Happy Holidays!

I couldn't resist this--how I love to see Jeff shimmy!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

No wait, I was wrong

THIS is the dumbest thing I have ever seen:

Good God.

This may be the DUMBEST thing I have ever seen in my life

and that's really saying something.

(for those of you viewing this through a reader, click on through and be prepared to lose brain cells.)

Jennifer Aniston's Christmas Letter

Greetings, Friends and Family!

I hope this letter finds you well. John and I have had kind of a tumultuous year, but we are together FOREVER now and wanted to wish all of you the happiest of holidays. We are truly blessed to have each other and to be so blissfully in love. Here are some photos to prove it!

Isn't he adorable when he doesn't smile? I know he looks fucking miserable, but really he just has this dry sense of humor. As he explained it to me, that means he doesn't smile when he tells jokes, or when he's in my presence.

Speaking of sense of humor, look at this one!

He's just told me that he hasn't slept in days and thinks we could use some "time apart." Isn't he hysterical? I can't stop laughing! Everyone should be so lucky to have a boyfriend with such a dazzling wit.

Now for the big news: I am trying to impregnate myself with his baby through sheer force of will.

That's right--no sex (he says he needs to save his energy for his fans, whatever that means!). If only I could get him to make a little eye contact with me, I think I could do it. 'Tis the season for immaculate conceptions, you know!

Wishing you peace, joy and reciprocated love this holiday season,

Jen (and John!)

Why am I so hard on Jen? This should explain everything.

Setbacks and a Half-Assed Recap

I. Setbacks (i.e. excuses)(you may skip this part)

I watched the last episode of Real Housewives of Orange County with Frank. This means that there was WAY TO MUCH jibber-jabbering (e.g. "what the hell? Does she think that looks good? She looks about 92. Did she just say pizza? THAT is $8000?"), and when I tried to hush him, it got even worse ("What? Do you really think she cares about the Indy 500? Do you? Do you?"). It took me approx. five days to watch this episode in its entirety.

Then. You know how I like to pepper (that's right, "pepper") my recaps with relevant photos from Bravo's website? The photos this week were limited to yawn-inducing shots of Vicki and Tamra's Napa trip, all taken from a scene that lasted 3 minutes:

See what I mean? A picture of mofo GRAPES. NOTHING on Jeana, Gretchen or Lauri. How am I supposed to work with this?

This is me, in my tv watching/blog writing outfit, trying my best to FOCUS.

The "JC" on my robe stands for "Just Chillin'" (or "Jesus Christ!" when I'm angry). Anyhow, if the following recap seems lackluster, you have my humblest apologies. Conditions were not ideal.

II. Half-assed Recap

1. Tamra and Simon are going to Napa for their 10th anniversary. They invite Vicki and Donn* along. When I heard this, I was all "BRILLIANT! I would love to go on a romantic trip with a bottomless pit of need who constantly emasculates her husband in public." Smart thinking, Tamra and Simon.

While Vicki is packing for the trip, she is wearing a white tube top with her tan lines showing. Vicki, my darling, I'm going to give it to you straight: you are about 20 years past tube top age. It's time to let go.

I also thought it was so ironic that Vicki said she wasn't packing any "fucking negligee shit...I've had my babies, why do I need to have sex?". Vicki, you walk around in what most people would consider "negligees" (so 1970s) most of your waking hours. Exhibit A (from last season):

See? My Mormon neighbor wouldn't even wear that outfit in her bedroom with the door locked and the lights off.

2. Jeana is continuing to "move on" after her divorce from her husband who still lives with her. She's redecorating her bedroom and gets some $8000 bed linens. For those of you who didn't see it, it kind of looks like one of those fake-bed displays that you see at JC Penny--a satiny copper bedspread and lots of fringed throw pillows. Sorry, Jeana, nothing personal, but I think you were bamboozled.

3. Kara, Jeana's daughter, did not enjoy her freshman year at Berkeley. Let me tell you about Kara: she's an 18 year old Republican who flew to LA every weekend to see her boyfriend. I can't imagine why she doesn't fit in at Berkeley (this is where I give you guys the big eye roll).

4. Gretchen and Jeff are at the Indy 500. Jeff was some sort of bigwig in the automotive industry, so he gets all this VIP treatment. All you need to know about this storyline is that it's straight out of The Girls Next Door (which Gretchen should totally try out for, btw). Lots of giggling, bouncing and inane chatter while an infirm rich dude stands nearby. Seriously, Jeff looked so sickly. Did you hear him say that he was 53? Wish I had a photo of him (AHEM, BRAVO). Poor guy.

5. Vicki and Donn bicker all the way to Napa in front Tamra and Simon. AWKWARD. And also ANNOYING. Vicki and Tamra look ravishing as they tour vineyards in skimpy sundresses and heels that must have sunk into all of the animal doo-doo. Looking good, ladies!

Then Vicki hears a rooster crowing and tries to teach it how to do a really eardrum-shattering "WOO HOO!"

For me, it was the highlight of the show.

Then Tamra does this fakey sexy lingerie show for Simon and presents him with handcuffs, etc. Why did I think it was fakey? Oh, only because a minimum of 3 camera crew people and a producer had to be in the tiny hotel room with them. Nice try, Bravo.

After an alleged toss in the hay, Tamra and Simon meet up with Palestine and Israel--oops, I mean Vicki and Donn, for dinner. Vicki proceeds to literally beg for attention from Donn, who's all "wtf? Would you please lay off?" She tells the camera that Donn used to fill up her "love tank" but doesn't any more. At this point, Frank said "maybe it's because your 'love tank' is too big." And by love tank, he meant vagina. Tee hee! Tamra kind of forces Vicki and Donn to kiss and I pray to the heavens that this scene be over soon.

I must admit, I have a tiny crush on Donn. He has a easy smile and his mannerisms are kind of Johnny Carson-esque. Quite charming.

If I were single and in my late 40s, I might let him fill up my love tank. Can I get an "amen"? Anyone?

6. Enough about Napa! Let's talk Lauri and her family. First we see MacKenzie (Lauri's step-daughter) and Ashley (Lauri's daughter) getting stringy extensions at $599 a pop. By the end of this scene, I desperately wanted to punch MacKenzie. She's a snotty and awful.

Cut to Lauri. So far this season, all we've heard is how blissfully happy she is in her fledgling marriage. Now we learn that her heroin addict son has fallen of the wagon and is in jail on some big drug-related charges. Lauri, I've seen Intervention. I know you're "as happy as your unhappiest child" which is to say, not happy at all. She cries, and it is so sad. She talks about how she wishes she could go back to when he was 3 years old and raise him in the family that she and George now have together. Then there's a photo of her with her son when he was sweet and little.

At this point, I was a little teary and thinking some deep thoughts about addiction, and also "THAT'S Lauri? Are we sure that's Lauri? For real?"

She's the one leaving the show, to concentrate on her family. Good for you, Lauri. I will miss you and your indestructible face.

Tonight, we meet the new housewife Lynne.

She's a jewelry designer and has two "mean" (her words, not mine) teenaged girls, Grant and Raven.** Just by their names, I can tell that they are going to be...magnificent. Welcome, Lynne!

Anything I missed in this episode? Holla at your girl.

*What is with all of the men with the extra consonants? Gregg, Rodger, Donn. Next thing you know, it'll be "Simonn" and "Bigg Papa."

**Everything else I'm reading says their names are Raquel and Alexa. I SWEAR she says Grant and Raven on the video clip. Okay, I just watched it again and she says "rantin' and ravin'." Snort. I kind of like Grant and Raven. More dramatic.

Thank God for dlisted, who had the old photo of Lauri.