Twitter

I'm on it.  It is a repository for all of the little things that fascinate me, such as Rachel Zoe's pregnancy weight gain and Jill Zarin's unrelenting promotion of the most boring shit ever. I will probably overshare about my personal life too. Doesn't that sound fun?

 It actually feels a little bit like throwing my bra onstage, very "WOOOOOO! LOOK AT ME! I AM SMART AND COOL AND I WILL GET NASTY BACKSTAGE!"  (FYI, I'm totally down with that.)  So in honor:

 Happy Sunday.

"Well, she needed to learn some manners...."

Last night, I was on the edge of my seat watching part one of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion, waiting for the good stuff.  It never came.  Granted, I missed the last 10 minutes because the person running Comcast apparently decided to take a smoke break and things all went to pixelated frozen dvr hell.  But I did sit through 50 minutes of pretty boring.  Why can't we just skip to Cedric and alcoholism?  That's what we really want to know about, Andy Cohen.

The one thing that did interest me last night was Taylor.  I have a secret:  I have liked her up until now.  I haven't told you because I wanted to maintain my journalistic objectivity (ahem), but I thought she was basically a nice person, someone who had made some mistakes (the lips and Russell) but she wasn't denying it or digging herself deeper, she was taking responsibility and making the best of it.  Sometimes she did this by spending vast amounts of money on ridiculous things, such as jaunty pink top hats and diamond Barbie necklaces and parties for uninterested four year olds,

but sometimes she did it by volunteering.  She's also from Oklahoma and as a Kansas native, I have an inbred (so to speak) love of Midwesterners, even the ones that look pornographic while eating cotton candy.

Side note: I have had this theory all season long that her name is not really Taylor.  No one in 1970s Oklahoma names her girl-child Taylor.  I knew she was probably born a Tammy or Brenda, and when she hitched her way to sunny California, she changed her name to Taylor.  On WWHL a few weeks ago, my theory was confirmed when she admitted that her real name was Shana but that everyone called her by her last name, Taylor, so she changed her name to Taylor.  So was her name Taylor Taylor at some point?  I need this clarified if I am to sleep at night.*

ANYHOW, Taylor picked a fight with a drunk person on the finale and somehow expected things to end with hugs and Euro-kisses.  I didn't buy it but I was willing to overlook it because I blamed Lisa for manipulating Taylor Taylor into doing this disastrous thing.  But last night, Taylor was a total smirking b-hole to Kim.  I think it's a valid question, you know, asking why Taylor threatened violence--even as a joke--when she claims to come from an abusive background.   Instead of apologizing, she did this sarcastic smiling and winking thing and basically insinuated that Kim was the biggest fuck-up to ever walk the earth.

Then she looks to Kyle as if to say "can you believe this crap?"  When Kyle stares into her lap and ingores her, she says to Kyle, "maybe we should talk about her frame of mind that night."  And everyone except Taylor knows that Kyle is thinking "I can talk shit about my jittery flailing mess of a sister, but you?  You cannot."  We can all see it in a bubble over her head, this unwritten rule of families, but Taylor doesn't get the hint and now I DESPISE HER.  She may even be worse than Camille!  Well, maybe not.  Camille's pretty bad. 

I should have know, I should have known.  Many of you tried to tell me. 

I do love the Maloof, though.  She cried at the Grammer marriage montage, you guys!  She's a tender heart.

P.S.  My friend Casey sent me a link to TMZ early this morning, saying "Kim drunk at the airport!" and I was all "omg, isn't she like, 22 months pregnant?"  But of course she meant Kim Richards.  It's painful to watch, esp "do you know the name?"  Aughhhhhhhh.  Holy smokes.

Let's discuss.  Get thee to the comments. 

*Footnote 1:  This website says her name was Shana Hughes AND that Russell filed for bankruptcy in 2005.  Strange, isn't it, how "Housewives" and "bankruptcy" keep showing up together? 

Bring it, Beverly Hills

1.

"No, no, I'm good.  Really good.  But could I get a tiny shot of tequila before we start?"

2.

Lisa's dog Giggy is a regular guest on WWHL and a bona fide Bravolebrity.  Jill Zarin's dog Ginger is best known for eating boogers and being a nervous pooper.  Guess who it's KILLING?

3.  If you are still watching Real Housewives of Atlanta, or even if you have given up on it, you must read this recap. 

File under BORING

My RSS feed has changed.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, then don't worry, you will not be affected by it.  If you receive this blog via email subscription, you will not be affected.  You jus keep chillin. 

Please re-subscribe if you are an RSS subscriber.  You know who you are.  I realize that I have done this often enough that you may think I'm trying to run all of you off once and for all, but I swear it's not the case.  It's just that the facebook links to my blog are majorly effing long and redundant, and changing my feed will tidy things up.  I know you're hanging on the edge of your seat waiting for more details, but I'll save it for anther blog post entitled "Shit that will work faster than Tylenol PM."

By the way, I love it when you guys compare me to heroin and speculate that I quit the blog because I was in jail.  I am so happy to be reunited with you.  Posting may be irregular, but my amor for you is not.  Speaking of amor:

photo from here.

Who knew he was colorblind?

I am SO super duper sweaty excited for tomorrow night!

"I'm not lonely. I'm not lonely. I like being alone."

Ooooooh, Kim.  You're a good actress and everything but that's a stretch.  If not for the sobbing by yourself in the back of a limo, and your flapping panic when your kids mention leaving home, and oh--the fact that you pick up guys at the grocery store and bring them home, I might be able to believe it.  Actually not even then. 

Another flawlessly executed Housewives bliztkreig.  In the aftermath of a sneak attack and an expertly dropped bomb, Kim--smelling faintly of Love's Baby Soft and box wine--was left in a mangled soggy heap while the others ran off to smile for the camera.

Sad.  This whole episode was sad.  I cannot for the life of me figure out why Kim was on this show.  Didn't she have a friend or a manager or a SISTER who said "Hey Kim, I know you're trying to make a comeback, but maybe a reality show that thrives on the humiliation of its cast is not the best place for a emotionally fragile, unstable alcoholic such as yourself"?  I don't know, maybe Kyle did say that, and maybe when Kim's wine-soaked brain decided to give this a try, Kyle thought she could protect her.   But like Snooki's decision to leave work to do shots with strangers on the boardwalk, Kim's foray back into showbusiness was doomed from the start.

Here is your Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap:

1.  Camille.  She claims she was so uncomfortable at the Tonys, not knowing the future of her marriage, but GOD, we were the ones who were suffering.  She was staring him down so confidently in that limo, asking him to reaffirm his love for her in front of all of these people--people who probably knew months before she did that it was all over.  

What about when she told DD that later, when she went to the New York apartment and introduced herself as "Mrs. Grammer," the doorman was all "nice try, lady."  He thought some other woman was Mrs. Grammer, and this is how Camille finds out that Kelsey has been cheating.  That is rich people humiliation right there.

2.  Now I'm going to voice an opinion that I'm sure will be unpopular:  Lisa is the original shit-stirrer.  DON'T DENY IT!  She unenthusiastically invited Taylor to Villa Blanca, made a few snide remarks and then ordered Taylor to clear things up with Kim when things were already nice and buried.  Lisa knew it would only cause more problems and perhaps...just perhaps...drive Kyle away from Taylor.  Conniving, you guys.  Manipulative and conniving.

3.  So then we have Taylor's birthday party.  HOORAY!!!  Just kidding.  It is the worst fucking party you have ever seen.  The food looked delicious though, and the champagne was flowing, so it could have been a good time.  But no one--NO ONE--wants to be there, least of all Taylor and Russell.  You have never seen such a gathering of people so miserable and ready to FIGHT.  The birthday girl herself starts it when she approaches Kim and brings up guess what?  NEW YORK!  Because Lisa told her she had to do it for Kyle, and that shit hasn't been beaten to death already.  I'm starting to think that everyone's contract says "never let any argument die, no matter how stupid it may be.  Bring it up in a belligerent tone in every episode or Bravo will make everyone kiss Giggy on the lips while wearing sparkly banana clips from Adrienne Maloof's personal collection."

Taylor and Kim are busy invading each other's space, and like a insects to a bug zapper, all of the ladies run over to see if they can get in on this camera time.  Whoops, I mean--to see if they can make Kim's pearl choker pop off.  No no no, I'm sorry.  To see if they can help resolve the situation.  But they can't.  They're all just fighting and fighting and every single one of them is indignant up the ass.  Does that even make sense?  I don't even care to recall the details of this yelling party except to say that Maloof is trying to mediate and she is just waaaaaay out of her depth and I just know Andy Cohen was off-camera, shushing her.  Actually, if we're going to be honest, I was shushing her from my couch because there is nothing quite so annoying as a person trying to interrupt a fight with quotes from motivational posters. 

Kim: "...and I hate you and you and especially you."

Adrienne:  "Kim, remember to express yourself!"

So Kim ends up being the loser and tearfully goes downstairs to (probably) do a line of coke with the valet and maybe give him a bee-jay.  Meanwhile, Kyle is fuming.  She has decided that she hates Kim's drama and is going to confront her about it.  The irony, the sweet, sweet irony!  She storms down to find Kim huddled in a corner of a limo with Martin, her one-time blind date (AWKWARD), and Maloof, who is still calmly saying things like "communicate, Kim.  Nothing can be accomplished without communication."  Shutupshutupshutup!!!!

Kim tells the camera that as a child star, she supported her entire family financially.  She bought Kyle her first car, bought the family home (I think, this part was a little incoherent).  So then Kyle, who all night has been alluding to "things are so much more complicated than anyone knows...no one has any idea what I've been through with Kim...she's alone for a reason...." lets it FLY.  "After all I've done for you?!" she yells in disbelief.  And then BOOM!  Kyle screams that Mauricio has been supporting Kim "like a second fucking wife."   Ahhh, now we get it!  Kyle thinks Kim owes her, and Kim thinks exactly the opposite.  It kind of is complicated.  Huh. 

Then there is the notorious lunge across the limo and Kyle announces to the world that Kim is an alcoholic and that everyone knows it.  She tells Kim that all help is now cut off.  We all know that Kyle has been dying to say this, dying to tell everyone why she is so hard on Kim, why she worries so much, why she feels so responsible for thhis sad sack of a sister.  Probably not the best time or place to blurt it out, but it's too late.  All on film and the Bravo camera crew are whimpering and sitting on their hands to keep from high-fiving each other.  Kyle climbs back over everyone and gets out.  Kim, who is crying and cowering behind Maloof (finally speechless, thank GOD), says that what Kyle did is unforgivable.

And there you go.  In the little epilogue thing, we find out that "Kim's family checked her into rehab" and the next week, she checked herself out.  I'm no expert, but I think that this is not a good sign. 

Ready for the reunion?