A Comeuppance

Sorry it's been lame over here lately. CNN asked me to cover the DNC for them, and I've been so busy being all "politico" that I simply have had no time to blog.*

But when someone tipped me off to a little bit of RHNYC scandal, I rushed out of my interview with Hillary to bring you this breaking news from Page 6:

IT'S too bad video cameras for "The Real Housewives of NYC" weren't trained on the reality show's cast member Countess LuAnn de Lesseps at the Southampton wedding of BlueStar Jets owner Todd Rome and his bride, Vanessa Brahms.

In front of 200 guests at Nello Summertimes last Thursday, the high-spirited countess commandeered the mike from Andy Hilfiger's band and sang two songs. "She knocked over the drum set while smiling at the horrified guests," a source said.

Then, LuAnn, who was there with her husband, Alexandre Count de Lessups, seemed overwhelmed with affection for her fellow guests. "She was trying to make out with women and married men," the source said. "A pregnant wife caught her in the act, stormed off and walked home in disgust."

Alexandre "tried to make her leave and was seen throwing her to the ground in the parking lot," our spy continued.

"She wasn't just kissing the married men, she was also grabbing their [crotches]," another witness told The Post's Braden Keil, adding that one male victim was the escort of one of her TV co-stars.

LuAnn and her husband angrily denied the alleged raucous behavior. "None of it is true. My husband was with me the entire time," the countess fumed. Alexandre added, "This sounds like a plot." He also denied shoving her, saying, "She tripped with her high heels in the parking lot of Nello's. It is gravel, not hard ground. I nearly fell."

Todd Rome told us, "At these parties, people always get frisky. All I can say is that she didn't try to grab me."

A few weeks ago, the countess caused a scene at Manor Lounge in Chicago by warbling an over-the-top, Marilyn Monroe-style "Happy Birthday" to a complete stranger, "and the birthday boy was not amused," a source said. That didn't happen either, insisted the countess.

NICE! I'm thinking that The Countess' book on manners will include a chapter on "Crotch-Grabbing: Only When You're Shit-Faced" and also, a section co-written by Ramoner, "Why Own Up to Your Crappy Behavior When You Can Deny and Make Paranoid Accusations?" Looking forward to that!

*Okay, okay, big lie. I have actually been lying in my bed, having imaginary conversations with Jeff Lewis and eating cookie dough. At least I'm not drunkenly doing my Marilyn Monroe act for complete strangers. Yet.

I spy a nipple!

Simon's! {shudder}

And yes, Alex is wearing some sort of see-through getup. Apparently they were at National Underwear Day's underwear/lingerie runway show (I am not even kidding you--verify it here). They're movin' on up, yo!

You know that Simon worked on this outfit for days, calling Alex at work, asking "what about the pants, mon cheri? I'm standing here in your animal print Cavallis and they're just not working. My pink jeans? Brilliant! It will bring out the color of my rosy nipples."

Incidentally, Alex and Simon are posing with the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The NJ ladies all look slightly embarrassed except for the one on the far right, who's thinking "Nice pants! Badda bing!"

The battle of the jumpsuits!

Who would have guessed that ass-tastic Kim Kardashian and the arrogant Countess from Real Housewives of NYC have the same taste in clothing?! Here they are, in the same Stella McCartney jumpsuit at two separate events. So, I shall ask the age-old Us Weekly question, who wore it better? Is the answer as obvious as as I think it is?

Speaking of bony chests vs. boner-inducing chests, I think we all need to band together and nominate this J Crew model to be on Intervention.

Seriously, how is she not buckling under the weight of her clothes? Gross. Shame on you, J Crew.

No, no--it's all for the best

Apparently Bravo has selected its newest cast member for next season's Real Housewives of NYC. It's not me. I had to find this out through the popular media, which I thought was unfortunate (not to mention RUDE), but I have to say I'm totally relieved--I was going to withdraw my name anyway. As you know, I am a self-taught life coach and my practice is just starting to take off. Helping celebrities, especially reality stars, navigate the rough waters of life in "the biz" is not only my passion but my duty, and I need to devote all of my energy to that right now. I also have the Kanye class that I (hopefully) will be teaching at Harvard next month. Seriously, I won't even have time to brush my teeth this fall. There's no way I could manage a reality show as well.

(Does anyone else think that Jill might have felt threatened by me? I think she might have blackballed me. But it's FINE. Totally fine.)

Please join me in welcoming socialite Kelly Bensimon to the cast.

Congratulations, Kelly! You look really . . . intelligent, and even if this show can't satisfy your obvious deep-seated need for attention and fame, I'm sure you'll have fun hanging out with Ramoner.

Can't wait!

p.s. Jo and Slade's show debuts tonight on Bravo. Let's see how many of you have the balls to watch it!

Douchebag Alert

I'd be crying too, Francois. Read about it here.

By the way, you know they were totally going for this:

As if.