Back in the artificial bosom of the OC

...and it feels so gooooood. I may be compromising my journalistic integrity by saying this, but the OC housewives are my very favorite (except for Jo. I have always hated Jo. In fact, if you like Jo, move along. We don't need your kind here).

For those of you who watched the season premiere last week, what do you think about Tamra's boobs? She allegedly had them downsized but they are still freakishly tip-over HUGE. What about Jeana's Nagel pictures in her bedroom? Yikes. And her verbally abusive ex-husband-to-be still living in the house? Did you see Gretchen giving her teenaged stepson a boner? (this wasn't actually talked about, but we all know it happened when she hugged him while in her tiny bikini). I am very concerned about how Josh's heroin addiction will affect the new marriage of Lauri and George. Lauri just can't have a third divorce. It would destroy her!

So many layers to this show.

Episode 2 is on tonight. Watch it.

The OC Housewives on Oprah

Set your dvrs, my people! On Monday, the women of The Real Housewives of Orange County will be on Oprah. That's right, you heard me: Oprah is finally recognizing the brilliance that is RHOC! But apparently only to point out how tacky and unsophisticated they look. A writer for O Magazine describes the Orange County look:

1. Hair: blonde and long

2. Skin: very tan (often spray-tanned)

3. Teeth: blindingly white

4. Lips: conspicuously full

5. Noses: pert

6. Breasts: notably large

7. Tummies: flat; hips: nonexistent

8. Nails: long, French-tipped, and square

9. Jewelry: big and frequently diamond

10. Clothes: mostly pastels, corals; formfitting and revealing (SGM would like to add Juicy sweatsuits)

While most people would see this description as being mildly insulting, the OC housewives consider it a recipe for loveliness! After Oprah's staff gives the cast members "make-unders" in an attempt to make them look more polished and age-appropriate, all of them (except Jeana) can't wait to get back to their OC style.

So . . . what do we think of Lauri's make-under?

Oy. The cleavage was there for a reason--to distract us from the face. (sorry Lauri)(but it's true)

See all of the before and after photos here. What do you think?

The new season of RHOC premieres November 25.

Are you missing Vicki?

Lord knows I am. Luckily, she's on Shear Genius tonight with the rest of The Real Housewives of Orange County and apparently some of them aren't happy with what happens to their hair. According to Jeana, there were tears!

Let's take bets on who cries. I say Lauri Waring or Tammy Knickerbocker. Apparently daughters are on too, so I predict Tammy's daughter Megan to be a crier too. Despite her tough exterior, I think she's very emotionally fragile.

What do you think?

Thanks to Tressed Out Celebs for the photo.

No longer a player but always a playa

The OC Register is reporting that Quinn of the mile-long cleavage will no longer be a "key player" in the Real Housewives of Orange County. The focus will be shifted to the newest cast member, a young gold digger who's engaged to an older dude (excellent!). Some of you may remember Quinn's freaky alter ego, Roxy, who made us all cringe with embarrassment when she sashayed into a Vegas casino to seduce Billy (pictured above). Sadly, I could not find any photos of Quinn as the blond slutty bombshell, but the image of her is burned into my brain. Farewell, dear Roxy. You shall be missed.

Don't forget the Bravo A-List Awards tonight!

East Coast vs. West Coast

Note LuAnn doing her Statue of Liberty pose

Bravo's First Annual A-List Awards were held in New York last night (don't worry--you haven't missed it; it airs on June 12) and the Housewives of OC and NYC met each other for the first time. Jill spilled the beans to NY Mag that the two most sane people from each cast, Jeana and Bethenny, had "some problems." Sounds like Bethenny threw some of her trademark honesty at Jeana and it did not fly.

Two of my favorite comments from the night:

"Oh my God, those girls are rude and they're kind of chubby and they need Botox and they have bad teeth." ---Tamra Barney's thoughts upon seeing the NYC show for the first time. Tamra, way to come down to my level. Would you like to co-author this blog with me?

"Sometimes they interfere with my Chi." ---OC's Lauri Waring referring to the NYC cast (and if that's not the best fucking thing you've read today, then I'd like to know what is).

Oh God, IT'S ON. This is gonna be bloodier than 2Pac vs. Biggie. Bethenny, where are you and your smart mouth? Someone unleash Ramoner! East Coast, let's see some RETALIATION!

Read the whole wonderful article here.

P.S. No, I have not finished watching the rest of Work Out. Leave me alone!

P.P.S. Sarah at In the Trenches of Mommyhood alerted me to the fact that ex-OC Housewife Jo De La Rosa's reality show premieres July 21 on Bravo. Are we really going to watch this shit? YES. Read the article here and see why Slade Smiley is a supreme douche. Thanks, Sarah!