"My son buttheaded my husband and actually broke his nose."
Sunday, January 9, 2011 
Oh my goodness! What does that even mean? Is this some sort of extreme sport that rich people participate in? Whatever it is, it sounds dangerous and perhaps illegal. Be careful, Maloofs.
THIS SHOW! I love it like Camille Grammer loves Nick--on the down-low and with a little tongue. This episode was not only about recreational buttheading, but the darker side of childhood and marriage. Oh, you don't even know! You really don't. Here is your Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap.
1. Lisa is in the garden tending to her roses, a bead of sweat on her brow. She is working so hard, and she doesn't even speak Spanish! Wait, what's that over there? It is a bronzed and bikni'd Cedric, sitting on the edge the Vanderpumpian pool enjoying a glass of wine infused with the pee of Giggy, lazily dredging his foot through the water. It is the very picture of "I Have No Intention of EVER Leaving This Place."
Then Keith (I know his name is Ken, but he's definitely more of a Keith) comes doddering into the garden clutching Giggy. They are twinsies as usual, both dressed in their lavender ensembles. Keith is upset. There are some unintelligible mumblings having to do with a jeep and no gas, and we are given strong hints that Cedric is to blame. Keith complains that Cedric has been their houseguest for over a year and it's time for him to go. Seems like a reasonable request, but a man who likes to coordinate pastel outifts with his tiny fluffy dog does not have much authority and Lisa dismisses his request accordingly. She tells the camera she has maternal feelings for Cedric and she's not ready to kick him out. Interesting, isn't it? The scene ends with Lisa going in to kiss Giggy, and Keith trying to intercept but being swatted away like a fly.
2. Camille calls Kyle to invite her to a tennis party. "HEY KYLE, IT'S CAMILLE" she shouts with fake enthusiasm. Then there is this yawning, awful 5 second silence wherein we all think that Kyle is having an "oh shit, should I hang up?" moment. But no, Kyle was dealing with reception issues. Indeed! I've heard that can happen when you're not married to an A-list actor.
Kyle doesn't play tennis, but Mauricio does. She doesn't "want to cause anymore problems" (i.e. cost her husband millions of dollars in lost commissions) so she accepts Camille's invitation.
Kyle calls her sister Kim to tell her the news and Kim is all "have you lost your goddamn mind? When I was a child star--" Then Kyle interrupts, "this time will be different."
And in a dimly lit apartment in Manhattan, Andy Cohen takes a shot of whiskey and slams down his glass growling "not if I have anything to do with it."
3. So THEN! Then Lisa's daughter Pandora, who possibly has her hair done by Giggy's groomer, is having a birthday. The party is at Giggy's favorite restaurant, Sur. Guess who arrives in formalwear? Giggy! Isn't that adorable to have a dressed-up dog at the dinner table? Yes! So much. Anyhow, back to whats-her-face, Pandora, how old is she again? Oh, who cares. Her boyfriend doesn't even care, as evidenced by his fake marriage proposal. Really, this party is about Giggy and a little bit about Cedric because out of the blue, Kyle leans over Lisa in the midst of this festive celebration and says something like "so Cedric! What's this I hear about your abusive and awful childhood?"
I will bet you Adrienne Maloof's white grand piano that right before this scene was shot, a producer pulled Kyle aside and told her she had to ask this rude and inappropriately-timed question. Kyle refused. Then the producer pinched Kyle on the arm--hard--and hissed "listen, Kyle. I don't want it to come to this, but we can make you look like Camille. We can and we will."
So Kyle asks and Cedric answers. It's so horrifying that we just have to curl up into the fetal and whisper to ourselves that he must be making it all up. Kyle is sympathetic, but tells the camera in what seems to be a highly edited and pieced together comment, "I just hope he is sincere." Is this some foreshadowing?
From the blooper reel: "Cedric, Lisa tells me you have some crazy awesome rape and abandonment stories. OMG! Tell me everything!"
4. There's a sad little breakfast scene at Taylor's house. Her husband is painfully stiff and gray as usual and we can practically see him thinking "don't look at the camera, don't look at the camera." Also "I HATE MY LIFE."
5. Camille's tennis party! But it's not really a tennis party, it's just more of a Watch Camille Bounce Around in a Little Bitty Tennis Outfit and Kiss Nick on the Lips Party. Everyone enjoys that, right? Well, everyone except those of you suffering from female jealousy issues.
The Maloofs are there too. Paul has a broken nose (again) because of the aforementioned violent buttheading. Then we see Camille and her guests partake in a catered lunch that cost more than my c-section. Camille bats her eyes and starts talking about her favorite subject, which is of course Camille. Then it's time to head over the pool for some Look at Camille in a Bikini Time.
Yay! Isn't this fantastic, watching her do mermaid flips and have eye-sex with all of the husbands while claiming that the reason no one likes her is because they are jealous of her? Yes, that must be the reason. Either that or her abhorrent personality. Tough call.
Kyle didn't wear her bathing suit, and after listening to Camille bitch about it for 20 minutes, decides to jump in the pool to get her to SHUT THE HELL UP and (I hope) give Camille an "accidental" scissor-kick to the head.
The party ends with no major fights, but some of this:
which is good enough for me.
6. Kyle is throwing a white party for Mauricio's 40th birthday party. It's very very stressful because she has to tell the tent people how to arrange the curtains, as well as occasionally nod to the caterers. If that weren't enough, she has to sit in a chair while someone applies her make-up and does her hair. Don't let anyone tell you it's easy to throw a party in Beverly Hills. It's not.
Finally, she's dressed in white and sexy Mauricio is too, and the guests arrive. Kim, who actually looks pretty cute, walks in and then Taylor with Russell, who is totally trying to psych himself up for a party in which no one will want to talk to him. Lisa and Cedric enter arm in arm, followed by Keith and his date Giggy.
Then starts some majorly SWF action. The foreground is Kyle and Mauricio nuzzling and then the camera focuses in on Taylor in the background, staring at them. Taylor tells the camera about how cold her marriage is and how beautiful Kyle and Mauricio's is. More staring. There is a heart to heart in Kyle's bedroom in which Taylor gets teary over the fact that Russell seems to be checked out. In fact, he left her at the party. Went home and danced to Kenny Chesney songs in front of the mirror, ready to jump in bed and pretend he was asleep the second he heard Tay walk in the door. I don't know that for sure, of course. The whole thing went ON and ON in a super-creepy manner, didn't it? Then there is this,
and if that doesn't give you visions of a big knife and sprays of blood, then you haven't been paying attention. Nice work turning this into a mini horror movie, Bravo.
There's also an are-you-kidding me moment when Camille gives Kyle a present, a book entitled "How to Behave and Not Be Jealous of Camille Grammer" or something ridiculous like that. It was a joke, can't you see? A joke because Camille has such an excellent sense of humor and is totally not a delusional butthole.
Exactly.
Next week, the Grammer divorce bomb drops. I can't wait.
I miss you all so much!
Reader Comments (67)
Woot! I don't think I ever commented before, but I'm commenting now to say I'm so GLAD you're posting again!
You have been missed.
Don't you think Camille is taking the same prescription meds that KB takes?
The SGM email was the best christmas present. Eva. Thanks.
I hope this means you are back. For real.
I dont care why you left but Im so glad you are back!!! Beverly Hills was just too good not to partake in- huh?
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO. MUCH. FUN. to have you back!! This herd of housewives has been pretty entertaining but I've skipped a couple of episodes. Knowing that you'll be commenting will keep me tuned in. Can't wait til next week! (Bravo? Are you listening? Pay this woman!)
I said it on Sketch42 and I'll say it again:
Does Ken (Keith) style his hair to look like Giggy's, or is it the other way around?
True story: I have liked Kim ever since I saw her in the 1982-ish BLOCKBUSTER Tuff Turf (ohhhh, the ENVY I had over her flowing golden crimped hair, AND she got to make out with James Spader??? come ON - what is NOT to love???), and I like her still. No lie.
Taylor? Like the sad, mutant, Lifetime Television for Women love child of Julia Roberts and Kyra Sedgwick.
Kyle: Like the sassy, brassy, Lifetime Television for Women version of Demi Moore, who should NEVER cut her hair into a Clara Bow bob and wear terrible makeup.
Lisa: British Jaclyn Smith, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
The Maloof: The West Coast version of The Cat Woman.
Camille-Toe: She is a hot bod in Magda from Something About Mary skin. Not pretty.
SGM: Is baaaaaaack!!!! The love shrine DID work. Woo hooooooo!!!!
Mwah! I've missed ya, toots!
Merci,
Shan
THIS WAS MY CHRISTMAS WISH.
Well, that and to wake up in a bed full of Asians, but this is JUST. AS. GOOD.
XOXOXO-ZW
yay! yay! yay! watching these vapid shows just wasn't the same without you!!! please don't go...
You're baaaaacck!!! So glad, you made my day. :) Please stay - make the post more infrequent or whatever, but stay. And this is clearly the only likable thing about Camille - she brought you back. Mwah.
You're BACK! It's a (belated) Christmas MIRACLE!!! :) Yippee! You just made my day when you popped up in my reader!
You just made me pee in Cedric's Giggy wine. Love you, Hooks!
You being back might be the best thing to happen to 2011! YOu have been greatly missed. You NEED to get into the Bravo clubhouse...that would bring the whole world of the housewives full circle. Can't wait for this week, and some awesome awkwardness between Camille and Kelsey.
O.M.G. This is so crazy, because just yesterday I was talking with my BFF/personal medium, and she told me that she saw the return of someone dear to me back in my life. And then here you are!!! She also told me that my husband will never really love me and that I'll die in a bizarre hair straightener accident, but I digress.
How much do I love Camille? So much that every time I see her doing something completely ridiculous, like reading "The Art of War" at the breakfast table while Nick is under the table going down on her, or saying something like, "I feel so bad for the entire female race because they are all SO JEALOUS of me," and then gives us one of her little well meaning yet totally psychotic shoulder shrugs, I orgasm. To quote John Mayer, Camillle Grammar is like sexual napalm to me. I can't wait for the reunion when Kyle knocks her unconscious with one of her giant emerald earrings and then tears her heart out of her chest and feeds it to her while it's still beating.
Dear SGM,
I was just about to start on the panels that you ordered for your mud room but the mill is no longer making that miniature-pony fabric. If you still want the Southwestern theme, we can do a "cactuses and lassoes" print. Please advise.
Sincerely,
Harvey Millstein, CID
this is wonderfully entertaining!
Welcome home.
Sooo happy to have you back!!!
OMG I screamed too!
And then emailed my sister to say SHE'S BACK!
If these Beverly Hills Bitches didn't bring you back to re-cap then nothing was.
Love to watch this show!
Loved your re-cap even more!!
Missed you!
Yay! You're back!
I have missed you all soooo much!!
Aw, you all warm my withered little heart! Thanks for the love. I'm not sure I'm back for reals, but I'm working on it.
(Harvey, I think you need to use a different mill. I know you love the craftsmanship but it's just not worth it. My heart is set on the ponies.)
I hope you now realize how much you were truly missed. I will help out more with the children and even offer up my services in the Frank-pictures-of-his-butt department just so you can keep doing this.
Love you,
your number 1(or 2 or 3) VIP bitch
As Edward Cullen would say, "you are my own personal brand of heroin."
OMG!!!! OMG!!! Love how you totally preface all of this with "Oh, HAI Bishes! I'm BAAAAAAA-AAAACK!!!!" LOL. You were missed! My life is complete once again!
YAAAAAAYY ! Prayers do get answered !!!!!!