I may never get off the couch again

Everyone has totally already scooped me on this, but I thought you needed to hear it from me too. According to everyone in the whole gd world, Bravo is bringing back Real Housewives of Orange County for a fourth season, Real Housewives of NYC for a second season and there will be a new Housewives series set in New Jersey.* !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also coming back: Flipping Out 2 (woo hoo!), Project Runway 5 (before it moves to Lifetime) and Tim Gunn's Guide to Style 2 (before he moves to Lifetime too, and Tim, please tell me that you've ditched Veronica Webb). Project Runway 5 will premiere in July, but no word on when the others are going to air.

New shows include that awful Date my Ex, featuring poseurs Jo and Slade from Real Housewives of Orange County and a Rachel Zoe reality show.

Stockpile your food, clear your schedules--or better yet--quit your job, because there's a whole lotta tv watchin' to do!

*Someone tried desperately to tip me off to this in the comments of the Real Housewives NYC finale post, but I thought it was a joke--a hilarious joke. I mean, really! The accents! I may be forced to watch this show through closed captioning.

Reunion Round-Up

George bowling for dollars in Season 2. Just thought it was a funny picture.

All right, here's the Real Housewives of Orange County Season 3 reunion commentary, shotgun style:

1. Tamra's hair. I wasn't crazy about it.

2. Lauri said that there's a "huge misperception" about the amount of plastic surgery they've all had. Yeah, if you have fakey double Ds and admit to having botox and restylane a regular basis, people are going to assume that. It's just ignorance, Lauri.

3. I wish Bravo would have shown us Quinn's new bod. Not fair to say she's lost 22 lbs and then not show it. And Quinn's boobs are fake?! Huh. I didn't know that implants could be made to look like authentically saggy like that.

4. Tamra with her comments about "you nasty little woman" to Quinn and "picturing Vicki juggling Don's balls"--I love you, Tamra, but you need to get a filter. Actually, the Quinn comment was fine, but Vick was having a serious talk about the state of her marriage. I know you were nervous about the reunion, but no need to interrupt Vicki's moment.

5. Did you see Vicki's veins in her neck pop out when see viewed the clip of Don calling her a "lying sack of dogBLEEP" ? I'm afraid that when you're discussing the possible end of your marriage on national tv, it's pretty much over. Go in for the kill, Jeana! Just kidding. Vicki's your friend. Give it a couple of months.

6. Lauri commenting that her son, Josh, is a waiter and just bought an Audi. An Audi. That's an important fact to relate about your recovering addict son, don't you think?

7. Frankie the designer was a fan of the show who emailed Jeana? And they became BFFs? I had no idea. Crazy.

8. Jo! What's up with the vest with the nappy-furred hood? You look like you just stopped by after getting a mani-pedi and a Big Gulp. SO MANY fake smiles from the rest of the cast during Jo's appearance. You could put a gun to my head and I still would not watch her show.

I could have easily hosted this show. Bravo, I'm available for the next season! Let's talk!

A Group Hug for All (except you, Jo)

Good afternoon, my friends! Let's get to the recap of (well, mostly commentary on) the season finale of Real Housewives of Orange County.

1. Lauri's therapy session with Josh: Lauri, why do you make this kid's life even worse by forcing him to air his problems on national television? I can tell that you really love him, but why would you sit him down in front of the harsh glare of spotlights to talk about his deepest feelings? That would send me running back to the crack pipe in no time.

I must admit though, I shed a tear during this segment. We all have problems, you know?

The one good thing that came out of this was that I think I can confirm that Lauri has had corrective surgery on her cleft palette. Or it could be the case that copious collagen injections to her upper lip gives the impression of a repaired cleft palette. Opinions on which one it is?

2. Quinn's alter ego "Roxy": I don't even want to write about this, I was so grossed out. But did anyone else think that Billy didn't recognize her for the first 60 seconds he was trying to pick her up? I could have recognized her dangling bosom from a mile away, but Billy? Not so sure about that.

Good for you for breaking up with him. I couldn't take any more of your desperation. Chill, Quinn, on the manhunt.

3. Lauri's wedding: Lauri, I owe you an apology. I predicted that your third wedding would be an inappropriate and gross display of George's wealth. But you know what? I thought it was beautiful and not at all tacky (except for maybe the pink lighting in the tent, but who can tell without being there in person). You are entitled to have a big ol' fancy party to celebrate your love. I was also pleasantly surprised at how chaste your wedding kiss was. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, girl.

Enough of the warm fuzzies--was she eating the ENTIRE time she was getting ready? I guess that's good; she's so skinny and I suppose she didn't want to pass out putting on that big gown. And did you all like Lauri a little better after seeing how normal her family is? I liked her even more for not feeling obligated to invite Quinn.

So is Ashley getting the car or what? And what was the budget for this shindig?

4. Tamra Barney: You weren't really on this show much, but I must mention you because I finally saw your 40th bday party episode, and I would love to be your friend in real life. I am delighted to no end when you grab people's boobs, and I just think you've got a great sense of humor. (Note: I put Tamra's full name here so that when she googles herself, she can read this post and email me. Hi Tamra!)

5. Vicki and her "issues": Vicki, you must see a therapist asap regarding your jealously and control issues (but I beg of you, have the dignity to not do it on tv). I have never heard more insincere complimenting nor seen more forced smiling in my life than on the last 2 episodes. Also, when your daughter has to cut you off (at Jeana's party), that's a bad sign. And Don? I think he needs to be with Jeana. Despite all of this, I like you Vicki. Pull your shit together.

6. Jeana's party: All right, this is getting long so I'll wrap it up. This party probably cost as much as my wedding. Sushi and an open bar for what looked to be 125 people (well, that's what my wedding was)? Good lord. And back to Vicki--how high maintenance can she get? She drank her signature drink, a "blue cheese stuffed olive dirty martini." Holy Jesus. You know Jeana had to order the olives special for her.

My special message to Jo: you suck. You suck beyond comprehension. You act like a 16 year old who is trying to get the attention of the popular boys. My girl Tamra agrees, too and so does Ashley. I love how this show is edited so that we are able to witness every innuendo concerning the travesty that is Jo and her music career.

All right, if you've made it this far, then congratulations. Overall, the show wrapped up nicely and I was quite pleased with the finale. I'd love to hear your takes--fire away!

EDIT: Yummy gossip on Housewives' real estate (and info about Slade too--I always wondered how he could afford that house, Jo, and the obnoxious Hummer. Turns out, he can't!). Thank you, Paloma of La Dolce Vita for the most excellent tip!

Do I even need to remind you

Ah, the sweet innocence that is Lauri

that the wedding of Lauri and George will be broadcast tonight? Even if you haven't watched one episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, you can still tune in for countless examples of plastic surgery "afters" and the inappropriate lavishness of a third wedding.

Burning questions (cue the organ music): Will Quinn be invited, and if so, will she "release the beast" on the dance floor? Will Ashley receive a car for being Lauri's maid of honor? Will Lauri's son Josh ruin the wedding with his "poor choices" or will Lauri ruin it with her poor parenting? Am I a total loser for loving this show?

I'm planning to post a recap tonight/tomorrow,* so if you don't want to know about the finale, don't come around here. Also, if anyone wants to do a write-up on the kids and the royally fucked-up futures that await them, please let me know and I'll happily link to you.

*Maybe. It depends on how pathetic I'm feeling.

Winner winner chicken dinner!

Congratulations to my husband, the winner of the Real Housewives of Orange County Recap Contest! He was the only one who submitted an entry before the deadline, which was admittedly very tight. His entry was verbal and went something like this:

Tamra's husband is so cheesy. He got her a $40k Rolex. And he bought a yacht with his partner. He must own that dealership. Do you know how he gave her the Rolex? Is there a lingerie line called Juicy or something? Are you sure? Because he said that the Juicy panties would fit in this little box and then she opened it and it was the Rolex. And do you know what Tamra said? She said that Simon is the horniest guy she's ever met and that he can't sell cars without having sex, SO THEY HAVE SEX EVERY DAY.

Then he looked at me pointedly. That's it. He only watched 10 minutes and turned it into a ploy for more sex, which is against the contest rules. He is therefore disqualified.

The new winner is Katiedid! She had the most complete recap, which was submitted via the comments:

Tamra DID get a 40K Rolex to replace her 30K Rolex, but only after her hubby felt her up in front of all of the party guests. Payback. Vicki looked like she was choking on the ice cube from her champagne (I know...ice in your champagne is sooo klassy!) after she realized SHE did not even have a rolex. (BTW she may be trading her hubby in for a yunger model who will shower her with rolexes...stay tuned!)
Laurie has hired a psychotherapist to whip her errant druggy son into shape so he won't ruin her wedding. The therapist has, what, two days to "fix" him? Good luck! If the therapist can do it, she should take a whack at Brittany!
Then there is poor Quinn. I did not realize what a devout born-again Christian she is. She is very worried about saving the soul of her non-Christian boyfriend Billy, but has decided it can wait until after her sex-romp weekend in Vegas.

Next week: Lauri's wedding!

I especially loved the part about Vicki's ice cube and Lauri's son being magically fixed before the wedding. Oh, and the walking contradiction that is Quinn. Thank you, Katie! Please email me with your address and shirt size: scentedglossymagazines@gmail.com

Honorable mentions go to Habitually Chic, who has realized that it takes a bit of masochist to watch this show; Brilliant Asylum, who pointed out the essence of Tamra (money over manners); and Kids Got Hitched for her general enthusiasm about the show and her observation that Quinn is a snoozefest.

My next event will a be caption contest for this picture:

Just kidding. But you know that horse is thinking something.

Tiara photo courtesy of damselfly58