"My whole house, it has nothing but marble, onyx and granite."
Monday, May 18, 2009 
YES, there were many more ridiculous things said on the premiere episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but Teresa's proud statement about her bajillion dollar tacky-ass home just captured the essence of the whole show, an essence that can only be described as vulgar, tasteless, and true to every stereotype we've ever heard about north New Jersey.
I find this very exciting.
I'm not going to recap this episode (watch the whole thing here) because, disappointingly, it was not much different than the preview show. However, there were a few important added scenes:
1. Teresa's husband Joe is in "construction," and she pays a furniture bill of $120,ooo in CASH. You draw your own conclusions.
My prediction for the season--Joe's office moves to the space above the Bada Bing.
Teresa should also be given credit for the most jaw-dropping moment of the show when says she's building The Palace of Marble, Onyx and Granite because it makes her "shkeeve" to look at other people's houses. "I don't want to live in someone else's house--that's gross." Totally! That's why I demand a brand new toilet every time I have to pee someplace other than my own house.
Despite all of those disparaging comments I just made about her, she is my favorite, and not just because her husband could have me whacked at any moment. She's truly hilarious and I think her best moments are yet to come.
2. Remember Danielle, who was going on a date with her internet phone sex partner who goes by the name of (air quotes) "Gucci Model"?
He stands her up.
Then her implants explode while she's lifting weights, and she dies!
Just kidding. But really, those implants looked painfully strained during this scene.
3. Dina's husband is cheating on her. This was not said outright, but we can all read between the lines. We know he's cheated on her before and on the show she says that he's hardly ever home. He couldn't even make it home for this,
which is just inexcusable in my book.
Dina has been set up as the bitch royale, but I like her for now because she made fun of Teresa's house, calling it a "banquet hall."
4. All of the cast members are "best friends" with their daughters.
"Clean your room! It's so messy in here I can't even find the beer and weed I bought for you."5. Caroline's son Albie is HOT.
A little too close to mama, perhaps, but HOT nonetheless. Mmmm hmmm. We'll be keeping an eye on him.
Here's my deal with the Real Housewives of New Jersey: I'm going to wait until this season gets really juicy before I start recapping it. Frankly, the NYC women sucked the lifeblood out of me and I need to recharge. I'll still be posting and wanting to dish with all of you, but the recaps won't start for a few more weeks. Sound good? Okay. Let's talk.
**Update** I spelled Teresa's name wrong. I hate it when I spell names wrong. It has been corrected.
Reader Comments (47)
YES!! Albi is HOT!!
Please recharge your batteries - we need you fresh for what is looking to be THE BEST SEASON of the housewives.
And that clip of Dina and her husband - could he be sitting further away from her?!
I love Teresa - she's my favorite, too mostly because of the way her very low hairline gives her a 2" forehead. A twohead.
I beg you to reconsider you plan to wait to begin recaps. The Jersey Shore is its own subculture and when they start showing this gang at their houses there, the top of your head is going to blow off.
Okay, yes. I actually loved this episode. I didn't think I was ready for another Real Housewives after NYC ended but this completely sucked me in.
I actually loved all the characters so far with the exception of Danielle. I liked her up until she shows up at the beauty salon to insert her uninvited self into a girls night out in the city. Um, Danielle, come on. Have some class.
I LOVED Theresa. The shots where she's lip glossing her daughter up and performing the dance routine from her front row seat and then they flash to her saying "I'm NOT a stage mom." Hilarious.
I, too, think I will be a Dina fan but am disappointed that there were no appearances by her husband at all. Is he going to be another elusive count? Or is he just involved in some, um, 'business' that makes him feel as though his face shouldn't be on television? Also, if he is cheating on Dina... how? She's gorgeous.
Oh, and Albie?! AY CARUMBA. I melted into my sofa every time they showed him. I like that he's close to his mom... so far it doesn't seem to be creepy - they're Italian! Oh, and when Caroline says, "It'll be good to have an attorney in the family." Grin.
Can't wait for this season. I was going to cancel my cable, but bravo, uh, bravo. I'm hooked.
Sounds just fine. I may just rely on your recaps for this season. I tried to watch the first episode 4 different times and had to change the channel about 25 minutes in to avoid having to be put on life support. Ugh, I feel icky watching these ladies. *sigh*
PS. I changed my blog URL - would you mind updating her on your blogroll? It's now regardezmoiblog.blogspot.com. Thank you!!!!
PPS - If you want a stand in to recap these NJ episodes til you're feeling up to it again, I'd be happy to assist. Growing up in PA and living in northern Jersey, otherwise known as Dirty Jerz, means I've been exposed to a lot this and therefore find it FASCINATING.
"Clean your room! It's so messy in here I can't even find the beer and weed I bought for you." Rolling on the floor!!
And good catch on the promo shot of Dina sans husband. I didn't even notice that. That is BAD.
I tried explaining to my mom that scene in which Theresa pays cash for her furniture cause she hears "the economy isn't doing so well" but I wasn't doing it justice. I'm glad that you clarified she is your fave, or her "delicious and juicy" husband might've put a mark on you.
OMG! Dina's husband is a PLAYER-G! That VH1 video is just sad...he could not be sitting further away from her.
Please recharge! Your recaps are what make these shows bearable and hook us in!
Take a little vacay--you have earned it. It is going to be a fun summer. In the meantime I will be hanging out at wealthymen.com with Danielle.
Did anyone else's Gaydar "ping" while watching Dina and Tommy's casting tape?
kath1216-- yes! also, HOLY BODY LANGUAGE. As a regular reader of US Weekly I feel authorized to give a full analysis. They have probably slept together twice. It was her idea.
SGM,
Please recharge, we need you and love you. I loved the RHONJ, however, what in the fuck is up with Danielle's eyebrows, she looks like Joan Crawford on Meth!!!
I knew I recognized Dina from something else. At first I thought it was "Bridezillas" but thanks for linking the BFFW on here. I agree that Albie is hot but I don't think his mom will let him date anyone she doesn't approve of. I hate Danielle's eyebrows!
Please don't quit doing your recaps! Your blog makes my mid-week blog reading a must, as I have greatly reduced my blog-reading time because I'm afraid of becoming a bag lady if I don't create some additional income. The irony of watching these women, who don't have a clue about the value of a dollar, is somehow entertaining to this aged single woman. And your commentary sometimes is the only laugh, even more than the shows, that I can muster in a week.
I can only hope that these women are stashing some of their husbands'/boyfriends' ill-gotten goods (a al Carmella), in the event that they find themselves without that income stream in the future.
Joanne, a fan who never comments, but should
Albie's gay.
Just saying...
I still heart you though.
Does anyone else think that Danielle's "date" was made up? (Either to get some more air time, or because she's crazy)
Love this show! It's gonna be my favorite "Housewife series"I can just feel it. (how pathetic, but so what!!) Why was Dina's wedding video taken off the site?? Maybe a little pressure from hubby? Love this site,my new favorite.
Project Simple Life- you read my mind! I can't stand the eyebrows either!
Dina parked in the handicapped spot at the salon!!!!
"Seriously, Bethenny, seriously"...your blog is my new favorite!!!
I almost fell to tears watching the premier of this show...the most memorable part may have been listening to Teresa tell us how "HOT" her husband is. He's just so juicy...was that what she said? I die!!!
Your character descriptions, pictures & summaries are awesome...
i love teresa too. from now and until further notice, i will only instruct my photographic subjects to "do fabulous."
I love that you specified "north New Jersey".
And I'm not too crazy about any of them. I usually can pick a favorite right away...(Jill or Bethenny, NeNe...Bobby), but these women are making my choice difficult. I may have to agree on Teresa, because she looks like she had a love for Bon Jovi back in her day, and she is funny. (Plus her bubbies. She doesn't really have them, I don't really have them. I get her.)
And I completely agree about Albie. Oy vey that boy.
what?! No recaps??? Call me shallow, but I have a feeling this is going to be the best RH to date. I mean, with a preview show packed with divorce, cat fights, hot sons, thick as thieves families and a lotta bling, what's not to love??? I am already loving to hate Danielle. I mean, really? Gucci model. Phone sex... since one year? Teresa gets 'scheey' in other peoples houses, but she's not 'scheeved' being friends with Danielle. What gives?
So I assume Teresa has a bodyguard since she apparently walks around with a WAD OF CASH in her purse all the time.
Danielle looks like she escaped from Drag Race.
This show is the culmination of all the RH shows because really, it's like ground zero of all the tacky aspirations of all the other "housewives". I know I'm going to love watching Caroline give someone the back of her hand.