Can You Handle It?

Yet another gd post about a Bravo reality show (and also this photo of MK and VB chumming it up--love it)? This one is about Christian's win on Project Runway, and how terribly annoying my husband was during the final episode. My husband deserves a name, don't you think? Let's call him The Jock for now.

Scene 1: Christian's show

SGM: Ooooooh! Ooooooooooh!

The Jock: Please. You would not wear that in a million years. That's crap. I could do better. Get me a sewing machine!

SGM: Ooooooh, I love the hats.

The Jock: You just want him to win because you like his personality. If you didn't know whose clothes these were, you would hate them. Is Rami gay? If you were a lesbian, would you do Posh? Would you do Heidi?

SGM: So much black, but I like it!

The Jock: Seriously, would you do Posh? Why are there so many feathers? Everything has FEATHERS! No one wears feathers in real life! This is such bullshit! Blah blah blah....

Scene 2: Christian is announced as the winner

The Jock: Blah blah blah! blah blah blah blah FEATHERS!

SGM: Would you please be quiet for 5 seconds so I can hear?

The Jock: BLAH! Blah blah blah [for the next five minutes].

I didn't hear any of the exchange between Christian and Victoria Beckham, and I really didn't get to experience any of the pleasure of Christian winning because of the constant yammering in my ear. Good for you, Christian! I really did like your collection best, even if I wouldn't wear an ombre feather gown in real life. Did anyone else feel like VB was struggling to find descriptive words during the critique part? I remembered that she has never read a book in her life and I kind felt sorry for her with her canned little phrases.

One more thing--everyone was raving about Rami's woven pieces:

but they reminded me too much of this

and that made me feel

My undying gratitude to Petunia Face for this lovely photo

April 3 is Unacceptable

[SGM, in a bikini top and cut-offs, screaming drunkenly in a Jersey accent]

"Listen up, you NBC mother-[bleepers]! I had to find out through a [bleeping] commercial that my regular Thursday night line-up won't [bleeping] resume until April 3? What a bunch of [bleeping bleeps]! Who's in control, you or the [bleeping] writers who [bleep] your tranny asses every night? April 3 ain't doing it for me, o-[bleeping]-kay? If I don't get some real [bleeping] tv soon, I will beat your [bleeping bleep] so hard that you will be begging me to let you clean the [bleeping] toilets on the set of Flavor of Love 3."*

*Note to NBC: This is what happens when real tv shows are taken away and one has no choice but to watch reality tv all of the time. I learned how to do some serious incoherent trash-talking, binge drinking and boobie-flashing while you sat around in your cushy offices "negotiating." You have created this monster, and if The Office and 30 Rock do not resume by March 13, I will come to your offices and go white-trash nutty on all y'all.

As Vanessa from A Shot at Love (pictured above) said during an interview in Episode 5, "just [bleeping] respect me" (I know I bashed this show previously, but I needed to make a point about gross reality tv and nothing is more gross (grosser?) than A Shot at Love).

Is no one going to mention it?

How Tim Gunn said "effing" on Project Runway's Chris-Rami showdown the other night? As in "that's a heavy effing coat," Rami?

If the cameras were off, do you think he would have said "Rami, this f*cking coat looks like it's made of f*cking lead. What the f*ck were you thinking? Make it f*cking work!"

I'll settle for effing. Much more gentlemanly, and just another reason to love him with all of my heart.

p.s. Speaking of effing: Blogger, what the eff is your problem? I can't handle the spacing problems.

Are you watching enough reality tv?

I'm worried that you're not. Getting ahead in the business world (and life in general) means being able to use cultural references and speak about them intelligently. You cannot do this without being well-versed in reality tv. For example, imagine having dinner with some important clients when the subject of restraining orders and Kristy Jo (Rock of Love 2) comes up. You'll need to understand and contribute to what is being said.* It could be the difference between a cubicle and a corner office, or as reality tv watchers would say, the difference between that idiot Kendra from The Girls Next Door and Tim Gunn on Project Runway.

Are you concerned that you didn't fully understand that last sentence? Don't worry. I have a short quiz that will determine whether you are deficient in your reality tv viewing.

REALITY STAR IDENTIFICATION QUIZ

1. Give yourself 1 point for identifying this woman by name, and 1 point if you think she is too cute to be with that dude who got her knocked up.

2. One point for this man's first name. Hint: he's a douche and he has an awful accent, yet I'd probably do him if I were single.

3. One point for first name, another point for last name. Hint: look for him to be on Celebrity Rehab 2. Just kidding, Jeffrey (oops! freebie for you), and I would totally wear your clothes if I could pull off the rocker chick look in the 'burbs.

4. For most of you, this will be an easy one. One point for her first name and one point (to be awarded in the future) if you can predict when her marriage will end. For the record, I hope it's not anytime soon. I'm rooting for you, girl!

5. One point for identifying this guy by name. Give yourself another point if you find him crazy attractive even though he's mean and unattainable (gay).

6. Give yourself one point for identifying him by name. Also give yourself a point if you at least said to yourself "Oh! I know him. He's that little person on that TLC show who was arrested for drunk driving and I can't wait to see how that shit went down!"

7. One point for her first and last name, another point if you can tell me whether her first name starts with a "K" or a "C." Hint: she's the mama of the massive badonkadonk.

8. Last one! One point if you know her (stage) name; minus one point if you have watched her show. I am not one to judge a person's tv watching, but really. You should not be watching this ode to Jerry Springer. It is beneath you.

Congratulations! You have completed your testing. Answers are as follows (don't cheat because you're only cheating yourself):

1. Kat Von D from LA Ink

2. CT from The Real World, Paris and countless Real World-Road Rules challenges.

3. Jeffrey Sebelia, Project Runway Season 3 villain and winner.

4. Lauri Waring from Real Housewives of Orange County.

5. Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out.

6. Matt Roloff from Little People Big World.

7. Kris (Kardashian) Jenner from Keeping Up with the Kardashians. With a "K," just like the rest of the women in her family.

8. Tila Tequila. A link is not necessary.

Scoring:

There are 13 possible points.

If you scored anywhere from 10 - 13, congratulations! Are you the CEO of your company yet? Your reality tv knowledge is excellent.

If your score was below 10, don't be discouraged; I can help! You could really benefit from my upcoming post "The Essential Guide to Reality TV Watching."

So? How well did you do?

* An appropriate thing to say in this situation would be "she looks normal but she is one crazy bitch! Why is Brett keeping her around?" You can say "bitch" if the setting is casual, but use your own judgment. Another option would be to say "bleep."

Couple Things

Do you see how I brought my two subjects together? Swimming suits and Scott Baio.

1. All right. When I was young and single, I was a member at a downtown gym with a steam room in the ladies locker room. Everyone steamed naked. No big deal, that's just how it was.

Fast-forward 10 years later. I walk into the steam room at my new suburban gym and everyone has towels on. In fact, it is a posted rule that towels or swimming suits must be worn in the steam room. Is this weird? I think it's weird.

2. Scott Baio, will you please please get a grip? You act like you are the first person in the history of mankind to ever be nervous about marriage and kids. Tonight, when you almost fainted during your tour of the labor and delivery ward? I had to turn the channel, I was so embarrassed for you. You can take the kid out of drama but you can't take the drama out of the kid, eh Chachi? You're 46. Stop this televised pity party and get some dignity, man.