Gold lamé bikinis for children

Who knew?

Oh, how I love Teresa.

photo from here.

An Andy Cohen Love Fest!

Our darling Andy Cohen has been having a tough time over at his blog lately. In a nutshell, he's getting insulting emails from a humorless asshole (here and here). Because he's sweet Andy, he is trying to answer this person and give her a forum when really she just deserves a big FUCK OFF and a tap of the delete button. Also, it appears that Gloria (Jill's mom) chewed him out. I can tell he's feeling a little down about it all.

This man, as a senior vice president of Bravo, has brought us the Real Housewives series. Are we going to sit by and watch him suffer? NO. Andy needs a group hug from all of us. Let's kick off Memorial Day weekend by leaving your message of support to him in the comments. I will start.

Andy,

You are a good person. Ignore the fertilizer that other people are giving you. I love and appreciate you for who you are.

With warmest hugs,
SGM

Your turn--don't be afraid to open your heart. Thanks for participating!

"And on loan to us from Belleview psychiatric..."

Warning: language is a little nsfw

Please show the wickedly funny creator of this video some love in his youtube comments and let him know that we need some New Jersey.

(subscribers click through for the highlight of your morning)

"My whole house, it has nothing but marble, onyx and granite."

YES, there were many more ridiculous things said on the premiere episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but Teresa's proud statement about her bajillion dollar tacky-ass home just captured the essence of the whole show, an essence that can only be described as vulgar, tasteless, and true to every stereotype we've ever heard about north New Jersey.

I find this very exciting.

I'm not going to recap this episode (watch the whole thing here) because, disappointingly, it was not much different than the preview show. However, there were a few important added scenes:

1. Teresa's husband Joe is in "construction," and she pays a furniture bill of $120,ooo in CASH. You draw your own conclusions.

My prediction for the season--Joe's office moves to the space above the Bada Bing.

Teresa should also be given credit for the most jaw-dropping moment of the show when says she's building The Palace of Marble, Onyx and Granite because it makes her "shkeeve" to look at other people's houses. "I don't want to live in someone else's house--that's gross." Totally! That's why I demand a brand new toilet every time I have to pee someplace other than my own house.

Despite all of those disparaging comments I just made about her, she is my favorite, and not just because her husband could have me whacked at any moment. She's truly hilarious and I think her best moments are yet to come.

2. Remember Danielle, who was going on a date with her internet phone sex partner who goes by the name of (air quotes) "Gucci Model"?

He stands her up.

Then her implants explode while she's lifting weights, and she dies!

Just kidding. But really, those implants looked painfully strained during this scene.

3. Dina's husband is cheating on her. This was not said outright, but we can all read between the lines. We know he's cheated on her before and on the show she says that he's hardly ever home. He couldn't even make it home for this,

which is just inexcusable in my book.

Dina has been set up as the bitch royale, but I like her for now because she made fun of Teresa's house, calling it a "banquet hall."

4. All of the cast members are "best friends" with their daughters.

"Clean your room! It's so messy in here I can't even find the beer and weed I bought for you."

5. Caroline's son Albie is HOT.

A little too close to mama, perhaps, but HOT nonetheless. Mmmm hmmm. We'll be keeping an eye on him.

Here's my deal with the Real Housewives of New Jersey: I'm going to wait until this season gets really juicy before I start recapping it. Frankly, the NYC women sucked the lifeblood out of me and I need to recharge. I'll still be posting and wanting to dish with all of you, but the recaps won't start for a few more weeks. Sound good? Okay. Let's talk.

**Update** I spelled Teresa's name wrong. I hate it when I spell names wrong. It has been corrected.

"Tell me you're stopping with the Kelly because I CAN'T TAKE IT."

Not me, Ramoner. I say keep it coming! Just when I think Kelly can't get any dumber, SHE DOES. Bitch has the brain of an amoeba. A newborn amoeba! Everything out of her mouth is either completely irrelevant to the subject at hand or in direct contradiction to one of her previous irrelevant statements. Does that make sense, or did I somehow get transported into Kelly time? Listening to her speak causes my brain cells to shrivel up and beg for mercy.

Part 2 of the Real Housewives of New York City reunion was bananas. I could spend 10 hours trying to recount it and still not give you a good idea of how crazy bonkers it was, so let's just open it up for discussion.

Talking points:

1. Kelly's so "insular" (typically poor choice of wording), which is why she's on a reality show.

2. On Kelly's habit of not saying hi to people--Kelly says "what's the big deal?" and Bethenny has my favorite moment of the show, "It makes you a piece of shit, that's what's the big deal!" YES.

3. "I love to explore awesome people. I don't want to live in negative-town. I don't like fodder." a) Kelly IS fodder, and b) that quote needs to be on an effing t-shirt.

4. As you know, I am not the Countess' biggest fan, but I thought she handled herself pretty well in both Parts 1 and 2, and she asked Kelly the best and most pointed questions of the night. No disrespect to Andy Cohen. I LOVE YOU ANDY.

But I do agree that you could use a little haircut.

Do you think the Countess was really starting to cry when she put that pillow over her face?

5. Mario checking out the ladies (how did I miss that the first time around?) and Bethenny's "I think Mario wants to be a little star."

6. Ramoner's buggy eyes are apparently a sensitive subject?

7. Did Kelly say "when I went to the Brass Monkey and I saw the puss on her face"? (at the 1:45 mark HERE)

8. If I hear the word "branding" on any of these shows again, I will BLOW my BRAINS out.

9. Kelly's earnest "Normally I do. I do wear bras a lot."

10. I love Jill Zarin. So much.

11.

Kelly: I want to talk about interesting fun things.

Bethenny: Like stuff? Let's talk about STUFF.

Andy Cohen: We're going over what happened this season on the show.

Kelly: But I'm bored with it.

OMFG.

12. NYC Prep looks so TRASHY and that's why we're going to watch it.

13. Alex. Mute but for two sentences while trying to translate for the K-bomb.

MAZEL on finishing the season, everyone! Obviously I thought the best parts of the reunion were Kelly's. What do you think? What did I miss? Give it to me.