"Without Vicki, we all had a good time."

Oooooh, quote of the week comes from the taciturn, and likely mentally-challenged, Lynne. Her observation really resonated with me because, as was made clear in this episode, VICKI SUCKS. So does Tamra. More on that later.

So, I feel kind of embarrassed. Last week I insisted that you watch Real Housewives of Orange County, and this week's episode was a shining example of why you should never, ever listen to me. Read on to see why everyone on this show needs a good, hard spanking (with the possible exception of Jeana).

1. Gretchen gets her $65,000, 4.7 carat engagement ring in the mail. That's right, the mail. Dressed in a hot pink shorty-short sweatsuit, she runs around shrieking and baby-clapping and shoving her hand in everyone's face, which would be understandable if she lived in a sorority house in 1980 and was betrothed to the BMOC. But this isn't the case. She lives in a townhome in 2008, and is set to be the fifth wife of a terminally ill millionaire old dude. She is flaunting her ring in front of her teenaged step-children who, God love them, try to be excited, but can't quite manage it. You could practically see the bubbles over their heads saying "my share of $65 grand is on this nitwit's hand and I'm supposed to be happy?"

I'm not saying that Gretchen shouldn't be excited about her engagement, but there's no need to shout the equivalent of "I'm taking your money! Hahahahaha!" to the poor stepkids. Not nice.

2. Lynne's 15 year old daughter, Alexa, is back with the boyfriend who told her (correctly) that she looked like a stripper at her sister's birthday party. Lynne is hanging out with them in the kitchen and I swear to God, if I didn't know better I'd say she was a boarder in that house. All she does when she's with her kids is feign polite interest, stare and make weird comments. She is unusually detached in all of the kitchen scenes--maybe there's some radon poisoning happening with her granite? She needs to get it tested.

3. All of the housewives except Vicki (she so busy! she's always working! she loves to work!) go shopping for big fancy hats to be worn at opening day at Del Mar (a horse track). Gretchen and Tamra, who have made up since the cry-fest last week, are both desperately vying to be the center of attention. They're both being too loud and too giggly as they do everything short of jazz-hands to get attention. It was during this scene that I felt an inkling of like for Lynne, who selected her hat without much fuss and sat all chill in a corner the rest of the time. Meanwhile Tamra and Gretchen strutted around in their hats referencing Great Gatsby. Yes! It was all very Great Gatsby, if by Great Gatsby you mean this:

To the camera, Tamra gets all nasty about Gretchen grabbing all of the hot pink hats. Tamra scornfully says something along the lines of "she KNEW I was planning to wear hot pink. Guess I'll have to change my outfit now, huh?"

4. THEN! Because Vicki's out of town (working! she works so hard!), her son Michael has a pool party. We see Michael getting WASTED and talking about how he's going to get WASTED all summer WOOOOOOOO, and I was all "young man! wtf? Didn't we just learn a few episodes ago that your dad is an alcoholic?"

Oh, but here comes the best part. Vicki calls and Michael's girlfriend answers. Vicki says that she just got off the phone with Jeana, who reported that there were lots of cars outside of Vicki's house. Vicki doesn't seem to mind the party but rattles off 5 zillion nitpicky housekeeping rules. After they hang up, Michael and girlfriend start going OFF on Jeana, about how she should get off Michael's case and instead "be worried about selling my mom's house." !!! The girlfriend, a mere child, calls Jeana a BITCH. On national tv! Ooooooooooh! Then everyone at the party ironically shotguns a beer "to Jeana!"

See what I mean about the spankings?

5. Lauri's back. Already. She has lunch with Tamra. When did Lauri become the grandam of this show, spouting wisdom and not engaging in (that much) cattiness? Anyhow. Highly edited, but this is the notorious scene where Tamra tells Lauri about making Gretchen cry and says "I didn't know whether to feel sorry for her or hand her an Oscar." Then Tamra talks some unbelievable bs about how she hates the gossip and backstabbery of the housewives. PLEASE. You trade in the gossip and backstabbery, Tamra (and YES, after many months of defending you, I am FINISHED).

6. Vicki, Tamra, Jeana and husbands (and Kara) are in a limo headed to the race track. Guess what Vicki's doing? Tapping away on her laptop! Because she owns her own business! she is important! Vicki, listen to me: that is so fucking rude. STOP IT. Loved it when Jeana told the camera that she saw what Vicki was doing, and that she was just responding to "fun" emails, not work.

In the limo, Tamra tells Kara with much disdain that Gretchen is trying to copy her. Warning to everyone out there, if you own or have ever wanted a pink motorcycle or a pink dress, then you are copying Tamra because those ideas originated with HER.

7. The limo group enters the suite, where Gretchen, Gretchen's brother, Lynne and Mr. Lynne are gathered. Tamra is pissed when she sees that Gretchen didn't even wear the pink dress that she said she was going to! Death to Gretchen! Cut to Vicki, who is giving the most dismissive greeting I have EVER seen to Mr. Lynne.

Vicki and Tamra and husbands separate themselves from everyone else, with Tamra whispering that she doesn't want to sit by Gretchen and Lynne et al. Vicki echos this thought with a super-bitchy "I don't know them. Why would I want to sit with them?"

GOOD GOD! It's a small group and you're on television! Can't you just be nice, Vicki? For a couple of hours? It seems not. Gretchen and Lynne look and feel totally excluded. I cringed at the sight of Lynne sitting at a table alone while Vicki and Tamra and husbands are pointedly ignoring her and guffawing not 3 feet away. Lynne's weird and all, but she's not mean. I felt sorry for her.

Apparently Vicki and Tamra think that they are still to close to Cootie Lynne and decide to move with their husbands to the inner part of the suite. Vicki and Tamra proceed to rip Gretch to SHREDS, talking with raised eyebrows about how she's being too flirty, too sexy, too hungry for attention (pot, kettle, black, etc.).

Then Vicki says some rude, uncalled-for shit to Donn and I would hereby like to announce the formation of the DONN GUNVALSON FAN CLUB right here on this blog. We are going to have SAVE DONN t-shirts and coffee mugs. Please offer your support to Donn in the comments. (Do you have a fan club Vicki? DO YOU?)

Meanwhile, Jeana feels sorry for Lynne and Gretchen and decides to hang with them. As you can imagine, this pisses off Vicki and Tamra and they talk shit about her too. Vicki thinks Jeana is not hanging with them in order "push [Vicki's] buttons." Actually, Vicki, it's called being friendly to others. You should look into it.

As everyone is saying their insincere goodbyes, Lynne again comes with the suprisingly adept thought that Vicki and Tamra "are pretty much . . . cold." Amen, sister. I have a feeling that we are going to be seeing more of that next week. Good luck to you, Lynne.

Despite what I said before about not listening to me, I really think you should watch next week. I mean, Gretchen and Ryan? I know they won't get it on, but still. We must see how it all unfolds.

Talk to me, Goose.

I implore you,

PLEASE watch Real Housewives of Orange County. I think that the new housewife, Lynne, is...a cave woman.

At first I thought she was just perpetually drunk because she has really bad judgment and unusually slow reactions to everything. But that doesn't explain the big muscles, leathery skin and complete lack of social skills. Then it hit me--the woman is clearly from the Paleolithic era. The split ends? It's because she cuts her hair with a sharp rock. Why do she and her daughters dress in clothes that barely cover their ladyparts? Because she wants them all to look fertile. (how I wish I had a picture of 15 year old Alexa in her skimpy dress. Even her boyfriend told her she looked like a stripper.) Did you see that part tonight when Lynne wouldn't reveal her age even though Gretchen asked her 27 different ways? It's because she's a time-traveler. BUSTED, Lynne!

If watching a real life Neanderthal is not enough enticement for you, then how about this: why did Tamra's son Ryan tattoo "nugget" on the inside of his lip?

Oooooooooh, you want to know, don't you? I'm not telling. You must watch.

What else? Ah, yes! Look what the cat dragged in off the greasy, desperate, fame-whorey street:

JO! AUGH!!!!!! My hatred of Jo knows no bounds! She's allegedly shooting a music video in this episode. Give it up, Jo. Begone with you. Everyone, ignore Jo and watch Tamra be totally mean to Gretchen and refuse to apologize.

Mmmm, yes!

Listen, I know that tomorrow is New Year's Eve and we all have shit to do, but get your priorities straight! This show is GOLD.

Also, I would love to talk about The City. As commenter Decs pointed out in the last post, Jay is part Australian, part retard. Run, Whitney, run! What about the conniving Olivia? Talk to me.

This may be the DUMBEST thing I have ever seen in my life

and that's really saying something.

(for those of you viewing this through a reader, click on through and be prepared to lose brain cells.)

Setbacks and a Half-Assed Recap

I. Setbacks (i.e. excuses)(you may skip this part)

I watched the last episode of Real Housewives of Orange County with Frank. This means that there was WAY TO MUCH jibber-jabbering (e.g. "what the hell? Does she think that looks good? She looks about 92. Did she just say pizza? THAT is $8000?"), and when I tried to hush him, it got even worse ("What? Do you really think she cares about the Indy 500? Do you? Do you?"). It took me approx. five days to watch this episode in its entirety.

Then. You know how I like to pepper (that's right, "pepper") my recaps with relevant photos from Bravo's website? The photos this week were limited to yawn-inducing shots of Vicki and Tamra's Napa trip, all taken from a scene that lasted 3 minutes:

See what I mean? A picture of mofo GRAPES. NOTHING on Jeana, Gretchen or Lauri. How am I supposed to work with this?

This is me, in my tv watching/blog writing outfit, trying my best to FOCUS.

The "JC" on my robe stands for "Just Chillin'" (or "Jesus Christ!" when I'm angry). Anyhow, if the following recap seems lackluster, you have my humblest apologies. Conditions were not ideal.

II. Half-assed Recap

1. Tamra and Simon are going to Napa for their 10th anniversary. They invite Vicki and Donn* along. When I heard this, I was all "BRILLIANT! I would love to go on a romantic trip with a bottomless pit of need who constantly emasculates her husband in public." Smart thinking, Tamra and Simon.

While Vicki is packing for the trip, she is wearing a white tube top with her tan lines showing. Vicki, my darling, I'm going to give it to you straight: you are about 20 years past tube top age. It's time to let go.

I also thought it was so ironic that Vicki said she wasn't packing any "fucking negligee shit...I've had my babies, why do I need to have sex?". Vicki, you walk around in what most people would consider "negligees" (so 1970s) most of your waking hours. Exhibit A (from last season):

See? My Mormon neighbor wouldn't even wear that outfit in her bedroom with the door locked and the lights off.

2. Jeana is continuing to "move on" after her divorce from her husband who still lives with her. She's redecorating her bedroom and gets some $8000 bed linens. For those of you who didn't see it, it kind of looks like one of those fake-bed displays that you see at JC Penny--a satiny copper bedspread and lots of fringed throw pillows. Sorry, Jeana, nothing personal, but I think you were bamboozled.

3. Kara, Jeana's daughter, did not enjoy her freshman year at Berkeley. Let me tell you about Kara: she's an 18 year old Republican who flew to LA every weekend to see her boyfriend. I can't imagine why she doesn't fit in at Berkeley (this is where I give you guys the big eye roll).

4. Gretchen and Jeff are at the Indy 500. Jeff was some sort of bigwig in the automotive industry, so he gets all this VIP treatment. All you need to know about this storyline is that it's straight out of The Girls Next Door (which Gretchen should totally try out for, btw). Lots of giggling, bouncing and inane chatter while an infirm rich dude stands nearby. Seriously, Jeff looked so sickly. Did you hear him say that he was 53? Wish I had a photo of him (AHEM, BRAVO). Poor guy.

5. Vicki and Donn bicker all the way to Napa in front Tamra and Simon. AWKWARD. And also ANNOYING. Vicki and Tamra look ravishing as they tour vineyards in skimpy sundresses and heels that must have sunk into all of the animal doo-doo. Looking good, ladies!

Then Vicki hears a rooster crowing and tries to teach it how to do a really eardrum-shattering "WOO HOO!"

For me, it was the highlight of the show.

Then Tamra does this fakey sexy lingerie show for Simon and presents him with handcuffs, etc. Why did I think it was fakey? Oh, only because a minimum of 3 camera crew people and a producer had to be in the tiny hotel room with them. Nice try, Bravo.

After an alleged toss in the hay, Tamra and Simon meet up with Palestine and Israel--oops, I mean Vicki and Donn, for dinner. Vicki proceeds to literally beg for attention from Donn, who's all "wtf? Would you please lay off?" She tells the camera that Donn used to fill up her "love tank" but doesn't any more. At this point, Frank said "maybe it's because your 'love tank' is too big." And by love tank, he meant vagina. Tee hee! Tamra kind of forces Vicki and Donn to kiss and I pray to the heavens that this scene be over soon.

I must admit, I have a tiny crush on Donn. He has a easy smile and his mannerisms are kind of Johnny Carson-esque. Quite charming.

If I were single and in my late 40s, I might let him fill up my love tank. Can I get an "amen"? Anyone?

6. Enough about Napa! Let's talk Lauri and her family. First we see MacKenzie (Lauri's step-daughter) and Ashley (Lauri's daughter) getting stringy extensions at $599 a pop. By the end of this scene, I desperately wanted to punch MacKenzie. She's a snotty and awful.

Cut to Lauri. So far this season, all we've heard is how blissfully happy she is in her fledgling marriage. Now we learn that her heroin addict son has fallen of the wagon and is in jail on some big drug-related charges. Lauri, I've seen Intervention. I know you're "as happy as your unhappiest child" which is to say, not happy at all. She cries, and it is so sad. She talks about how she wishes she could go back to when he was 3 years old and raise him in the family that she and George now have together. Then there's a photo of her with her son when he was sweet and little.

At this point, I was a little teary and thinking some deep thoughts about addiction, and also "THAT'S Lauri? Are we sure that's Lauri? For real?"

She's the one leaving the show, to concentrate on her family. Good for you, Lauri. I will miss you and your indestructible face.

Tonight, we meet the new housewife Lynne.

She's a jewelry designer and has two "mean" (her words, not mine) teenaged girls, Grant and Raven.** Just by their names, I can tell that they are going to be...magnificent. Welcome, Lynne!

Anything I missed in this episode? Holla at your girl.

*What is with all of the men with the extra consonants? Gregg, Rodger, Donn. Next thing you know, it'll be "Simonn" and "Bigg Papa."

**Everything else I'm reading says their names are Raquel and Alexa. I SWEAR she says Grant and Raven on the video clip. Okay, I just watched it again and she says "rantin' and ravin'." Snort. I kind of like Grant and Raven. More dramatic.

Thank God for dlisted, who had the old photo of Lauri.

Here's the deal

1. I feel that I owe you an explanation for not covering the past two episodes of Real Housewives of Orange County. Quite honestly, I have really been trying to re-dedicate myself to watching tv as God intended, which means eating ice cream and drinking in every word without taking notes that say things like "Tamra--boobies everywhere--wtf?" That being said, I fully intend to cover tonight's episode because we not only have Josh's heroin addiction, but ALSO a cast member leaving the show. !!! If that's not a recipe for heart-stopping drama, then I don't know what is.

I was going to suggest that we all take a guess as to who the QUITTER is, but spoilers abound. Check it out here if you don't want to be surprised.

If you didn't watch the first two episodes, don't sweat it. It's business as usual on that show, which is to say plastic surgery, backstabbery and gold diggery.

2. Many of you have emailed me about NeNe's housing problems. I had thought it was kind of old news because it was out in the open (at least to people who get NeNe google alerts)(doesn't everyone?) that the house on the show was rented and that she actually lives in a condo now. Anyhow, my very favorite a part of all of this is NeNe's response to the press, "it's none of your business!" which I imagine was said emphatically, complete with bug-eyes and a finger wagging. Love her, evicted or not.

3. Another classic NeNe quote: "He is a fox, and I am his girlfriend." I wonder if Dwight feels threatened? For those of you who would also like to be Anderson Cooper's girlfriend, I suggest you get a penis and also read this article on How to Hunt Anderson Cooper. Funny.