"I'm not being mean, I'm really being helpful"
Thursday, January 22, 2009 
Oh gosh, Vicki, thanks for clearing that up. I had no idea that nonstop lecturing, shutting other people down, and death stares were "helpful." Personally, I would have classified it as "rude asshole." My mistake!
If you made it through this episode without having any sort of violent fantasy about Vicki, then please leave a comment to that effect and I will email the Pope, because you are a candidate for sainthood. More on that later. Recap time!
1. After the big build-up of the "TO BE CONTINUED..." Gretchen and Ryan drama, nothing happens. Dammit, Bravo! Such a tease. However, after they leave the bathroom, they reconvene on the patio where Ryan puts his arm around Gretchen's waist and is rewarded with a nice, solid feel of side-boob.
Tamra tells the camera that Ryan offered to drive Gretchen home, but that Tamra said no, that's a bad idea. Tamra, I don't understand you. You spend all night trying get Ryan some action and then you cockblock at the last minute? What the hell?
2. Jeana is depressed about the end of her marriage. To illustrate the point, Bravo shows Jeana's messy bedroom and how she is completely joyless when she flat-irons her hair. We also see her clutching her dogs and trying to get them to pay attention to her in front of the camera.
When she meets with her trainer, she looks like the living dead. He does some motivational speaking that seems to have no effect and then they go on a walk.
You know what? I think you're allowed to be sad when your marriage ends. Come in for a hug, Jeana. It will eventually all be okay.
3. It's Tamra's turn to host the neighborhood stay-at-home mom and kiddie pool party. Gretchen shows up,
and SURPRISE! Ryan does too!
Tamra says that Ryan was hoping to pick up where he left off. He did this by showing Gretchen his irresistable inner-lip "nugget" tattoo. Brilliant move. Didn't work.
Tamra tells the camera "I think Gretchen's envious of me and where I am in life" and ALSO, "she needs to stop partying and get serious." I totally agree. Everyone knows that being the sole caretaker of a terminally ill fiance is a neverending PAR-TAY! Gretchen needs to stop spending all of her time in the fun-factory that is ICU and grow up already.
Tamra introduces Gretchen to her friends. There's a lot of talk about fake boobs, and everyone has them except for Gretchen. Tamra is smug as she tells the camera that Gretchen had little bit of boob envy. Well, obviously! Who wouldn't want sun-damaged XXL tits of granite?
I'm being rather harsh, aren't I? I need to move on.
4. Vicki founded this networking group and she's getting an award for it at a party hosted by Jeana. Vicki tells the camera how everything she touches is gold and how society would collapse without her, etc. (not those exact words, but that was what she meant). Right when I am about to nod off, she receives her award and FALLS ON HER ASS.
My first thought was, that is so fucking awesome! My second thought was, did the force of the fall cause her shirt fall off? No, that's just Vicki wearing her age-inappropriate halter top. Jesus. She stays on the ground a little bit and milks it. Donn tries to be kind about it. Vicki eventually gets up and struts around with her award like it's the gd Nobel Peace Prize.
She might as well be screaming "PLEASE LOVE ME!"
Psych 101, people.
5. Lynne is taking a shot at being a jewelry designer. The name of her business is called Cuff Love, and she custom designs cuffs at her dining room table with a glue gun and a box of crap from Hobby Lobby.
We don't actually see the glue gun and the box of crap, but that was the whole feel of this scene. As I watched her glue things on, tear them off and then glue something else on the same cuff, I was guessing that it would cost her $3 tops to make one of these things, and that they would retail for $15 or so.
We soon learn that Lynne, with no background in jewelry design, sells these homemade cuffs for $225 - $375. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What dumb motherfuckers are buying these?! Oh yeah, FRED SEGAL, as we find out later in the show. Speechless.
6. Jeana and Gretchen have lunch. Gretchen says that Jeff's ex-wife is causing trouble. Jeana says something like, "wow, couldn't you be a little easier on her?" and Gretchen says that she knows how to handle the situation because "this is the third ex-wife that's caused a problem." Jeana, confused, asks "how many ex-wives does Jeff have?" The answer? FIVE. FIVE EX-WIVES. Jeana burst out laughing. Not so fast, Jeana--Jeff is your new hero. He's gotten over 5 divorces, so why are you all sad about two?
7. The ladies take a limo to Fred Segal for some shopping. Vicki makes a big scene about WORKING and brings her laptop. "It's a waste of an hour if you're not working," she says, which translates to "I consider talking to all of you a waste of my time." Why doesn't someone call her on this bullshit?!
Vicki says that she's just so BUSY and needs an assistant in the limo! Lynne volunteers, and Vicki says dismissively, "I need someone who knows how to work." Cut to Lynne, who's being interviewed by the camera--she flips Vicki off for a full 5 seconds. TEAM LYNNE!
8. At Fred Segal, the housewives get the opportunity to design their own fragrance. In order to do that, everyone has to describe what kind of scents they like/dislike. Gretch says that she likes flirty and floral, Lynne says that she likes beachy and patchouli (not kidding) and do you know what Vicki says? "I'm a business woman." She's totally contrarian and hates everything she smells. omg, I want to THROTTLE her.
9. Gretchen and Jeana shop around a bit and check out some high end vibrators.
Gretchen sticks it in her ear. Kinky!
10. Everyone heads to the Viceroy (so beautiful) for lunch.
Discussion turns to Gretchen, and how she will support herself if Jeff dies. It's a moral issue, as in "is it okay to ask my dying fiance whether I will be taken care of when/if he dies." Vicki immediately launches into an insurance lecture, and things get heated because whenever anyone else tries to voice an opinion, Vicki interprets it as an attack on insurance. When Lynne mentions that it might not be sensitive to bring up money while the guy is on his deathbed, Vicki says "I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 20 YEARS. STOP BEING CONFRONTATIONAL," with barely controlled rage.
Vicki, I know you won't listen to me either, but chill the fuck OUT. You sell insurance. It's not brain surgery. Life insurance beneficiaries get money--it does not take 20 years of owning an insurance agency to understand that. This really had nothing to do with insurance anyway; the issue was whether Gretchen should approach Jeff about money. You were trying to make Gretchen do what you wanted and when Lynne didn't agree, you flipped out. Everything about your behavior in this scene made me want to fly to Coto and give you a good smack in the head with your laptop.
If you disrespect Donn in the next episode (as was suggested by previews), SO HELP ME GOD, I will force you to ride in a limo with your friends and no wi-fi, which is apparently your worst nightmare.
Whew. I've been dying to get all of that out. Felt good.
Please discuss.
Reader Comments (37)
I think Lynne flipping off the camera was my favorite part ever. And I'm not talking about just this episode- I mean in the entire series. In all of four seasons.
You can't just make up perfection like that. LOL.
I love your recaps- I'm laughing out loud at all of it. :)
I haven't seen this episode yet but after reading your recap, I can't wait. Sounds like a good one! Thanks for brightening my day!
Sad. Can we call child services on these idiots? How about an episode on parenting classes??
Regardless, can't wait for RW of NYC to start!!
I can't get enough of these awesome recaps. SO funny.
I have to say: In #9, Gretchen looks like she could be an American Gladiator, and strangely enough, that would somehow be better than the truth. In the pic, she has it all: man face, the perfect AG hair, giant shoulders, no boobs, and a top with a terrible shape for her man body.
Anyone else see an American Gladiator here?
I would die for some sun damaged XXXL tits. Ha!
And Ryan creeps me the fuck out. He looks like a vulture.
I will cry if Gretchen gets boob implants. And I really don't know why Jeanna was so anti-vibrator.
I love Gretchen for shutting Ryan down. Even when she was toasted, she kept the priorities straight. Aging sugar pepaw -- yes! 23 year old jr. sexual predator 'nugget' -- not so much! And Tara is just plain gross. She even wants her own son to acknowledge how 'hot' she is. Gross! And the etiquette classes - hah! You can take the girl out of the trailer park...
Vicki continues to represent as an aging Who from Whoville whom no one can ever love enough. I like Jeana. She will be hot when she drops a little weight. Look out Tara! Lynne had my heart when she gave the middle finger to Vicki. Awesomeness! And that's my take on this fuckery. Thanks for a great recap. : )
No kidding, I LOVED it that Gretchen shut Ryan down. He looked pretty pathetic basically begging her. I loved it when Gretchen said it would be difficult to get to know Jeanna because she always makes it seems like she's fine. That Gretchen is not as stupid as she looks :-)
Vicki continues to annoy me. She did not disappoint in this episode and actually got me feeling sorry for the pothead one.
Another good recap!!! Happy Friday!
so good, so good. I actually hit the pause button rewinded the part when Lynne said how much her junky cuffs sell for. Are you kidding me???? I need to get me in the cuff business.
I can't get my own stuff into Fred Segal...this was a total ad buy via FS....
if only I had giant fake boobs I too could be selling my letterpress'd cards via tv.
Tamra, you're a wreck and the fact that you think otherwise is even more amusing to me than you could ever know. Thank you.
Gretchen, anyone in their right mind, engagement or not, should not want to hook up with their friend's son who looks like an aging riverboat casino card dealer coming off a three day coke bender. You do not get props for shuting him down, you get the big EWW for flirting with him period.
Droopy Dog, your job is not that important. Ya know how people make jokes about insurance salesmen? You are the reason. Have a nice trip, see you next fall.
Lynne, I was waiting for everyone to love you. I'll forgive you for the Patchouli.
Jeana, I am sorry your husband is a dick, but you're gonna be okay. You were in the ZZ Top "Legs" video and that makes you eternally awesome.
Viceroy, I will never come back there if you continue to let in riff raff. Fred Segal, same goes for you.
SGM, I deem you an honorary housewife. You can be a little bit Don the Tolerant, NeNe the Fabulous, and Ramoner the Crazy. Bless your recaps.
vicki...I live a few hours from you. If SGM can't make it I'll be there representing team donn. really, don't got there with us.
also, did I hear that someone saw beauty in the great design that is the 'Viceroy'? and something about 'wish my bedroom looked like this'? I feel a ray of hope for the homes of coto.
all i know, is that even at 8 o'clock at night in the comfort of my living room, i feel the urge to put on sunscreen whenever i see these "ladies". the idea of my skin ever looking like that strikes fear in my heart!
"sun-damaged XXL tits of granite"
now that's just plain genius!
Well said Lucinda... no props are in order for shutting the nugget down. I stand corrected. It is appalling that he got as far as he did! Poor man-whore! Perhaps I am in the wrong demographic to appreciate the many wonders of rape face and predator profile. And let's not forget what lies beneath the clothing... fugly tattoos anyone? Ahhh... Ryan inspires on so many levels... mostly he inspires me to keep an eye on my drink in the bar!
My apologies to 'Tamra' for misspelling her name in the above post. I was still reeling from her exquisite beauty and elegance. Gotta go put on some sunscreen now. Holla!
Ugh, ugh, ugh, Vicki! How do these other women stand to hang out with her and her "finagling" all the time??? Put. The. Laptop. Down. Jeez, there's nothing more rude...
Also, Tamra is looking to' up from the flo' up. Has she always looked like this? Too much makeup and over-processed hair and I just never noticed? Or is she trying so hard to look young and MILF-y and failing horribly???
No time to comment just yet...I'm hurriedly gluing pine cones, and assorted yard findings, to plastic cuffs before heading over to Nordstrom where I expect they'll sell for BIG $$$...
LOL
Only caught bits'n'pieces of this episode so your breakdown is much appreciated. I need to see where Gretchen shuts him down!
Awesome, awesome recap! I seriously want Vicki and Tamra voted off the island. They are both despicable. I'm waiting for Donn to grow a pair and tell Vicki to go to hell.
When Vicki fell? I rewound that part about 50 times and LAUGHED MY ASS OFF each and every time.
And Lynne's bracelets? Totally tacky.
Vicki falling and Lynne flipping off the camera totally made my week.
Also, Lynne's cuffs are completely ridiculous. I can't believe she was ever able to pass them off as something worth $225.
I'm surprised nobody has mentioned they thought Jeana seemed completely out of it the entire episode. She seems medicated. You could barely even hear her. Comments?
I was so happy when Vicky fell - karma baby!! And it may be my imagination - wishful thinking perhaps - but I noticed that nobody was rushing to help "poor" Vicky off the floor.....that made it even better, woo hoo!!!
"Cockblock"
Too good. just too good.
Please tell me you saw the post on Dlisted...if not, here's the link!
http://dlisted.com/node/30309
Love the pic of Vicki continuously falling.
Ditto to everyone's comments! and who still travels with a big old honkin' laptop?! This chick is an asshole..