"My son buttheaded my husband and actually broke his nose."
Sunday, January 9, 2011 
Oh my goodness! What does that even mean? Is this some sort of extreme sport that rich people participate in? Whatever it is, it sounds dangerous and perhaps illegal. Be careful, Maloofs.
THIS SHOW! I love it like Camille Grammer loves Nick--on the down-low and with a little tongue. This episode was not only about recreational buttheading, but the darker side of childhood and marriage. Oh, you don't even know! You really don't. Here is your Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap.
1. Lisa is in the garden tending to her roses, a bead of sweat on her brow. She is working so hard, and she doesn't even speak Spanish! Wait, what's that over there? It is a bronzed and bikni'd Cedric, sitting on the edge the Vanderpumpian pool enjoying a glass of wine infused with the pee of Giggy, lazily dredging his foot through the water. It is the very picture of "I Have No Intention of EVER Leaving This Place."
Then Keith (I know his name is Ken, but he's definitely more of a Keith) comes doddering into the garden clutching Giggy. They are twinsies as usual, both dressed in their lavender ensembles. Keith is upset. There are some unintelligible mumblings having to do with a jeep and no gas, and we are given strong hints that Cedric is to blame. Keith complains that Cedric has been their houseguest for over a year and it's time for him to go. Seems like a reasonable request, but a man who likes to coordinate pastel outifts with his tiny fluffy dog does not have much authority and Lisa dismisses his request accordingly. She tells the camera she has maternal feelings for Cedric and she's not ready to kick him out. Interesting, isn't it? The scene ends with Lisa going in to kiss Giggy, and Keith trying to intercept but being swatted away like a fly.
2. Camille calls Kyle to invite her to a tennis party. "HEY KYLE, IT'S CAMILLE" she shouts with fake enthusiasm. Then there is this yawning, awful 5 second silence wherein we all think that Kyle is having an "oh shit, should I hang up?" moment. But no, Kyle was dealing with reception issues. Indeed! I've heard that can happen when you're not married to an A-list actor.
Kyle doesn't play tennis, but Mauricio does. She doesn't "want to cause anymore problems" (i.e. cost her husband millions of dollars in lost commissions) so she accepts Camille's invitation.
Kyle calls her sister Kim to tell her the news and Kim is all "have you lost your goddamn mind? When I was a child star--" Then Kyle interrupts, "this time will be different."
And in a dimly lit apartment in Manhattan, Andy Cohen takes a shot of whiskey and slams down his glass growling "not if I have anything to do with it."
3. So THEN! Then Lisa's daughter Pandora, who possibly has her hair done by Giggy's groomer, is having a birthday. The party is at Giggy's favorite restaurant, Sur. Guess who arrives in formalwear? Giggy! Isn't that adorable to have a dressed-up dog at the dinner table? Yes! So much. Anyhow, back to whats-her-face, Pandora, how old is she again? Oh, who cares. Her boyfriend doesn't even care, as evidenced by his fake marriage proposal. Really, this party is about Giggy and a little bit about Cedric because out of the blue, Kyle leans over Lisa in the midst of this festive celebration and says something like "so Cedric! What's this I hear about your abusive and awful childhood?"
I will bet you Adrienne Maloof's white grand piano that right before this scene was shot, a producer pulled Kyle aside and told her she had to ask this rude and inappropriately-timed question. Kyle refused. Then the producer pinched Kyle on the arm--hard--and hissed "listen, Kyle. I don't want it to come to this, but we can make you look like Camille. We can and we will."
So Kyle asks and Cedric answers. It's so horrifying that we just have to curl up into the fetal and whisper to ourselves that he must be making it all up. Kyle is sympathetic, but tells the camera in what seems to be a highly edited and pieced together comment, "I just hope he is sincere." Is this some foreshadowing?
From the blooper reel: "Cedric, Lisa tells me you have some crazy awesome rape and abandonment stories. OMG! Tell me everything!"
4. There's a sad little breakfast scene at Taylor's house. Her husband is painfully stiff and gray as usual and we can practically see him thinking "don't look at the camera, don't look at the camera." Also "I HATE MY LIFE."
5. Camille's tennis party! But it's not really a tennis party, it's just more of a Watch Camille Bounce Around in a Little Bitty Tennis Outfit and Kiss Nick on the Lips Party. Everyone enjoys that, right? Well, everyone except those of you suffering from female jealousy issues.
The Maloofs are there too. Paul has a broken nose (again) because of the aforementioned violent buttheading. Then we see Camille and her guests partake in a catered lunch that cost more than my c-section. Camille bats her eyes and starts talking about her favorite subject, which is of course Camille. Then it's time to head over the pool for some Look at Camille in a Bikini Time.
Yay! Isn't this fantastic, watching her do mermaid flips and have eye-sex with all of the husbands while claiming that the reason no one likes her is because they are jealous of her? Yes, that must be the reason. Either that or her abhorrent personality. Tough call.
Kyle didn't wear her bathing suit, and after listening to Camille bitch about it for 20 minutes, decides to jump in the pool to get her to SHUT THE HELL UP and (I hope) give Camille an "accidental" scissor-kick to the head.
The party ends with no major fights, but some of this:
which is good enough for me.
6. Kyle is throwing a white party for Mauricio's 40th birthday party. It's very very stressful because she has to tell the tent people how to arrange the curtains, as well as occasionally nod to the caterers. If that weren't enough, she has to sit in a chair while someone applies her make-up and does her hair. Don't let anyone tell you it's easy to throw a party in Beverly Hills. It's not.
Finally, she's dressed in white and sexy Mauricio is too, and the guests arrive. Kim, who actually looks pretty cute, walks in and then Taylor with Russell, who is totally trying to psych himself up for a party in which no one will want to talk to him. Lisa and Cedric enter arm in arm, followed by Keith and his date Giggy.
Then starts some majorly SWF action. The foreground is Kyle and Mauricio nuzzling and then the camera focuses in on Taylor in the background, staring at them. Taylor tells the camera about how cold her marriage is and how beautiful Kyle and Mauricio's is. More staring. There is a heart to heart in Kyle's bedroom in which Taylor gets teary over the fact that Russell seems to be checked out. In fact, he left her at the party. Went home and danced to Kenny Chesney songs in front of the mirror, ready to jump in bed and pretend he was asleep the second he heard Tay walk in the door. I don't know that for sure, of course. The whole thing went ON and ON in a super-creepy manner, didn't it? Then there is this,
and if that doesn't give you visions of a big knife and sprays of blood, then you haven't been paying attention. Nice work turning this into a mini horror movie, Bravo.
There's also an are-you-kidding me moment when Camille gives Kyle a present, a book entitled "How to Behave and Not Be Jealous of Camille Grammer" or something ridiculous like that. It was a joke, can't you see? A joke because Camille has such an excellent sense of humor and is totally not a delusional butthole.
Exactly.
Next week, the Grammer divorce bomb drops. I can't wait.
I miss you all so much!
Reader Comments (67)
It hasn't been the same w/out you around. Glad you're back.
So glad you're back! I had a feeling you would be, so I never took you off my google reader. Job, schmob!
Holy Sh*t, you are back! I have missed you like a fat kid misses cake or like Camille misses her grasp on reality. God I love this show! BTW my brother knows Kyle and Maurisio and he says they are very nice and down to earth. Hugs, so happy you are back to blogging!
SO HAPPY you are back!! We missed you so much, too!
We are sooooo excited that you are back!!!! Please don't go away again
Thank you, THANK YOU for coming back. These seasons aren't nearly as fun without your commentary. I hope you'll stick around!
You're back..my housewives life is complete!
please say you are back to stay! My face lit up when i saw you in my reader!. I know that B.H. was just too good to pass up...wish you jumped back in sooner!
I haven't even read the blog yet - I am too busy doing my happy dance now that your back. You are back, right? I mean, this isn't some Communist plot or something, right?
Yes!!! My life is now complete :)
you're back!!! yay!!
thank you so much for coming back ............ I truly have missed your witty reviews of my trashy shows.......... as soon as I saw your email land in my box, I thought, "She is back, bitches!!!!" Hope you continue to have a little time to help your adoring fans have a bit of laughter in their weeks! :)
I'm soo glad you're back! Things in reality land haven't been the same without your hilarous recaps.
Nail on the head as usual with this one, my dear! I'd love to hear your thoughts on Camille's creepy psychic friend.
SO GLAD you are back! JUST checked in the other day, hoping against hope...but now you ARE here! Yahoo!
HOLY FUCK! Is this for realz? YES!!! This makes my mf day. Now I shall read your recap and be back for more commentary.
OMG I'm with TRUDIE!!!! I didn't even read your post yet. Stay tune for additional comments. I just had some champagne with a friend waiting for Housewives to start - checked my inbox and there you were. I"M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Excited. The BEST recaps are back. Dam why did you go away you missed the Bravo party - I will tweet Andy Cohen to death to have you on his show ....I'm soooo happy ...I might have to open more Champagne. Hip Hip Horray! xo
p.s. just tweeted Andy that he has to have you on his show.
OMG! I literally screamed when I saw your post in my reader! I've been meaning to email you but got all busy with finals and the holidays and shit. I hope all is well with you.
1. Kim - ugh. Why does she always look like she's on the brink of tears?!
2. That Medium chick - seriously? Why couldn't she predict that Fraser (he'll always be Fraser) was going to leave Camille?!
3. Kyle/Lisa - wasn't expecting to like them as much as I do!
p.s. Just Tweeted Mr. Andy Cohen that Scented Glossy is Back and you have to be on his show. UR THE BEST!
Holy Shitballs - you're back!!! You have been MISSED girl. Hooooooray!!!
Welcome Home! So awesome you are back.
Omg!!!! There really someone upstairs listening to me. You know the ones (voices) that the Lexapro doesn't deaden! ;). This is exactly what I needed to jumpstart my New Year.
I think Adrienne is beating her husband and will end up on the show Women in jail or Dog the Bounty hunter. Except it will be Miss Dog taking A down. ;)
Maybe the Lexapro hasn't deafened all the voices ....yet
Taylor....if anyone needed Lexapro (or maybe she needs to drink more) she's one. Or her dead fish husband. That man has a hit wife with lips that could totally ...... Well you get the picture.
Lisa.... I'll take Cedric ....wait which voice was that?
Kim....please borrow some Lexapro.
Kyle... She's my favorite. Well maybe cuz her husbands soooooo damn hot or maybe because she reminds me off Demi Moore who also has a hot husband.
Camille.....Wow!!!! Really? Are you that stupid? And whoever made the comment about the medium, holy shit I snorted so loud I think old macdonald is looking for his runaway pig. Tooooooo funny!
SGM.... My friend, you have been dearly missed. Thank you for bringing laughter back into my day.
Wuhoo! I have extra been missing you since Beverly Hills started! If you have a chance, it'd be fabulous to hear a recap/opinion of the medium dinner. Yay! Welcome back!
Oh happy day! You're back!!! Please do the medium
Recap and fulfill our Christmas wish :)
Oh sweet Jesus I knew she couldn't stay away from Beverly Hills for long! Amen.