More Money, More Problems

UPDATED: Rachel Zoe premieres September 9.

I'm WAY behind on my reality tv watching (back off! I have to compromise a little for the sake of my marriage, okay?), but last night I was able to catch up a bit. I watched the previews for both Real Housewives of Atlanta* and The Rachel Zoe Project. Here are my impressions:

1. The Real Housewives of Atlanta left me feeling completely empty on the inside, which was strange because I have an unusually high tolerance for really shitty tv. I'm wondering if the Real Housewives concept has played out? These women seem intent on nothing but escalating the spending and drama from previous seasons, and everything--including the personalities--is just crazy over-the-top excessive. Almost all of cast members are portraying themselves as exaggerated stereotypes: there's The White Trashy Barbie-Haired Lady Who's Dating a Rich Old Geezer, The Loud Flailing Black Lady, and The Black Diva Bitch Lady. (Deep question: if this is who they really are, then is it a stereotype?) The other two women are married to professional athletes and have waaaay too much money and over-decorated houses and this hurts my eyes. For a more in-depth and witty description of them, please go here.

I'm sorry Bravo, but I may not be able to get on board with this. I'll give it my best shot, but watching this show may not be in the best interests of my Chi.

Moving on . . .

2. I LOVE RACHEL ZOE.

I know! No one is more shocked than I! I had always thought she was just an anorexic sourpuss drug addict, but that is not AT ALL the impression I had last night.

While I've seen Rachel Zoe on Project Runway and in still photos (mostly on Perez and dlisted), I've never seen her in action. She's this teensy tiny person who is loaded down with hair and sunglasses and rings and fur and flowy outfits and she's pretty effing fabulous. She's passionate about her work in a very sweet and refreshing way; she handles stress without going apeshit (are you listening, Jeff Lewis?), and she has wrinkles (just like me!) (but they don't look bad on her because she's so freaking awesome). For the record, I am concerned about her weight and I reserve the right to counsel her on that.

I am jumpy with excitement for this show; stay tuned for a heads-up on when it airs.

Let's hear it: did you watch the preview shows? ( I know they aired about a month ago! Jesus!) What did you think?

*There's no mention of this show on Bravo's website, and my secret source tells me that it's because the show has been pushed back to October.

The battle of the jumpsuits!

Who would have guessed that ass-tastic Kim Kardashian and the arrogant Countess from Real Housewives of NYC have the same taste in clothing?! Here they are, in the same Stella McCartney jumpsuit at two separate events. So, I shall ask the age-old Us Weekly question, who wore it better? Is the answer as obvious as as I think it is?

Speaking of bony chests vs. boner-inducing chests, I think we all need to band together and nominate this J Crew model to be on Intervention.

Seriously, how is she not buckling under the weight of her clothes? Gross. Shame on you, J Crew.

"Yes, I'm still an a-hole, but . . . I think I'm a likable, maybe even loveable a-hole."

Jeff Lewis, I swear to God, you were looking DIRECTLY AT ME when you made this statement. It's okay to admit it, honey. You are likable and lovable, and I'd like to think that it is because of the guidance and unconditional love that I've given you over the internet this season. It's truly been so rewarding for me.

Everyone! (brisk clap clap) Listen up. The Flipping Out Season 2 reunion was the best fucking reunion show ever in the history of the world. If you haven't watched it, then I strongly urge you to drop everything right now and do so. If you didn't dvr it or don't have cable, well then you need to come over to my house immediately. If you are too far away, or you don't want to hear me squealing and clapping the whole time, then email me and I will somehow make a bootleg for you. IT'S THAT GOOD.

Even though this recap will not do the show justice, I'm going to do it anyway, just so we can relive the whole magical experience together.

1. It's just Jeff and Andy Cohen at the outset and Andy's talking about how most people think Jeff's a "little bit of a bastard" this season more than last season. Jeff's shocked and says that he thinks he's "less of an a-hole." I agree! Then Jeff says the "I'm a likable a-hole" quote and I am delighted to no end to hear the word "a-hole" come from those plump lips (to be clear, he did not say asshole, he said a-hole. LOVE).

2. Andy asks him about his "beauty regimen." Jeff says that people compare him to American Psycho (I can see that) but that he is no longer obsessed with his looks. He's "working on letting go" and says he hasn't had Botox in 12 months. DUDE, he's totally in a twelve-step program for Botox addiction!

FYI, Jeff looks as handsome as ever.

So what does Jeff do to maintain his looks? He works out and he "manscapes." He says that he attracts better people when he doesn't fuss so much about his looks. Then he says "it's not just the people who are transitioning who are attracted to me," and while I was all "what the fuck does that mean?" Andy almost tips over in his chair! He was in a chair and tipping back and he comes close to cracking his head open. Pretty awesome.

3. MAJOR BIG UPS to Andy for following up with "how extensive is your manscaping?" and there is DEFINITE flirtation here. At this point, everyone who's watching cannot stop thinking (fantasizing) about Jeff's pubic area, but instead he talks about his armpit hair and how he likes to keep it short. Jeff almost "goes there" but stops himself. Dammit!

4. Andy says that a viewer emailed and described Jeff as the best looking man on tv. Does Jeff agree? "Yes," he answers without skipping a beat. "Who's your competition?" Andy asks. Jeff thinks for a moment. "No one--I'm just so far ahead." This is why you need to watch this show with your own eyes; the man is a comedic genius!

Andy asks whether Jeff is still on anti-depressants. Jeff reports that no, he isn't, "just the occasional Viagra and that's it." HA! Of course, after this comment Jeff has to admit for the first time in his life, "I'm kidding!" I knew you were kidding, Jeff, because why would you need Viagra when you're getting a boner from all of the sexy talk and tension with Andy!?

5. Andy's asking Jeff a question and Jeff starts putting something on his lips. Once again, Andy stops and says "what's happening with the lipstick?" Jeff flirts back, "it's not lipstick, it's Chapstick." IT IS ALL DELICIOUSLY SEXUAL.

6. Jenni comes on and I think she has lipgloss on her teeth? I wish someone would have told her. Anyhow, blah blah blah about the deal with Chris Elwood. Nothing new, but Jenni looks fabulous and Chris Elwood will never get another girl that hott (or funny and smart).

Photo via More Ways to Waste Time

Another precious moment: Jeff says "Jeff from Los Angeles" (he's making fun of Andy's viewer questions) "would like to know, now that you've taken time out . . . were you happy [in the marriage]?" Jenni doesn't really answer, and Jeff says, "I'll interview you!" Jenni looks skeptical and says "no, we need Andy because he won't start terrorizing me two questions from now." Score one for Jenni!

Jeff goes on to say that as "emotionally limited" (!!!) as he is, he's really tried to be there for Jenni. Jenni asks for a hug. Jeff squirms and tries to get out of it, but they HUG and he is truly a gifted hugger. Who knew? It was intimate and firm and warm--just like I'd imagine his butt to be. What? Oh yeah. Then comes the best part of the show, when Jeff is mid-hug and mutters "I'm gonna get an erection." Jenni yanks herself away with an "ewwwwww," but everyone is cracking up.

You will not want to make jokes when you hug me, Jeff Lewis. No sir. You will want to hug me for hours on end, so restorative are my embraces. (And p.s., don't worry about erections; I will be totally professional about it).

7. Andy (or some viewer) asks whether Jenni's "gay husband" relationship with Jeff will hurt her chances at getting a new man. Jeff interjects, "I try not to cockblock when we go out." OMFG! Cockblock is secretly my favorite word ever, and to hear it out of Jeff's mouth makes me weak in the knees.

8. Andy asks if Jeff is dating, and Jeff says yes. Anyone in particular? Jeff doesn't answer but says coquettishly, "I'm dating." They SO want each other! Jenni's not dating at all. She's still hurting, my darlings. SGM can see it.

9. Jeff requests that Jenni do her famous Bob Saget rap. She does, and Jeff is amused. Andy asks if she's met Julia Louis Dreyfus, and she says no but that she considers it a compliment to be told that she resembles her. Jeff remarks that he's been told he looks like Lisa Rinna and Priscilla Presley. AWESOME.

10. Zoila joins Jeff and Jenni. Watch the best parts here. Jeff's been teaching her about Tila Tequila and "My Milkshakes Bring All the Boys to the Yard." There's also a really funny part where Andy asks if she's getting recognized and then Zoila goes into big-time flirtation mode with him. Andy must have been putting out some major pheromones that day!

11. Before Ryan comes on, a new clip from Ryan's party is shown--Jeff is getting OWNED by Ryan's assistant Christiane in Quarters and he is full-on drunk. Jeff Lewis out of control? Beautiful.

12. Ryan's on. Andy asks which celeb's house they'd like to renovate. Jeff whispers to Ryan, and then shyly admits that it's Kathy Griffin's. He and Kathy have "recently become friends," he adds. I approve, Jeff! I love the idea of a friendship with Kathy.

13. There is this whole big thing about RYAN'S HAIR and how awful it was this season.

Ryan talks about how when he cut it, everyone said "whew, I'm so glad you cut your hair--it looked terrible!" Ryan complained that no one told him how bad it was when he actually had the bad hairstyle (WRONG, by the way--I did). Andy gets a zinger in when he asks Ryan if that's what happened when Ryan broke up with Jeff. The ever-tactful Ryan laughs and says he's blocked that period out.

14. CHLOE'S BIOLOGICAL DAD--I know that many of you have asked about this, and Andy addressed it. Turns out that Ryan and his partner both contributed sperm to the surrogate ("a sperm cocktail," so to speak), so it could be either one of them. Both dads are listed on the birth certificate. (but Ryan knows! I could tell from his face.)

15. The "bad baby" scene is discussed and Ryan put an end to that game after Chloe started playing "bad baby" at a restaurant. I warned you, Ryan! Ryan, in defense of Jeff, did say that the cameras did not show Chloe laughing hysterically when Jeff threw the baby down. Jeff's new trick for Chloe is to have her lift up her shirt and say "girls gone wild!" As a parent, I do not approve, but as a person with a sick sense of humor, I think that's really fucking funny.

16. Andy asks Jeff about whether he would consider having children. Someday, he says. Ryan says he'd make a great father. Anyone out there want to be his surrogate? Anon?

17. Jeff and Ryan are asked if they would ever take jobs in other cities. They both say yes. Jeff, you'd better pray that I never win the lottery because I will make you my renovation SLAVE.

18. This is SO LONG, and I'm sorry.

19. Jeff reports that Jett's still around. He says that it's so amazing how Jett completes everything on the list with time to spare and with no complaints. For the record, I don't believe a word of it; it's just a dig at Chris K who's not there to defend himself.

Jeff talks about how Zoila sexually harasses Jett with innuendo. Jeff calls her a "Nicaraguan cougar." Sweet Jesus!

The End.

It was truly wonderful, so for the love of God, please watch it and then come back to gossip. Thank you for loving this show with me!

UPDATE ON THE ZOILA PORTRAIT AUCTION: Current bid is $2550. The auction ends next Tuesday, so there's plenty of time for all of us to earn a couple extra Gs and buy that thing. Come on, do it!

You're alright in my book, Andy Cohen

Andy Cohen hosts all of the Bravo reunions as of late. I've never been terribly impressed with him; he's not quick on his feet, he's too ingratiating and just kind of . . . meh. Of course, my feelings could be influenced by the fact that I want his job. My reunion shows would be bloodbaths! I'd be all "sit your ass DOWN, Ramoner" and "Jeff, chill the fuck out, brother!" Well, maybe not. They both scare the bejeezus out of me. I'd probably run off the set crying before they even had a chance to speak.

Anyway, I recently ran across Andy Cohen's coming out story, and it was so endearing that I've changed my mind about him. It's in two parts, but you only really need to watch the first one.* Then comment about your favorite part, would you? I need to talk about this with someone!

Ryan Brown also has a coming out video (a good one, but we already know that Ryan's emotionally healthy and naturally, his parents are too) and there's one from Tim Gunn (holla at your boy) that's worth watching.

Don't you DARE forget that the Flipping Out reunion is tonight, as well as the Zoila portrait auction. See you tomorrow, when we will pick it all apart together!

*Warning--I couldn't watch this in Firefox, so you might need to open Explorer for this (which is a HUGE pain in the ass, I know, but just do it). Reader-users, click on through!

The One and Only Chris Keslar

Remember when I offered Chris Keslar from Flipping Out some free life coaching? He took me up on it, and after a brief consultation, I determined that it would be more appropriate for him to be my life coach. Seriously, I can't say enough good things about Chris--he's intelligent, funny, incredibly gracious and unpretentious. And of course, HEL-LO on the style. Yes, my head is way up his ass, but I'm trying to tell you that he deserves it. Wait. That came out a little weird. What I'm trying to say is that he is worthy, oh so worthy, of the love we have been giving him this season.

He kindly agreed to answer some ridiculously shallow (and one or two serious) questions for me. Be prepared to like him even more.

Let's get down to business. I know you watch Real Housewives. Are you partial to East Coast or West? Who do you love to hate--or love to love?

Ooooh, this is a tough one. Being from the East Coast, I'm gonna have to go with my New York gals. 'The Real Housewives of New York City' is such a fascinating study in the hierarchy of class structure. The Orange County women are all pretty much in the same place in terms of their station in their community. Whereas, The NYC women are all at different echelons within New York society, albeit small ones. I think seeing them trying to navigate their different stations is what is so fun - they all call each other out for trying to step out of their stations. Hands down, I am most intrigued by Jena's life and storyline out of the OC housewives (although I do love me some Vicki). Her life and what she's accomplished is pretty impressive. I love how nothing seems to really emotionally affect her, but you know, down deep, there's a lot going on. Out of the New York ladies, I would LOVE to get to know Jill. I just love her interactions with Allie and how much she cares for her family. Her big heart and willingness to help anyone totally endear her to me. You just know that no matter what you're doing with Jill, you're gonna have a good ass time.

You are the nattiest dresser on tv. What do you splurge on? What do you scrimp on? Favorite place to shop?

SGM, it's questions like these that make all the boys love you so! Believe it or not, I'm not a big splurger when it comes to clothes. I grew up the youngest of three kids in a single parent home, so it's always been about the bargains! Shopping for me is about the hunt - finding that perfect piece and getting a deal on it. That's the high for me. It's hard to pay full price when I know it will go down significantly in three weeks.

Having said that, when splurges happen ('cuz let's get real - I'm a gay living in West Hollywood - my resistance to splurging is bound to break down) they usually revolve around accessories. I'm a firm believer that everyone should own an expensive pair of sunglasses. I'm sure there are those of you out there muttering to yourself, "But, I always lose them or break them!" Trust me, when you shell out $300+ bucks for sunglasses - Bitch, you're gonna take care of them! I won't hesitate to splurge on an item if I know it will become a wardrobe staple, like a watch or a one of a kind ring. Oh, and a good cologne knows no price limit. I think a distinctive scent is very essential. I am currently in love with this Sandalwood scent from Geo F. Trumper. Amaaaaazing.

My favorite place to shop, if I had to pick one place, would be J. Crew. It has the best selection of basics for guys. I think any person's wardrobe, male or female, should be about the basics. J. Crew caters to the East Coast boy in me without breaking the bank.

Are you continuing to pursue a career in real estate and/or design?

I'm still mulling this one over. Right after I left Jeff's, I applied to Parsons for their Associates Program in Interior Design. I was granted admission, but have deferred until the spring to make sure that it is something that I really want to invest the money in. This summer, I've been working as a set decorator on a short film. Pretty much like home staging, just on set! Since the show has aired, I've had interest from some designers in having me work for them, but I'm still exploring those options.

Who are your favorite interior designers?

Shelton, Mindel & Associates

They blend classic and modern elements seamlessly. I'd die to live in a home designed by them. (They also did the international headquarters for Polo/Ralph Lauren. Un-freaking-believable.)

Francis Fleetwood.

His style is out of this world and really appeals to the East Coaster in me. This room personifies everything I could ever want in a living room:

If any woman could turn Jeff straight, do you think it would be me?

Does this question even warrant a response? Of course the feminine wiles of the one and only Ms. SGM would turn the Lewis straight! Who can resist her charms, I ask you? WHO?

We know your sister Angela (and your sweet mama Darlene) from Project Runway. Are you watching this season? Who do you like?

I'm totally watching this season like the good little Bravo addict that I am. The first thing that kinda shocked me this season is how young the majority of the designers are. Why are most of them in their 20's? It seems like Bravo is trying to skew younger which makes me wary (did you hear that they're casting for some 'Laguna Beach' type show in the OC? Yikes!)

Anyways, to be successful on Project Runway, I think the contestants need to have that mix of real talent and personality that can carry them through - they have to be watchable and interesting. For that reason, I really like Kenley this season. So far, her work has been sharp, clean and classic. And judging from last week when she won, girl isn't afraid to take a chance! Plus, she puts herself together exceptionally well - her updated pin-up girl look works for her and it sticks in your head. I also like Kelli and was really sad to see Wesley go. Judging by his personal style, he is obviously a great designer.

TV shows that you watch?

Real TV: Swingtown (best show on TV), Gossip Girl, Weeds, The L Word, 30 Rock, The Office, Tell Me You Love Me, Entourage, Anderson Cooper 360, Larry King Live.

Reality TV: America's Next Top Model (a master class in reality television), Legally Blonde: The Search for the Next Elle Woods, Amazing Race, The Biggest Loser, Housewives, Runway, Workout (confession: I just couldn't get through Season 3 ... oy!) Top Chef, American Idol (although I don't think I can get through another season), The Real World (I can't believe I just admitted that) and Date My Ex: Jo and Slade (Psych! Even I have standards!)

When you picked up Jeff's 140 degree lattes, what did you get for yourself?

First of all, the workers at the Starbucks we went to in Los Feliz were SAINTS. Here's how the order went down everyday, regardless of who was at the counter:

ME: Hi! I'd like a grande, non-fat, no foam latte at 140 degrees for Jeff. And could you please write Jeff on the cup? And make sure there's no foam on it. Thanks. Next, I'd like a grande non-fat, no foam latte, normal temperature for Jenni. And could you write her name on the cup? Thanks! And for me, I'd like a venti, non-fat, no foam latte. Normal temp is fine.

BARISTA: Your name?

ME: My name is Chris. Thanks!

Somedays, there would be variations to the order. For instance, sometimes Jenni would only get a tall latte. Or sometimes she would get a non-fat, no foam, green tea latte with only two pumps of melon syrup. And some days, Zoila would get a breakfast sandwich. But, we usually kept that secret from Jeff. ;)

Any parting words about your Flipping Out experience?

I still miss Oliver a whole heck of a lot. Best. Dang. Dog. Ever.

I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to work for Jeff and to see the inner workings of his world and of his business. I have no regrets and will always look back on that period of my life with fondness. Like I said in my blog, I started with a smile and ended with a smile.

It's ALL good.

________________

Indeed it is. Thank you, Chris. You can read more about his Flipping Out experience here.

(So, how about that coffee order?! Who knew Jeff was so opposed to foam? And the incisive sociological breakdown of Real Housewives? Let's discuss!)