Tutorial: how to buy a Playboy
Friday, February 19, 2010 The scene: a 7-Eleven near my house. Please note that when I get nervous, I turn into a dinosaur. A loud, stomping, pea-brained dinosaur.
Clerk: Hi.
Me: HI. DO YOU SELL PLAYBOY?
Clerk: Yeah, it's right over there on the top shelf.
Me (stomping over): OKAY. THANKS.
I grab it and stomp back to the counter.
Clerk (motioning to the magazine): Who is that? She looks--
Me: THAT IS KELLYBENSIMONREALHOUSEWIVESNEWYORKCITY.
Clerk: Really? I'm surprised she did this.
Me: I'M NOT. SHE'S AN IDIOT.
Clerk: I just watched it once. That's $6.19. I don't really follow--
Me (paying): NO. SHE'S AN IDIOT. I'M JUST GETTING THIS AS A JOKE FOR SOMEONE. AND ALSO FOR THE JOHN MAYER INTERVIEW.
(I stop before I blurt out "WHERE HE SAID JESSICA SIMPSON IS SEXUAL NAPALM.")
Me (breathing heavily): I HAVE LOOKED ALL OVER TOWN FOR THIS. I EVEN WENT TO BORDERS WHERE THEY KEEP IT BEHIND THE REGISTER AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT.
Clerk (with a "please leave" look on her face): We always sell the most recent one.
ME: OKAY.
I turn bright red and stomp out the door. It's not easy to out-freak a 7-11 clerk, but I did it.
Before we get to the pics, please know that
1) My scanner broke after I scanned the first photo. Interpret that as you may. The rest of the photos were captured by my camera (so ghetto). I realize you can't read the article. You're not missing anything; it's really ass-kissy.
2) There is no guarantee as to how long I will leave these up. I don't want Hef to sue me and I feel a smidge uncomfortable about having nudie photos on my blog.
3) Once you click on the link below, you will be viewing photos that are NOT SAFE FOR WORK (or kids, for the love of Christ).
4) All right, you bitches ready? I'm going to leave all of the commentary to you. (RSS users and email subscribers click through for the link.)
Reader Comments (52)
The one boob shot in the beginning was a little ugh...upon reviewing the photos, all I can think of is Ramona is those previews asking if Kelly's boobs were fake "because there's one going this way and the other one that way"
SGM - THANKS for taking one for the team. Reminds me of the time my friend Jill & I convinced our friend J to buy us copies of Playgirl when David Duchovney was on the cover. It was in San Francisco and we told him it wouldn't be a big deal for him, a gay man, to buy Playgirl.
If we lived in the same city, I'd totally buy you a drink SGM!
Is it supposed to be a dominatrix theme? I thought Playboy was more girl next door. Maybe that's Gilles talking.
Oh my god - thank you for braving 7-11 and Hef litigation to share this with us. She is such a skank (She does have a smoking body so good for her) but no less skanky.
Man, you bitches is tough! I am most def not letting you know when my nudie pix are published.
Oh, there are just no words. None. For once in my life, I am speechless. As others said, is that first photo a pic of her right or left teet? Ugh! She just needs to stop! Did Playboy think that this would help them out of their bankruptcy hell???? Raise your standards, Hef!
I couldn't get past the 2nd photo. Ugh.
I like her look. She's got a late-1960s vibe going on, kind of reminiscent of Barbarella.
Yes, I know she has an IQ of 45.
Mitchelll, when are you going to start a blog? You're SGM's breakout commenter.
Seriously? No beaver shots? I was hoping she'd wax her bush into the shape of a horseshoe.
Boob 1 to Boob 2: "that's why I'm up here and you're down there".
Omg I don't like it. Every way she turns, her nip keeps coming around to look at me. I'm freaked. I'm going to see kelly bensimons areola in my dreams, always popping up in unexpected places, chirping, "hi! Hi! Oh, cute-hi!"
Agreed...love the storiy more than the pics. I am not sure what I was expecting...but not impressed.
Ya know, Playboy usually has better backgrounds and props. This looks low-rent and cheap. She doesn't deserve any better, though, when you think about it. I don't know how Hef approved these either. It looks crappy. I can't wait to hear Ramona's uber-religious stance on this. It's gonna show just what a suck up and hypocrite Ramona is if she DOESN'T address this in some way, at some point. She tore Alex a new one for her photos, and those weren't even in Playboy. Can't. Wait. SGM, you are many kinds of awesome for doing this, and like everyone else, I agree that your story was better than the pictorial. :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I haven't laughed til I cried in awhile. Great writing...you are crazy funny. The photos...just plain old sad.
I bet that Kelly and Alex will star in a pictorial together next. :) Maybe with Simon in the middle? ROFLMAO!!
I love that you photographed them with your camera, that is dedication.
Why is she hugging a pillow with her underwear like that? I'm confused.
Lets get this straight- she doesn't look bad. not one bit. Her face actually looks pretty. But, it makes me HIGHLY uncomfortable to look at her naked, and Im no prude. The one with the top on- I cant even look at that one.
Also, I was shocked when I saw the entire playboy, because the WHOLE magazines looked really cheap and poorly made to me. My husband actually bought it for me. I couldn't believe how crappy the production was.
Everything I went through to get this Playboy was worth it for these comments! I should buy one every month and do a regular report. JUST KIDDING. Although it is only $12/yr for a subscription...
I think Kelly looks pretty hot, but I agree with those of you who said that the setting looked cheap and amateurish. Kind of a circus- meets-60s-mod-dominatrix type theme. Or Barbarella. Same thing.
I like to interpret the "Brains? Meet beauty" subtitle as "Brains? This is Beauty, aka Kelly Bensimon. I don't believe you two have been introduced..."
Perhaps at the same time brains and beauty are introduced, someone could introduce her left and right boobs to each other as well.....
Barbarella, with a little early Racquel Welch. I think she's smokin', and the photographer did his best with with the mis-matched boobs.
The styling reminds me of those Calvin Klein teen-porn commercials--the ones that looked like they were made in '70s-style basement rec rooms.
ECH! I just threw up a little in my mouth...BUT, you and this blog are amazing! THX!
Stop throwing up in your mouth, it's really disgusting.
And why is it always "I threw up A LITTLE" in my mouth?
Anyway: Played out. Find a new place to vomit.
OK. Seeing as I just had a baby and am desperate to get my post-baby body back, I am slightly in awe at how amazing her body looks after two children and in her 40s. That said, WTF is with that belt strap-looking "bra", and did she have a one-tit-only clause in her contract, or is a full-frontal topless shot just considered less classy? Finally, you are my f'ing HERO for going through the trouble to snag a copy at 7-11 and photograph these with your camera!! It is SO much more apropos to post photos of the mag, as opposed to actual scans! Heart you so, my friend:)
Kelly has a blog on Bravo's site talking about Fashion Week. I just had to share this quote: "As I left the tents, I ran into Tim Gunn. I was originally supposed to be on a fashion TV show with him before I was asked to ignite the 2nd season of RHNYC." Who knew she was asked to ignite the show? Thank God made the right choice.