Andy Cohen interviews Andy Cohen
Tuesday, January 20, 2009 
Andy Cohen may be a bigwig senior v.p. at Bravo, but we all know him as the dude who moderates all of the reunion shows. He has a blog that I always forget to read (because there's no option to subscribe--hint hint, Bravo), but when I do, I'm never disappointed. He says things like "dicking around" and references Madame the puppet
(which to be honest, incapacited me with disbelief/joy for a few moments) and is just generally gay and funny. Also, he doesn't delete the aggressively sexual comments such as "[I'd like] an Andy Cohen and Shane Keough sandwich with me in the middle" and "you are sexy, hairy, sexy, funny, and sexy." LOVE it. Why don't I get comments like that? Anyhow, after the shitstorm surrounding last week's episode of Real Housewives, he decided to post an interview with himself and address some burning issues. His answers are definitely worth reading. My reactions are in the brackets.
On the "Let's watch Gretchen get wasted and then trap her in a tiny room with horny Ryan" episode of Real Housewives:
AC: OK well judging by the overload of comments on your blog, the top story people are wondering about is what you call the "Disturbia in Suburbia". Have you spoken to any of the Housewives since that fateful episode?
AC: I spoke to Tamra's husband, Simon, the other day and I understand that she's pissed and feels that she was edited badly and not portrayed well. [Sounds like someone has been getting some dirty looks in the carpool lane!]
AC: And do you think that's a fair argument? Was she a victim of the editors?
AC: I don't love the "blame the editor" defense and don't see how it could be twisted that she said 3x that she wanted to get Gretchen drunk. [Amen, brother!] But the big point is that Gretchen is an adult and the idea that someone (Tamra) has the power to completely control her has no legitimacy. Tamra didn't force her to do a thing. I do think Tamra has a lot to get off her chest [namely, those ginormous implants] and she deserves to be heard, and the same goes for Gretchen. I am quite interested to hear what they both have to say at the reunion show. [Translation: I am terrified that Tamra's going to direct her rage at me, but it will be good tv]
On the spectacular assbomb that was Date my Ex:
AC: I would like for you to defend the Jo and Slade dating show. People keep commenting about it but you never respond to any of the posts. [Andy, I know you are speaking directly to me on this. No need to be coy, darling.]
AC: I don't think I need to "defend" it, Andy...
AC: Don't call me Andy.
AC: Anyway, I think that it was a cute, fun summer show and ultimately maybe it was too fluffy for Bravo or at least for Andy's Blog readers, who I know are discriminating customers. [Actually, Andy, it's because Jo and Slade are two of the most annoying, narcissistic d-bags I've ever seen. So transparent. I would rather staple my tongue to the floor than root for either one of them. Not cute, not fluffy, just "not watchable."]
And finally, on his own slightly crossed-eyes:
AC: Well, since you brought up the reunion shows, when are you going to get your crossed eyes fixed?
AC: Funny that you bring that up, Andy, because I just heard that there's a procedure to fix wandering eyes that is fairly simple.
AC: So, you're all set, huh??
AC: The issue is that this "simple" procedure involves their taking your eyeball out and zapping your eye muscles. And I am really freaked about someone taking out my eyeball and then putting it back.
AC: You're a cross-eyed wimp.
AC: I hate you.
You like him, right? Yes. You should subscribe to his blog! Oh wait. We can't. (Andy, feel free to email me with a job offer.)
The conclusion to "Disturbia in Suburbia" is on in moments! Let me know what you think.
Reader Comments (20)
Okay, for starters:
You are sexy, hairy(?), sexy, funny, and sexy. I'm glad to have obliged to you.
Now, I do love him! Pish posh about the crossed eyes. He's adorable and obviously has a fantastic sense of humor. I must now add him to my list of gays I'll never have, right up there with Mr. Anderson Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris.
U R teh hairiest. I heart SGM!
This kinda s*&t makes my night. I luvvv Andy.
Thanks, Brittany and Mamacita. Even though I had to fish for those sexy and hairy(?) comments, I know they were from the heart.
Sarah, I know. Me too.
SGM, Oh, how I've come to dislike these women;
Vicki-I'm sick,sick,sick of hearing how hard and much she works. I know women who work one shift in a factory and another shift as a nursing assistant in a nursing home. Those chicks work hard. Vicki works long hours and uses work to avoid her emotions. PLUS, it's possible for others to disagree with Vicki-even if she thinks that's sacreligious!
Lynne-producing a dozen or so cuff bracelets isn't "working your ass off".
Tamara-Being proud of your son for hitting on your friends is kinda sick. Face it, he's a slacker & kinda sleazy too.
Gretchen-I wanted her to be a ruthless gold digger, but I'm starting to believe she's really a sweet woman. How disappointing.
Jeana-Non-confrontational to the max. How she can keep defending Vicki is a mystery to me.
I will still watch (I finally got cable), I just can't look away. However, I'm looking forward to RHNY. Even Alex & Simon's pretentiousness will be a welcome relief from this trashyness. Whew! I thought RHOA was trashy, but they can't hold a candle to the OC. OHJ
OHJ, I think that is the perfect summary of this show. In fact, I'm here reading blogs instead of watching because this show is making me crazy. I want to strangle Vicki with my bare hands.
I had no idea he was that funny! I will attempt to subscribe to his blog.
Dammit, someone beat me to it. Oh well, I'm doing it anyway:
you are sexy, hairy, sexy, funny, and sexy.
Yay! That was fun.
When is Andy going to get his own reality show? These reunion specials aren't enough for me. Quit dicking around and do it, Andy! You know you want to.
I don't understand how anyone but Geana and Vicki can pay their bills. Simon "decided to spend some more time with his family" (read: laid off) and is trying to sell his own tequila? And Tamra was a real estate agent last season but is now a stay at home mom? And how can Cavewoman make any kind of decent money on those ugly, homemade-looking, uncomfortable wrist cuffs? How much does Bravo pay these people?
Furthermore, I think Geana and Vicki were right to tell Gretchen to figure out what is going to happen to her when the fiance dies, but they took it too far. If the fiancee did insist that she give up her career, her time spent caring for him should be worth something.
Girl, I just invited Andy to be my friend on Facebook and he is quite the lush. I love him!!
Did anybody read Geana's post on the Jan. 15 show? She said:
"We may not all be best friends, but this year -- with cast members being in and out of hospitals, rehab, kids in college, traveling to New York together, and Jeff's death -- we all became closer."
Evidently, Jeff has already passed away.
Come on SGM, you sexy hairy bitch....get the recap out...I cancelled my cable and I need a RHOC fix.
ooops...you never mentioned that you wanted to be called a bitch, sorry.
Vicki just has to work to get anything hard, that's what she really means to say. Donn must be as sick of her as everyone else.
Dear Fans of SGM:
I too agree that SGM is sexy. But please stop telling her that hairy is sexy. I have been working very hard to dispell that myth with her.
Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.
Frank
OH, just the fact that Andy KNOWS who Madame the Puppet is says a mouthful...a mouthful of something we don't want to talk about.
Thursty, you can call bitch or you can call me Betsy, but the recap takes TIME.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,481097,00.html#2
"On the topic of new couples, Tarts has been told that "Real Housewives of Atlanta" starlet Kim Zolciak has just started dating "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis. The two were spotted getting particularly cozy in Park City over the weekend and even shared the same house at the film festival..."
Gross
SGM, I was joking around with you, I'm sorry if my humor (or lack thereof) didn't translate onto the written page. I can wait. I really do have a life beyond RHOC.
Thursty, you sexy bitch, it's okay to love RHOC.
And YES to anon 12:39--my Kim google alerts were blowing up with this news. GROSS is right.