"The fun is gone."
Monday, February 22, 2010 
You're just now noticing this, Vicki? Fun ditched this show a long time ago, honey. But do you see us angrily sliding out of restaurant booths and declaring "I'm out"? Do we stand outside, crying reptilian tears, waiting to be coddled and cajoled into coming back? No. We fucking man-up and WE WATCH THE DAMN SHOW. If you think it's not fun for you, the person getting paid for this nonsense, think about how it feels to be us, okay? Then you come back and talk about fun.
While Fun may be gone, Drama and Histrionics showed up for work right on time and delivered a thrilling fight. Those two keep this show afloat. Here's your Real Housewives of Orange County recap:
1. The argument that began in the last episode continues. Alexis is in the middle of lecturing Vicki, telling her that she should take responsibility for her rude behavior. "I am. You too," says Vicki, giving Alexis the most chilling smile I have seen outside of Hannibal Lecter. Gretchen and Tamra bravely speak up and admit that Vicki offends them too. Vicki goes into "FINE. FINE!" mode, not listening to a word anyone is saying. Tamra tells the camera that she wishes Vicki would stop playing the victim and defend herself. "Yes!" I hiss from the couch, fists clenched. Don't just sit there buzzing with anger and indignation, Vicki! If you think you did nothing wrong, fight back!
She has the perfect opportunity when Alexis says to her, "out of the five girls [sic] here, four of us say that you say things that are offensive sometimes." Vicki stabs her salad murderously and says "what is this, gang up on Vicki day? STOP." But does Alexis do as she is told? No, because in her mind, Vicki is an aging Goliath with jowls and Alexis is David with 800 cc implants. "Just take responsibility," she tells Vicki.
"This is not happening," Vicki says, BUT YET IT IS.
"I'm trying to help you," Alexis insists.
"You don't need to help me. I'M GOOD," Vicki answers with a withering look and you know what? Vicki scares the bejesus out of me. But not Alexis, who is used to dealing with stubborn assholes. She persists, and Vicki is in the process of LOSING IT. Let me show you:
EEK! Meanwhile, look who's trying to supress a smile:
Ha! Then Vicki does what she does best when she loses control of a situation--she bails. "I'm out," she says, as she nudges Briana out of the booth.
She makes her way outside, water in hand, where she cries and waits to be mollified. Briana stands up and defends Vicki in a I-know-my-mom's-a-bitch-but-we-were-having-a-nice-lunch-here kind of way. Briana and Tamra are the first to go fetch Vicki while Alexis inexplicably calls out to them "tell her we love her."
Outside, Briana manages to calm Vicki down. What would we do without Briana? You know Michael, her other kid, would still be at the table eating his lunch and saying "ladies, you're preaching to the choir. Any of you interested in a little game of cards?"
Unsurprisingly, everyone makes their way outside to either participate in or watch the rest of the fight. Alexis, while at first conciliatory, soon scolds Vicki thusly: "you've said a lot of naughty things to me that aren't very fun." Oh, how I hooted at this! Naughty naughty Vicki!
Meanwhile, Lynne's in the background saying "what? What was said you guys?" I am suddenly envisioning what it must have been like to sit next to Lynne in high school. Torture.
Alexis comes back to the "you don't work" comment that Vicki made at Lynne's housewarming. "You don't!" Vicki yells, "OWN IT!" To the camera, Vicki mentions the two nannies. Score one for Vicki.
Lynne: "So wait, are we still fighting about me not being strict enough with my girls?"
Alexis tries to explain that Vicki insulted everyone who was there, and Vicki denies. At this point, Alexis couldn't get her to admit that the sky is blue. Vicki heads for their limo and laments "the fun is gone" to GRETCHEN, of all people. Vicki tells the camera that what Alexis did is "unforgivable."
As Barb commented, "Poor Vicki; you're either with her or against her." For the record, I am against her. But I did like her jacket and her necklace.
2. After a commerical, Tamra and Alexis are waiting inside at the table, and Lynne, Gretchen and Briana coax Vicki back inside. Strange bedfellows INDEED.
Alexis apologizes and we hear, but do not see, the tiniest, quietest apology from Vicki. Briana's all "HELLO! I have this crap all over my neck and I'm the calmest one here!" So Alexis announces that she wants to pray for Briana and requests that everyone holds hands.
At this point, I'm thinking, "that's a nice gesture." While I'm not particularly religious, I am always touched when people say they'll pray for me. I really believe it's a lovely and kind thing to do. But what Alexis does is, uh, weird and long and more weird. Alexis prays about parting the red sea and feeding the masses and everyone feels like Lynne is looking (i.e. "wtf is going on here?"):
Na's comment sums up my feelings on the matter:
And Alexis' prayer...'I want to pray over you' 'Father God I lift Briana up to you'. Poor Briana, that prayer alone convinced God to give her cancer.
I'm down with Jesus and everything, but there are few things I dislike more than a showboat christian.
YES. (FYI, I am integrating comments because it was either that or plagiarize. Y'all are a clever group and I'm writing this late at night.)
After the prayer, Vicki says that the damage is done and Alexis is dead to her (basically).
3. At home, Tamra debriefs Simon on the San Francisco trip. He subtly insults her and tells her to stop hanging out with the other Housewives. Right, because what the two of you need right now is one less paycheck. SIGH. The stank of divorce is in the air, and I'm finding Tamra to be more likable.
4. I will not bore you with the details of Slade and Gretchen's trip to Palm Springs. All you need to know is that they all stayed in a Merv Griffin museum instead of a hotel and that Gretchen's mom Brenda is wary of Slade. Oh, and Brenda wears a glittery visor and a banana clip. Endearing to no end. Why can't Briana have a Brenda?
5. Frank is packing up the Curtin household and being pathetic. Did anyone else notice that, unless Frank is a professional packer, they obviously hired movers? That's not cheap. I would have loved to see a Uhaul pull up with Donn, Jim and Andy Cohen in wifebeaters ready to help.
6. No results from Briana's biopsy. Vicki wants to call and say "I'M HER MOTHER; GIVE ME THOSE RESULTS NOW!" but Briana says no. How totally exhausting it would be to have Vicki as your mother.
7. Tamra invites Vicki on a walk to resolve what happened in San Francisco and The Simon Issue. Vicki immediately launches into Tamra about how she doesn't defend Vicki. Re Lynne's housewarming, Vicki says "I heard it was a hatefest after I left. I would expect you to stand up for me." Who ratted everyone out like that? Andy Cohen? I do wonder.
Tamra is upfront with Vicki, telling her that when it comes to Simon, she has to side with him. When it comes to those other bitches, though, she says she's not going to stand by and listen to them rip Vicki apart (even though she did). Tamra feels caught in the middle of Vicki and the world. Nothing is resolved.
Did you see Vicki drop that f-bomb? Bravo immediately cut to Tamra's 4 year old daughter in the stroller. Nice one, Vick.
8. Alexis and Jim are having a date night. Jim's just generally being an a-hole and announces to the world how retarded Alexis is because she thinks "surf n' turf" (what Jim ordered) means lobster and steak. "Absolutely NOT" he chuckles haughtily and then defers to the waiter to have him explain, I suspect because he sees an opportunity to ridicule someone else. Let us turn to Virgie's comment for the answer:
Depending on which source you use surf and turf is defined as: Surf and turf or Surf 'n' Turf is a main course particularly common in British/Irish pubs and North American steakhouses which combines steak and seafood, typically lobster, Dublin Bay prawn, or shrimp, which may be grilled or breaded and fried.
Or
Vaginal and anal intercourse, whether sequentially by one person or simultaneously by two. Surf is for the shrimpy front, turf is the for the soil and fertilizer in the rear.
Wonder which Jim was referring to.
I think we all know the answer to that.
"Admit it," Jim demands, trying to act like it's a joke. "Admit you don't know what surf n' turf is!"
Alexis, I know that "divorce is not an option" is your marital mantra but psssst, it is.
9. Alexis and Jim invite their pastor and his wife over for breakfast because Alexis is allegedly feeling guilty about how she treated Vicki in San Francisco. Jentezen (the pastor) and Cherise (the wife) clearly don't know who the fuck these two are, but seem up for a little camera time. After some niceties, Jim asks how they deal with the pressure of being held to such high standards of behavior. Actually, it's more of a rhetorical question since Jim already knows all of the answers. Jim muses on the fact that because he calls himself Christian, people feel they can judge him by how he dresses, and by his wife's breast size and WHAT?! Did he just tacitly ask the pastor to approve his Ed Hardy wardrobe and Alexis' gigantor boobs?
Yes, I believe he did. The pastor, who has the best evangelical accent you could ever hope for, is unruffled and tells Alexis she doesn't have to dress like a nun, and that God can use her beauty to reach people He wouldn't normally reach. Cue the anon who commented "the minister should have then said to Jim: 'And God wants you to be fat-faced and unlikeable.'"
Anyhow, I think the pastor needs to be a little more specific with these two, as in "don't dress like you're auditioning for Busty Anal Cougars Part 4."
10. Lynne and Alexa visit Frank at his hotel to hash things out Curtin-style, which means using meaningless cliches and saying "what the hell?" a lot. Frank is meek and almost cowering as he answers the door and murmurs "hi girls. You look pretty. You look pretty too." You know you're in a bad place emotionally when you're afraid of Lynne. Alexa whines and cries, and Lynne says things like "this has been like a near death experience for me" and "I just want my dog to have a home." Do they even have a dog? Then Frank, financial expert that he is, announces "I feel a real family vacation coming on!" Lynne is obviously thinking "YES! Awesome idea!" but Alexa snaps everyone back to reality by calling bullshit, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY you stupid motherfuckers.
Frank promises that everything will be okay. "This is our year!" he says after the vacation suggestion doesn't go over so well. How have Lynne and Frank survived all these years? I'm not talking about their marriage, but about how they manage to stay alive from day to day without accidentally killing themselves. Forget about parting the Red Sea, Lynne and Frank are the real miracles.
That's the show. If you don't have cable, you can watch the full episode here. Next Thursday, Briana gets the results of her biopsy, Vicki is a no-show at Tamra's birthday party and Lynne contemplates divorce.
What do you think? Did Jeana take the fun with her when she left, or has it been gone for awhile? Speak up.
Reader Comments (61)
Alexis could poison Jim, bury his body in the backyard and I doubt anyone would miss him. What a schmuck!
I started laughing out loud when I read the part about Lynn & Frank being the miracles. No joke. They are crazy. He looked like a wuss and she is always drugged up.
why the hell do you morons care what Sarah does or does not say? The more recaps the better.
Personally, I believe Vicki is in full on menopause, hence the crying jags, paranoia, and general intolerance for the human race. Vicki, dear..get yourself some Lexapro and move forward. The Curtins are perhaps THE most dysfunctional group of this whole lot...Alexa and Raquel are nothing more than the products of failed birth control. Lynn seems about as maternal as a radish and Frank just wants everyone to like him. I'd bet the farm that he suffers from ED. Slade has met his match in Gretchen's mother--she seems the type that's able to drill through the bullshit quickly and find out what you're made of. Unfortunately, in Slade's case she's just going to find more bullshit. Even I was embarrassed with Alexis' prayerfest...I thought she was going to start speaking in tongues. Father God, indeed!
That said, I can't wait for this week's episode.
To be quoted in your blog is a gift from Father God!
Gotta add this:
Last night when my husband came home from going out to dinner for work at McCormick & Schmick's I asked him if he had the Surf n Turf and started laughing. I asked him if he knew the dirty definition of Surf n Turf then I read him the definition so nicely quoted on this post. Later we were watching the Olympics and my husband said about the ice skating commentator, "I think that guy is all Turf and no Surf." The alternate Surf n Turf definition is now firmly placed in our marital communication repertoire. Thanks SGM for making this all possible!!!
Barb, never thought about Vicki being menopausal - it would explain so much. Just ask my family!
Lynn's interview with LA Times. Among other things she was basically saying that the landlady wanted a huge deposit on their rented house so she (the landlady) can get a plastic surgery herself!
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/showtracker/2010/02/real-housewives-of-orange-county-lynne-curtin-admits-shes-a-little-ditzy.html
Re. Lynn saying that the landlady wanted a huge deposit for surgery (haven't read it yet, but...)-- does it really matter WHAT the landlady was going to spend her deposit on? If you can't afford the deposit, then you're looking at the wrong piece of property to rent! Lynn is like a four year old. "But I WAAANT it!"
If that's menopause then kill me now cuz she's been tweaking for five years. I caught one of the early eps from '06 and she was actually worse in the beginning.
Every time I see that picture with "The Fun is Gone" I start laughing.