Dear Harvard,

Hi! You have probably heard of me--I'm the (unofficial) new cast member of The Real Housewives of New York City. In order to cement my position, I need a high-powered job. Coincidentally, Harvard needs someone to retool its stuffy, elitist image into one of acceptance and educational innovation. I propose a partnership that will make Harvard relevant again as well as give me the respected teaching position I need for my reality show. How, you ask? By offering an in-depth class exploring the work of Kanye West.

The name of the course will be called Kanye 411, and I am uniquely qualified to teach it. I will get to the course description and a sample lecture in a moment, but first I'd like to show you my teacher outfit:

Smart and sexy, in a very understated way. It's all part of the vision I have for the new Harvard.

Here is my proposed class description:

Kanye 411
A historical and critical study of the major concepts of the work of Kanye West. Particular attention will be given to the lyrics of Gold Digger and Stronger, and the dangers of listening to Kanye at the gym.

The class will be an upper level course available to students pursuing degrees in the fields of philosophy, cultural studies and fresh-ass hip-hop (which is a new department that I will recommend be created). I believe in lots of student participation, mentally and physically, as evidenced by the following sample lecture:

Discussion and Analysis of Roboto Voice and Kate Moss Reference in Stronger

Kanye 411
Dr. SGM
Harvard University, Fall 2008

I. Watch Stronger video

II. Do you want to jump out of the building with joy every time you hear the roboto voice at the beginning of Stronger? Why?

A. Origins of roboto voice

1. Robots

2. Styx

B. Students will be asked to mimic roboto voice and also do futuristic dancing.

III. "Let's get lost tonight; you can be my black Kate Moss tonight"

A. The meaning of "let's get lost tonight"

1. figurative or literal?

2. a veiled reference to the show "Lost"

3. in the context of Kanye's life at the time

a. expressing need to not be famous

b. expressing need to get really drunk/high, which leads into . . .

B. The meaning of "you can be my black Kate Moss tonight." Is he giving permission or assigning a role?

1. What would being "black Kate Moss" entail? Drug use, killer clothes, model attitude?

2. Would you consent/agree to being his black Kate Moss? Why or why not?

3. Does the thought of being Kanye's black Kate Moss kind of turn you on?

IV. Homework essay--500 words--

Do you think that Kanye would hook up with the real Kate Moss? Support your answer with lyrics from any of Kanye's songs and the work of Perez Hilton.

V. The End

I am in the process of obtaining Kanye as a guest speaker and possible adjunct professor for the Kanye 501 class "Big is Best: Egos in Modern Day Hip-Hop". Talk about increasing your number of applicants! His connection with your university could also help with your fundraising efforts.

My salary requirements at this point would be in the $300,000 range, but my fee for this idea and image make-over is negotiable. Please contact me as soon as possible so that we may discuss this in more detail over the phone. I look forward to working with such a distinguished and venerated university. Let's make history!

Very Truly Yours,

Dr. SGM

P.S. Sorry about the gd formatting for my outline. Blogger is not cooperating!

cc: Kanye West

East Coast vs. West Coast

Note LuAnn doing her Statue of Liberty pose

Bravo's First Annual A-List Awards were held in New York last night (don't worry--you haven't missed it; it airs on June 12) and the Housewives of OC and NYC met each other for the first time. Jill spilled the beans to NY Mag that the two most sane people from each cast, Jeana and Bethenny, had "some problems." Sounds like Bethenny threw some of her trademark honesty at Jeana and it did not fly.

Two of my favorite comments from the night:

"Oh my God, those girls are rude and they're kind of chubby and they need Botox and they have bad teeth." ---Tamra Barney's thoughts upon seeing the NYC show for the first time. Tamra, way to come down to my level. Would you like to co-author this blog with me?

"Sometimes they interfere with my Chi." ---OC's Lauri Waring referring to the NYC cast (and if that's not the best fucking thing you've read today, then I'd like to know what is).

Oh God, IT'S ON. This is gonna be bloodier than 2Pac vs. Biggie. Bethenny, where are you and your smart mouth? Someone unleash Ramoner! East Coast, let's see some RETALIATION!

Read the whole wonderful article here.

P.S. No, I have not finished watching the rest of Work Out. Leave me alone!

P.P.S. Sarah at In the Trenches of Mommyhood alerted me to the fact that ex-OC Housewife Jo De La Rosa's reality show premieres July 21 on Bravo. Are we really going to watch this shit? YES. Read the article here and see why Slade Smiley is a supreme douche. Thanks, Sarah!

"Just because you love Speedos doesn't make you gay"

Yes, but it does mean that you're either a Euro, a douche, or a competitive swimmer. Or gay.

The quote above is from Andy Cohen, the openly gay host of the Real Housewives of New York reunion show, who also told Simon, "I have great gaydar and it's not pinging for you." So it's settled. Simon is not homosexual, he's just a (pseudo) Euro-douche. Don't feel badly if you misjudged him; (pseudo) Euro-douche is often mistaken for gay.

Here are the highlights from the "Lost Footage" episode.

1. It is revealed that Jill went to college! I would have bet money that she did not, simply because she appears unnerved by people with lots of education. I need more info, Jill! Did you graduate? What was your major? If I'm going to psychoanalyze you on the blog (and co-star with you--yay!), I'm going to need some details.

2. Ramoner acts like an asshole again. The first time (in this episode anyway) is at Jill's party in the Hamptons where 'Moner makes a stink about seating. It's a BUFFET, you idiot! You get your food and you sit down at an available seat. For some reason, Ramoner could simply not wrap her brain around this concept.

Ramoner is the first one to leave the party, and Jill's all "don't let the door hit you on the ass." Ramoner explains her hasty departure with her trademark double-talk. First it was "I was tired" and then there was the buggy-eyed shrug "I wasn't stimulated enough." Might I suggest electroshock therapy? I've heard it's very stimulating.

3. Luann and the Count play tennis, and the Count engages in behavior that Luann describes as "competitive," which is really code for "bordering on abusive." Simmer down, Count!

4. Jill's birthday! There really are no words to describe the intricacies of the Jill-Bobby-Brad gift giving process, but I will try to break it down for you.

a) Jill orders a gift for herself at a store.

b) She meets with Brad (gay husband) and tells him to lead Bobby (real husband) to the gift which Jill has previously ordered.

c) Brad keeps insisting "don't you want some lingerie? I'm great at picking out lingerie!" Finally Jill says "why are you obsessed with tits now? Are you sure you're gay?" It is a funny moment.

d) Bobby takes Jill to a very fancypants restaurant and they both know there's going to be major gift giving but they're both pretending to be oblivious.

e) Jill ORDERS FOOD FOR GINGER at a fancypants restaurant.

f) Bobby gives her lingerie.

g) Jill tells the camera about how she doesn't want fucking lingerie!

h) Bobby gives her the $53,960 watch she had picked out for herself. He was onto her the whole time!

i) Then he gives her $6500 earrings.

j) Then they go home, and wild crazy sex is insinuated, which was an icky mental picture for me. (But I still love you Jill!)

5) Simon is shown shopping for the earrings he gave Alex on her birthday at sea. He acts totally gay.

6) Ramoner is beyond annoying again. She dresses like a complete dominatrix to chaperone Avery's school dance and comes home to tell Mario about it. The whole conversation is SO FAKE and filled with kissing and weird relationship platitudes.

7) Bethennnnnnny goes out to lunch with ex-fiance Larry, and his glowing happiness with his new family totally bums her out.

8) Luann and her family go to visit the Statue of Liberty and are completely insufferable for numerous reasons. But I have to tell you, despite her snobbery, Luann is so gorgeous. I always give a little gasp when I see her.

9) Jill attends a protest of Iran's president (no way in hell I'm going to try to spell his name) speaking at Columbia. She hears the Israeli national anthem and gets choked up. It was quite touching. Team Jill, baby. Forever!

10) Alex is also insufferable as she takes Francois to art class. She calls him "incredibly well-behaved," which kind of clashes with the images of him bouncing off of the walls and screaming at his teachers. The teachers say that Francois has a "lot of energy" but there is a totally obvious undertone of "he is a spoiled brat and it's everything we can do to not smack him and his mom."

11) At another Hampton's party, Jill uses the term "bff" and Luann says "what does bff mean?" What are you, 80?

12) More reunion highlights with additional footage of Ramoner going nuts on Simon and Alex at the infamous Jill dinner party. Even Bravo prefaces the scenes with a "Ramona vs. Alex and Siomn, Continued Verbal Assault" screen shot thingy because she was so completely out of control. Ramoner, you make me want to pull my hair out!

This is waaaaaay long and I apologize, but I have missed this show. Flipping Out starts up again on June 17 and let's all cross our fingers that a Real Housewives of any variety will soon follow. Please, Bravo. PLEASE.

The Mean Girls Show, starring Ramoner

If you are lucky enough to be at home, a Real Housewives of NYC marathon is going on right now, and it will culminate in the RHNYC Lost Footage episode later tonight. Stick around for Work Out, if you are so inclined.*

I leave you with a question from Ramoner's blog and my response:

At times I feel like I am on "The Mean Girls Show". Its [sic] like they all decided to target and pick on me. How bad can I really be if I raised such a special daughter and have a wonderful husband of sixteen years?

Ramoner, I know that you probably intended the question "how bad can I really be?" to be rhetorical, but how about those 1041 people who answered? Wow. Most everyone was in agreement that you needed a mild tranquilizer and extra-intensive therapy sessions. Hmmm. I think they may have a point.

Also, using the word "special" to describe a person is so generic and meaningless, not to mention LAME. I have nothing to back that up, it's just how it is. Avery deserves better. Speaking of Avery and her "specialness," the verdict isn't in just yet. While she seems to be okay, Avery has plenty of time to turn insane and I'm sure that exploiting her on this show will speed up the process. As for why Mario is sticking around--well, 1) it's because of Avery and 2) in the words of the sage Mamacita, "he's fucking everything that moves." Hope that answers your question.

Can't wait to see you serve up some more crazy tonight!

* The RHNYC Lost Footage episode will be covered on this blog, and Work Out will not (unless something really crazy goes down) because it is an inferior show. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Jackie Warner.

Living the Dream

Exciting news everyone! I'm packing up my earthly belongings and heading to Manhattan to pursue my dream as a Real Housewife of NYC. The show's producers are looking for a new cast member who is a "high rolling social butterfly juggling the ups and downs of family life along with a high-powered career and a social calendar to die for." Can you believe it?! THAT'S TOTALLY ME (minus the high-powered career and social calendar to die for part). I have already called the Real Housewives Hotline (so impressive--the woman on the recording has a classy English accent) and am just waiting for a call back. I am brimming with confidence; I am so perfect for this show!

To the Real Housewives of NYC producers: You won't regret it! I have all sorts of stunts ready to go--for example, I will demand to be called "Princess" (LuAnn will lose her shit) and I will try to seduce Simon (if that doesn't work, I will have my husband try to seduce Simon). I also promise to get into some sort of physical altercation with that skank Ramoner. I have much more in store but am keeping it under my hat until I am officially selected.

To Jill and Bethenny: Mama's coming, girls! Can't wait to meet you in person and have you show me the ropes in Manhattan society. Bethenny, my kids and I are going to stay at your place during try-outs if that's okay. I can't wait for you to cook for us!

To rest of you--thank you so much for your support. I will fly you all out to my new house in the Hamptons for the Season 2 finale. Cristal and "Team SGM" shirts for everyone!

Be sure to catch the RHNYC "Lost Footage" episode on May 27 (thanks to Brilliant Asylum for the tip-off).

Ciao, my dears!

Thanks to www.marcelafae.com for the "NYC or bust" photo.