Tutorial: how to buy a Playboy
Friday, February 19, 2010 The scene: a 7-Eleven near my house. Please note that when I get nervous, I turn into a dinosaur. A loud, stomping, pea-brained dinosaur.
Clerk: Hi.
Me: HI. DO YOU SELL PLAYBOY?
Clerk: Yeah, it's right over there on the top shelf.
Me (stomping over): OKAY. THANKS.
I grab it and stomp back to the counter.
Clerk (motioning to the magazine): Who is that? She looks--
Me: THAT IS KELLYBENSIMONREALHOUSEWIVESNEWYORKCITY.
Clerk: Really? I'm surprised she did this.
Me: I'M NOT. SHE'S AN IDIOT.
Clerk: I just watched it once. That's $6.19. I don't really follow--
Me (paying): NO. SHE'S AN IDIOT. I'M JUST GETTING THIS AS A JOKE FOR SOMEONE. AND ALSO FOR THE JOHN MAYER INTERVIEW.
(I stop before I blurt out "WHERE HE SAID JESSICA SIMPSON IS SEXUAL NAPALM.")
Me (breathing heavily): I HAVE LOOKED ALL OVER TOWN FOR THIS. I EVEN WENT TO BORDERS WHERE THEY KEEP IT BEHIND THE REGISTER AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT.
Clerk (with a "please leave" look on her face): We always sell the most recent one.
ME: OKAY.
I turn bright red and stomp out the door. It's not easy to out-freak a 7-11 clerk, but I did it.
Before we get to the pics, please know that
1) My scanner broke after I scanned the first photo. Interpret that as you may. The rest of the photos were captured by my camera (so ghetto). I realize you can't read the article. You're not missing anything; it's really ass-kissy.
2) There is no guarantee as to how long I will leave these up. I don't want Hef to sue me and I feel a smidge uncomfortable about having nudie photos on my blog.
3) Once you click on the link below, you will be viewing photos that are NOT SAFE FOR WORK (or kids, for the love of Christ).
4) All right, you bitches ready? I'm going to leave all of the commentary to you. (RSS users and email subscribers click through for the link.)
Reader Comments (52)
Tim Gunn's Guide to Style? That would have really been an episode worth watching, although I'm afraid he may have killed her. Which would have made it MORE worth watching.
@Dawn --
She's up here, remember? Up here!