Tutorial: how to buy a Playboy
Friday, February 19, 2010 The scene: a 7-Eleven near my house. Please note that when I get nervous, I turn into a dinosaur. A loud, stomping, pea-brained dinosaur.
Clerk: Hi.
Me: HI. DO YOU SELL PLAYBOY?
Clerk: Yeah, it's right over there on the top shelf.
Me (stomping over): OKAY. THANKS.
I grab it and stomp back to the counter.
Clerk (motioning to the magazine): Who is that? She looks--
Me: THAT IS KELLYBENSIMONREALHOUSEWIVESNEWYORKCITY.
Clerk: Really? I'm surprised she did this.
Me: I'M NOT. SHE'S AN IDIOT.
Clerk: I just watched it once. That's $6.19. I don't really follow--
Me (paying): NO. SHE'S AN IDIOT. I'M JUST GETTING THIS AS A JOKE FOR SOMEONE. AND ALSO FOR THE JOHN MAYER INTERVIEW.
(I stop before I blurt out "WHERE HE SAID JESSICA SIMPSON IS SEXUAL NAPALM.")
Me (breathing heavily): I HAVE LOOKED ALL OVER TOWN FOR THIS. I EVEN WENT TO BORDERS WHERE THEY KEEP IT BEHIND THE REGISTER AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT.
Clerk (with a "please leave" look on her face): We always sell the most recent one.
ME: OKAY.
I turn bright red and stomp out the door. It's not easy to out-freak a 7-11 clerk, but I did it.
Before we get to the pics, please know that
1) My scanner broke after I scanned the first photo. Interpret that as you may. The rest of the photos were captured by my camera (so ghetto). I realize you can't read the article. You're not missing anything; it's really ass-kissy.
2) There is no guarantee as to how long I will leave these up. I don't want Hef to sue me and I feel a smidge uncomfortable about having nudie photos on my blog.
3) Once you click on the link below, you will be viewing photos that are NOT SAFE FOR WORK (or kids, for the love of Christ).
4) All right, you bitches ready? I'm going to leave all of the commentary to you. (RSS users and email subscribers click through for the link.)
Reader Comments (52)
Ghetto or not, I LOVE YOU SGM! Thank you so much cause there was no way I was going to hunt the magazine down! You are my hero!
I love how the word "Brains" is thisclose to her nipple! Uh, that's not your brain, Kel!
She is so awful! Don't go do a reality show and pose for Playboy and have your caption be "I'm a little bit shy."
BULLSHIT!!!
It's going to be even more awesome when you stomp in there to buy Danielle's Hustler spread. You know it's only a matter of months so start medicating already.
Also? That unibewb is freaking my shit OUT.
I bought it yesterday as promised. But at Borders in Texas, that is not behind the counter.
Yep. Still looks like a horse.
In an episode last year, didn't she say something about wanting to be a good example for her children?
Eew. Are the rest of the Playboy models posed like that? Why is she covering her boobs while her underwear is pulled down?
wow, keel it classy, Kelly... those poses are tacky as all get out. I'm also not quite getting the cover everything up but pull the panties down pose. wtf?
call me old fashioned but i think she looks beautiful. for a dumbass.
You are awesome, SGM. I feel like we should all chip in, though. I mean, you went through all that and THEN had to fork over $6.15?
I would like to thank Father God for you from the bottom of my heart. Amen.
I think her tits look wonky. In the first one I couldnt tell at first if that was the right or left boob. It looks oddly centered in the center of her chest while her nipple is looking at us. Then in the last pic, there are no words to describe the weirdness of the shape of her one jug that is showing. "Why did I approve that one?" is what she must be thinking now.
You are awesome. I agree about chipping in. If you set up a PayPal account I'm sure we all would be glad to share the cost w/ you as a thank you for sharing such fun. She really makes me want to hev
... oops. Heave. I meant to type heave.
There's a reason she isn't photographed straight on -- her boobs are so badly disproportionate. I think it is definately the reason she is in profile or only one boob exposed at a time. That last shot on the orange bed looks like Kirstie Alley! Don't ya think?
sgm its just not proper that you give me so much hilarity with your posts and I offer you only validation with comments that you rock. Come to my native oc and we will have skinnygirl margaritas while we discuss the skeeviness of her ex husband photographing her and that he went from Elle macpherson to loving Kelly....or maybe just her rully rully big hair.
Oh, mamacita, should we really have expected otherwise?
As for the boobs, no amount of airbrushing can turn all that Tupperware into flesh.
All I could think of was what kind of role model she is for her two daughters. Think she's trying to outnude Bethenny?
For once the subscription I get my husband to Playboy came in handy, and I was so excited to get it in the mail.He was quite confused when I snatched it from him.
Oh one more thing - she looks better in clothes. This pictorial sucks and is just strange - the faces don't match the outfits.
Did you notice that they put a question mark after brains?! Just sayin!
I totally agree that the first photo looks like she has ONE boob - Could be blurred out and reprinted in Star Magazine!
I was really expecting better photos from her ex husband they're kinda standard gross at least they could of gone all artsy on us.
layout is ugly btw...just me and my art damaged mind
but you rock for getting it and posting them!!
More like teets than tits!
I'm kind of impressed with the posing. I wondered how they were going to manage to deal with the wonky boobs....notice there is not a single frontal pose (except where her boobs and weird man stomach are covered by the pillow). it also looks like she managed to pry mariah carrey's retouncher away....if you squint it almost looks like her and the three quarter poses don't make it obvious her boobs exist in two different time zones
I was expecting so much more then.....this. Ya know..Hef has a bit more taste then this.How did he even ok these? They are just....awful!
Personally, I think the story of how SGM went and got the Playboy was more entertaining then the pictures themself. And I bet SGM blushed the whole time she was in the 7-11 too. Did ya? ROFL!