Hey everyone!

1. Clear your schedules--Bravo will be showing The Real Housewives of OC Lost Footage Special TONIGHT. Here's a clip:

(How OVER IT is Andy Cohen?! Love him.)

2. This should be good--next week on the Today Show, dumbasses Hoda and Kathie Lee will be co-hosting with a different Housewife each day. !!!! Bethenny on Monday, Danielle on Tuesday, NeNe on Wednesday and Tamra on Thursday. I hope none of them hold back if Kathie gets lippy.

3. I hope to be back to my regular posting next week. Or maybe I will just continue to be an irresponsible blogger. I have no idea. Just please know that it has nothing to do with you. SGM loves you; never forget it.

Lady Bensimon is FREE!

Kelly Bensimon was sentenced to 2 days of community service today for giving her boyfriend a black eye. Doesn't the judge know that Kelly doesn't "do" community service? I mean, what if they start using her name for all of their community service events? I hope she appeals.

Anyhow, we can all sleep soundly in our beds tonight knowing that Kelly is safe at home. If she thought the reunion show was boring, she should see jail! Like, totally not fun or awesome at all.

In the words of Kelly, "justice has been served."*

A video clip of the jubilant yet still moronic Kelly outside of court:

*omg, when is someone going to hit her?

Lame, thy name is SGM

UPDATED with a new photo that isn't a close-up of a gross eye.

The short story: There is no Real Housewives of New Jersey recap for you today.

The long story: OH MY GOD. I thought you'd never ask.

For the past month, my eyes have been inexplicably bloodshot, sensitive and hurty, and I can't look at the computer monitor for 15 minutes without getting a nasty throbbing eye-ache. I went to my eye doctor to see what the problem was and she was all "fuck if I know." Then I punched her in the face. Not really. I actually said a meek "okay" and cried on my way to the car.

On the bright side, I think I am earning a reputation as a junkie. I have stopped wearing eye make-up and I wear sunglasses over my glasses when I'm driving, which only enhances my appearance of being strung out. Danielle knows what I'm talking about.

It's super-pretty.

I'm almost sure I have it figured out--I think I am allergic to my mofo contact solution. I've been completely off of it for 3 days now, and I am finally starting to see improvement. JESUS.

So, no recap, which hurts me deep inside because I desperately want to talk about Jaqueline's bizarre and childlike giggling when she's with Danielle.

If you want to read something funny that will make you LOL and possibly ROFL/LMAO, please visit one of my favorite people in the world, the stunning and sexual Elaine of Miss in Your Business. She and her friend Sarah help people with their problems in a very straight-talking way. This post, about when you should end a friendship with a total bitch, would be an excellent place to start.

I love you all. Have a delicious weekend.

Ramoner hawking her jewelry on HSN tonight

Do you even know what channel HSN is? I don't, but you can bet your sweet tits I'm going to find it tonight at 9pm. (I think Eastern time, but I have no idea how the eff HSN works.) DON'T MAKE HER NERVOUS, you guys!

By the by, did anyone watch the preview special for NYC Prep? OMG. I can't even discuss it, because I will just make fun of those kids and they're KIDS. Okay, I'll just say one little bitty mean thing--what is going on with Camille's face? And Jessie? OY.

Ramona Singer

The Real Housewives of NJ outclass Hoda and Kathie Lee

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What's with Hoda and the pointing and not being able to address anyone by name? And then Kathie and her dismissive looks and "this isn't reality?" Someone needs to teach these two some manners.

Sleep with one eye open, Hoda and Kathie. Capisce?

Oh, and don't forget to watch tonight.

YIKES. I will definitely be recapping.

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