of her terminally ill fiance. He is has been in the hospital for a long stretch and recently told her that he doesn't want to live any more. She knows that it's not good for her to spend every waking moment at the hospital, but says that if she takes a break, she feels guilty which is made even worse by other people (TAMRA) judging her.
Economic Note: did you all catch a glimpse of Gretchen's fancy-pants pedicure? And those long-ass French manicures on everyone? Swear to God, nail salons in OC must be recession-proof.
Back to the party. Ryan has decided that he now wants to have a career as a bartender, so Tamra hires him for the night to be a "bartender's helper." Considering how much he talks about getting drunk and how much we see him getting drunk, I would expect Tamra to have a little more faith in his tequila-pouring abilities, but whatever. She knows him better than we do.
Everyone arrives. Doesn't this look like a happy crowd?
I think Vicki left her WOOHOO at home.
Dinner is served. One of my biggest pet peeves is when picky eaters make barf faces/noises when served food they don't like. Either eat it or don't, but don't make it a big fucking production, especially if you are at a party and ESPECIALLY if it is scallops prepared by a cutie-pie Top Chef dude.
I am so sorry, Donn. Truly. (Team Donn, please click HERE for a way to show your love and support. Many thanks to creative and hilarious Megan at BB8 for making this happen.)
Tamra makes a toast and gets teary-eyed as she says "I think of you all as family." Once again, Lynne stuns with a brilliant deadpan (stoned) comment to the camera: "I don't think she realized Frank and I were there." HA!
Simon asks Tamra to tell everyone what she has learned in manners class. Tamra talks about "Euro-peens" and demonstrates the Continental style of eating. Gretchen, who's already had a little too much alcohol, does a toungue-y XXX version of the Continental. She proceeds to make orgasm sounds and suggestive remarks at the table that cause everyone at the table to do a double-take. She announces that she hasn't gotten laid in 8 months. It's all rather inappropriate and full of FORESHADOWING.
Meanwhile, Tamra is conspiring with Vicki to get Gretchen even more drunk--"naked drunk," in fact, and "we're gonna try and make her do something stupid." Why? Tamra thinks that Gretchen is a phony and that the tequila will bring out her "dark side." Even though it's obvious that Gretchen is already hammered, Tamra is shouting "Gretchen needs another shot!" and there's this creepy wink-wink thing going on with Vicki and her. As all of this is going on, smarmy Ryan is all over Gretchen like white on rice, and she's drunk and starved for attention and flirting like crazy. We're all watching helplessly as Tamra's evil plan starts to unfold and Gretchen gets more and more out of control:
Not pretty. Check out Jeana's expression (and Tamra's).
And Lynne's:
Lynne tells the camera, "It was not good. I was worried for her." You know that when pothead Lynne's worried, there's a problem. Jeana looks very uncomfortable throughout and says "Gretchen didn't need much convincing" when it came to doing more shots, and that she is "very concerned because [Gretchen] had no control of her actions." (look at all of these quotes! I feel like I'm writing a term paper, for God's sake!)
The mutual flirting and touching escalate. OH SHIT.
Know what Vicki says to the camera? "What Ryan and Gretchen do is none of my business. If they want to hook up, I don't care." NICE. Thanks for reminding everyone why you are such a world-class bitch.
Then comes the clincher on the whole Tamra-is-the-devil issue. Lynne reports that she and Frank have offered to take Gretchen home, but Tamra declined on Gretchen's behalf, saying that Gretchen will spend the night at Tamra's (lair). OH SHIT again. Is there any question that Ryan and Gretchen's rooms will just happen to adjoin?
Next, Tamra tells the camera with barely disguised glee that she notices that Ryan and Gretchen have disappeared from the party. What a sick mofo.
Cut to a bathroom door where we hear Gretchen's slurred whisper "I am engaged to a very nice man" and "you totally turn me on." Totally edited, but still. Not good. Not good AT ALL. We are left with a "to be continued."
Nice work, Tamra. Way to take advantage of a woman in the midst of a personal tragedy and pimp out your son.
Let's discuss this. No doubt Tamra's behavior was deplorable, but what is Gretchen's responsibility in all of this? She's a big girl. Yes, she was vulnerable, but no one was forcing her to take those shots and nuzzle Ryan (icky). At some point, no matter how drunk and sad you are, don't you say to yourself "this is all being filmed and I'd better shape up before I ruin my life"?
Opinions, please.
Reader Comments (56)
I'm just over it, I really am. I used to like the show, and then I realize that I've gone completely delusional because I find myself sticking up for gold-digging Wretchen and I'm over it.
*makes barfy, pukey face*
That episode was entertaining in a mortifying sort of way. The women are evil, evil bitches. I miss the Zoe. :-(
I honestly haven't even been able to watch this episode. Waaay to embarrasing for me. My husband actually watched the last part [I'm sure because he wanted to see Gretch get naked] and filled me in on Tamra. I'm beginning to really hate her.
I will most def be joining the Donn fan club.
Ugh. Tamra used to be my fav... but, my feelings for her have really gone from amusement, to shock, to disgust. This show was honestly diturbing. I cannot believe that grown women can behave worse than a catty group of junior high girls. It's really sad.
But, I am still going to watch the show. I might feel emotionally disturbed, but I can't quit.
It made me so depressed to watch this show. What the heck is wrong with these women? They all have daughters, is this how they want their own children treated? Just disgusting. They are gross, evil and ugly.
It made me so depressed to watch this show. What the heck is wrong with these women? They all have daughters, is this how they want their own children treated? Just disgusting. They are gross, evil and ugly.
It made me so depressed to watch this show. What the heck is wrong with these women? They all have daughters, is this how they want their own children treated? Just disgusting. They are gross, evil and ugly.
This show has really gone to pot if you ask me...And was it only random to me that they started calling each other potheads?! who knew codo was full of dope heads..but if we think about it - "Weeds" started in the same kinda neighborhood...maybe they all sit around on their time off taking bong hits.
We know things have taken a turn for the crazy when I am sticking up for Gretchen and her polka dot toes. *namaste* really? a belly top to yoga?
I found the show to be wonderful and only wish that my mom would have provided me such opportunities.
I really don't blame Tamra at all. Gretchen is a grown woman and is 100% responsible for her actions. It goes far beyond getting drunk when you are doing it in front of the cameras. Now you are parading your classless self for the world (including your dying fiancee) to see.
Tamra is a bitch but she didn't have to do much pushing to get Gretchen into a situation that no decent, self respecting person would EVER be in.
nasty! I haven't seen this one and I'm not sure if I can sit through it now...gives me goosebumps. Tamra is just a jealous fool. uh huhhhhh. snap.
As for Malarky, he's a chef at Oceanaire in San Diego. His performance on top chef was erratic, but he managed to make it to the finals, coming in either 4th or third-i can't remember. He's hetero and married, i believe. SGM, you should be watching Top Chef!
Cut Gretchen a break guys, she's just young and stupid and desperate for attention. Vicky and Tamra, on the other hand, are old enough to know better. As for being a gold digger, well they all are, so it's a level playing field.
Wow--I could not delete this episode from my Tivo fast enough. It made me feel dirty to watch and made me detest every single one of the housewives. Even the ladies who were not schemers or drunks behaved disgracefully by not stepping in to mediate. Gross. Kimberly and Scott never would have let this happen had they stayed in Coto! I am starting to miss them.
Oh SGM, your pics today remind me that in this last epidose, every time Ryan's skeezy, twitchy, man-whore hands touched Gretchen's bare skin, MY skin crawled! So why didn't hers?!! Too drunk? Too desperate and lonely? I tell ya, icky Ryan would snap me right back to full clarity. Yuck! Get away!!
I missed it but loved your recap. This is one those shows that sucks you in!
Tamra is one sick mo'fo. As well as being beyond trailer park trash. 1st, I would never pimp my son to ANYONE, EV-UH, at ANY AGE! She's like the mean girl from Trailer Park High School.
My head is spinning. Will have to gather the rest of my thoughts later. But what is this about Gretchen not being divorced from a previous marriage? Any truth to that?
Oh, and about all the manicures on these "sophisticated" women, I used to live in Newport Beach and the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) is littered with Asian owned nail salons that ALL charge $20 bucks for a mani/pedi. Yes, I'm talking both, $20. Had one on my last visit a few months ago...
as I told you already sgm, this was like sitting down and having someone, unexpectedly, show me a snuff film. I feel like I need a lobotomy to get some of these images out of my head.
{go donn}
I echo Kelly's statement: "I might feel emotionally disturbed, but I can't quit." SO TRUE!
I will post something later to "cleanse our palette." Sorry--couldn't resist!
I do watch Top Chef this season and I love it. I usually can't watch food shows because I get pissy watching delicious food late at night.
Not sure about the whole Gretchen first marriage deal. I know she was married before, but I'll have to investigate the divorce.
Oh SGM, your recaps rock my world.
I hated Tamra by the end of this episode, just the thought that she could pimp her disgusting son out makes me want to PIMMAL. And he is so CREEPY. I told my hubby that I guessed maybe if I'd drank as much as Gretchen, Ryan would be blurry enough to be attractive, but I doubt it.
Vicki needs to leave the show. Hubby calls her Miss Piggy.
It shows that Gretchen had no real friends there. Had she, and someone really cared they would have stopped this. Tamra I cant stand. She will get what is coming to her for sure because you cant be that way and expect good things to come your way. Vicki is such a hater so she didnt care. Let it had been her precious Brianna who I love by the way because she is nothing like her mother. And her son cant stand her. I say Don will be leaving soon. They wont make it till the end. Gretchen is really hurting and she should have been a big girl but thats where friends come in to help, not Tamra. And the kid, Lynns daughter is a mess. I could believe what I was hearing because she is clueless. Then Bravo posts a message saying they dont agree with all this madness. They probably provided the brew to Tamra for free.
omg. this episode was painful to watch!! I actually thought about the blog post you'd do as I was watching. Ryan & Gretchen??!!! Ewww, so awkward. Ryan is way creepy. And what was up with Tamra egging her on, supplying the goods? That girl made such a fool of herself, so so sad. And Vicki, does she not include Don in anything?? She needs a serious reality check. awesome re-cap as always!
the thing about real girlfriends is that if they saw you going down a scary [drunk] path. They would make the effort to get you to a better place ie: remove you from the situation [Lynn was the only one there who even attempted to help]
not "offer up to stay the night" in a home that houses a total man-whore.
wouldn't a normal mom tell his son, ENOUGH! get the F*ck out of here now!
Tamara's handling of the situation both her son's and tanking a fellow female [if not her friend] was disgraceful. It represents a new low on what women will do to one another, in order to feel better about they're sorry-ass lives.
If I ever saw Vicki in real life I think I would implode. The faces she was making were completely offensive.
T-Hussy makes me sick to my stomach. G-Money is responsible for her own actions, but T-Hussy's fake defense of her "spending time in the hospital, give her another shot" bull was vindictive and cruel.
I hope all their plastic melts this summer.
I am agreeing with all the comments for the most part. But I have to wonder how much of what was goin' down wasn't being directed by bravo. The other thing is why, if these women are so wealthy, do they seem to be so trashy? And why does Bravo think this is such great reality? This is so high schoolish it ain't even real to me.
And while everyone is ragging on the women, what about the men. They have some culpability in this whole mess too. Did anyone catch Simon calling Gretchen Greedy? Did anyone think it was cute that these guys didn't step in when their wives got so out of control? I'm sure the attitude is boys will be boys but, come on....these guys are just as disgusting as their wives. Even Donn, (who by the way seemed to be turned on by the whole mess) didn't have the decency to intervene. Great guys, right? Trash, all of them. But I am pretty sure this is scripted by some guys sitting around a conference room saying....."wouldn't it be funny if we....". How demeaning for them all.