Look who crashed the RHBH reunion!

You are so busted, Mariah Carey.

photo credit.

Bullies, Betrayal and ALCOHOLICS?!

The Cedric foreshadowing appears to be getting much darker, and no wonder Kim has the tremors.  Holy shit times 100!

(click through if you can't see video)

In other news, Taylor had her lip implants replaced with rubber bands.

"My son buttheaded my husband and actually broke his nose."

Oh my goodness!  What does that even mean?  Is this some sort of extreme sport that rich people participate in?  Whatever it is, it sounds dangerous and perhaps illegal.  Be careful, Maloofs.

THIS SHOW!  I love it like Camille Grammer loves Nick--on the down-low and with a little tongue.  This episode was not only about recreational buttheading, but the darker side of childhood and marriage.  Oh, you don't even know!  You really don't.  Here is your Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap.

1.  Lisa is in the garden tending to her roses, a bead of sweat on her brow.  She is working so hard, and she doesn't even speak Spanish!  Wait, what's that over there?  It is a bronzed and bikni'd Cedric, sitting on the edge the Vanderpumpian pool enjoying a glass of wine infused with the pee of Giggy, lazily dredging his foot through the water.  It is the very picture of "I Have No Intention of EVER Leaving This Place."

Then Keith (I know his name is Ken, but he's definitely more of a Keith) comes doddering into the garden clutching Giggy.  They are twinsies as usual, both dressed in their lavender ensembles.  Keith is upset.  There are some unintelligible mumblings having to do with a jeep and no gas, and we are given strong hints that Cedric is to blame.  Keith complains that Cedric has been their houseguest for over a year and it's time for him to go.  Seems like a reasonable request, but a man who likes to coordinate pastel outifts with his tiny fluffy dog does not have much authority and Lisa dismisses his request accordingly.  She tells the camera she has maternal feelings for Cedric and she's not ready to kick him out.  Interesting, isn't it?  The scene ends with Lisa going in to kiss Giggy, and Keith trying to intercept but being swatted away like a fly.

2.  Camille calls Kyle to invite her to a tennis party.  "HEY KYLE, IT'S CAMILLE" she shouts with fake enthusiasm.  Then there is this yawning, awful 5 second silence wherein we all think that Kyle is having an "oh shit, should I hang up?" moment.  But no, Kyle was dealing with reception issues.  Indeed!  I've heard that can happen when you're not married to an A-list actor. 

Kyle doesn't play tennis, but Mauricio does.  She doesn't "want to cause anymore problems" (i.e. cost her husband millions of dollars in lost commissions) so she accepts Camille's invitation.

Kyle calls her sister Kim to tell her the news and Kim is all "have you lost your goddamn mind?  When I was a child star--" Then Kyle interrupts, "this time will be different." 

And in a dimly lit apartment in Manhattan, Andy Cohen takes a shot of whiskey and slams down his glass growling "not if I have anything to do with it." 

3.  So THEN!  Then Lisa's daughter Pandora, who possibly has her hair done by Giggy's groomer, is having a birthday.  The party is at Giggy's favorite restaurant, Sur.  Guess who arrives in formalwear?  Giggy!  Isn't that adorable to have a dressed-up dog at the dinner table?  Yes!  So much.  Anyhow, back to whats-her-face, Pandora, how old is she again?  Oh, who cares.  Her boyfriend doesn't even care, as evidenced by his fake marriage proposal.  Really, this party is about Giggy and a little bit about Cedric because out of the blue, Kyle leans over Lisa in the midst of this festive celebration and says something like "so Cedric!  What's this I hear about your abusive and awful childhood?"

I will bet you Adrienne Maloof's white grand piano that right before this scene was shot, a producer pulled Kyle aside and told her she had to ask this rude and inappropriately-timed question.  Kyle refused.  Then the producer pinched Kyle on the arm--hard--and hissed "listen, Kyle.  I don't want it to come to this, but we can make you look like Camille.  We can and we will."

So Kyle asks and Cedric answers.  It's so horrifying that we just have to curl up into the fetal and whisper to  ourselves that he must be making it all up.  Kyle is sympathetic, but tells the camera in what seems to be a highly edited and pieced together comment, "I just hope he is sincere."  Is this some foreshadowing?

From the blooper reel:  "Cedric, Lisa tells me you have some crazy awesome rape and abandonment stories.  OMG!  Tell me everything!"     

 4. There's a sad little breakfast scene at Taylor's house.  Her husband is painfully stiff and gray as usual and we can practically see him thinking "don't look at the camera, don't look at the camera."  Also "I HATE MY LIFE."

5.  Camille's tennis party!  But it's not really a tennis party, it's  just more of a Watch Camille Bounce Around in a Little Bitty Tennis Outfit and Kiss Nick on the Lips Party.  Everyone enjoys that, right?  Well, everyone except those of you suffering from female jealousy issues. 

The Maloofs are there too.  Paul has a broken nose (again) because of the aforementioned violent buttheading.  Then we see Camille and her guests partake in a catered lunch that cost more than my c-section.  Camille bats her eyes and starts talking about her favorite subject, which is of course Camille.  Then it's time to head over the pool for some Look at Camille in a Bikini Time. 

Yay! Isn't this fantastic, watching her do mermaid flips and have eye-sex with all of the husbands while claiming that the reason no one likes her is because they are jealous of her?  Yes, that must be the reason.  Either that or her abhorrent personality.  Tough call.

Kyle didn't wear her bathing suit, and after listening to Camille bitch about it for 20 minutes, decides to jump in the pool to get her to SHUT THE HELL UP and (I hope) give Camille an "accidental" scissor-kick to the head.

The party ends with no major fights, but some of this:

which is good enough for me.

6.  Kyle is throwing a white party for Mauricio's 40th birthday party.  It's very very stressful because she has to tell the tent people how to arrange the curtains, as well as occasionally nod to the caterers.  If that weren't enough, she has to sit in a chair while someone applies her make-up and does her hair.  Don't let anyone tell you it's easy to throw a party in Beverly Hills.  It's not. 

Finally, she's dressed in white and sexy Mauricio is too, and the guests arrive.  Kim, who actually looks pretty cute, walks in and then Taylor with Russell, who is totally trying to psych himself up for a party in which no one will want to talk to him.  Lisa and Cedric enter arm in arm, followed by Keith and his date Giggy.

Then starts some majorly SWF action.  The foreground is Kyle and Mauricio nuzzling and then the camera focuses in on Taylor in the background, staring at them.  Taylor tells the camera about how cold her marriage is and how beautiful Kyle and Mauricio's is.  More staring.  There is a heart to heart in Kyle's bedroom in which Taylor gets teary over the fact that Russell seems to be checked out.  In fact, he left her at the party.  Went home and danced to Kenny Chesney songs in front of the mirror, ready to jump in bed and pretend he was asleep the second he heard Tay walk in the door.  I don't know that for sure, of course.  The whole thing went ON and ON in a super-creepy manner, didn't it?  Then there is this,

and if that doesn't give you visions of a big knife and sprays of blood, then you haven't been paying attention.  Nice work turning this into a mini horror movie, Bravo.

There's also an are-you-kidding me moment when Camille gives Kyle a present, a book entitled "How to Behave and Not Be Jealous of Camille Grammer" or something ridiculous like that.  It was a joke, can't you see?  A joke because Camille has such an excellent sense of humor and is totally not a delusional butthole.

Exactly.

Next week, the Grammer divorce bomb drops.  I can't wait.

I miss you all so much!

A tip o' my hat to you.

My darlings,

I'm finished with the blog.  I've been a stay-at-home mom for the duration of Scented Glossy Magazines and now I'm ready to go back to work.  Also, I'm just kind of tapped out on most of these shows, you know?

Many thanks to all of you for reading, making your smart-ass comments and emailing me with breaking news.  We are kindred spirits, and I will miss you.  Who will I tell when Frank brings me my In Style magazine from the mailbox, saying "that new housewife, the OC one, is on the cover"?

Good try, Frank.  Good try.

Thanks to Frank for letting me dominate the tv; thanks to Harvey Millstein, CID for giving me my valances for free because they are 15 months late; and thanks to my real life bff and back-up life partner Susie, who will now be forced to listen to me talk about all of these shows in person. 

It's been so much fun.  Love to you all.   xxxxoooo

"I used to be a fun gay. I'm not a fun gay anymore."

"So, uh, your choices are brown, dark brown, and really dark brown."

Dearest Jeff,

You're back!  I am so thrilled.  While I'm eager to discuss the Season 4 opener of Flipping Out with you, I first must eat some pie--and don't bother looking for it on the McDonald's dollar menu because it's not there.  I'm talking about humble pie.  Last year, I didn't think Ryan was stealing business from you.  To quote Ramoner, I thought you were making a mountain out of a hole hill.  But after watching this episode and hearing about the flood of business you've been getting, as well as more stories of clients who felt they were misled, I now believe that you were right.   I apologize for doubting you.  If it makes you feel any better, I also believed Jon Gosselin when he said that the woman he was with in a bar at 2am was "just a friend."  I am clearly handicapped when it comes to reading people.  Please forgive me.

Let's talk about the show.

Your life is busier than ever.  You have jobs not only in LA, but in other states. 

If you're not driving or flying to see a client, you're meeting a client.  Your one meal of the day consists of chicken McNuggets with a Binaca chaser.  You finally arrive home only to find that your employees are making mistakes and your animals are peeing and pooping in the house with impudence.  Life is filled with pressure and stress.  To the camera, you lament that you are no longer a "fun gay."

Jeff, I was gay for a few days this summer and I also dabble in life-coaching, so I feel I'm qualified to advise you on this matter.  When I was feeling not-so-fun (common among lesbians), I'd often meditate and then go out with friends.  Other times, I'd score some coke and get a hooker.  Either way, pretty soon I'd be feeling fun again.  There are many ways to feel like a fun gay, Jeff.  Don't limit yourself. 

Speaking of lesbians,  

you said (indirectly about your clients Nancy and Emily), "You just don't want to push a lesbian too far because they can get tough.  I love lesbians, but you have know your boundaries.  She could lay me out on that floor in two seconds."

YOU ARE SO RIGHT.  I'll spare you the details of my own experience, but let's just say that there is nothing more painful than getting a Birkenstock to the crotch.  I hope for your sake that their renovation goes smoothly. 

Jett's hair is looking so much better, and his baby is adorable. 

I would so Hand-that-Rocks-the-Cradle that situation if I were Jenni.  Yes indeed.  Oh, and while we're on the subject of Jett, he explained in detail how to make your favorite drink, a blue cheese stuffed olive Grey Goose dirty martini.  I hope you cleared that with Vicki Gunvalson because it's actually her drink (see here).  Watch your back.  She's not a lesbian but I bet she fights like one.  

Sara is delightful.  Last season, I was very jealous of her, which caused me to direct a lot of anger and criticism her way.  Now, thanks to months of therapy and pharmaceutical intervention, I find her sweet and guileless--the perfect foil for you.  Remember when you made her pick up "booger napkins" that someone had left on the ground?  And then you both playfully joked about smelling like trash?  In the past I would have found a way to crucify her on this blog, but now I simply throw my butterscotch mojito at the tv and forget about it.   Progress!

Let's talk about the Nicaraguan Inquisition, shall we?  You hounded Zoila in front of the whole office about where she was going until she finally confessed she was getting a bikini wax.  The joke was ultimately on you because she has figured out that she just has to say anything personal and private like that and you'll let her go.  But still, you were out of line.  And even though I was mortified to watch you go on and ask about a Brazilian, it was worth it to see this:

You have finally unlocked the secret to ruffling Trace--talk about Zoila's pubic hair. 

Jenni looks fantastic.

I am so happy to hear she's dating someone.  I know that you are not so pleased, and that you think she is distracted by her new relationship and the attendant sexting.  You feel it's causing her to make mistakes, such as when she forgot to bring the client's phone number and you were unable to call when you were running late.  If you'd like, I could coach her on the matter of showing proper remorse.  I'm thinking earsplitting wailing followed by lying down in front of the car, begging to be run over.  I do that for my husband and he finds it very satisfying. 

You looked especially handsome in this episode.  I like how you've incorporated flannel into your wardrobe.  Very butch.  That reminds me--I am thinking of doing a topless calendar with the men of Bravo.  Ideally, the group would be you, Jett, Albie, Sheree and Donn Gunvalson.  Maybe Andy Cohen if he waxes his chest.  Are you interested?  If the idea of showing so much skin turns you off, I would consider letting you wear suspenders and a bow-tie.  Let me know.

Congrats on the outstanding season opener!

Love,

SGM