Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion

*NOW UPDATED WITH GRATUITOUS PHOTO OF FILTHY HOT DAVE GROHL*

Let's dive right in, sexy bitches!

Topic: Hair

Everyone loves NeNe's new haircut (obv).

Sheree had some major I Dream of Beyonce hair extensions.

To my untrained eye, it actually looked like 2 very (very) separate pieces: bangs and pony. No bueno.

(btw, Sheree, the photo at the top? Don't think we didn't notice the pelvic thrust. WTF?)

While DeShawn looks pretty fantastic above, in reality she looked like she took out her hot rollers on the most humid day in Atlanta's history, empitied a can of Aquanet on herself, had some wild sex and then immediately showed up at the Bravo studios without checking a mirror.

It was big and messy, DeShawn. Just like Kim's coochie.

(omg, that had to have been the grossest thing I've ever said on this blog. I am so sorry. Couldn't be helped.)

Then, the moment we have been waiting for all season--host Andy Cohen reads to Kim the viewer question, "is it a wig?"

By now you've heard the whole cancer story (if not, watch it here), about how 3 years ago she was losing her hair and losing weight, and a doctor friend told her there was a "90% chance" she had cancer. Then Kim trails off tearfully, leading everyone to believe that she had cancer.

There is a bona fide discussion about Kim's "cancer." When Andy finally asks her point blank if she did have the big C, she goes through this whole story about how she was waiting at Chili's (!) for her test results and that she ended up not having cancer--her hair loss was related to another condition that she did "not want to discuss."

Now, I don't know about you, but my ears perked up at this. Why on earth would attention-hungry Kim decline an opportunity to talk about her tragique illness? I have an answer. Here.

Kim, I don't care whether you have/had a raging case of secondary stage syph. The whole point of everyone making fun of the wig was that if you can buy a $68k car on a whim, you can surely afford a wig that doesn't look like it was made from the clippings on the floor of the Bratz factory. As Dwight said to you during the show, "it could be so much more than it is." Amen, sister.

Topic: Is NeNe an ex-stripper?

NeNe played this beautifully. When Andy asked her this viewer question, she said "that's false, I'm still a stripper." She coyly adds that she strips every night, "around the silk plants" (love it) for Gregg.

She's totally an ex-stripper.

No one cares, NeNe.

Topic: Big Papa

Kim says that they are on-again off-again and that it was her decision to keep his identity a secret because he was married and some other blah blah blah. NeNe brings up the fact that even though she's just barely met Big Papa, Kim said in a previous episode that BP was talking shit about NeNe. NeNe proceeds to let loose a marvelous stream of trash talk and profanity that went something like this:

That's some shit you made up! Close your legs to married men. CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN. You made a comment that you'd like to beat my ass. I'd like to see that happen. I'd like to see that happen!

Kim screams something retarded like "watch, bitch! First week in January!" (when her record drops).

NeNe flies out of her chair.

Andy Cohen smiles and thinks "JACKPOT!" Lisa restrains NeNe and sits on her. NeNe screams "trashy hooker!" at Kim, but it sounds like "trashy hook-AH!"

AWESOME.

Somewhere in a CNN van, Anderson Cooper was bouncing up and down in his chair and clapping his hands giddily.

Topic: Is DeShawn Stupid?

DeShawn is pretty much mute during this show, however she did mention that she was "pursuing a master's degree..."

and I was all "I have totally misjudged--" when she added "...online." So, yes. Our original assessment was probably correct.

Topic: Is Kim a pathological liar?

Lisa and Kim start fighting about how Kim found out about NeNe's song in the limo. This part was highly edited and it's hard to tell what was going on. In any case, Lisa pretty much goes apeshit and calls Kim a pathological liar (twice!) and screams that Kim needs to be on "freaking medication." (twice!)

I'm choosing to believe that Kim is a pathological liar because, well, DUH.

Topic: Lisa's delicious husband Ed

Andy reads a viewer question from Bruce in Minneapolis who asks Lisa if he can borrow Ed and his smoking hot bod sometime. Lisa says "ewwwww! No!"

Frank and I think that "Bruce in Minneapolis" is really "Andy at Bravo." Have no shame, buddy. We all want Ed.

Topic: Dwight

Feast your eyes on this.

A red boucle jacket, long hair cascading down his back, calling himself a bigger diva than Sheree...this man is a STAR.

That's it! I didn't really touch on Sheree because it seems like everyone tacitly agreed that she's a big 'ol bitch. There's no use on calling her out on it because she embraces it. Look for She by Sheree in Fall '09.

Kim alludes to a season 2, but she's a pathological liar, so let's not get our hopes up. What did you think of the reunion?

(and bonus topic: did you see dirty sexy Dave Grohl on Top Chef tonight? Do you love him? Yes or no.)

"I'll see you outside."

Oooooooooooh! {shivers}

I am reflecting, deeply, upon the magnificence of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. A recap will be up tonight.

So let me ask you something. What is my deal with Andy Cohen?

He's staring at me, right? In his endearing, slightly cross-eyed way? I desperately want to lay my head in his lap while he strokes my hair, yet I also want him to vanish off the face of the earth. What is wrong with me?

I haven't watch the Real Housewives of OC season premiere yet. Who did? Was it a sweet soothing balm of boobs and sun-damaged skin? Speak up!

The original Amy Fisher (minus the shooting and all that)

From the New York Post:

[Kim] Zolciak, as it turns out, is no stranger to scandal. As a teenager in Windsor Locks, Conn., she had a high-profile affair with a police sergeant, John MacDougald.

According to the Hartford Courant, Zolciak was "16 or 17" when the romance began and allegedly a witness in a criminal investigation at the time...

And this too:

Zolciak's new BFF, Sheree Whitfield, knows something about the police, too: In 1989, when she was 19, Ohio native Whitfield-then known as Sheree Fuller-was arrested, twice, for theft, according to Cuyahoga County court records.

Surprise, surprise.

"Okay, so I have a crack in the foundation, well DUH, I've never had an instrument."

What?

It saddens me to tell you that I will not be doing a recap this week*. Instead, I will be doing a PSA for a very serious condition known as Real Housewives of Atlanta Poisoning (RHAP). RHAP is usually triggered by a combination of prolonged exposure to Real Housewives of Atlanta and Kim Zolciak google alerts. Symptoms include fake smiling in uncomfortable social situations,

looking like a cheap hooker at a family dinner**,

and threatening people with bodily harm when they make simple requests of you.

These signs may or may not be accompanied by extreme bitterness toward Andy Cohen.

Anyone exhibiting these symptoms is in urgent need of medical attention. As you might have guessed, I was a victim of RHAP. Luckily, I received help just in time--the emergency room staff ended up pumping my stomach and told me that I had near-fatal levels of Chardonnay, synthetic hair and French manicures in my system. Had my husband not acted quickly when I screamed "let your hater be your motivator!" in the middle of the night, I might not be here today.

I am feeling better but still have the occasional desire to hire a personal chef and create my own fashion line. The doctors say that if I continue listening to NPR and avoid Real Housewives for a week, there is a good chance that I will make a full recovery (only time will tell if I have suffered permanent damage to my brain). Please keep me in your prayers, and be on the alert for signs of this life-threatening condition in yourself and others.

Thank you, and have a spectacular weekend.

*For those of you who were unable to watch it (e.g. no dvr, you live in Jordan, you have standards, etc.) do not fret. Total snoozefest, as several of you commented in a previous post.

**Big, big props to the anonymous commenter who described this outfit as Kim's French hooker can-can dress and wondered about the "hookers around-the-world" theme she has going on.

That bitch Andy Cohen is taunting me

How fableeous does our girl NeNe look?! I seriously had to double-check to make sure that Christian was not snuggling up to Mary J. Doesn't Vicki look like she was just trying to get a photo of herself with NeNe when Christian was all "hey, fierce bitches!" and then launched himself right into their laps? I bet you Andy's mojito that Vicki is thinking "damn, he weighs a lot more than he looks."

photo from here