"You doan unnerstan...iss so hard in Orange Cownee."
Monday, February 1, 2010 
You don't have to tell us, Lynne! I thank God every night that I'm not in Orange County. Even people who are living in tents in Haiti are all "at least we're not in Orange County." It's a tough hand you've been dealt Lynne, but you must remain strong. Someday, I pray, you will escape.
This week's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was all about family discord: Tamra and Simon's crumbling marriage, Alexis' inability to do anything without specific direction from Jim, and Lynne falling to pieces because her 17 year old daughter is an asshole. Let's recap!
1. Gretchen takes her Harley out for a spin, the purpose of which is to prove to everyone (TAMRA) that Jeff's gift to her was not fake and she is a hardcore biker. She snickers that maybe she could give Tamra a ride on the back of her bike.
Stitched on the back of Gretchen's jacket: "If you can read this then the bitch fell off"
2. Tamra and Simon's house. It's a day-in-the-life scene that looks normal on the surface but then Tamra's voiceover tells a different story--she and Simon pretty much hate each other. We see their younger son getting a little lippy, and Tamra explains to the camera that he's just picking up on the tension in the house. As they send their kids off to school with the most enormous backpacks you've ever seen, Tamra says they're going to make it through this. WELL. We all know how that turns out.
I had just begun to entertain the notion that these two might be faking their divorce in order to earn a little exra ca$h/another season, but I can't imagine that anyone would be so money-hungry and desperate for fame that they would say to their children, "it's not true, but go along with it; it's for tv."
Oh. Well, them. Point taken, but I'm sure that's just an isolated incident. Assuming the divorce is real, I doubt if there's much damage done when reality star parents duke it out in public.
Oops! How could I forget? As long as Simon doesn't start wearing Ed Hardy-type shirts and Tamra doesn't get a bunch of bad extensions, this will all blow over.
Oh no.
This isn't going to end well for anyone (except Bravo).
3. Lynne's daughter Alexa is at a friend's house, putting on make-up and describing Lynne in ways that make Charles Manson sound like a puppy dog.
"My mom is psycho. She's like, the devil. She only gave me $20 to buy beer last night. How evil can a person be?"
Lynne calls, and Alexa is rude on the phone, annoyed that Lynne is going to pick her up to go shopping. When Alexa dumps herself in the car with a heavy sigh, I want to blow a whistle in her ear and shout "DO OVER!" Lynne, however, ignores it and launches into a hard-ass act, a role with which she is clearly uncomfortable. She asks Alexa why she blew off the family meeting with the youthologist (aka teen life coach. I'm not even making that up! See here).
"I was hung over!" Alexa whines. Write that down, everyone. That is always an impressive excuse, particularly when you are a nasty, hair-flipping teenager.
We wait, with breath bated, for Lynne to lean over and push her out of the car, but no. Lynne's face is expressionless, but that could just be the botox and the tight new face.
4. The fight continues into the mall. To the camera, Alexa literally begs to be grounded. To Lynne, she turns on the waterworks and talks about how mature she is for her age. This is immediately followed by an epic temper tantrum--she throws her Cuff Love bracelet to the floor (!), calls Lynne a bitch and tells her to "kiss my ass." Basically, she does everything but fling herself to the ground and pull the dead-weight move (which would have been an inspired finale, btw). I half expect a group of two year olds to appear, throwing roses at her feet and giving her a standing ovation.
You can tell that Lynne has one or two synapses firing, valiantly trying to process and react to this situation, but in the end, there is only this:
Portrait of Defeat
and Alexa walks off to PH8 with Lynne's credit card (I'm guessing).
Oh, don't we all wish we had our Greatest Hits of Adolescence preserved on film? Lucky Alexa.
5. Alexis plans a cooking party for the Housewives because it is her "dying desire" to bring Tamra and Gretchen together in peace and love. A lofty goal indeed! She receives detailed directions from Jim, who uses big words like "dialogue" and "input," on how to orchestrate the truce. FYI, his instructions come back to bite her in the ASS. More on this later.
6. Tamra and Simon clean out the garage. Bravolebrities: they're just like us! Except their garages have trash bags filled with brand new clothes. Why not keep them in the trunk of your car like the rest of us? Or is that only me?
Ryan stops by and everything seems painfully cordial. Tamra says to the camera, "right now, we're doing okay."
My crystal ball tells me that this will not last.
7. Vicki and Donn are having dinner at a romantic restaurant on the beach. Someone (JEANA) hired a bird to crap on Vicki, but it misses its target and poops on the waitress. Guess who comes to the rescue with kindness and concern and humor? Sweet daddy Donn.
Would you look at that? Melts me into a puddle.
Vicki is hee-hawing about the bird diarrhea running into the ears of the waitress when Don whips out a fat diamond ring for "no real reason, just a gift." Vicki gasps, and we can immediately see her mind clicking away, appraising its value. Somehow, she determines it is 6 carats. "I don't deserve this!" she exclaims. So true, so true.
"I'd be fine with 2 or 3 carats, but 8 rows of diamonds?!" she adds, rubbing it in. Donn grins from ear to ear, enjoying Vicki's satisfaction before it expires at midnight.
Did you all see the "Who Has the Best Husband?" survey during the commercial break? The results are Vicki 81% (DUH), Alexis 10% and Lynne 9%. What the hell did Lynne's husband Frank do to get ranked BELOW Dictator Jim? I think he should appeal. You know Jim had Alexis and the kids texting their votes over and over. That's cheating.
8. Gretchen is developing a make-up line called Gretchen Christine Byooo-Tay. She explains that she didn't get much money from Jeff (something about she was supposed to get $2.5 million but his estate was only worth a measley $3 mill?) and she's not merging finances with Slade (like that would be a help) so....a make-up line! Of course!
I am reserving judgment. For now.
9. Vicki and COTO INSURANCE host a financial seminar for Vicki's kids and a handful of other VIC-tims. But first, Vicki has to give her speech on how much SHE LOVES HER JOB and SHE WORKS ALL OF THE TIME. Some people, she says wide-eyed and bobble-headed, sleep in until 10 every day and go to the gym for 4 hours and she simply can't do that. Really? Because I can. Except replace the gym part with watching tv and eating mini candy bars. Now that's a good gig.
"As you can see from this diagram, if you continue to live with your mom and online poker is your only source of income, your tanning budget will be affected."
10. Lynne visits her old-school mom to drink lemonade and get advice on her hellbeast child. Mom's advice: "cut off the cash." FINALLY, someone is giving Lynne good counsel. Might I also suggest throwing Alexa's phone into the ocean and getting an electric fence? Worth a try.
11. Jim and Alexis take their son to get a haircut. Jim supervises the cutting of each hair to his satisfaction. Alexis is thrilled because there's no way she could have handled that on her own.
12. Alexis' cooking party! I was hoping there would be some botox and tanning too, but there wasn't. You know the economy's bad when essentials like that are being cut.
Everyone arrives (except for Vicki--it's a weekday afternoon), and there is much screeching and squawking as the women compete for attention. A LOT of wine is consumed by Lynne, who is somehow given a knife and chopping duty. Gretchen and Tamra also have knives and do the obligatory passive-aggressive sword fight.
Gretchen: "I'm gonna wait till you pass out and then slit your throat! Just joking! LOL!"
Tamra: "Too funny! I'm going to carve 'lying whore' onto your chest and watch you bleed to death. Hee hee!"
When they retire to Alexis' gold-plated dining room, Lynne is a little sloppy, but she's holding it together. Alexis, armed with the wisdom of Jim, abruptly says, " SO, ARE WE GOOD?" and motions to Gretch and Tamra. To the camera, Tamra's all "WTF? She's trying to stir up shit." Everyone pretty much dodges the question and Alexis' dying desire is left unfulfilled. Sad.
The conversation moves on to children and someone asks "how's Alexa?" You can see it in Lynne's face: BUZZKILL.
Lynne does some blah blah blah, trying to keep it light. Everyone (except Tamra, who shockingly keep her yap shut) starts giving advice. Suddenly Lynne feels that Gretchen has crossed the line and loudly says "until you have kids, don't judge!" which is all within the bounds of normal social conduct, but then comes the "FUCK YOU!" out of nowhere. After getting that out of her system, Lynne dissolves into a weepy mess. Poor thing. No one looks good crying, but Lynne looks like Steven Tyler, in drag, having a stroke.
Meanwhile, Tamra can barely keep the smile off of her face. The only one who has raised a teenager, and she is completely silent, just watching, telling the camera she is "relieved" not to be in the middle for once. "Better you than me, bitch," she snorts.
Sidenote: I usually think Gretchen looks flawless, but she looked AWFUL in this scene. Every time the camera went to her, I grimaced.
Bad lighting, or is this just the "before" shot for Gretchen Christine Byooo-Tay?
This is when Lynne slurs "it's so hard in Orange County," and although I made fun of her up there, I get it. Her kids are surrounded by spoiled brats, and that shit is viral. But as Tamra says, and I think we all agree, Lynne needs to step up the discipline.
This Thursday, Lynne's troubles multiply when she and her husband are served an eviction notice. Time to call your dealer and relieve some stress with a fatty, Lynne.
Kelly Cutrone's show, Kell on Earth, premieres tonight.
She looks like Darlene from Roseanne.
Let's watch it, shall we? Meet you back here.
Reader Comments (33)
Your recaps are back and I don't know how we lived without them. I just shit my pants like 4 times.
P.S. I am in love with Donn, but not for the diamonds. Was she counting them for the camera? Blech.
Good grief Kelly C does look like Darlene! Great recap - you kill me! I swear I want to take Lynne and Alexa and just bash their heads together like coconuts. Seriously, maybe it would knock some sense in them or just one of them. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thought Gretchen looked hagged out in that scene, it was a little weird.
I loved Kelly C for saying "Lots of women in the front row have sex for money. They're called 'wives.'"
total darlene!! I'm already afraid of her
You crack my ass up! I absolutely love how truer words have never been spoken - your recaps are much better than the actual show, which is a good thing since I can only catch it on slingbox.
Darlene had me in tears... she totally is!
No one looks good crying, but Lynne looks like Steven Tyler, in drag, having a stroke. HAHAHA Oh SGM how I <3 you!
Love, love, love your recaps! I've been following for a few months now and this is my first comment. Your posts really are better than the show itself. I personally enjoy watching an episode after reading your blog - then it's pure comedy. xoxo
Anyone else notice that Lynn's mother gave her the lemonade in a paper cup? I wouldn't trust her with glass either.
thank you so much...that made me day. the darlene comment, the electric fence, gretchen's bumpy face...you got it all! why oh why is lynn so passive with her daughter? it makes me clench my teeth! was that lemonade? maybe these are two parents that are on lots of drugs..maybe they should go over to "intervention" on bravo one week? all i know is it really is a train crash slow motion. thanks again...you so get it.
My fave was 'Dictator Jim'.
Oh, thank GOD...please tell me you'll be recapping Kell on Earth! I just watched it on DVR and am 100%, wholeheartedly obsessed! This might be my favorite show ever, for a variety of reasons. I LOVE THAT B!
I think this was my favorite recap EVER! Can you narrate my life, please? It would make things so much more interesting! Oh and did you catch Alexa's "neck to neck" comment? Priceless!
Lynn needs to use some tough love and make a giant cuff love to put over Alexa's mouth!
Best recap EVER! What a great way to start the day! You had me LOL the whole way. Thanks SGM!
1. My favorite part of the biking scene was that Gretchen pulled out her leopard stretchy top! And I give her full credit on the snarky interview. Those women were total jealous hags when the motorcycle was given to her. Rub it in their faces, Gretch!
2. Tamra and Simon's house. This whole scene is uncomfortable to me. I feel like the son was coached by Simon to say that dumbass shit, but then Simon has a delayed-reaction to tell him to be nice. Why don't we go ahead and put their son in jail now? Save all that money on legal bills.
3. Is anyone else thrilled to see Lynne's reaction to all of this footage on the reunion show? Alexa is full of shit, but she gets away with it, so why not?
4. Seeing the scene in the mall reminds me of why I was in therapy for all of those years...my mother and I never had our heart to hearts in the mall. Clearly, the best place to connect with a teenager. But next time she brings up that I was "dramatic" I am going to remind her that I never threw something that represented her heart & soul on the table before telling her to "kiss my ass." Not to say that I was above that sort of thing, but I never had the opportunity because my mother wasn't as driven as Lynne.
5. I secretly love Alexis because I think she realizes that she really does nothing. There is none of that bullshit like with Gretchen where she pretends she has a career. But I really wish she would get over Tamra & Gretchen and just be content with the knowledge that they both have "right points" even though she doesn't know about it from her experiences.
6. Was the stuffed animal that fell from the bag while they were cleaning the garage and left out on the sidewalk symbolic of the future of Tamra's children? Bravo is so deep.
Fun fact: we ate at the restaurant where Vicki & Donn ate last year. I couldn't tell you shit about it due to the fact that I was completely wasted. Then I decided to go swimming in the ocean in my dress and heels and almost died. But I was laughing and screaming and carrying on so much that the hostess from the restaurant came down to the beach and told me to shut up or leave. Actually, I may not be allowed back.
7. What is with these people discussing carat-size? I must have missed whatever class it was where you learn how to accurately predict total weight of diamonds based on number of rows. Goddamnit, Catholic education! But since it was from Donn, I will let it slide. It was obvious he didn't want to talk about how many diamonds it was (probably because he knew it would never be enough for VGun, but still).
Also, if you people remember, VGun was wearing that ring already in the episode when she goes to lunch with Tamra and Tamra tells her that they are going to have to downsize their house. Tamra even says "OMG. Is that new?" and VGun says "8 carats. From Donn." I WILL NOT BE TRICKED, ANDY COHEN!
8. I like Gretchen. I really do. But she is killing me with this makeup bullshit. "Oh yeah, she's been my makeup artist for the past 7 years..." "They used to call me the Madonna of real estate.." Maybe she could team up with Ramoner and they could go on QVC together.
9. VGun's daughter is going to smother her with a pillow in her sleep. Or bring home the good drugs from the hospital and inject her. Bitch CALLED HER OUT. VGun: "Basically, we are having this seminar because my daughter is an idiot who doesn't know how checks work, never mind that my son thinks online poker is a normal way to make a living..."
10. I *heart* Lynne's mom. You know she stays away from Lynne's house because she doesn't want a contact high. She is the only one in that family with any damn sense.
11. Of course Jim went to the haircut. How could you make decisions without your husband there?
12. This whole party was awkward from the beginning. Not in the "he's married. he's my husband way" while a drag queen sells Tupperware, but still.
If I hear Vicki talking about her work ethic one more time, I am going to strangle her with it. Shut your hole.
I'm all for some day drinking, but mother-of-the-year Lynne takes it to a new level.
Then comes the drama with the parenting discussion...
WTF is Lynne's obsession with Gretchen's internet pictures. Lynne is going to eat her words when her daughters get their pictures in Playboy.
I love that the only person keeping her mouth shut is Tamra. Of all fucking people.
"No one looks good crying, but Lynne looks like Steven Tyler, in drag, having a stroke." So, so true, SGM. Fiance kept saying "is she talking with food in her mouth? What's wrong with her mouth?" The face-life wasn't kind to her. Not even a little bit.
"It's so hard in Orange County..."
OMG Sarah! That was great! SGM loved the update and Sarah were you in my head!?!? I thought the same thing! Lynne is going to be soooooooo sorry when her two spoiled bitches are going to be in playboy! too funny!
Thanks for the update everyone!
Have a great day!
About Gretchen's skin...what is going on? I feel mean and petty because my skin isn't great, but whatevs. I am not on a reality show.
I would say 70% of the time her skin looks good, then you get a close up and it's like "oh my eyes!" It's all makeup.
True byoooo-tay is so much prettier.
Those poor chefs at the party. The man especially--he looked so pained by the whole grotesque scenario.
dying at the electric fence remark and the commentary on lynne's steven-tyler-having-stroke tearfest. didn't even watch the episode (don't get me wrong, i would have loved to, but we don't get bravo in france — rude) and i still feel like i got the whole story and then some. i cannot wait for your review of kell on earth, you crack. me. up.
Not to change the subject but... Kim added more items to her ebay store (good thing since none of her other items have bids on them). And, like the already listed items, you can "purcahse" now.
Man, I thought Laurie Waring's daughter was awful, but I can't even watch Lynne's girls. Tamra not commenting during Lynne's breakdown? Yeah, well, look at her pug-nosed leach of a son.
And how does Vicki get away with using an umbrella in her logo? Doesn't that belong to Travelers? Or is Vicki's not an insurance company? Why do I even care?
Lynne's face = Halloween mask
I almost peed my pants when I read the Steven Tyler comment because i was thinking the same thing (except the stroke part. YES.). Excellent synopsis as always. Didn't watch this episode but I'm quite confident your summary was more entertaining.
I watched it and kept on waiting for Lynne to lunge at that bitch of a daughter. I do not give a shit if they live in OC! What....do they think living in OC gives them a pass to behave like a bunch of stupid, clueless assholes??? Like.....ohhhh poor Alexa, she has to live around all these rich kids and really she gets so little? Give me a break. That little shit needs to be bitch slapped, and so do her parents. How lovely she has her fifteen minutes of fame to document just how sad her life really is. I mean, poor girl being forced to go shopping with her mom with a hangover?
This last show really, really irritated me. How the hell could people be so fucking stupid?
And by the way......Alexis is so freekin' in for it. That asshole of a control freak she is married to is a fucking dick. Someday, after she's pulled tighter than Joan Rivers, he's gonna leave. Hope you didn't sign a pre-nup honey, it's your only chance.
No one looks good crying, but Lynne looks like Steven Tyler, in drag, having a stroke.
I just laughed hysterically for five minutes...thank god I am in my house alone.
I had forgotten how much I LOVE your recaps, they are so much better than the actual shows...thanks for making my day.