"The fun is gone."
Monday, February 22, 2010 
You're just now noticing this, Vicki? Fun ditched this show a long time ago, honey. But do you see us angrily sliding out of restaurant booths and declaring "I'm out"? Do we stand outside, crying reptilian tears, waiting to be coddled and cajoled into coming back? No. We fucking man-up and WE WATCH THE DAMN SHOW. If you think it's not fun for you, the person getting paid for this nonsense, think about how it feels to be us, okay? Then you come back and talk about fun.
While Fun may be gone, Drama and Histrionics showed up for work right on time and delivered a thrilling fight. Those two keep this show afloat. Here's your Real Housewives of Orange County recap:
1. The argument that began in the last episode continues. Alexis is in the middle of lecturing Vicki, telling her that she should take responsibility for her rude behavior. "I am. You too," says Vicki, giving Alexis the most chilling smile I have seen outside of Hannibal Lecter. Gretchen and Tamra bravely speak up and admit that Vicki offends them too. Vicki goes into "FINE. FINE!" mode, not listening to a word anyone is saying. Tamra tells the camera that she wishes Vicki would stop playing the victim and defend herself. "Yes!" I hiss from the couch, fists clenched. Don't just sit there buzzing with anger and indignation, Vicki! If you think you did nothing wrong, fight back!
She has the perfect opportunity when Alexis says to her, "out of the five girls [sic] here, four of us say that you say things that are offensive sometimes." Vicki stabs her salad murderously and says "what is this, gang up on Vicki day? STOP." But does Alexis do as she is told? No, because in her mind, Vicki is an aging Goliath with jowls and Alexis is David with 800 cc implants. "Just take responsibility," she tells Vicki.
"This is not happening," Vicki says, BUT YET IT IS.
"I'm trying to help you," Alexis insists.
"You don't need to help me. I'M GOOD," Vicki answers with a withering look and you know what? Vicki scares the bejesus out of me. But not Alexis, who is used to dealing with stubborn assholes. She persists, and Vicki is in the process of LOSING IT. Let me show you:
EEK! Meanwhile, look who's trying to supress a smile:
Ha! Then Vicki does what she does best when she loses control of a situation--she bails. "I'm out," she says, as she nudges Briana out of the booth.
She makes her way outside, water in hand, where she cries and waits to be mollified. Briana stands up and defends Vicki in a I-know-my-mom's-a-bitch-but-we-were-having-a-nice-lunch-here kind of way. Briana and Tamra are the first to go fetch Vicki while Alexis inexplicably calls out to them "tell her we love her."
Outside, Briana manages to calm Vicki down. What would we do without Briana? You know Michael, her other kid, would still be at the table eating his lunch and saying "ladies, you're preaching to the choir. Any of you interested in a little game of cards?"
Unsurprisingly, everyone makes their way outside to either participate in or watch the rest of the fight. Alexis, while at first conciliatory, soon scolds Vicki thusly: "you've said a lot of naughty things to me that aren't very fun." Oh, how I hooted at this! Naughty naughty Vicki!
Meanwhile, Lynne's in the background saying "what? What was said you guys?" I am suddenly envisioning what it must have been like to sit next to Lynne in high school. Torture.
Alexis comes back to the "you don't work" comment that Vicki made at Lynne's housewarming. "You don't!" Vicki yells, "OWN IT!" To the camera, Vicki mentions the two nannies. Score one for Vicki.
Lynne: "So wait, are we still fighting about me not being strict enough with my girls?"
Alexis tries to explain that Vicki insulted everyone who was there, and Vicki denies. At this point, Alexis couldn't get her to admit that the sky is blue. Vicki heads for their limo and laments "the fun is gone" to GRETCHEN, of all people. Vicki tells the camera that what Alexis did is "unforgivable."
As Barb commented, "Poor Vicki; you're either with her or against her." For the record, I am against her. But I did like her jacket and her necklace.
2. After a commerical, Tamra and Alexis are waiting inside at the table, and Lynne, Gretchen and Briana coax Vicki back inside. Strange bedfellows INDEED.
Alexis apologizes and we hear, but do not see, the tiniest, quietest apology from Vicki. Briana's all "HELLO! I have this crap all over my neck and I'm the calmest one here!" So Alexis announces that she wants to pray for Briana and requests that everyone holds hands.
At this point, I'm thinking, "that's a nice gesture." While I'm not particularly religious, I am always touched when people say they'll pray for me. I really believe it's a lovely and kind thing to do. But what Alexis does is, uh, weird and long and more weird. Alexis prays about parting the red sea and feeding the masses and everyone feels like Lynne is looking (i.e. "wtf is going on here?"):
Na's comment sums up my feelings on the matter:
And Alexis' prayer...'I want to pray over you' 'Father God I lift Briana up to you'. Poor Briana, that prayer alone convinced God to give her cancer.
I'm down with Jesus and everything, but there are few things I dislike more than a showboat christian.
YES. (FYI, I am integrating comments because it was either that or plagiarize. Y'all are a clever group and I'm writing this late at night.)
After the prayer, Vicki says that the damage is done and Alexis is dead to her (basically).
3. At home, Tamra debriefs Simon on the San Francisco trip. He subtly insults her and tells her to stop hanging out with the other Housewives. Right, because what the two of you need right now is one less paycheck. SIGH. The stank of divorce is in the air, and I'm finding Tamra to be more likable.
4. I will not bore you with the details of Slade and Gretchen's trip to Palm Springs. All you need to know is that they all stayed in a Merv Griffin museum instead of a hotel and that Gretchen's mom Brenda is wary of Slade. Oh, and Brenda wears a glittery visor and a banana clip. Endearing to no end. Why can't Briana have a Brenda?
5. Frank is packing up the Curtin household and being pathetic. Did anyone else notice that, unless Frank is a professional packer, they obviously hired movers? That's not cheap. I would have loved to see a Uhaul pull up with Donn, Jim and Andy Cohen in wifebeaters ready to help.
6. No results from Briana's biopsy. Vicki wants to call and say "I'M HER MOTHER; GIVE ME THOSE RESULTS NOW!" but Briana says no. How totally exhausting it would be to have Vicki as your mother.
7. Tamra invites Vicki on a walk to resolve what happened in San Francisco and The Simon Issue. Vicki immediately launches into Tamra about how she doesn't defend Vicki. Re Lynne's housewarming, Vicki says "I heard it was a hatefest after I left. I would expect you to stand up for me." Who ratted everyone out like that? Andy Cohen? I do wonder.
Tamra is upfront with Vicki, telling her that when it comes to Simon, she has to side with him. When it comes to those other bitches, though, she says she's not going to stand by and listen to them rip Vicki apart (even though she did). Tamra feels caught in the middle of Vicki and the world. Nothing is resolved.
Did you see Vicki drop that f-bomb? Bravo immediately cut to Tamra's 4 year old daughter in the stroller. Nice one, Vick.
8. Alexis and Jim are having a date night. Jim's just generally being an a-hole and announces to the world how retarded Alexis is because she thinks "surf n' turf" (what Jim ordered) means lobster and steak. "Absolutely NOT" he chuckles haughtily and then defers to the waiter to have him explain, I suspect because he sees an opportunity to ridicule someone else. Let us turn to Virgie's comment for the answer:
Depending on which source you use surf and turf is defined as: Surf and turf or Surf 'n' Turf is a main course particularly common in British/Irish pubs and North American steakhouses which combines steak and seafood, typically lobster, Dublin Bay prawn, or shrimp, which may be grilled or breaded and fried.
Or
Vaginal and anal intercourse, whether sequentially by one person or simultaneously by two. Surf is for the shrimpy front, turf is the for the soil and fertilizer in the rear.
Wonder which Jim was referring to.
I think we all know the answer to that.
"Admit it," Jim demands, trying to act like it's a joke. "Admit you don't know what surf n' turf is!"
Alexis, I know that "divorce is not an option" is your marital mantra but psssst, it is.
9. Alexis and Jim invite their pastor and his wife over for breakfast because Alexis is allegedly feeling guilty about how she treated Vicki in San Francisco. Jentezen (the pastor) and Cherise (the wife) clearly don't know who the fuck these two are, but seem up for a little camera time. After some niceties, Jim asks how they deal with the pressure of being held to such high standards of behavior. Actually, it's more of a rhetorical question since Jim already knows all of the answers. Jim muses on the fact that because he calls himself Christian, people feel they can judge him by how he dresses, and by his wife's breast size and WHAT?! Did he just tacitly ask the pastor to approve his Ed Hardy wardrobe and Alexis' gigantor boobs?
Yes, I believe he did. The pastor, who has the best evangelical accent you could ever hope for, is unruffled and tells Alexis she doesn't have to dress like a nun, and that God can use her beauty to reach people He wouldn't normally reach. Cue the anon who commented "the minister should have then said to Jim: 'And God wants you to be fat-faced and unlikeable.'"
Anyhow, I think the pastor needs to be a little more specific with these two, as in "don't dress like you're auditioning for Busty Anal Cougars Part 4."
10. Lynne and Alexa visit Frank at his hotel to hash things out Curtin-style, which means using meaningless cliches and saying "what the hell?" a lot. Frank is meek and almost cowering as he answers the door and murmurs "hi girls. You look pretty. You look pretty too." You know you're in a bad place emotionally when you're afraid of Lynne. Alexa whines and cries, and Lynne says things like "this has been like a near death experience for me" and "I just want my dog to have a home." Do they even have a dog? Then Frank, financial expert that he is, announces "I feel a real family vacation coming on!" Lynne is obviously thinking "YES! Awesome idea!" but Alexa snaps everyone back to reality by calling bullshit, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY you stupid motherfuckers.
Frank promises that everything will be okay. "This is our year!" he says after the vacation suggestion doesn't go over so well. How have Lynne and Frank survived all these years? I'm not talking about their marriage, but about how they manage to stay alive from day to day without accidentally killing themselves. Forget about parting the Red Sea, Lynne and Frank are the real miracles.
That's the show. If you don't have cable, you can watch the full episode here. Next Thursday, Briana gets the results of her biopsy, Vicki is a no-show at Tamra's birthday party and Lynne contemplates divorce.
What do you think? Did Jeana take the fun with her when she left, or has it been gone for awhile? Speak up.
Reader Comments (61)
as usual, Brianna appears to be the only sane one!
Dearest Vicki, you treat others like you treated Donn last year and before. You learned a lesson from Donn now let's apply this to your life and others. I think it's called respecting others. Pretend like you get a commission or something for being a decent human being.
ok I'm in the minority but TEAM VICKI.
I am SO TIRED of this 1950's BS with these husbands running the show and dictating policy to their dirty trophy wives. At least Vicki stands up for herself, does what she wants and is allowed to have an opinion that doesn't involve wearing tiny shorts and a screaming button down white shirt (you know exactly what I'm talking about).
Go vicki!
Best moment: When Gretchens father talked about "stepping in some Slade", meaning horse dung. But we are supposed to believe that he likes Slade?
MODG: I don't think anyone--even good-natured Donn--would consider Vicki a "trophy."
I am not necessarily Team Vicki, but if my choice is Vicki or Alexis, I am Vicki all the way. Alexis is...just awful. I cannot stand her whole "I'm a Christian" shtick. Please. Stop.
And her husband? Ughhh. And that Pastor that gets on a private jet to fly to the OC?! Srsly, Jaysus would love the way you are spending your congregation's money.
Good work Vicki on calling out Alexis and her two nannies. There is little I hate worse than a mom who doesn't work, but needs a nanny...let alone two.
It is just exactly what I hate about America. But I cannot stop watching....I wonder what that says about me!
There is little I hate worse than a mom who doesn't work, but needs a nanny...let alone two.
I loathe Alexis too. BUT. Isn't there a lot of child-care that is basically janitorial/housekeeping? Or at best low-level babysitting? Duties that do not require a close blood relative? So if you have the money, why NOT hire a nanny or two to sit in the room while the kids play by themselves or nap? Why does it always have to be the Mommy doing that, or picking up the toys, or folding the kids' clothes...?
P from the D...I do it because I can and because I have my own thoughts on it.
You Frank-lovers have GOT to get ahold of yourselves. He's an effing con man! He keeps screwing up and then he's all apologetic and humble, well.... *NEWSFLASH!* ...he's going to screw up again.
Stop enabling him! Lynne is going to read all these comments and go back to him!
Plus, his hair is stupid.
I agree with P from the D. I don't get it.
Sarah, you also have your own blog.
You all realize that SGM can delete post she does not approve of right? So if SGM doesn't have a problem with Sarah's posts why do you? Put your kimono on and chill dog.
Operating in a parallel universe last night, I shoved the recap in front of my husband to read because I thought it was entertaining. He read it and later came across RHOC on tv and said, "Hey, this is that episode" and started watching. He normally loathes this show and banishes me to our second tv (black & white with rabbit ears-just kidding - but small - a 12 inch tv -I had wondered for long time about all of the skin comments but now that I watched an episode at a friend's in HD, I get it). So, SGM, your genius shines through as we watched it together.
I have to second the comment about Tamra's daughter in the stroller. Time for that kid to walk. Okay, they said she was four but seriously - Isn't it time for her first tattoo? Thinking "AMERICAN GIRL" tramp stamp.
Basically, a woman like Alexis just wanted kids to use as arm candy when she attends her mega church. It is a pet peeve of mine when people birth children they aren't interested in raising.
I too agree with P from the D and skip Sarah's recap and read the next comment.
Oh my goodness, I leave to get fitted for booty shorts and all hell has broken loose over here!
1.I love the Vicki v. Alexis debate we have going on. Just remember that no one is holding a gun to your head and it is okay to dislike BOTH of them.
2. Sarah needs to get her feelings out about RHOC but her own people don't have the appreciation and deeper understanding that we do. It's commentary, just like yours, and I very much enjoy reading her take on things. (Thanks also, Sarah, for reminding me about Lynne's little wiener dog.) Leave her be and let's focus on the real issue here, which is whether Busty Anal Cougars Part 4 was better than Busty Anal Cougars Part 3.
3. Thank you to LoveHateOrangeCounty for bringing a straight man into the fold. I think that brings our total up to 4. FYI, I used to be banished to the crappy tv too.
4. Re: the comment "Stop enabling [Frank]! Lynne is going to read all these comments and go back to him!"
(a) the thought of Lynne furrowing her brow and sounding out the words in the comments just KILLS me and
(b) it is not a stretch to think that she would divorce Frank based on blog comments.
I love all of you, really and truly.
you're the only blogger who can make me sit through a post that's longer than three sentences. i'm not sure what that says about you — or me — but i can't get enough.
@rosebud : "Pretend like you get a commission or something..."
Yup, that's probably the only thing that would work.
Booty shorts?? As in, all up in your cameltoe, booty shorts? Girrrrrrrrrl, that's gonna lead to some funk in your bidness.
If I were any of the 'ladies', I would have been pretty damn ashamed to have the 22-year-old throw up her hands, say, "Yeah, I'm not dealing with this bullshit", and put them all in their place.
BTW, I am on Team Vicki. I was on Team Vicki through the everglades and I was now. BUT. She needs to stop crying and sobbing and 'needing a lot of anchors' and acting 12. She is, as we are to believe, an amazing, ruthless, efficient, insurance company owner. She should know how to handle pressure and bullshit without bursting into little girl tears. Jesus Christ.
Also, I wish someone had snored during Alexis's prayer.
Okay... I am not a Frank Lover. It's just that you have to feel sorry for someone who lives with three Neanderthals. Even if he is a con man. Why aren't they pregnant? Survival of the fittest, baby! (or maybe they're going to be on TLC's I Didn't Know I was Pregnant next. "My mom kept telling me to work out more-- I had no idea..." And whoever said Vicki needs to stop acting like a 12 yr old... Yes! She is the epitome of the 7th grade girl crying on the playground because no one noticed her new haircut.
I love SGM'S recaps and Sarah's, as well. They compliment each other's summaries and it' s great to be able to read them both in one place. If you don't appreciate Sarah's, don't read it!
John Mayer was in Philly the other day and is trying to redeem himself!
Dansmom
I love SGM'S recaps and Sarah's, as well. They compliment each other's summaries and it' s great to be able to read them both in one place. If you don't appreciate Sarah's, don't read it!
John Mayer was in Philly the other day and is trying to redeem himself!
Dansmom