The crown jewel of your art collection

Big news, Team Zoila! The infamous portrait is going to be auctioned off at bravoshop.com and Zoila will receive all of the proceeds. Bidding starts on Tuesday at 9pm eastern, so get your clickers ready. Note to the artist: I think you should have prints made. Or wallpaper! Commemorative plates! You'd be rich.

If this painting doesn't fit your budget, check out the "Don't bite me, Jeff" and "no onions no onions" t-shirts, also available at bravoshop.com on Tuesday.

Here's a clip from the reunion, which happens to take place at Ryan's. Check out: Z's glam lipgloss, her desire for a sexy portrait, and Jeff's gauntness (he needs to eat more guacamole). Seriously, Jeff! I am concerned.

xoxo, hookers! Behave yourselves this weekend.

"I really think you're awful"

AWFUL HOT! Woooo! Just kidding. The quote above is from Linda, Jeff's realtor, who calls him on his shitty behavior. Guess what? Jeff backs down! Fascinating. There are definitely some mother issues here.

I've been dragging my feet with this recap. I hate to see it all end! Here is Part II of the season finale of Flipping Out.

1. Jenni and Ryan are at Jeff's talking about interview questions for the new assistant. "We need someone who's insensitive," he tells Jenni and asks if she put that on the Craigslist ad. Wouldn't you have loved to read that ad? "Wanted: insensitive masochist who will steal avocados, take the bus and torture workers at Starbucks with insane latte orders. Normal people need not apply."

Back to the meeting--Ryan tells Jeff "what we in our weird jacked-up world think is funny because we've been around you so long, most people don't find funny. They find it really offensive. Here's a good question [for the interview]: 'do you mind being verbally abused?'"

Then Jeff pipes up, "and degraded."

Ha ha . . . oh wait. He's being serious. Then Jenni brings up another interview question: "when you're right, is it okay if you're still wrong?"

Then Ryan tells the camera what we have known for quite some time: "I really honestly believe that no one will ever be able to do the job that Jeff wants them to do. Unless they have had a lobotomy and are completely numb." I wonder what led him to that conclusion? Maybe the emotionally bloodied and beaten assistants left in Jeff's wake? Jesus.

2. Encino. It's all finished and everyone is thrilled with the results. We are given a before and after tour of Lorie's house (she did get her crown molding after all) and . . . DROOL. The colors! That awning! THE KITCHEN. Lorie, you are so lucky! Lucky lady lucky lady! Jeff and Lorie are in Erin's pink bathroom, and Jeff confirms "she's happy?" He really had his cage rattled by that kid. I think maybe she should be his new assistant.

Jeff and Lorie are in a bedroom discussing details and Lorie pulls out a picture of her twins. "You want to see something cute even though you don't like them? This is their first day on earth. Come on," she coos. Jeff is clearly uncomfortable and and says "okay, let's stay focussed and start talking about the house."

"Just say they're cute," insists Lorie.

"They're really cute. You have really cute kids," he says quickly as he walks out of the room. But he has a little smile on his face. He loves Lorie. Jeff tells the camera that he didn't make a ton of money off of this project, but if he could find more clients like her, he'd do more remodels. Aw!

Then we see Jeff sitting in Lorie's family room shoving Goldfish into his maw while he does some paperwork. "Make yourself at home,"she says to him in a sarcastic voice and he stops mid-shove. Jenni says, "did he ask you if he could eat those?"

"No," Lorie replies. Jeff shrugs and resumes chewing. Lorie, I think you've found your Bravo gay husband! I'm gonna miss you, girl.

3. A person named Jett interviews for the house manager position. You can see it here, so I'll just hit the high points. First Jeff asks how old Jett is. Jeff, that IS an illegal question. Looks like Jett already has grounds for a lawsuit and he hasn't even been hired yet. Cool.

Jeff tells the camera that his assistants, "first and foremost . . . must be attractive." I'm not so sure that's a joke, which is fine by me. I like a little eye candy with my reality tv. Jeff explains to Jett that he is VERY VERY VERY particular. Yes, he did use three "very"s. I think maybe one hundred (thousand) would have been more accurate.

When Jett says "I'm really laid back, I'm up for anything," you can see the evil little wheels turning in Jeff's head. I swear to God he was envisioning Jett coming to work like this:

But I was wrong. Jeff was just thinking about the time that someone had to wipe the dog's privates with "feminine wipes" and would Jett have a problem with that?

Jett is ultimately hired and Jeff calls Zoila out to meet him. Did anyone understand what she said to him? I caught "very handsome" and that's about it. Jenni lovingly scolds her with "Zoila, inappropriate!" Inappropriate? Bitch, please. Everything that came out of Jeff's mouth during this interview was either illegal or wildly insane. A little inappropriateness was a welcome change.

I'm just going to cut to the chase and give you my opinion. Jett looks too relaxed and slow-witted for the likes of Jeff Lewis' office. I would bet my tv that he's doesn't last through the first week and that we will never see him again save for gay partyline ads in the back of The Onion. Agree or disagree?

4. Jeff's Edgement offer has been accepted and the inspection is taking place. The inspector tells Jeff that there are safety concerns in one of the bedrooms and Jeff says--deadpan--"I was just going to put my housekeeper down there." The inspector gives a nervous laugh and says, "no problem then. You don't have to worry." He might not have thought it was funny, but I did, Jeff.

There are some things that need to be fixed but nothing major. Jeff asks his realtor Linda what kind of credit he can get for the repairs. "Nothing," she replies, because the owners gave him such a generous discount--$100,000 off the asking price. Jeff begs her for "just a little something; I give you so much repeat business" (that's what she said). Linda says that it's not that she's saying no, it's that asking for a credit will piss off the sellers. All of us (except Jeff) get the message that asking for a credit will almost certainly blow the deal.

5. Guess what? Jeff asks for a credit, apparently behind Linda's back. He gets a phone message from Boni that Linda is beyond angry. Turns out Linda had another buyer but persuaded the seller to go with Jeff (even though his offer was lower) because his financing was set. Part of this deal was that Jeff would pay $1 million for the house "as is." Oh yeah . . . Jeff vaguely remembers this part.

Jeff calls Linda and tries to charm her but she's not having it. She rips him a new one ("I really think you're awful" is part of it) and he feels shame! And fear. (mother issues). Jeff immediately retreats and tells her he doesn't want a credit now. By the way, the credit was $5000. He risked a big fantastic $1,000,000 bargain and his relationship with his motherly broker over a measly $5000! You always have to see how far you can push it, eh Jeff? Disgusting.

Then Jeff has to talk all big and try to save face when he says to the camera "I could have pushed the credit but I didn't want to." You are so full of shit, mister. Linda scared and guilted the crap out of you, that's why you changed your mind.

6. We meet Jeff's younger brother, Todd, who looks very normal. Todd is marrying Carrie, who is yet another one of Jeff's realtors (I think she's partners with Boni and Linda). Jeff tells the camera, "it's not just me who crosses boundaries, it's my entire family." I don't doubt it, Jeff, but in this situation you are once again full of the caca because Carrie became your agent only after she was dating your brother. YOU are still the master boundary crosser, my friend!

Jeff tours the house that Todd and Carrie have just purchased and are planning to remodel. Jeff instantly starts getting controlling and bitchy. He wants his brother to get rid of some shutter doors and the brother says no, that he likes the doors. Jeff's all "where's the screwdriver?" and gets a little aggressive about it. I thought they were going to start wrestling right then and there.

Jeff talks about how Todd has more "balance" than he does (duh) and did not inherit the mental issues that Jeff did. Thank God.

Todd and Carrie have a remodel budget of $100k and Carrie suggests that Jeff oversee it as a wedding present. "Not with that crappy budget," he says. What a bitch! To the camera, he conveniently invokes his "boundaries" and says that he can't work for his little brother and his real estate agent.

7. Jeff, Ryan and Jenni are in Jeff's office discussing Jeff's need for temporary housing. Ryan suggests that Jeff stay at The Standard. There is some cryptic talk about what happened last time, and Jenni warns, "Zoila would be ordering late night room service."

"Yeah. And cervezas," Jeff adds. If laughing at this is wrong, then I don't have the slightest desire to be right. Ryan brings up the idea of renting a house in Malibu and "even though renting is against my religion," Jeff likes it. Why? Because the ocean will help him relax and entertain and achieve "balance."

Oops, excuse that unlady-like snorting noise that I just made.

8. Jeff and Ryan reduce Valley Oak's price to $3 million. They had an offer of $2.75 but they turned it down. As we know now, that turned out to be a bad idea, as the price was eventually hacked down to $2,595,000. Ryan admits it's all a gamble. Jeff admits that he needs a good spanking. Just kidding on that last part. But he does.

9. Jeff, Ryan and Jenni go to see a rental in Malibu.

Jeff loves it. He wants it. His dry husk of a heart is set on it. Then the agent says, "Oh yeah, no dogs." Without any hesitation, Jeff says "I don't have any pets. I'd like to get a pet someday. Just not responsible."

Jeff, might I remind you that you are the star of a national tv show and famous for being freakishly overprotective of your pets? I hope you lose your deposit, buddy. Every single cent. But before you do, I'd like to be invited out to your beach house. You know, to make up for not being invited to Ryan's party? I thought up a new drinking game: we watch re-runs of Flipping Out and drink every time a tiny alligator appears on the screen. Hmm. Nevermind. That would send us all to the hospital before the end of the first show. Ah, well. I'm not worried; I'm sure you'll think of some cruel jokes to keep me entertained. Hope you don't mind me eating Cheetos on your white couch. Can't wait!

As Jeff seals the Malibu deal, there's all of this upbeat music. Jeff is talking about how Malibu will help him chill, how he feels so good about the future . . . then Bravo puts in a big "screeeeeeeech" as Jeff is driving home and has a big effing meltdown over some papers that Jenni didn't deliver. Sonofabitch. So much for a happy ending.

Season 2 of Flipping Out is history, but don't forget the reunion show next week. Do you think everyone will be there? Will Jeff wear his sunglasses (please oh please)? Will there be a fistfight? We'll have to tune in to find out.

Oh, and I know that this blog is one big (unpaid) commercial for Bravo, but will you take some time out to watch Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List? Tonight I watched her emcee a super-fancy benefit and call all these old rich people "cheap fuckers." Truly spectacular.

That is all. Thanks for sharing your Flipping Out love with me!

"You bitches watch out!"

Indeed they should! I'm not going to lie--it made me a little giddy to hear Jeff utter these words in jest during a wild party at Ryan's. He can be so relaxed and fun-loving! I think that he should consider being drunk on tequila all the time.

The season finale of Flipping Out was bittersweet, wasn't it? Jeff Lewis embodies the cliche "one step forward, two steps back." Yet we continue to adore him. Here's Part I of your recap.

1. At still-on-the-market Valley Oak, Jeff finds "poopy toilet paper" in the deer pasture, aka the back yard. Because Jeff no longer has a whipping boy, he has to pick it up himself.

If there is any justice in the world, Chris Keslar and Chris Elwood were somewhere giving each other high-fives and laughing uproariously as they hit rewind and play over and over again.

Apparently, this isn't the first time that someone has used Jeff's yard as a toilet. Jeff thinks someone on his crew is trying to get to him. The behavior, he says is not "passive-aggressive, it's aggressive-aggressive." I like that new phrase! I'm surprised Jeff didn't call 911 or at least save the tp and send it in for DNA analysis. Wouldn't that have people shaking in their boots?! Jenni points out the pieces that he's missed and tells the camera "people love to poop on Jeff Lewis' property." Hmmm, I wonder why. The scene closes with a straight-faced Jeff saying, "that's the only movement that's occurred at Valley Oak recently." Did Jeff Lewis just make a poop joke? Awesome.

2. Encino! Jeff is stressed out because Lorie and the formidable Erin move in in 3 days and the house is not finished. Lorie's totally thrilled with her house and doesn't care at all that it's not quite done. She's bubbling over with excitement as she tells Jeff "I love my house!" Jeff responds with a distracted "okay." I wonder what would have happened if Lorie would have just walked over and started to rub his shoulders right then? I bet he would have jerked away all nasty-like. Lorie would have never done something creepy like that (don't you HATE spontaneous shoulder rubs from people with whom you are not close?), but I just wanted to illustrate the level of Jeff's stress.

Jeff is bossing Jenni around and basically treating both her and Lorie like 5 year olds. He asks Jenni to write down where baseboards are missing in the house, and when he catches Lorie and Jenni chit-chatting, he says in a parental I'm-going-to-lose-it-in-about-one-minute voice, "Sorry, Lorie. I need everyone to work. Please don't distract [Jenni] because she's easily distracted. Thank you. I really appreciate your cooperation today."

Do you know what I would have done had I been Lorie? I would have crossed my eyes and grunted "huh?" And then when he walked away in disgust, I would have smacked him on the ass. Hard! Oh, how I long to do that. But Lorie has much more dignity than I and she left. Jenni sassed back a little and luckily, Jeff didn't put her in time-out.

3. Jeff reports that Commonwealth sold after a week in the hot pocket. He considers it a "personal victory," and I am confused. Its full price was $1,795,000 and he sold it for $1,595,000. What was all that bullshit talk last week about not accepting anything less than full price at this point, when the listing hadn't even been introduced to the full market? What the hell, Jeff? Whatever. He still made a tidy $275k profit.

Jeff is ebullient over the sale and talks about how this will be a "transitional year." To be honest, I have no idea what he means by this. Hopefully he will be transitioning into a person who can order a gd latte without specifying a gd temperature.

4. THEN! Jeff shows us and the rest of the world just how big his balls are, and they are HUGE. Oh no, not literally! Are you okay? I didn't mean to scare you. Since the sale of Commonwealth, Jeff needs a new place to stay. So he asks Ryan if he can move in with Ryan, Dale and Chloe for a couple of weeks. Ryan thinks he's kidding, but no! Jeff is seriously asking ex-boyfriend Ryan if he, along with his housekeeper and 5 pets, can move in with Ryan's family. See what I mean about the big balls?

Jeff tells the camera that he is aware that Dale is allergic to cats, but asks if Dale can't take Zyrtec or something. "I don't see why he couldn't go on medication for the brief time I'm there," Jeff says. Oh for the love of God, why can't you go on medication that will make you act like a normal person?

Ryan, how long were you with Jeff? I mean, he's gorgeous and all, but he's clearly not right in the head.

Jeff doesn't care a bit about inconveniencing Ryan and his partner Dale. He just wants to save a little money: "Why make a $10,000 house payment when I could live with Ryan for free?" Pause. "And Dale's a good cook." Jeff, I have to say, you may have the emotional IQ of a squirrel, but you do know how to bust out a decent joke.

5. Jeff looks at Edgemont, a property he is considering buying as a flip with his cash from Commonwealth. It's listed at $1.1 million, which is an important fact for later. He likes it, and likes that it is immaculate. As Jenni told the camera, "we were joking that [the owners] were Jeff's long lost parents."

BRIEF SIDE NOTE: Has anyone watched the douche extravaganza that is Million Dollar Listing? I saw about 5 minutes of it and would love for that shitbag Chad (who appears to be 12 years old and has some sort of retarded comb-forward hairstyle)

to work with Jeff just once. Jeff would eat his fucking LUNCH, you know? And I would giggle and clap like a small child.

Jeff offers $1 million for Edgemont, stating that even at $1.1, it's a great value.

6. Move in day at Encino! Jeff is still stressed. While not completely finished, the house is AMAZING. In every single way. Incredibly beautiful, and why don't I have $200,000 and some change so that I can hire Jeff to fly out and remodel my suburban home while we banter? Sigh.

Jenni says, "Lorie is our favorite client. She is our only client." Lorie, I like you without qualification. If you lived in Denver, I think we would be pals. I think that we would do things like call Jeff (pressing *67 first, of course) and hiss "I'm pooping in your pasture right now!" Then we'd hang up and laugh so hard that the Chardonnay would shoot straight out of our noses.

Back to the move-in. Jeff is wearing a white tee and is a little scruffy. Trust me, it was sexy. Mario, Jeff's long-time mover, starts giving Jeff a little lip and Jeff goes apeshit. In all fairness to Jeff, Mario was being pretty disrespectful. When he starts mouthing off to Jeff, Lorie has to stifle her laughter. Me too, except for the stifling part. In a fit of anger, Jeff tells Mario that Mario will never work with Jeff or Brown Design again, which I would imagine was probably a pretty decent gig.

Jeff then proceeds to give Mario the kiss of death as he says to the following to the camera:

I will never work with Mario again. I will go out of my way to make sure that people hire another moving company after what he did. I mean, I'm not going to go out of my way. I'm not going to place like, billboards on Sunset because I checked into that and it was like 25 grand. But anyone that I've referred him before, I will make sure they get a text, email and a follow up voicemail to never use them again.

Now that's a blackballing! Better start packing your bags, Mario. C'est fini!

7. I'm going to ask you to use your imagination for this next scene. Picture . . . a fraternity house on an early Friday evening in May. The classic drinking game of quarters is being played, and some nice but hammered girl from the sorority next door is rubbing the quarters on her nipples while some dude gleefully yells "lucky lady, lucky lady!" at the top of his lungs. Outside, people are drunkenly doing stupid and dangerous stunts to get attention, and the housemother looks on benignly, knowing that she is powerless to stop any of it. One the lawn, the house asshole and master hazer is playing a rough game of frisbee with the house dog.

Got that image? Now pretend that said fraternity house is a million dollar GORGEOUS home that was professionally designed using nothing but the best materials. Picture the nice but wasted girl as Jenni and the "lucky lady lucky lady!" guy as Ryan. The powerless housemother is Zoila, and you guessed it--the house asshole is Jeff. Instead of playing fetch with a frisbee, he is throwing a baby doll and shouting to the dog "go get Susie's head!" Now you have a perfect description of the party that Ryan hosted for Jeff Lewis and Brown Design employees.

Seriously, it looked like a wicked awesome time. Wish I would have been invited. Oh well, it's probably for the best. After a couple of drinks, I probably would have gotten a little "aggressive-aggressive" with Jeff and neither one of us needs a sex tape scandal right now.

Tune in tomorrow for Part II, when Ryan reveals a major truth about Jeff and we meet Jeff's younger brother. See you then!

"Zoila, stop flirting"

There are about 5,000 smile-inducing sentences in this clip. As you watch it, some questions to ponder: Is the new assistant going to last more than 2 days? Does he kind of remind you of this guy? Is he going to kiss Jeff or Zoila first? Does the name Jett doom a person to douchebaggery? Have at it:

If you want to see the infamous "Bad Baby" scene from last week, please send small children out of the room before clicking here.

(if you're viewing this through a reader, click on through to watch the vid)

Someone deprogram her already!

Katie, pre-Tom (2004):

Katie (Kate) now:

Granted, she was on the red carpet in that first picture, but still. Yikes.