It's ON, Kim!

I knew that there was a recent video of Andy Cohen interviewing the cast of RHOA , but I had never watched it until now.

OH SHIT. It's good.

First, Kim reveals that Big Papa is not black.

Second, blogs are discussed. Kim says she doesn't read blogs anymore because they upset her so much. She also says "these bloggers, they have nothing else to do but sit on their fat asses and write stuff."

Kim, you WISH you knew what my ass looks like. Mmmm, jelly jelly jelly!

NeNe, by the way, is basking in our love.

Kim also attempts to justify her frenzied spending of Big Papa's money, and there's a funny "¿donde esta DeShawn?" moment. You should watch it.

Oh, and Andy Cohen? You're in my chair.

(subscribers, click on through to watch the video)

"I end up on the pole. How does that happen?" PART II

1. When we last left the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim was smoking and drinking a harmless little glass of chard in the driver's seat of her Porsche. Now Sheree, in the passenger's seat, tells Kim that NeNe "has a song" (a #1 hit single!) that makes fun of Kim's singing career. Remember, Sheree was not in the limo when NeNe was singing the song. So how did she know about it? "I was told in the strictest confidence," Sheree tells the camera, "and I will not reveal my source." At first, I thought "LISA! It had to be Lisa!" But Lisa says this on her blog:

The song? It amazes me how many times this story has changed. I did discuss the song with Sheree. How Kim found out is still a puzzle to me. I was told that Kim found out by someone that was in the limo that the viewers couldn't see. I've heard several stories, (including I was the one to tell Kim).

What? Things aren't adding up. Didn't Lisa watch the show? Either Lisa is doing some poor c.y.a. or Bravo has engaged in some editing tomfoolery. I don't know what to believe! Lisa also suggests on her blog that she is on NeNe's side in this argument:

Nene and I have grown to become close friends and there is a lot more to her than just drama. She is a fun person that says what she feels. I didn't know that everything she says, she has already said it to them (a woman after my own heart).

Snitch or not, Lisa appears to be the most level-headed person on the show, and her statement reassures me that the core value of Team NeNe continues to be non-fake-assery. (But to be honest, I would cling to any excuse to remain on Team NeNe.) Bottom line is, once Sheree had her second-hand information, she ran to Kim with it.

Did I just write a full paragraph on this stupid fight?

Back to the parking lot. Kim says "NeNe has talked so much shit about me, it's unbelievable. I mean really, fucking dumbass." She's super-pissed as she drives off.

2. For some reason (which is code for "at Bravo's insistence"), all of the Housewives meet at a lingerie store. Lisa is the only one there when Kim and Sheree saunter in. Kim, wearing her sunglasses and an heaping serving of boob, casually remarks that she doesn't wear underwear.

Ugh. All that did was conjure up a vision of Kim in her too-short skirts leaving some sort of snail's trail on the seat of her car. (sorry so gross) (but it must be true.) She goes on to announce that Big Papa likes "granny panties." I knew he liked it freaky in the bedroom! What else could Kim possibly bring to the table?

Everyone has some wine! NeNe and DeShawn walk in and DeShawn is greeted warmly while NeNe is pretty much ignored. NeNe is confused but carries on. Kim (still in sunglasses) and Sheree leave soon after because "it's too tense." NeNe says she has no idea what's going on but that Kim has been manipulated by Sheree and "poor Kim's wig is squeezin' her brain." A-HA! This confirms our suspicions--wig city.

3. Kim and Sheree go to a Mexican restaurant to meet famous producer Dallas Austin to discuss Kim's meeting with her vocal coach. Before Dallas arrives, Sheree tells Kim that they must order the guacamole; it's the best thing on the menu. Kim tells Sheree that she's never had guacamole. This is very suspicious to me, but something tells me that Kim doesn't like anything plant-based in her system. The guacamole is made tableside with a mortar and pestle and you can tell it's going to be muy, muy bueno. Kim's reaction: "It's being made in a ROCK? You're out of your fuckin' mind! That can't be very sanitary." OH, FOR THE MOTHER LOVE OF GOD, Kim! Since when have you and your pantiless cooch been concerned with sanitation? And she's never seen a mortar and pestle before? Kim acts like a 5 year old when she finally tastes it, making a barf face and calling it "green garbage" and saying that it "tastes like shit." Nice manners! I'm sure Big Papa is bursting with pride.

Dallas arrives. Sheree gets a little gooey-eyed. In the words of Kanye, "I ain't sayin' she a gold digger..."

Yes, YOU, Sheree.

Kim is wondering how to tell Dallas that the vocal coach said her voice needs a lot (a LOT) of work. She starts by repeating the "beautiful house, cracked foundation" analogy that Jan told her.

Then she recounts a part of the conversation that we didn't hear, the part where Kim is told she's going to have to learn from the ground up, just as if she were a baby learning how to talk. Kim says to Dallas: "She says 'what's 2 +2', I said '4'; she said 'how do you spell cat', I said 'k-a-t'."

Cut to Sheree whose eyes dart around to catch someone's eye as if to say "wtf? Did she just say k-a-t?"

Really, is anyone that dumb? I'm going to give Kim the benefit of the doubt on this one and say that she fumbled, perhaps because of the wine in the car and the lunchtime drinkie-poo. In any case, Sheree tells the camera that Kim and Dallas have a "genuine friendship." Yes! A genuine friendship that's contingent upon a massive flow of cash from Big Papa to Dallas.

4. Meanwhile, NeNe and DeShawn are having lunch. DeShawn deduces that NeNe's song must be the cause of Kim's rebuff. According to DeShawn, the whole thing was blown out of proportion and "this is not how elite society in Atlanta acts." I'll say. But this show isn't about elite Atlanta society, is it? DeShawn tells NeNe she's going to call Kim and get the whole thing straightened out.

Cut to Kim at lunch with Sheree. When Kim answers her phone and hears DeShawn's voice SHE HANGS UP ON HER. Kim knew that NeNe was with DeShawn and "I didn't want to deal with it," Kim shrugs. Poor naive DeShawn calls back and leaves a voicemail for Kim that basically says "I don't know what happened! My phone's dead! I'm with NeNe, call me back!"

NeNe, on the other hand, knows what's up. She's sad. She knows Kim's mad about the song and says "something that was pure innocent fun changed into drama."

Meanwhile, Kim says "NeNe's been pretty disrespectful!" Oh, the irony! Sheree responds with "she's miserable inside." You know what, Sheree? Shut it.

5. NeNe wants to start her own foundation to help victims of domestic abuse. Apparently she was in an abusive relationship in her 20s. She talks it over with Gregg and he is an endless fount of support and love (and of course a little bit o' money). I know he doesn't look like it in this photo, but really, he is.

NeNe's going to name the foundation Twisted Hearts and have a brunch to raise $20,000. She said she's learned from DeShawn's mistakes and will make it a small, private event.

6. Kim arrives at Dallas Austin's studio to record Tightrope. Check it:

What? Doesn't everyone wear a white top hat to a recording session? All she needs is a diamond tipped cane and some high-heeled tap shoes and she's ready for A Whore-us Line. Oh my God, I cannot get "ONE...singular sensation, every little step she takes..." out of my head. But seriously, is this not the BEST outfit you have ever seen?! I'm going to put it on my sidebar. And perhaps make another coffee cup.

Dallas tells the camera that this is the first time he's worked with someone he's never heard sing. Oh, he's in for a treat! Kim needs the lyrics in front of her as she sings and is of course spectacularly out of tune. He has Kim listen to the recording she's just made because "part of getting better is listening to yourself." To me, it's more like rubbing the puppy's face in her own pee.

Looks like it has finally dawned on Kim that her voice sucks. Dallas is unbelievably patient and kind, but tells the camera, "Kim needs basic training before she can record a song or we're wasting everybody's time." Yes, but at least you're getting PAID for your time, Dallas.

7. Sheree has dinner at Lisa's house. If you put "hater," "real-ass" and "fake" in a bunch of different combinations, then you get the gist of this conversation.

They are obliquely referring to the NeNe and Kim situation. As Kim likes to say, "whatever."

8. NeNe has a meeting at her house to organize the Twisted Hearts Big Hat brunch. According to NeNe, everyone will wear big hats, which are a tradition in the African-American community. NeNe even has fancy hats delivered to the meeting and one of the women shouts "Do you have really big hats? I need something that can hold a lotta weave!"

Work it:

You too, girl!

God love that Gregg.

8. Sheree is at home and gets a phone call from "yet another" person who says NeNe is bad-mouthing her. Sheree says "she's a hater! Let your hater be your motivator!" and a bunch of other canned bullshit. Sheree immediately calls Kim who says that she's going to text NeNe and tell her to "stay the hell out of my life."

9. NeNe gets the eloquent text while she's driving:

I can't believe the shit you talked about me. You have no class. You are so evil! Don't ever call me again! You are a low budget bitch!

How about THAT! At least she spelled everything correctly. Kim, I hate to break it to you, but only low budget bitches call other people low budget bitches.

NeNe is more shocked than upset about this email. She calls Gregg who says "oh, it's about the song." NeNe's parting words are "we were having fun. Kim has been manipulated."

And it's over! For now. Tomorrow, Kim and Sheree get stranded on an island (I know, but that's what Bravo tells me) and NeNe finds out the result of her DNA test. Let's take bets, shall we? Tell me what you thought of the episode and who you think NeNe's dad is--Curtis or The Pretender.

Oh, as promised:

Instances in which "being real" is mentioned in this episode: At least 3 but I know that some must have slipped past me in all of the drama.

Instances in which the word "hater" is mentioned: At least 5. There was some rapid-fire hater language during the Lisa-Sheree scene and I didn't want to slow down to keep track.

See you tomorrow, my high budget bitches!

"I end up on the pole. How does that happen?"

Ah, Lisa Wu Hartwell, this is an age-old question and the subject of many essays written by Women's Studies majors all over the country.

But we're not going to go that deep. Let me tell you how one "ends up on the pole" in Lisa's case. Sheree has an idea: "Two strippers is gonna come in and show us how to work the pole" (Sheree has the most terrible grammar, btw. At first I thought she was nervous and mis-speaking, but it's just been too consistent and I can't ignore it any longer). Much drinking ensues. EVERYONE ENDS UP ON THE POLE.

Truly, this was one of the best episodes of reality tv I've seen in a long time. It's taken me so long to write this recap because I keep reliving the scenes in my head and staring off into space in wonderment. Then I think to myself, "what if writing about it destroys the magic?" It's that good. I'll take my chances--here is your Real Housewives of Atlanta recap:

1. Let's start with the Pole Party. Here is the teacher.

She brings her own pole. (The logistics of this really bogged me down for a while, but it looked stable so I just had to let it go). We see her wipe the pole down with a yellow cloth. She treats it with with respect. "In Atlanta, we pole a completely different way than the rest of the country," she says matter-of-factly. Who knew stripping had different...dialects?

She and her partner teach the women how to "shake they jelly"--shake it so much that it is but a blur.

Then there is the personal coaching. Here is Sheree, being spotted and performing such an advanced move that it looks like an Olympic event:

And maybe it should be.

Dude, she is defying gravity. She's burning her jelly on the lightbulb, yet she just sticks herself to that ceiling like she is made of...well, I could say something really gross here but shall refrain because I am a lady (hear that, Kim?). Just think of the grossest sticky thing that could be on a stripper pole. Incidentally, I showed this photo to my husband, prefaced with a "you are NOT going to believe this," and he wasn't nearly as impressed as I wanted him to be. "Yeah," he said "there's someone like that at every strip club." Do college recruiters know what a goldmine of athleticism these places are?

Sheree sums up the experience with this equation:

"(women) + (alcohol) + (a pole) = a great time. A GREAT time."

2. Kim is in the kitchen with her personal chef (seriously, how much does Kim cost you, Big Papa?). She starts to sing to the radio, and it marks the first time we hear her belt out a tune.

Naturally, she is smoking. Because of the music and the voice-overs, I couldn't hear her very well and was thinking "wait, is she really that bad? Is it that she's just not trying? How does she think she can be a singer if she can't carry a tune?" As if Kim has read my mind, she says "I always get what I want. I'm not real worried about it." I would be, especially if I was bankrolling this trainwreck. BIG PAPA, I AM TALKING TO YOU.

3. NeNe's trying to help her 9 year old with his math homework. Gregg has to intervene because NeNe is not getting the fractions, as in "is 1/3 bigger than 1/2?". I don't hold this against NeNe (which is exactly what Anderson Cooper would say), but this scene really endeared me to Gregg. He has such a stabilizing influence on NeNe.

4. DeShawn receives a Rolex from her husband for her birthday. Bravo does not tell us how much it costs. wtf? Here she is, apparently shaking the box.

DeShawn tells Eric that she's not going to wear the watch that night because it's silver and she's wearing gold. She doesn't want to "mix metals." Oh, Jesus. Stop acting so early 90s and call your stylist, DeShawn! Eric, if you buy me a Rolex (vintage, please) you can bet your sweet ass I'd wear it.

5. DeShawn has a birthday dinner with her husband, Lisa and Ed, and NeNe and Gregg. NeNe drinks a little too much and starts to get loud, but she's still lovable NeNe. She crosses the line a bit when she's rude to the waitstaff and starts talking shit about Sheree: "She's very fake. I'm for real." It's important to note that Lisa and Ed are obviously uncomfortable.

(I swear to God, I am going to start a tally for how many times being "real" is mentioned on this show. Look for it at the end of my recaps from now on.)

THEN, when dinner is finished and they all pile into the limo, NeNe starts to sing theatrically, "I'm pretending to be friends with Dallas Austin...I know he's doing a favor for my man...." So, it's clearly about Kim's (figurative) fake ass. Lisa tells the camera in disbelief, "wow, that's your friend?" DeShawn is giggling and tells the camera she was just cracking up at NeNe and didn't realize the song was about Kim (she's so dense that I actually believe her). Gregg wisely tells NeNe to shut it.

6. Kim goes to get botox, accompanied by her new bff Sheree. Here is Kim giving Sheree the bird (not blurred out) because Sheree has perfect skin (just another reason to hate the bitch):

"Black don't crack," Kim remarks. Kim states that she has been getting botox since she was 24. For migraines, of course. Would you like a closer look at Kim's Alpine hooker outfit?

She looks like she's headed to the set to film a Heidi porno.

7. The moment you've been waiting for--Kim's visit to the vocal coach, Jan, a bigwig who's trained the voices of Usher and Rob Thomas. It is quickly established that Kim can't match any sort of pitch, and worse, can't even hear that she's not matching the pitch. In essence, Kim's singing pretty much shits the bed.

"What's that have to do with recording music in the studio?" Kim asks with great seriousness. OMFG. Then she has the balls to tell the camera, "She's nit-picking me. She's telling me I don't know the ABCs of singing. I don't need to, I'm a singer." Um, I think there's some faulty logic in there, toots.

8. Next, Kim and Sheree are sitting in Kim's convertible outside of a strip mall listening to Kim's "#1 hit single" Tightrope. Kim is smoking, drinking a glass of Chardonnay (Big Papa must have suspended the open container law for her) and singing in her shit-ass voice. Sheree tells her she has the voice of an angel and Kim eats that right up, smiling modestly. Sheree then tells the camera that Kim has a "beautiful" voice. This is such a flat-out lie that there can only be one explantion: Sheree is using Kim to get into Dallas Austin's pants. And bank account.

I will leave you in suspense for the next half of the show--you'd better believe it gets even better!

Introducing the Newest Member of Team NeNe

God, I knew Anderson Cooper and I were connected on deeper level! Watch him speak of NeNe here in an interview with Ellen Degeneres.

The best part is NeNe's response, in which she talks about meeting him someday: "I'd wear a nice little top, since he's talking about my chest. I don't know if he's had any brown sugar." !!!!!! This woman lives up to my every expectation.

(Note to NeNe, I think he prefers his brown sugar with nuts, if you know what I mean.)

This week's episode was UN-believable. Stay tuned for the recap!

"I can't stand fake-ass girls"

Me too, NeNe.

Well speak of the devil! Look who it is...

Some fake-ass girls! NeNe was referring to Sheree, but I'm going to go ahead and put Kim in that category too--I wouldn't be at all surprised if her ass was indeed fake.

My friend who does marketing for Bravo told me that Atlanta's viewership is up 20% compared with that of New York's. What do you think about that? I didn't expect to like this show, but I DO. Maybe even more than New York. Crazy, I know.

Read on for the delicious trash that is The Real Housewives of Atlanta:

1. Kim and her friend Cori are at some swank brunch place. They order some "Dom" for their mimosas. While wearing sunglasses.

Kim's drunk already, or just stupid, because she asks Cori what's up with the "poison fish" on the menu. Cori has to explain to her that "poisson" is French for fish. Still wearing sunglasses.

Sheree is supposed to be at brunch, but doesn't show so Kim calls her. Turns out Sheree is sick and Kim is "really worried." Kim tells the camera that she has a nursing degree (what?) and is going to take Sheree some medicine. NeNe, who arrives late to brunch, says, "Honey, the only thing that's going to fix Sheree is a smack in the face!" Oh, wait--that's what I said. But you know NeNe wanted to say it too.

2. Next, Kim rushes to Sheree's side with some Theraflu:

Sheree invites Kim in and shows her the photo album from Sheree's birthday bash. Kim looks at the photos and remarks that Sheree is the the black version of Kim, that they look so much alike. Sheree nods emphatically. Huh? I was waiting for a burst of laughter from either one of them, but it never came.

THEN comes one of the best parts of the show, because what do we see in the photo album? Photos of NeNe and Kim being kicked out of the party. Several of them: NeNe looking outraged, Kim pointing at the guest list, Kim with the "whatever" look on her face. IN THE PHOTO ALBUM.

What the mother-loving eff? I'm imagining Sheree coming across this album when she's 80 and saying wistfully, "ah, yes...remember when I humiliated NeNe like that? Look at how furious she was! What a fond memory that is for me."

Is Kim phased by any of this? Not at all. To the contrary, she "that was when NeNe wasn't on the guest list, remember? And she couldn't come in." As if Sheree had forgotten!

To the camera, Sheree makes a nasty comment that NeNe is an unhappy person, and you'd be unhappy too if you were NeNe. Watch your back, Sheree. NeNe will not let that comment slide.

3. NeNe meets up with Dwight, her "gay boyfriend" who is also a celebrity hairstylist. He won me over with his opening line of "what's goin' on with the bitches, honey?" Here is yet another bit of free advice to Bravo: these two need to have their own show. Watch the clip here, because while I could transcribe their conversation, I could never capture Dwight's exquisite accent and mannerisms and NeNe's tone of voice and eye-rolling as she responds to him. Magical, and truly entertaining.

The gist of the conversation is that NeNe wants Dwight to help her son Brice pick out a suit. Also, Dwight predicts that DeShawn's fundraiser will be a bomb (foreshadowing...).

4. Then there's a bunch of stuff about Lisa, and I'm just going to choose to ignore her because her storyline just doesn't interest me that much. But I will say that her husband Ed is HOT.

5. Kim organizes a spa day with Cori, Sheree and NeNe. I was so relieved to hear this because Kim obviously has so much stress in her life. Really, how does she cope? Anyhow, NeNe cancels because Sheree is invited. Kim's upset and thinks NeNe is being immature. When Sheree shows up, and Kim and Sheree trade cliches while trash-talking NeNe. Went something like this: "Dont' be a hater!" "Be who you are!" "Be real!" "If you got it, you got it!"

After getting a $300 massage, Kim visits Sheree during her facial and commences getting creepy by gushing to everyone ad nauseam about how beautiful Sheree is. "She's stoopid beautiful," she tells the aesthetician. Queen Frostine, of course, eats it all up: "You're too kind, Kim," she coos.

6. I should tell you that at this point, Kim and Sheree have been talking about how DeShawn's fundraiser is going to be a joke because it's not exclusive enough and "very unprofessional."

7. Kim and Sheree have dinner together with their kids. Kim tells Sheree that her son looks like O.J. If I were Sheree, I would have said, "Oh, isn't that funny? I was just thinking that Brielle looks like Charles Manson!" But seriously--the son is a mini-Denzel. Super-cute.

Topics of conversation include haters, being real, and the burdens of being both beautiful and popular.

8. DeShawn is shown getting ready for her Diamond Gala fundraiser, which is being held at her house. She's bubbling with excitement. Foreshadowing...

9. NeNe, Dwight and Brice meet to buy Brice a custom-made conservative suit. Again, this scene defies description. What you don't see here is that Dwight is carrying a large, metallic handbag.

LOVE HIM. The "conservative" suit turns out to be a particularly bright royal blue windowpane print, which just cracks me up. There is talk of hoodlums (pronounced "who'd-lums"), drawers (as in underwear) and NeNe ends up dropping $6626.

10. Kim's shows up at DeShawn's letting us know that she's wearing a $1.5 million necklace and a D&G gown. With her tits hanging out, of course. Sheree shows up in a full-length fur and is pissed that there is no coat check. She has to send it out to her car with an assistant. Check out this bitchface:

Yikes.

Kim buys a $14,800 diamond bracelet and tells the camera that although there are tons of people there, no one is buying anything. She makes bitchy comments to her goon Cori. My notes taper off here because the next scenes were truly painful to watch.

NeNe is heading up the live auction with a local tv personality and NO ONE is bidding. Not a soul. Watching NeNe flop around up there, pained smile plastered on her face, while guests are just milling around, not even listening, was agony. I had to turn off the show when the professional athletes were standing next to NeNe, chests puffed out, waiting to be auctioned off, and there was not a bid in sight.

I had to wait a full 24 hours later before I could watch again to see that the auction was aborted. The million dollars that DeShawn wanted to raise? It only turned out to be $10,000, which didn't even cover the cost of the event. DeShawn retreats to her room in tears. Sad.

Kim, the lady that she is, is standing in the driveway smoking a cigarette as people stream out the door. She calls Big Papa: "I'm bored...I'm fucking starving, this wine is terrible, I gotta go." Minion Cori is the background punctuating Kim's call with lots of "YEAH! YEAH!" By the way, you can read more about BP's possible identity here. Verrrry interesting!

That's pretty much it. Next week promises to be espeically ugly, and I'm not just talking about Kim's singing--big blowout between NeNe and Kim. Watch out!

Thoughts?