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Let's hear your opinions on the following:

1. VH1's Sober House. OMG. How is Steven Adler still alive? Why did Dr. Drew let him stay when he was using at the house? Don't they have any sort of protocol in that place?

Um, I think your room is that one upstairs with all of the needles and heroin.

Feelings about Rodney King?

2. Rock of Love Bus. Icky, yet I can't look away.

3. Top Chef. Who's going to win? Jamie? Stefan? Did anyone go home that you thought shouldn't have? Someone still there that should have gone home a long time ago?

4. Sophocles still sells! Bravo tells me that viewership of Real Housewives of Orange County is up 30% from last year, no doubt due to the antics of the Oedipal duo, Tamra and Ryan. Congrats on selling your souls, you two!

"I'm not being mean, I'm really being helpful"

Oh gosh, Vicki, thanks for clearing that up. I had no idea that nonstop lecturing, shutting other people down, and death stares were "helpful." Personally, I would have classified it as "rude asshole." My mistake!

If you made it through this episode without having any sort of violent fantasy about Vicki, then please leave a comment to that effect and I will email the Pope, because you are a candidate for sainthood. More on that later. Recap time!

1. After the big build-up of the "TO BE CONTINUED..." Gretchen and Ryan drama, nothing happens. Dammit, Bravo! Such a tease. However, after they leave the bathroom, they reconvene on the patio where Ryan puts his arm around Gretchen's waist and is rewarded with a nice, solid feel of side-boob.

Tamra tells the camera that Ryan offered to drive Gretchen home, but that Tamra said no, that's a bad idea. Tamra, I don't understand you. You spend all night trying get Ryan some action and then you cockblock at the last minute? What the hell?

2. Jeana is depressed about the end of her marriage. To illustrate the point, Bravo shows Jeana's messy bedroom and how she is completely joyless when she flat-irons her hair. We also see her clutching her dogs and trying to get them to pay attention to her in front of the camera.

When she meets with her trainer, she looks like the living dead. He does some motivational speaking that seems to have no effect and then they go on a walk.

You know what? I think you're allowed to be sad when your marriage ends. Come in for a hug, Jeana. It will eventually all be okay.

3. It's Tamra's turn to host the neighborhood stay-at-home mom and kiddie pool party. Gretchen shows up,

and SURPRISE! Ryan does too!

Tamra says that Ryan was hoping to pick up where he left off. He did this by showing Gretchen his irresistable inner-lip "nugget" tattoo. Brilliant move. Didn't work.

Tamra tells the camera "I think Gretchen's envious of me and where I am in life" and ALSO, "she needs to stop partying and get serious." I totally agree. Everyone knows that being the sole caretaker of a terminally ill fiance is a neverending PAR-TAY! Gretchen needs to stop spending all of her time in the fun-factory that is ICU and grow up already.

Tamra introduces Gretchen to her friends. There's a lot of talk about fake boobs, and everyone has them except for Gretchen. Tamra is smug as she tells the camera that Gretchen had little bit of boob envy. Well, obviously! Who wouldn't want sun-damaged XXL tits of granite?

I'm being rather harsh, aren't I? I need to move on.

4. Vicki founded this networking group and she's getting an award for it at a party hosted by Jeana. Vicki tells the camera how everything she touches is gold and how society would collapse without her, etc. (not those exact words, but that was what she meant). Right when I am about to nod off, she receives her award and FALLS ON HER ASS.

My first thought was, that is so fucking awesome! My second thought was, did the force of the fall cause her shirt fall off? No, that's just Vicki wearing her age-inappropriate halter top. Jesus. She stays on the ground a little bit and milks it. Donn tries to be kind about it. Vicki eventually gets up and struts around with her award like it's the gd Nobel Peace Prize.

She might as well be screaming "PLEASE LOVE ME!"

Psych 101, people.

5. Lynne is taking a shot at being a jewelry designer. The name of her business is called Cuff Love, and she custom designs cuffs at her dining room table with a glue gun and a box of crap from Hobby Lobby.

We don't actually see the glue gun and the box of crap, but that was the whole feel of this scene. As I watched her glue things on, tear them off and then glue something else on the same cuff, I was guessing that it would cost her $3 tops to make one of these things, and that they would retail for $15 or so.

We soon learn that Lynne, with no background in jewelry design, sells these homemade cuffs for $225 - $375. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What dumb motherfuckers are buying these?! Oh yeah, FRED SEGAL, as we find out later in the show. Speechless.

6. Jeana and Gretchen have lunch. Gretchen says that Jeff's ex-wife is causing trouble. Jeana says something like, "wow, couldn't you be a little easier on her?" and Gretchen says that she knows how to handle the situation because "this is the third ex-wife that's caused a problem." Jeana, confused, asks "how many ex-wives does Jeff have?" The answer? FIVE. FIVE EX-WIVES. Jeana burst out laughing. Not so fast, Jeana--Jeff is your new hero. He's gotten over 5 divorces, so why are you all sad about two?

7. The ladies take a limo to Fred Segal for some shopping. Vicki makes a big scene about WORKING and brings her laptop. "It's a waste of an hour if you're not working," she says, which translates to "I consider talking to all of you a waste of my time." Why doesn't someone call her on this bullshit?!

Vicki says that she's just so BUSY and needs an assistant in the limo! Lynne volunteers, and Vicki says dismissively, "I need someone who knows how to work." Cut to Lynne, who's being interviewed by the camera--she flips Vicki off for a full 5 seconds. TEAM LYNNE!

8. At Fred Segal, the housewives get the opportunity to design their own fragrance. In order to do that, everyone has to describe what kind of scents they like/dislike. Gretch says that she likes flirty and floral, Lynne says that she likes beachy and patchouli (not kidding) and do you know what Vicki says? "I'm a business woman." She's totally contrarian and hates everything she smells. omg, I want to THROTTLE her.

9. Gretchen and Jeana shop around a bit and check out some high end vibrators.

Gretchen sticks it in her ear. Kinky!

10. Everyone heads to the Viceroy (so beautiful) for lunch.

Discussion turns to Gretchen, and how she will support herself if Jeff dies. It's a moral issue, as in "is it okay to ask my dying fiance whether I will be taken care of when/if he dies." Vicki immediately launches into an insurance lecture, and things get heated because whenever anyone else tries to voice an opinion, Vicki interprets it as an attack on insurance. When Lynne mentions that it might not be sensitive to bring up money while the guy is on his deathbed, Vicki says "I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 20 YEARS. STOP BEING CONFRONTATIONAL," with barely controlled rage.

Vicki, I know you won't listen to me either, but chill the fuck OUT. You sell insurance. It's not brain surgery. Life insurance beneficiaries get money--it does not take 20 years of owning an insurance agency to understand that. This really had nothing to do with insurance anyway; the issue was whether Gretchen should approach Jeff about money. You were trying to make Gretchen do what you wanted and when Lynne didn't agree, you flipped out. Everything about your behavior in this scene made me want to fly to Coto and give you a good smack in the head with your laptop.

If you disrespect Donn in the next episode (as was suggested by previews), SO HELP ME GOD, I will force you to ride in a limo with your friends and no wi-fi, which is apparently your worst nightmare.

Whew. I've been dying to get all of that out. Felt good.

Please discuss.

Andy Cohen interviews Andy Cohen

Andy Cohen may be a bigwig senior v.p. at Bravo, but we all know him as the dude who moderates all of the reunion shows. He has a blog that I always forget to read (because there's no option to subscribe--hint hint, Bravo), but when I do, I'm never disappointed. He says things like "dicking around" and references Madame the puppet

(which to be honest, incapacited me with disbelief/joy for a few moments) and is just generally gay and funny. Also, he doesn't delete the aggressively sexual comments such as "[I'd like] an Andy Cohen and Shane Keough sandwich with me in the middle" and "you are sexy, hairy, sexy, funny, and sexy." LOVE it. Why don't I get comments like that? Anyhow, after the shitstorm surrounding last week's episode of Real Housewives, he decided to post an interview with himself and address some burning issues. His answers are definitely worth reading. My reactions are in the brackets.

On the "Let's watch Gretchen get wasted and then trap her in a tiny room with horny Ryan" episode of Real Housewives:

AC: OK well judging by the overload of comments on your blog, the top story people are wondering about is what you call the "Disturbia in Suburbia". Have you spoken to any of the Housewives since that fateful episode?

AC: I spoke to Tamra's husband, Simon, the other day and I understand that she's pissed and feels that she was edited badly and not portrayed well. [Sounds like someone has been getting some dirty looks in the carpool lane!]

AC: And do you think that's a fair argument? Was she a victim of the editors?

AC: I don't love the "blame the editor" defense and don't see how it could be twisted that she said 3x that she wanted to get Gretchen drunk. [Amen, brother!] But the big point is that Gretchen is an adult and the idea that someone (Tamra) has the power to completely control her has no legitimacy. Tamra didn't force her to do a thing. I do think Tamra has a lot to get off her chest [namely, those ginormous implants] and she deserves to be heard, and the same goes for Gretchen. I am quite interested to hear what they both have to say at the reunion show. [Translation: I am terrified that Tamra's going to direct her rage at me, but it will be good tv]

On the spectacular assbomb that was Date my Ex:

AC: I would like for you to defend the Jo and Slade dating show. People keep commenting about it but you never respond to any of the posts. [Andy, I know you are speaking directly to me on this. No need to be coy, darling.]

AC: I don't think I need to "defend" it, Andy...

AC: Don't call me Andy.

AC: Anyway, I think that it was a cute, fun summer show and ultimately maybe it was too fluffy for Bravo or at least for Andy's Blog readers, who I know are discriminating customers. [Actually, Andy, it's because Jo and Slade are two of the most annoying, narcissistic d-bags I've ever seen. So transparent. I would rather staple my tongue to the floor than root for either one of them. Not cute, not fluffy, just "not watchable."]

And finally, on his own slightly crossed-eyes:

AC: Well, since you brought up the reunion shows, when are you going to get your crossed eyes fixed?

AC: Funny that you bring that up, Andy, because I just heard that there's a procedure to fix wandering eyes that is fairly simple.

AC: So, you're all set, huh??

AC: The issue is that this "simple" procedure involves their taking your eyeball out and zapping your eye muscles. And I am really freaked about someone taking out my eyeball and then putting it back.

AC: You're a cross-eyed wimp.

AC: I hate you.

You like him, right? Yes. You should subscribe to his blog! Oh wait. We can't. (Andy, feel free to email me with a job offer.)

The conclusion to "Disturbia in Suburbia" is on in moments! Let me know what you think.

All Good

1. Season 3 of Flipping Out began filming last Monday. I feel weak with relief.

2. Donn Gunvalson, all is not lost. You are loved.

(shirt created by one of our own, btw)

3. I didn't want to go to bed last night because it meant leaving this song. (and don't give me the "I hate John Mayer" bullshit because I know that you secretly want to hug and kiss him. That being said, he is being a total wet blanket for not allowing me to embed the video.)

4. I have been trying to avoid telling you about this blog for fear you would leave me, but I love you all too much to deprive you of this guy's brilliant Real Housewives of Orange County photocaps. Check out the Bromance ones too. Go ahead. Shoo.

Happy Friday.

"You might know this little guy here--Ryan!"

Why, yes, Tamra! I think I do remember the lad. Isn't he your perpetually unemployed fucktard son whom you affectionately refer to as a "man-whore"? The one you hired to bone Gretchen help tend bar at your formal party for the Housewives? Yes, I am familiar with him.

Many of you have washed your hands of Real Housewives of Orange County because this episode was offensive on so many levels, even by reality tv standards. To you I say, please avoid Rock of Love Bus; it's even worse, if you can imagine. I'm not even going to cover the events in the first 40 minutes of this week's RHOC, because really it was just filler leading up to the debacle that was Ryan and Gretchen (and Tamra). Well, maybe I'll cover 18 year old Raquel's drunken bowling, but only to illustrate the point that microphones do not magically turn off when you are engaging in monkey business in the bathroom--a lesson that would have been of benefit to Ryan and Gretchen as well.

To set the scene: Tamra takes an etiquette class because Simon is British (!) and thinks Tamra could use a little instruction. To practice her newly learned manners (oh, the IRONY), she decides to host a formal dinner party at her house, catered by Top Chef contestant Brian Malarkey (who, incidentally, is adorable--what's his story? Anyone?). Tamra asks for tequila to be incorporated into the menu because Sir Simon's new business venture has something to do with tequila.

Let me back up a bit. Through the first 40 minutes of the show, we see Gretchen really struggling with the emotional burden of her terminally ill fiance. He is has been in the hospital for a long stretch and recently told her that he doesn't want to live any more. She knows that it's not good for her to spend every waking moment at the hospital, but says that if she takes a break, she feels guilty which is made even worse by other people (TAMRA) judging her.

Economic Note: did you all catch a glimpse of Gretchen's fancy-pants pedicure? And those long-ass French manicures on everyone? Swear to God, nail salons in OC must be recession-proof.

Back to the party. Ryan has decided that he now wants to have a career as a bartender, so Tamra hires him for the night to be a "bartender's helper." Considering how much he talks about getting drunk and how much we see him getting drunk, I would expect Tamra to have a little more faith in his tequila-pouring abilities, but whatever. She knows him better than we do.

Everyone arrives. Doesn't this look like a happy crowd?

I think Vicki left her WOOHOO at home.

Dinner is served. One of my biggest pet peeves is when picky eaters make barf faces/noises when served food they don't like. Either eat it or don't, but don't make it a big fucking production, especially if you are at a party and ESPECIALLY if it is scallops prepared by a cutie-pie Top Chef dude.

I am so sorry, Donn. Truly. (Team Donn, please click HERE for a way to show your love and support. Many thanks to creative and hilarious Megan at BB8 for making this happen.)

Tamra makes a toast and gets teary-eyed as she says "I think of you all as family." Once again, Lynne stuns with a brilliant deadpan (stoned) comment to the camera: "I don't think she realized Frank and I were there." HA!

Simon asks Tamra to tell everyone what she has learned in manners class. Tamra talks about "Euro-peens" and demonstrates the Continental style of eating. Gretchen, who's already had a little too much alcohol, does a toungue-y XXX version of the Continental. She proceeds to make orgasm sounds and suggestive remarks at the table that cause everyone at the table to do a double-take. She announces that she hasn't gotten laid in 8 months. It's all rather inappropriate and full of FORESHADOWING.

Meanwhile, Tamra is conspiring with Vicki to get Gretchen even more drunk--"naked drunk," in fact, and "we're gonna try and make her do something stupid." Why? Tamra thinks that Gretchen is a phony and that the tequila will bring out her "dark side." Even though it's obvious that Gretchen is already hammered, Tamra is shouting "Gretchen needs another shot!" and there's this creepy wink-wink thing going on with Vicki and her. As all of this is going on, smarmy Ryan is all over Gretchen like white on rice, and she's drunk and starved for attention and flirting like crazy. We're all watching helplessly as Tamra's evil plan starts to unfold and Gretchen gets more and more out of control:

Not pretty. Check out Jeana's expression (and Tamra's).

And Lynne's:

Lynne tells the camera, "It was not good. I was worried for her." You know that when pothead Lynne's worried, there's a problem. Jeana looks very uncomfortable throughout and says "Gretchen didn't need much convincing" when it came to doing more shots, and that she is "very concerned because [Gretchen] had no control of her actions." (look at all of these quotes! I feel like I'm writing a term paper, for God's sake!)

The mutual flirting and touching escalate. OH SHIT.

Know what Vicki says to the camera? "What Ryan and Gretchen do is none of my business. If they want to hook up, I don't care." NICE. Thanks for reminding everyone why you are such a world-class bitch.

Then comes the clincher on the whole Tamra-is-the-devil issue. Lynne reports that she and Frank have offered to take Gretchen home, but Tamra declined on Gretchen's behalf, saying that Gretchen will spend the night at Tamra's (lair). OH SHIT again. Is there any question that Ryan and Gretchen's rooms will just happen to adjoin?

Next, Tamra tells the camera with barely disguised glee that she notices that Ryan and Gretchen have disappeared from the party. What a sick mofo.

Cut to a bathroom door where we hear Gretchen's slurred whisper "I am engaged to a very nice man" and "you totally turn me on." Totally edited, but still. Not good. Not good AT ALL. We are left with a "to be continued."

Nice work, Tamra. Way to take advantage of a woman in the midst of a personal tragedy and pimp out your son.
Let's discuss this. No doubt Tamra's behavior was deplorable, but what is Gretchen's responsibility in all of this? She's a big girl. Yes, she was vulnerable, but no one was forcing her to take those shots and nuzzle Ryan (icky). At some point, no matter how drunk and sad you are, don't you say to yourself "this is all being filmed and I'd better shape up before I ruin my life"?

Opinions, please.