"I'll see you outside."

Oooooooooooh! {shivers}

I am reflecting, deeply, upon the magnificence of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. A recap will be up tonight.

So let me ask you something. What is my deal with Andy Cohen?

He's staring at me, right? In his endearing, slightly cross-eyed way? I desperately want to lay my head in his lap while he strokes my hair, yet I also want him to vanish off the face of the earth. What is wrong with me?

I haven't watch the Real Housewives of OC season premiere yet. Who did? Was it a sweet soothing balm of boobs and sun-damaged skin? Speak up!

*THUD*

That was the sound of my body hitting the floor. Because I DIE for these boots.

Frye, of course.

Die, die, die.

The original Amy Fisher (minus the shooting and all that)

From the New York Post:

[Kim] Zolciak, as it turns out, is no stranger to scandal. As a teenager in Windsor Locks, Conn., she had a high-profile affair with a police sergeant, John MacDougald.

According to the Hartford Courant, Zolciak was "16 or 17" when the romance began and allegedly a witness in a criminal investigation at the time...

And this too:

Zolciak's new BFF, Sheree Whitfield, knows something about the police, too: In 1989, when she was 19, Ohio native Whitfield-then known as Sheree Fuller-was arrested, twice, for theft, according to Cuyahoga County court records.

Surprise, surprise.

"Okay, so I have a crack in the foundation, well DUH, I've never had an instrument."

What?

It saddens me to tell you that I will not be doing a recap this week*. Instead, I will be doing a PSA for a very serious condition known as Real Housewives of Atlanta Poisoning (RHAP). RHAP is usually triggered by a combination of prolonged exposure to Real Housewives of Atlanta and Kim Zolciak google alerts. Symptoms include fake smiling in uncomfortable social situations,

looking like a cheap hooker at a family dinner**,

and threatening people with bodily harm when they make simple requests of you.

These signs may or may not be accompanied by extreme bitterness toward Andy Cohen.

Anyone exhibiting these symptoms is in urgent need of medical attention. As you might have guessed, I was a victim of RHAP. Luckily, I received help just in time--the emergency room staff ended up pumping my stomach and told me that I had near-fatal levels of Chardonnay, synthetic hair and French manicures in my system. Had my husband not acted quickly when I screamed "let your hater be your motivator!" in the middle of the night, I might not be here today.

I am feeling better but still have the occasional desire to hire a personal chef and create my own fashion line. The doctors say that if I continue listening to NPR and avoid Real Housewives for a week, there is a good chance that I will make a full recovery (only time will tell if I have suffered permanent damage to my brain). Please keep me in your prayers, and be on the alert for signs of this life-threatening condition in yourself and others.

Thank you, and have a spectacular weekend.

*For those of you who were unable to watch it (e.g. no dvr, you live in Jordan, you have standards, etc.) do not fret. Total snoozefest, as several of you commented in a previous post.

**Big, big props to the anonymous commenter who described this outfit as Kim's French hooker can-can dress and wondered about the "hookers around-the-world" theme she has going on.

That bitch Andy Cohen is taunting me

How fableeous does our girl NeNe look?! I seriously had to double-check to make sure that Christian was not snuggling up to Mary J. Doesn't Vicki look like she was just trying to get a photo of herself with NeNe when Christian was all "hey, fierce bitches!" and then launched himself right into their laps? I bet you Andy's mojito that Vicki is thinking "damn, he weighs a lot more than he looks."

photo from here