When you preach about healthy living...

it always comes back to bite you in the abs.

Photo from Jackie Warner's 40th birthday party via dlisted. Thanks to Jimmy O for alerting me to it.

"Thank God it's over!"

That quote is from me, referring to many, many things in the season finale of Work Out, the most obvious being that we will all get a well-deserved break from its uber-haughty star, Jackie Warner.

Endings were the theme last night . . . as well as new beginnings. Aw! And hypocrisy. Don't forget the hypocrisy! Here's what you need to know from the season finale:

1. The show opens with Jackie waiting to see her therapist, Dr. Shirley, for a couple's counseling session with Briana, her girlfriend of 4 months. Okay, 1) you're going to counseling after 4 months? and 2) how many gd girlfriends has Jackie taken to therapy? I know she took Mimi from season one. Did she take Rebecca? (remember that now--Jackie dated her employee Rebecca during season two). If Jackie doesn't already get some sort of group rate, she should ask for one.

The issue is that Jackie was looking through Briana's phone and found an "I love you" text from an ex-girlfriend. You know, the ex from 4 months ago, the one whose house Briana moved out of in order to move in with the Jackie (within 24 hours of their first date)? So anyway, during this session, Briana is being surprisingly mature and upfront about her feelings. Jackie's acting like an asshole. I kept waiting for Dr. Shirley to call her on it but she never does, just all of this blah blah blah about communication being a skill and it's not overrated, it's a skill. Personally, I think Dr. Shirley knows an excellent client when she sees one so she just spouts random phrases from Psych 101 and sits back and waits for Jackie to fuck up her next relationship.

Bravo has no photos from this episode, so I'm improvising. Dr. Shirley's office looks like this--very shabby chic, which is a weird vibe for a therapist's office.

The impression I want to leave you with (I'm setting up the hypocrisy part) is that Jackie is wicked pissed that Briana was in contact with an old girlfriend. Jackie can't even look her in the face, she's so angry.

2. At home, Jackie starts playing mind games with Briana. This is how it went down.

Jackie (sad voice, not making eye contact): What are you doing tonight?
Briana: Probably read and go to bed I don't know, why are you asking?
J: Oh, I thought I'd go to a movie
B: By yourself?
J: Well, yeah, unless you want to go too.
B: Are you inviting me or would you rather have some time alone?
J: Whatever you want. It's up to you. Do you want to go?
B: I will if you want to be with me, but it sounds like you want to be alone.
J: Whatever. You can come if you want to but I'd rather go alone.

This is what a real therapist would call Crazy-Making! Get out, Briana!

Then there's more of this kind of conversation regarding where Briana will stay during this troubled time. Jackie leaves for her movie, and before Briana leaves to spend the night at a friend's house, she writes a tearful note to Jackie. When Jackie comes home, she reads it, then tosses it out without emotion, as if it were a piece of junk mail from 24 Hour Fitness. Cold!

3. Now for the hypocrisy. JACKIE calls REBECCA and Jesse to discuss how Briana has totally betrayed her. Wait, wait! It gets better! Later on in the show, Rebecca is having dinner at Greg Plitt's with Renessa when Jackie calls her and says "come over now to talk more about my relationship problems."

Rebecca BAILS on Renessa and Greg right before dinner is served to run on over to Jackie's. She tells the camera how Jackie is "smart, sexy and strong" and how their "chemistry is unparalleled." Then she drifts off into "I know what it's like to go through a break-up and wanted to offer Jackie my support."

So let's review: Jackie's pissed at Briana for receiving a text from an ex. Jackie invites an ex over to her house to discuss Briana being in touch with her ex. WTF, Jackie? Do you see the irony here? DO YOU? Quite frankly, you need to be bitchslapped. Pronto. I'd be more than happy to do the honors.

4. Back to the dinner at Greg Plitt's. Renessa was originally the only one invited but asked Rebecca to come along since Rebecca's been down in the dumps after a break-up (this time with a penis). Greg is lovely enough to fix them dinner, which is described by both Renessa and Rebecca as mayo, butter and a pound of salt on a little bit of halibut. They made faces of disgust, but I'm telling you right now, it looked fucking delicious. It was all golden brown and crispy; my mouth is watering just thinking about it. Rebecca and Renessa are ingrates! With food issues!

After Rebecca bolts, Renessa and Greg eat dinner in awkward silence and each tell the camera that they don't have anything in common besides that one time they slept together.

5. The Skylab reveal! This is like Extreme Makeover, Jackie Warner-style. All of the Skylabbers (participants in Jackie's 6 week boot camp) come out one by one in front of all of the trainers to show how fab they look. And they do look fab. Tears are shed by all (except me). Call me Debbie Downer, but I'm worried that they all lost the weight too fast. 30 lbs in 6 weeks? What's going to happen when there's no food service bringing every meal to your door? When hunka-hunka Greg Plitt doesn't offer to come work out with you? Good luck, Skylabbers.

6. In a final scene, Briana brings Jackie roses at her office. Jackie actually smiles and makes eye contact. There's more mind-fuckery by Jackie ("what do you want?" "I want to stay together." "What does that mean?" etc.) Briana leaves without anything being resolved and Jackie immediately gets stony-faced and picks up the flowers. I thought she was going to trash them. I waiting for her to trash them! But she just places them on her credenza.

And that's a wrap! R.I.P., Season 3.

Epilogue: Jackie and Briana broke up and Jackie was seen with L Word actress Liz Keener. Hey Liz, see you in Dr. Shirley's office in Season 4!

"I don't know if Jackie is used to seeing weiner in tight shorts..."

Mmmm, I love the word weiner! Not used nearly enough, if you ask me. The quote above is from Gregg Not Plitt, who is pictured below dressed as a very effeminate, jazzercize-is-my-life gay man. Why? Because he was forced to tryout for Jackie's workout dvd and didn't give a shit whether he made the cut or not. Plus, I suspect he's tired of being "the other Greg" and was looking for a little attention.

Well done, Gregg Not Plitt, but I have to tell you that I got even more pleasure from Greg Plitt's comment "he looked like a black Richard Simmons." So true, and just like that, Greg Plitt directs the spotlight back to him.

Here's what you need to know about this week's Work Out.

1. The show opens with Jackie's dvd producer and choreographer waiting to meet with her. Jackie's running late, and so the producer and the choreographer use that time to talk about how Jackie has no idea the work that's involved in the dvd. Then we see the producer about to leave, explaining that Jackie is 1 1/2 hours late. The producer is highly annoyed, and who wouldn't be? At that moment, Jackie struts in, no apology is offered, and she's totally not prepared for the meeting. To the camera, she says something like "I'm 20 minutes late; deal with it." Twenty minutes? LIAR. I believe the producer's 1 1/2 hour estimate on this one. Then Jackie blah blah blahs about how busy and important she is and no has ever been so busy and important in the history of the world. Jackie, this argument might hold some weight if you were, say, Barack Obama or even Posh, but you own a motherfucking gym. You agreed to do a one hour workout dvd in exchange for a lot of cash money, probably way more than you deserve. Please shut your piehole and do it, or else give the money back.

2. Okay, now here is an exclusive scoop for you all. Maybe. I think Rebecca has recently had a boob job. Compare:

Granted, they are different angles, but she looks like she's gone from A cup to C cup. My discerning eye tells me that that's not just an excellent padded bra. I googled this issue and got nothin'. What's up, Rebecca? You can tell me. Unlike your co-worker Lisa, I will not talk shit about your implants behind your back. I will do it openly, on this blog (and to be honest, I would not talk shit at all because I think they look pretty fabulous).

3. Speaking of that hellbeast Lisa! She walks into Jackie's office to ask for time off during a really hectic week. "Why?" asks Jackie. Lisa is reluctant. Jackie finally drags it out of her: Lisa is having lipo. Lisa, a regular-sized woman, who has access to a state-of-the-art gym and trainers and has been encouraged to work out during her workday, is getting LIPO. Jackie goes off! She tells the camera that Lisa's fat issues could 100% be taken care of with exercise and that she's just lazy. She then warns Lisa that it will mess up her body and that she will get fat in places she never imagined. Lisa gets whiny and tries some baby-talk flirting with Jackie but it doesn't work. You can tell Jackie is disgusted, and so am I. Jackie, why haven't you FIRED this bitch? I will temp for you for awhile if that's what it takes. Just get this shiftless, trouble-making fucktard off the show!

That's Lisa in the pink bandana, by the way. Apparently she can't even be bothered to wash her hair for work. LAZY.

4. The filming of the dvd! The producer and choreographer want Jackie to do aerobics and dancing. This is very funny to Jesse, and to me. Jackie calls it "very 80s" in a condescending tone and declines. They eventually get a more strength-type of workout filmed, with many snarky and hilarious remarks from Jesse. Here's a secret--I'm dying to try this workout. It's On Demand for those of you who have cable.

5. I think I have a crush on Renessa (above, with Jackie). I don't like it when she talks, but I love her hair and I think she has a very toned yet feminine physique. Don't get all excited; she's not my bonus lesbian pick or anything, but I do think she's hot.

6. Jackie snoops through the phone of her young live-in girlfriend with the fried hair, Brianna. Jackie finds out that Brianna has been texting an ex after Jackie explicitly asked her not to. Uh oh! Brianna's in trouble with the boss! From the looks of the preview for next week, Brianna's days on the gravy train are numbered.

7. JD goes on a blind date (set up by Jesse) and all goes well. At the end of the night, he divebombs his date with a passionate overly-toungue-y kiss, and I swear the camera and the spotlight are 6 inches away from them. Then JD breaks it off suddenly and darts away into the night. It was weird.

The Work Out season finale is next Tuesday! See you then (or maybe a little later. You know.)

Have a spectacular weekend!

Are you waiting on edge for my Work Out recap?

Yeah, I didn't think so, but it's coming whether you like it or not! (that's what she said.) I've only watched half of it and highlights include Jackie being busier and more important than anyone else in the whole world, my developing crush on Renessa, and more reasons to despise--and I mean really loathe--Lisa the fucking idiot hypocrite ass-face receptionist. I'll explain more tomorrow.

I will leave you with this nightmare-inducing photo of Greg Plitt and Sally Kirkland from last week, when they engaged in a really icky yoga session together. It reminded me of that Eddie Murphy-Eartha Kitt scene in Boomerang, except Greg looks pretty into it, don't you think?

Sweet dreams, children!

The Mean Girls Show, starring Ramoner

If you are lucky enough to be at home, a Real Housewives of NYC marathon is going on right now, and it will culminate in the RHNYC Lost Footage episode later tonight. Stick around for Work Out, if you are so inclined.*

I leave you with a question from Ramoner's blog and my response:

At times I feel like I am on "The Mean Girls Show". Its [sic] like they all decided to target and pick on me. How bad can I really be if I raised such a special daughter and have a wonderful husband of sixteen years?

Ramoner, I know that you probably intended the question "how bad can I really be?" to be rhetorical, but how about those 1041 people who answered? Wow. Most everyone was in agreement that you needed a mild tranquilizer and extra-intensive therapy sessions. Hmmm. I think they may have a point.

Also, using the word "special" to describe a person is so generic and meaningless, not to mention LAME. I have nothing to back that up, it's just how it is. Avery deserves better. Speaking of Avery and her "specialness," the verdict isn't in just yet. While she seems to be okay, Avery has plenty of time to turn insane and I'm sure that exploiting her on this show will speed up the process. As for why Mario is sticking around--well, 1) it's because of Avery and 2) in the words of the sage Mamacita, "he's fucking everything that moves." Hope that answers your question.

Can't wait to see you serve up some more crazy tonight!

* The RHNYC Lost Footage episode will be covered on this blog, and Work Out will not (unless something really crazy goes down) because it is an inferior show. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Jackie Warner.