"I need a straw for my whiskeeeeeee!"

I finally watched Andy Cohen's new show Watch What Happens and I am happy to report that I thought it was delightful. Despite the fact that there was absolutely no new information (except possibly the viewer question "did you know you get more buzzed from a straw?"), it was still worth watching because we saw a new side of Andy, a side that was slightly drunk, sweaty and charmingly brazen. When he expressed his desire for a straw, complete with pubescent voice-cracking, I thought I was going to pass out on the floor. He gets PAID to do this? Only in America, my friends.

Here are some highlights:

1. Andy does freestyle pop culture commentary at the top of the show wherein he talks about how the new Big Brother set looks cheap and crappy. With drink in hand, he gestures to his set and says "we pulled the Bravo clubhouse out of our butts for 5k!" This was our first hint that maybe this wasn't Andy's first whiskey of the night.

2. Andy "interviews" RHONJ's Danielle Staub, which is to say that he just makes fun of her the whole time. It's pretty much all over her head as she tries to answer his questions seriously: "I am working on changing the shape of my eyebrows" and "No, [not a mafia contract but] a contract for the show." If I would have been there, I would have poked him in the chest, not in defense of Danielle, but because Andy would have gone "OWWWWWWW" and then stumbled backwards into the bookcase full of knick-knacks and slurred "Oh shit, did I break anything? Did I? Oh God, I am hammered."

3. Next is the phone "booty" call with Sarah Jessica Parker. Chug-a-lug!

She and Andy are obvs friends in real life and the call was filled with inside jokes, e.g. SJP pointedly calling him Andrew. I didn't really appreciate her familiarity (in other words, BACK the fuck OFF, SJ), but I did chuckle when Andy said he was going to send her some fried chicken from his favorite Sag Harbor eatery so she could blend it up and bottle-feed it to her new babies.

Yes, Andy, that was funny. At this point, I wanted to stick a Totinos pizza in the oven and let him have at it before he passed out. I can't wait to see what he does this Thursday, and whether he's as mischievous/nervous/drunk. Guests will be Isaac Mizrahi, Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos.

Also on Thursday, a lost footage episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta will air. (Note to Bravo: ENOUGH of the lost footage!  Everyone knows it's mostly recycled scenes.) We shall discuss.

One last thing--anyone watch My Life on the D-List? Did you see Kathy getting kicked off of the stage at the Apollo? AWKWARD. I had to run out of the room.

I hope he doesn't get a restraining order against me

QUIET DESPAIR

By SGM

Lonely
In a crowd
Arms hanging
Restless
Lost
Longing
for someone
a blogger, maybe
to rescue him from this boring wedding
and fill the emptiness
with heterosexual love

Flower Petals

By SGM

Flower petals
Goddamn flower petals
Annoying
Unnecessary
Not funny
Someone will pay

This is why celebs should be wary of friends posting (precious and vulnerable) pictures of them on facebook.  Sometimes, thank God, they end up in my inbox.

Thanks, LH.

Welcome to the new SGM!

Hey, you made it!

A quick word about my makeover and then we'll get back to business. When Erica at Squarespace first approached me about moving my blog, I was reluctant. What's wrong with Blogger? Why change? OMG. I'll tell you why. Because Squarespace makes things so easy for a technologically impaired person like me: I can do fancy customizations (and I'm talking dropdown menus and Jeff Lewis wallpaper, bitches) without knowing a bit of code. When I insert a photo, it doesn't show up at the top of the screen; it shows up where I want it to show up (are you listening, Blogger?). If I ever run into problems, there are humans standing by to answer my questions. It's insane. The only con is that it's a paid service (starting at $8/month), but...dropdown menus and Jeff Lewis wallpaper. Enough said.

My new banner and button (the image at the top of this post) were designed by Richele at Richie Designs. As you can tell, she's a genius. She does it all:  graphics, illustration, letterpress stationery and greeting cards. She's also a good friend; I'd flip a table on your behalf any time, Richie!

If you subscribed to my old blog via RSS, you're going to have to do it again with this new site. If you subscribed via email/Feedburner, you shouldn't have to do anything.

Now, a pressing matter: Andy Cohen's very own Bravo show Watch What Happens debuts tonight at midnight EST (LIVE for you East coasters), and his first guest is Danielle. He is soliciting questions, so get on that shit!  What are you waiting for?  GO!

Oh, for God's sake!

How on earth am I supposed to go on a break when there's eye-popping stupidity to report? The bloggers at W Magazine recently interviewed Kelly Bensimon about her new jewelry collection. Apparently, she's abandoned the owls (remember the lawsuit?) for snakes with loopy tongues. Here is an excerpt from the interview:

What inspired you for this [jewelry] collection? I love Navajo and I love the idea of taking Pocahontas out of the kayak and putting her into the disco. Everyone knows that she's had enough in her little canoe and now she's out and having fun in the disco. It's the idea that it's Navajo, but also it's pavé and really, pavé that's my forte. I love bling. I love understated flashy.

Is she fucking high? What other possible explanation is there for Navajo Pocahontas at the disco?

"So, like, my next collection is going to be kind of Helen Keller in Aspen. I mean, get that girl a snowboard!"

You'll also be glad to know that she resurrects her infamous "up here/down there" line when talking about the loopy snake tongue, aka "pod":

That's the pod, which is something that's really going to be the staple of the line. It comes in lariat. I like the lariat because it brings the attention down. Everyone likes up, I like down. I'm like, bring it right here [motions towards her chest]! There are two parts of a woman's body men like, and so we're focusing on one.

Ah, Kelly likes the attention down. Or wait, is it up? Apart? I'm confused. Anyhow, click here to read the entire interview; it's very worth it, especially when Kelly bewilders the interviewer (twice) by using the word "chatty" instead "catty." On a completely unrelated note, I am mesmerized by this video (found, and intelligently discussed, on fourfour). That shirt alone draws you in, doesn't it? Is that Teresa at the :28 mark? Just joking, Teresa; you know I love you and your greasy husband. Happy Friday!

Dear PC,

You are ridiculous, and I am so sorry that you have such a permanent and public record of it.

Sincerely,
SGM

Is anyone watching this show?

Did Gretchen get married? (thanks to the anonymous tipster.) I'm sure we would have heard about it if she had, but I can't find a thing.

I'm going to be taking a short blogging break while I upgrade my blog. It's going to be fancier and fluffier than ever! Come back next week-ish to check it out. xoxo