The Return of Bananas

Richele tipped us off, and I'd like to confirm that Rachel Zoe is indeed coming back for a second season of The Rachel Zoe Project. Thank God!

Before we throw on our dangly bracelets and fur, let's discuss Rachel's alleged reconciliation with Nicole Richie. How on earth do you shoot the breeze for twenty minutes with the bitch who called you Raisinface to the world? Either Rachel is a much bigger person than I (figuratively, of course) or else the whole thing reeks of fake-assery. We need NeNe and Anderson Cooper to do an in-depth special report on all of this.

Okay, now let us throw on our dangly bracelets and fur, and don't forget to DIE.

Cover Letter

Dear Bravo:

It has recently come to my attention that I do not work for you. It's true. I do not receive a Bravo paycheck, I do not have a Bravo 401(k), and in the mornings, Andy Cohen does not walk into my office and say things like "Dude. If Sharon (our bitchy secretary) keeps making personal calls while I'm standing right there, we are totally sending her to work for Sheree."

It's all very disappointing because working for you is my dream.

Bravo, I like what you're selling. I like selling what you're selling. I like talking about it, I like writing about it, I like creating embarrassing screen shots.

But I'm more than just a fan. I have ideas. For shows, and the website. Quite frankly, the website needs work. Trying to navigate the video clips, especially since you've added those mofo commercials, is like watching Don try to get through to crazypants Vicki. Incredibly frustrating. (fyi, I can do Bravo similes all day long)(and oh, the footage of passive-aggressive Vicki going completely bonkers apeshit on her adult son because he didn't want to go to Mexico with her? Breathtaking.)

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "why should we pay her when she's giving it away for free? We are a soulless corporation. We're going to steal any good ideas from her blog and crush her dreams." My response: I consider that to be RUDE and UNBECOMING of a major tv network, especially one that employs Mr. Tim Gunn (oops, not any more). Also, I am holding out on you. Big time. Like Kim, I do not give it all up without being PAID.

In conclusion, let me show you what I plan to wear, should you hire me:

It's for casual Fridays. All of the other days I'll just trade out the jeans for a little pencil skirt. Oh, and there will be platform pumps. Most definitely. If this wasn't a cover letter, I'd be all "what do you think about THAT, bitchez?"

I eagerly await a personal call from Andy Cohen offering me a job. Or do you know what would be even better? Have Jeff Lewis call me! That would be really awesome of you.

I'm going to go pick out some office furniture now (don't worry, nothing too expensive).

Love,

SGM

p.s. I would have never EVER let that stinker Date my Ex hit the airwaves. Would have been squashed the minute I heard the word "Jo." Just so you know.

Back in the artificial bosom of the OC

...and it feels so gooooood. I may be compromising my journalistic integrity by saying this, but the OC housewives are my very favorite (except for Jo. I have always hated Jo. In fact, if you like Jo, move along. We don't need your kind here).

For those of you who watched the season premiere last week, what do you think about Tamra's boobs? She allegedly had them downsized but they are still freakishly tip-over HUGE. What about Jeana's Nagel pictures in her bedroom? Yikes. And her verbally abusive ex-husband-to-be still living in the house? Did you see Gretchen giving her teenaged stepson a boner? (this wasn't actually talked about, but we all know it happened when she hugged him while in her tiny bikini). I am very concerned about how Josh's heroin addiction will affect the new marriage of Lauri and George. Lauri just can't have a third divorce. It would destroy her!

So many layers to this show.

Episode 2 is on tonight. Watch it.

An SNL skit on douchebag suburban dads?

No. It's the Beastie Boys. So. Fucking. Depressing.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion

*NOW UPDATED WITH GRATUITOUS PHOTO OF FILTHY HOT DAVE GROHL*

Let's dive right in, sexy bitches!

Topic: Hair

Everyone loves NeNe's new haircut (obv).

Sheree had some major I Dream of Beyonce hair extensions.

To my untrained eye, it actually looked like 2 very (very) separate pieces: bangs and pony. No bueno.

(btw, Sheree, the photo at the top? Don't think we didn't notice the pelvic thrust. WTF?)

While DeShawn looks pretty fantastic above, in reality she looked like she took out her hot rollers on the most humid day in Atlanta's history, empitied a can of Aquanet on herself, had some wild sex and then immediately showed up at the Bravo studios without checking a mirror.

It was big and messy, DeShawn. Just like Kim's coochie.

(omg, that had to have been the grossest thing I've ever said on this blog. I am so sorry. Couldn't be helped.)

Then, the moment we have been waiting for all season--host Andy Cohen reads to Kim the viewer question, "is it a wig?"

By now you've heard the whole cancer story (if not, watch it here), about how 3 years ago she was losing her hair and losing weight, and a doctor friend told her there was a "90% chance" she had cancer. Then Kim trails off tearfully, leading everyone to believe that she had cancer.

There is a bona fide discussion about Kim's "cancer." When Andy finally asks her point blank if she did have the big C, she goes through this whole story about how she was waiting at Chili's (!) for her test results and that she ended up not having cancer--her hair loss was related to another condition that she did "not want to discuss."

Now, I don't know about you, but my ears perked up at this. Why on earth would attention-hungry Kim decline an opportunity to talk about her tragique illness? I have an answer. Here.

Kim, I don't care whether you have/had a raging case of secondary stage syph. The whole point of everyone making fun of the wig was that if you can buy a $68k car on a whim, you can surely afford a wig that doesn't look like it was made from the clippings on the floor of the Bratz factory. As Dwight said to you during the show, "it could be so much more than it is." Amen, sister.

Topic: Is NeNe an ex-stripper?

NeNe played this beautifully. When Andy asked her this viewer question, she said "that's false, I'm still a stripper." She coyly adds that she strips every night, "around the silk plants" (love it) for Gregg.

She's totally an ex-stripper.

No one cares, NeNe.

Topic: Big Papa

Kim says that they are on-again off-again and that it was her decision to keep his identity a secret because he was married and some other blah blah blah. NeNe brings up the fact that even though she's just barely met Big Papa, Kim said in a previous episode that BP was talking shit about NeNe. NeNe proceeds to let loose a marvelous stream of trash talk and profanity that went something like this:

That's some shit you made up! Close your legs to married men. CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN. You made a comment that you'd like to beat my ass. I'd like to see that happen. I'd like to see that happen!

Kim screams something retarded like "watch, bitch! First week in January!" (when her record drops).

NeNe flies out of her chair.

Andy Cohen smiles and thinks "JACKPOT!" Lisa restrains NeNe and sits on her. NeNe screams "trashy hooker!" at Kim, but it sounds like "trashy hook-AH!"

AWESOME.

Somewhere in a CNN van, Anderson Cooper was bouncing up and down in his chair and clapping his hands giddily.

Topic: Is DeShawn Stupid?

DeShawn is pretty much mute during this show, however she did mention that she was "pursuing a master's degree..."

and I was all "I have totally misjudged--" when she added "...online." So, yes. Our original assessment was probably correct.

Topic: Is Kim a pathological liar?

Lisa and Kim start fighting about how Kim found out about NeNe's song in the limo. This part was highly edited and it's hard to tell what was going on. In any case, Lisa pretty much goes apeshit and calls Kim a pathological liar (twice!) and screams that Kim needs to be on "freaking medication." (twice!)

I'm choosing to believe that Kim is a pathological liar because, well, DUH.

Topic: Lisa's delicious husband Ed

Andy reads a viewer question from Bruce in Minneapolis who asks Lisa if he can borrow Ed and his smoking hot bod sometime. Lisa says "ewwwww! No!"

Frank and I think that "Bruce in Minneapolis" is really "Andy at Bravo." Have no shame, buddy. We all want Ed.

Topic: Dwight

Feast your eyes on this.

A red boucle jacket, long hair cascading down his back, calling himself a bigger diva than Sheree...this man is a STAR.

That's it! I didn't really touch on Sheree because it seems like everyone tacitly agreed that she's a big 'ol bitch. There's no use on calling her out on it because she embraces it. Look for She by Sheree in Fall '09.

Kim alludes to a season 2, but she's a pathological liar, so let's not get our hopes up. What did you think of the reunion?

(and bonus topic: did you see dirty sexy Dave Grohl on Top Chef tonight? Do you love him? Yes or no.)