What are you having for dinner?

Because I know what Gretchen's having.

A skeezy nugget, some tequila-flavored vomit, and an extra large helping of shame and regret.

Tune in tonight to watch it all go down (and then come back up!).

"Without Vicki, we all had a good time."

Oooooh, quote of the week comes from the taciturn, and likely mentally-challenged, Lynne. Her observation really resonated with me because, as was made clear in this episode, VICKI SUCKS. So does Tamra. More on that later.

So, I feel kind of embarrassed. Last week I insisted that you watch Real Housewives of Orange County, and this week's episode was a shining example of why you should never, ever listen to me. Read on to see why everyone on this show needs a good, hard spanking (with the possible exception of Jeana).

1. Gretchen gets her $65,000, 4.7 carat engagement ring in the mail. That's right, the mail. Dressed in a hot pink shorty-short sweatsuit, she runs around shrieking and baby-clapping and shoving her hand in everyone's face, which would be understandable if she lived in a sorority house in 1980 and was betrothed to the BMOC. But this isn't the case. She lives in a townhome in 2008, and is set to be the fifth wife of a terminally ill millionaire old dude. She is flaunting her ring in front of her teenaged step-children who, God love them, try to be excited, but can't quite manage it. You could practically see the bubbles over their heads saying "my share of $65 grand is on this nitwit's hand and I'm supposed to be happy?"

I'm not saying that Gretchen shouldn't be excited about her engagement, but there's no need to shout the equivalent of "I'm taking your money! Hahahahaha!" to the poor stepkids. Not nice.

2. Lynne's 15 year old daughter, Alexa, is back with the boyfriend who told her (correctly) that she looked like a stripper at her sister's birthday party. Lynne is hanging out with them in the kitchen and I swear to God, if I didn't know better I'd say she was a boarder in that house. All she does when she's with her kids is feign polite interest, stare and make weird comments. She is unusually detached in all of the kitchen scenes--maybe there's some radon poisoning happening with her granite? She needs to get it tested.

3. All of the housewives except Vicki (she so busy! she's always working! she loves to work!) go shopping for big fancy hats to be worn at opening day at Del Mar (a horse track). Gretchen and Tamra, who have made up since the cry-fest last week, are both desperately vying to be the center of attention. They're both being too loud and too giggly as they do everything short of jazz-hands to get attention. It was during this scene that I felt an inkling of like for Lynne, who selected her hat without much fuss and sat all chill in a corner the rest of the time. Meanwhile Tamra and Gretchen strutted around in their hats referencing Great Gatsby. Yes! It was all very Great Gatsby, if by Great Gatsby you mean this:

To the camera, Tamra gets all nasty about Gretchen grabbing all of the hot pink hats. Tamra scornfully says something along the lines of "she KNEW I was planning to wear hot pink. Guess I'll have to change my outfit now, huh?"

4. THEN! Because Vicki's out of town (working! she works so hard!), her son Michael has a pool party. We see Michael getting WASTED and talking about how he's going to get WASTED all summer WOOOOOOOO, and I was all "young man! wtf? Didn't we just learn a few episodes ago that your dad is an alcoholic?"

Oh, but here comes the best part. Vicki calls and Michael's girlfriend answers. Vicki says that she just got off the phone with Jeana, who reported that there were lots of cars outside of Vicki's house. Vicki doesn't seem to mind the party but rattles off 5 zillion nitpicky housekeeping rules. After they hang up, Michael and girlfriend start going OFF on Jeana, about how she should get off Michael's case and instead "be worried about selling my mom's house." !!! The girlfriend, a mere child, calls Jeana a BITCH. On national tv! Ooooooooooh! Then everyone at the party ironically shotguns a beer "to Jeana!"

See what I mean about the spankings?

5. Lauri's back. Already. She has lunch with Tamra. When did Lauri become the grandam of this show, spouting wisdom and not engaging in (that much) cattiness? Anyhow. Highly edited, but this is the notorious scene where Tamra tells Lauri about making Gretchen cry and says "I didn't know whether to feel sorry for her or hand her an Oscar." Then Tamra talks some unbelievable bs about how she hates the gossip and backstabbery of the housewives. PLEASE. You trade in the gossip and backstabbery, Tamra (and YES, after many months of defending you, I am FINISHED).

6. Vicki, Tamra, Jeana and husbands (and Kara) are in a limo headed to the race track. Guess what Vicki's doing? Tapping away on her laptop! Because she owns her own business! she is important! Vicki, listen to me: that is so fucking rude. STOP IT. Loved it when Jeana told the camera that she saw what Vicki was doing, and that she was just responding to "fun" emails, not work.

In the limo, Tamra tells Kara with much disdain that Gretchen is trying to copy her. Warning to everyone out there, if you own or have ever wanted a pink motorcycle or a pink dress, then you are copying Tamra because those ideas originated with HER.

7. The limo group enters the suite, where Gretchen, Gretchen's brother, Lynne and Mr. Lynne are gathered. Tamra is pissed when she sees that Gretchen didn't even wear the pink dress that she said she was going to! Death to Gretchen! Cut to Vicki, who is giving the most dismissive greeting I have EVER seen to Mr. Lynne.

Vicki and Tamra and husbands separate themselves from everyone else, with Tamra whispering that she doesn't want to sit by Gretchen and Lynne et al. Vicki echos this thought with a super-bitchy "I don't know them. Why would I want to sit with them?"

GOOD GOD! It's a small group and you're on television! Can't you just be nice, Vicki? For a couple of hours? It seems not. Gretchen and Lynne look and feel totally excluded. I cringed at the sight of Lynne sitting at a table alone while Vicki and Tamra and husbands are pointedly ignoring her and guffawing not 3 feet away. Lynne's weird and all, but she's not mean. I felt sorry for her.

Apparently Vicki and Tamra think that they are still to close to Cootie Lynne and decide to move with their husbands to the inner part of the suite. Vicki and Tamra proceed to rip Gretch to SHREDS, talking with raised eyebrows about how she's being too flirty, too sexy, too hungry for attention (pot, kettle, black, etc.).

Then Vicki says some rude, uncalled-for shit to Donn and I would hereby like to announce the formation of the DONN GUNVALSON FAN CLUB right here on this blog. We are going to have SAVE DONN t-shirts and coffee mugs. Please offer your support to Donn in the comments. (Do you have a fan club Vicki? DO YOU?)

Meanwhile, Jeana feels sorry for Lynne and Gretchen and decides to hang with them. As you can imagine, this pisses off Vicki and Tamra and they talk shit about her too. Vicki thinks Jeana is not hanging with them in order "push [Vicki's] buttons." Actually, Vicki, it's called being friendly to others. You should look into it.

As everyone is saying their insincere goodbyes, Lynne again comes with the suprisingly adept thought that Vicki and Tamra "are pretty much . . . cold." Amen, sister. I have a feeling that we are going to be seeing more of that next week. Good luck to you, Lynne.

Despite what I said before about not listening to me, I really think you should watch next week. I mean, Gretchen and Ryan? I know they won't get it on, but still. We must see how it all unfolds.

Talk to me, Goose.

Go ahead. Admit it.

You've missed them.

You are not alone.

Questions:

Is is just me, or does Ramoner look like she's been dipped in a vat of turd?

What do you think of this sexy-face?

And this one?

Props to the 7th housewife! (No need to compliment me on the photoshopping. I know I'm very skilled.)

The Countess and I have had our differences, but doesn't she look fantastic?

Apparently, the drunken squeezing of strangers' nads is the secret to glowing skin.

I know that we all love Bethennnnney and her razor-sharp wit, but I think she's a vampire. Or a rectangle.

What about the new housewife Kelly Bensimon?

Gorgeous. But is she an idiot? We shall see very soon.

Season 2 of Real Housewives of NYC premieres on February 17. Be there or be a rectangle.

promo photos courtesy of 360i on behalf of Bravo--thanks Orli.

A feast for the eyes!

Or maybe it's bulimia for the eyes. I'm not sure.

Kim's blog* is everything you would expect it to be and more, including:

- "candid" photos (such as the one above)

- namedropping and puffery that backfire in every. single. post. For example, her response to a rumor that she's dating Michael Lohan, "I have never even met Michael. The only thing we have in common is the same publicist...I will be going to Sundance to be a part of a celebrity poker tournament...but Michael and I are are in no way going together as a couple." JESUS.

- favorite makeup. Now we can all have the secret to looking 10 years older!

Enjoy.

Oh, wait! Two more things. First, did you watch RHOC last night? I have had it up to HERE with Tamra and Vicki. But even more importantly--NEXT WEEK. Gretchen and Ryan (Tamra's petri dish of a son) HOOK UP?! I'm sure Bravo is just yanking our chain with this one, but the thought of it makes me feel dizzy. And nauseous.

Second. Win a day in Rachel Zoe's shoes*, courtesy of Piperlime. OMFG. Enter to win here.

Be back soon with more on RHOC. xoxo, my darlings.

*Thanks to those of you who alerted me. I am forever in your debt.

I implore you,

PLEASE watch Real Housewives of Orange County. I think that the new housewife, Lynne, is...a cave woman.

At first I thought she was just perpetually drunk because she has really bad judgment and unusually slow reactions to everything. But that doesn't explain the big muscles, leathery skin and complete lack of social skills. Then it hit me--the woman is clearly from the Paleolithic era. The split ends? It's because she cuts her hair with a sharp rock. Why do she and her daughters dress in clothes that barely cover their ladyparts? Because she wants them all to look fertile. (how I wish I had a picture of 15 year old Alexa in her skimpy dress. Even her boyfriend told her she looked like a stripper.) Did you see that part tonight when Lynne wouldn't reveal her age even though Gretchen asked her 27 different ways? It's because she's a time-traveler. BUSTED, Lynne!

If watching a real life Neanderthal is not enough enticement for you, then how about this: why did Tamra's son Ryan tattoo "nugget" on the inside of his lip?

Oooooooooh, you want to know, don't you? I'm not telling. You must watch.

What else? Ah, yes! Look what the cat dragged in off the greasy, desperate, fame-whorey street:

JO! AUGH!!!!!! My hatred of Jo knows no bounds! She's allegedly shooting a music video in this episode. Give it up, Jo. Begone with you. Everyone, ignore Jo and watch Tamra be totally mean to Gretchen and refuse to apologize.

Mmmm, yes!

Listen, I know that tomorrow is New Year's Eve and we all have shit to do, but get your priorities straight! This show is GOLD.

Also, I would love to talk about The City. As commenter Decs pointed out in the last post, Jay is part Australian, part retard. Run, Whitney, run! What about the conniving Olivia? Talk to me.