Cover Letter
Thursday, December 4, 2008 Dear Bravo:
It has recently come to my attention that I do not work for you. It's true. I do not receive a Bravo paycheck, I do not have a Bravo 401(k), and in the mornings, Andy Cohen does not walk into my office and say things like "Dude. If Sharon (our bitchy secretary) keeps making personal calls while I'm standing right there, we are totally sending her to work for Sheree."
It's all very disappointing because working for you is my dream.
Bravo, I like what you're selling. I like selling what you're selling. I like talking about it, I like writing about it, I like creating embarrassing screen shots.
But I'm more than just a fan. I have ideas. For shows, and the website. Quite frankly, the website needs work. Trying to navigate the video clips, especially since you've added those mofo commercials, is like watching Don try to get through to crazypants Vicki. Incredibly frustrating. (fyi, I can do Bravo similes all day long)(and oh, the footage of passive-aggressive Vicki going completely bonkers apeshit on her adult son because he didn't want to go to Mexico with her? Breathtaking.)
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "why should we pay her when she's giving it away for free? We are a soulless corporation. We're going to steal any good ideas from her blog and crush her dreams." My response: I consider that to be RUDE and UNBECOMING of a major tv network, especially one that employs Mr. Tim Gunn (oops, not any more). Also, I am holding out on you. Big time. Like Kim, I do not give it all up without being PAID.
In conclusion, let me show you what I plan to wear, should you hire me:
It's for casual Fridays. All of the other days I'll just trade out the jeans for a little pencil skirt. Oh, and there will be platform pumps. Most definitely. If this wasn't a cover letter, I'd be all "what do you think about THAT, bitchez?"
I eagerly await a personal call from Andy Cohen offering me a job. Or do you know what would be even better? Have Jeff Lewis call me! That would be really awesome of you.
I'm going to go pick out some office furniture now (don't worry, nothing too expensive).
Love,
SGM
p.s. I would have never EVER let that stinker Date my Ex hit the airwaves. Would have been squashed the minute I heard the word "Jo." Just so you know.
Reader Comments (27)
You working for Bravo would be the best thing that ever happened to them!
A girl can dream, right? I agree with Court, you would definitely be the best thing to happen to Bravo since our beloved Jeff Lewis. Your recaps really are the best, SGM. I'm always so excited to read them.
Um, can I please crib this cover letter and just swap out some minor details so that it works for the 1001 jobs I've been applying to? Like maybe I'd say I'd wear flats to work, because my feet hurt too much in pumps. But everything else? Is AWESOME.
Hired. Although I have no authority whatsoever.
I thought the exact same thing about there godforsaken website last night when I was on it. It is terrible.
But don't tell my husband. I was supposed to be cleaning the office.
Love that bag, btw. Those bitches should hire you!
Bravo would be stoked to have you on their team, I live for you're morning-after recaps!
and Bravo took down all of the Top Design clips on YouTube. That killed me!
You working for Bravo would be the best thing that ever happened to ME.
Dear SGM,
Your hired, on the condition that you follow through on you Kanye 411 course,it's muy importante.
Bravo
you would look so cute in that outfit!!
they totally need to pay you like for ad space or something at the very minimum.
and did you hear?
ZOE PROJECT was picked up for a second season.
thank you baby jesus.
As a second place prize, will you please, PLEASE go to work for Lucky? I'd like to see you bitch slap those fools into submission. Like only you can do.
Oh, totally, Bravo needs your work on their website. I'm sure if you were in charge It wouldn't say "catch the latest episode of RHOA" for weeks and only show the "Bring on the Bling" episode!
If they're only going to post one episode it should say, "relax, nothing new posted since you last checked"
When do you start work? ohj;-)
1. Long live ZOE, LEWIS, and SGM.
2. When do we get to talk about how them bitches treated Gretchen?
3. Bravo= worst site ever.
If this wasn't a cover letter, I'd be all "what do you think about THAT, bitchez?"
I am totally going to put that in my next actual cover letter.
You are the most quotable blogger in my vast blog-reading universe.
Bravo, are you listening? WORST website ever!
Also, these people are my references.
Isn't it about time that someone out there that does have some authority pulls some strings? Your blog is a big part of the reason why I still watch the shows on Bravo - I have to be in on the joke!
SGM,
Do you have to have implants to work at Bravo? Are your tits big enough? I know your balls are! YOU ROCK!
1. That would be the most fantastic thing. Bravo deserves your biting wit.
2. That bag SHUTS IT DOWN. I want one now.
YOU ARE AWESOME! I Found your website a couple of months ago. And I check for a new entry every day...sad but true!!!-----------keep it up.
And YES Dwight needs his own show!!!!!!!
Thank you for the outpouring of support, everyone. I will not forget you when I am installed in my corner office.
Maybe as a way to really seal the deal with Bravo you could promise to cover TopChef too? I love that show and I know it doesn't show cleavage like the rest of the "Real" series (though sometimes Padma does show some), but I think it would be fabulous to read your commentary on Thursday mornings. Let me know what you think...I am SURE Tom (Colicchio) would like it!
Those douche nozzles over at Bravo dont know what they are missing out on.
YOU ARE DA BRAVO BOMB, SGM!
I'm going to have to figure out if I know someone who knows someone who knows someone at Bravo because you would be perfect for them! And thanks for always making me laugh out loud when I read your blog! You're the best!
If they don't hire you after this cover letter, I will SERIOUSLY question the integrity of Bravo's corporate office. This was unf-ing-believable!! Can you imagine if Jeff Lewis calls you?!?!?
In my native land, I will weave you a special ceremonial textile that will depict the Sacred SGM angering the many, many Real Housewives of the Land of Bravo.