When Gift Bags Backfire

Check out what's in store for us tonight on the Real Housewives of New York City:

(click through if you can't see the video)

Uh oh!  FEELINGS.

Move over, SJP. Andy Cohen's got a new girlfriend.

Remember when we voted for our friend Boo to participate in the Bravo-sponsored Kentucky Oaks Survivor's Parade?  She promised to report back and HERE IT IS--read on and prepare to fight the strong urge to sniff your computer monitor:

So, I wish I could say it has taken me two weeks to send a recap of the Kentucky Oaks and Survivor Parade because I've been too busy letting Jeff Lewis give me pedicures while Andy Cohen fed me peeled grapes and read me Lynn Curtain's Twitter feed, but I've actually just been busy. And also a little afraid I would disappoint all of SGM's readers with my experience. I'll go ahead and let you all down now - I did not meet Jeff Lewis. No hugging, no tush squeezes, no commiserating over what a bitch Ryan is. I actually now believe there was some sort of grand conspiracy to keep the cancer survivors as far as humanly possible away from the Bravolebrities. Granted, there were 116,000 people in attendance that day, but I've provided a visual to the seating arrangements to try and prove my suspicion. Here is a photo my friend took of us during the parade, and I've diagrammed where everyone was:


The NBC Sports cameras were focused on my husband & I for about 3/4 of the parade, and so we were sure that when we got home and had a chance to watch the tape that you'd see our goofy mugs all over Bravo. Um, not so much. I received about 3.7 seconds of airtime on our beloved channel, and you kinda' have to stand on your head and squint your eyes to really tell that its us.

All that said, the parade was an amazing experience. They played "I Will Survive" over the speakers as we walked the parade, and everyone in the stands applauded and cheered for us as we walked by. I felt very lucky to have the opportunity to be there, and to represent all the women that could not be there. I want to tell everyone who voted for me "thank you" again, I appreciate the support more than you know.

As the parade ended, I had all but given up hope of tackling any Bravolebrities. My dreams of making Jeff Lewis my gay husband and spending the rest of our lives picking out tiles on Sunday afternoons had all but died. And then an angel in pale khaki seersucker walked by - the King of Bravo himself, Andy Cohen. "Andy Cohen!", I screamed, and he looked over with alarm, probably fearing that he was about to be attacked by a giant jello mold (my dress was ruully, ruully, bright). He scooted off to complete his duties as host of the show, and I bided my time. Finally, the race was over, and the tv cameras were turned off, and we took our opportunity.

He was everything I hoped he would be. He smelled good. He was very sweet. And he was so cute I wanted to fold him up in my pocket and take him home. We make a lovely couple, don't we? Me in my Kim Zolciak wig, he in his Brooks Brothers suit and crooked grin. Sigh. The life we might share picking out tiles on a Sunday afternoon... if only he hadn't scampered away from me as fast as he could as soon as the photo was taken. I think he was a little afraid.

And then it was over. But I had this one little prize to bring home to you all, and it was a wonderful, memorable day. Thanks again for your votes and support. If I go again next year, maybe I'll focus my energy on stalking Albie Manzo and forcing him to tell me the secret to his hair.

Love,
Boo

I knew Andy Cohen smelled good.  I KNEW IT!  Somewhere in the City of Angels, Jeff Lewis is weeping quietly because he did not get a chance to meet you.  Thank you, Boo for your excellent insider details and photos.  You did us proud!  Best wishes to you as you continue to make cancer your bitch.

My internet connection keeps crashing and I am all tight in the chest

so I'll keep this short.

I have about 5 million things to say about Kelly Bensimon's behavior on the most recent episode of Real Housewives of New York City, but I think they can all be summed up with this one thought:  it's one thing to be a retard, but it's quite another to be a belligerent retard. 

Kelly:  I'm not like Bethenny, I'm not a hobag!

Bethenny:  Why are you calling me a hobag when a self-proclaimed slut is sitting right here next to me?

Sonja:  Yeah! 

Kelly:  But you're not even a chef!  Or a cook!     

Bethenny:  Why are you saying that?  I went to culinary school.

Kelly:  Why are you telling me this?  I don't care!  I don't care!  ETC.

Thanks to anon for posting Kelly's panicked twitter feed during the airing of the show.  I picture Kelly's brain as a moth frantically fluttering its dusty wings against a window:  what's going on?  why can't I get out?  why do I keep using the word banter when I clearly don't know what the fuck it means?

Aren't Coerte and LuAnn the love story of the year?

So romantic.  I think the flaming bar was a metaphor for their passion.  Or Coerte's obvious homosexuality.

Alex's geeky, asthmatic laugh and Ramoner's drunken shenanigans warmed my heart. 

Everyone needs a friend like the 'Moner.  I'd crash a Hooters yacht party with her any time. 

I cannot wait for the next episode and Kelly's desperate call to Bitchface Inc. (Jill and Lu) onshore.  That's what I'm talkin' about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    

In other completely unrelated news, did you see this monstrosity?  Why, Nene?  WHY?

Bonk!

I only managed to watch 10 minutes of Real Housewives of New York City last night but it was the part where Kelly tried to storm off and couldn't open the door. 

Sometimes my love for this show is overflowing.

I'm headed out of town but I will do anything (or anyone) it takes to stay up all night on Sunday and recap this episode.  Did anyone happen to catch the Countess doing her spoken word rap on WWHL last night?  Please report. 

Major big throbbing bikini hearts to all of you. 

My heart pounds with anticipation

At long last, the "GO TO SLEEP!" episode is up on us.  This might be where the seed is planted:

(click through if you can't see the video)

Is there anything better than Kelly giving Bethenny advice?  I think not. 

Does anyone want to talk about Real Housewives of New Jersey, specifically Danielle's bathroom and her bidet with the big bottle of pump soap on it?  (endless thanks to gayhooker for pointing it out to me.)  OH GOD, where is Decorno when you need her?!  

Also.  The masturbatory luncheon.  WOW. 

Did anyone else get a little turned on watching Albie throw ham? 

His hair had much better lighting this episode.  I'm back in the fold, bitchez.