"My son buttheaded my husband and actually broke his nose."
Sunday, January 9, 2011 
Oh my goodness! What does that even mean? Is this some sort of extreme sport that rich people participate in? Whatever it is, it sounds dangerous and perhaps illegal. Be careful, Maloofs.
THIS SHOW! I love it like Camille Grammer loves Nick--on the down-low and with a little tongue. This episode was not only about recreational buttheading, but the darker side of childhood and marriage. Oh, you don't even know! You really don't. Here is your Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap.
1. Lisa is in the garden tending to her roses, a bead of sweat on her brow. She is working so hard, and she doesn't even speak Spanish! Wait, what's that over there? It is a bronzed and bikni'd Cedric, sitting on the edge the Vanderpumpian pool enjoying a glass of wine infused with the pee of Giggy, lazily dredging his foot through the water. It is the very picture of "I Have No Intention of EVER Leaving This Place."
Then Keith (I know his name is Ken, but he's definitely more of a Keith) comes doddering into the garden clutching Giggy. They are twinsies as usual, both dressed in their lavender ensembles. Keith is upset. There are some unintelligible mumblings having to do with a jeep and no gas, and we are given strong hints that Cedric is to blame. Keith complains that Cedric has been their houseguest for over a year and it's time for him to go. Seems like a reasonable request, but a man who likes to coordinate pastel outifts with his tiny fluffy dog does not have much authority and Lisa dismisses his request accordingly. She tells the camera she has maternal feelings for Cedric and she's not ready to kick him out. Interesting, isn't it? The scene ends with Lisa going in to kiss Giggy, and Keith trying to intercept but being swatted away like a fly.
2. Camille calls Kyle to invite her to a tennis party. "HEY KYLE, IT'S CAMILLE" she shouts with fake enthusiasm. Then there is this yawning, awful 5 second silence wherein we all think that Kyle is having an "oh shit, should I hang up?" moment. But no, Kyle was dealing with reception issues. Indeed! I've heard that can happen when you're not married to an A-list actor.
Kyle doesn't play tennis, but Mauricio does. She doesn't "want to cause anymore problems" (i.e. cost her husband millions of dollars in lost commissions) so she accepts Camille's invitation.
Kyle calls her sister Kim to tell her the news and Kim is all "have you lost your goddamn mind? When I was a child star--" Then Kyle interrupts, "this time will be different."
And in a dimly lit apartment in Manhattan, Andy Cohen takes a shot of whiskey and slams down his glass growling "not if I have anything to do with it."
3. So THEN! Then Lisa's daughter Pandora, who possibly has her hair done by Giggy's groomer, is having a birthday. The party is at Giggy's favorite restaurant, Sur. Guess who arrives in formalwear? Giggy! Isn't that adorable to have a dressed-up dog at the dinner table? Yes! So much. Anyhow, back to whats-her-face, Pandora, how old is she again? Oh, who cares. Her boyfriend doesn't even care, as evidenced by his fake marriage proposal. Really, this party is about Giggy and a little bit about Cedric because out of the blue, Kyle leans over Lisa in the midst of this festive celebration and says something like "so Cedric! What's this I hear about your abusive and awful childhood?"
I will bet you Adrienne Maloof's white grand piano that right before this scene was shot, a producer pulled Kyle aside and told her she had to ask this rude and inappropriately-timed question. Kyle refused. Then the producer pinched Kyle on the arm--hard--and hissed "listen, Kyle. I don't want it to come to this, but we can make you look like Camille. We can and we will."
So Kyle asks and Cedric answers. It's so horrifying that we just have to curl up into the fetal and whisper to ourselves that he must be making it all up. Kyle is sympathetic, but tells the camera in what seems to be a highly edited and pieced together comment, "I just hope he is sincere." Is this some foreshadowing?
From the blooper reel: "Cedric, Lisa tells me you have some crazy awesome rape and abandonment stories. OMG! Tell me everything!"
4. There's a sad little breakfast scene at Taylor's house. Her husband is painfully stiff and gray as usual and we can practically see him thinking "don't look at the camera, don't look at the camera." Also "I HATE MY LIFE."
5. Camille's tennis party! But it's not really a tennis party, it's just more of a Watch Camille Bounce Around in a Little Bitty Tennis Outfit and Kiss Nick on the Lips Party. Everyone enjoys that, right? Well, everyone except those of you suffering from female jealousy issues.
The Maloofs are there too. Paul has a broken nose (again) because of the aforementioned violent buttheading. Then we see Camille and her guests partake in a catered lunch that cost more than my c-section. Camille bats her eyes and starts talking about her favorite subject, which is of course Camille. Then it's time to head over the pool for some Look at Camille in a Bikini Time.
Yay! Isn't this fantastic, watching her do mermaid flips and have eye-sex with all of the husbands while claiming that the reason no one likes her is because they are jealous of her? Yes, that must be the reason. Either that or her abhorrent personality. Tough call.
Kyle didn't wear her bathing suit, and after listening to Camille bitch about it for 20 minutes, decides to jump in the pool to get her to SHUT THE HELL UP and (I hope) give Camille an "accidental" scissor-kick to the head.
The party ends with no major fights, but some of this:
which is good enough for me.
6. Kyle is throwing a white party for Mauricio's 40th birthday party. It's very very stressful because she has to tell the tent people how to arrange the curtains, as well as occasionally nod to the caterers. If that weren't enough, she has to sit in a chair while someone applies her make-up and does her hair. Don't let anyone tell you it's easy to throw a party in Beverly Hills. It's not.
Finally, she's dressed in white and sexy Mauricio is too, and the guests arrive. Kim, who actually looks pretty cute, walks in and then Taylor with Russell, who is totally trying to psych himself up for a party in which no one will want to talk to him. Lisa and Cedric enter arm in arm, followed by Keith and his date Giggy.
Then starts some majorly SWF action. The foreground is Kyle and Mauricio nuzzling and then the camera focuses in on Taylor in the background, staring at them. Taylor tells the camera about how cold her marriage is and how beautiful Kyle and Mauricio's is. More staring. There is a heart to heart in Kyle's bedroom in which Taylor gets teary over the fact that Russell seems to be checked out. In fact, he left her at the party. Went home and danced to Kenny Chesney songs in front of the mirror, ready to jump in bed and pretend he was asleep the second he heard Tay walk in the door. I don't know that for sure, of course. The whole thing went ON and ON in a super-creepy manner, didn't it? Then there is this,
and if that doesn't give you visions of a big knife and sprays of blood, then you haven't been paying attention. Nice work turning this into a mini horror movie, Bravo.
There's also an are-you-kidding me moment when Camille gives Kyle a present, a book entitled "How to Behave and Not Be Jealous of Camille Grammer" or something ridiculous like that. It was a joke, can't you see? A joke because Camille has such an excellent sense of humor and is totally not a delusional butthole.
Exactly.
Next week, the Grammer divorce bomb drops. I can't wait.
I miss you all so much!
Reader Comments (67)
If you ever leave again, I will butthead you in the nose so hard, you'll get a wonky eye and three minuscule wrinkles at the tip of your forehead. Yes.
Please don't go away again!!! Your recaps are hilarious, they are an absolute must in my life. Made my day!!!!!!!!
I randomly check to see if you've come to your senses and returned to blogging . With all the new whack jobs how could you resist? I had real tears in my eyes when i saw the new entry! LOVE YOU! Cant wait for the next recap. I hope you will bless us with an Atlanta recap of Kim & NeeNee Smack down. Cant wait to see your Phaedra comments :)
P.S...
I Hope you saw what DWIGHT did to "pretty on the outside' blogger. How dreadful!
YIPPEE SKIPPEE!!!!I kept you on my favorites and checked weekly!!!! You make me laugh and forget I have stuff to do!
Yay! You're back! This makes me smile :)
The world is right again.
Welcome back! And you have just confirmed my decision to start watching this train wreck. Looking forward to more recaps!
Just noticed you have two Mariana's.... funny! I'll have to post with initials :)
Oh, crap. Now I have to start watching these shows again.
;-)
You're back!!!! I just kept hoping!
So glad you're back!
OhMyGod, I was just sitting here thinking how sad it was that you're gone, and stopped by for old time's sake, and hello! you were back! You just made my day/Jan/2011!
OMG I knew you would be back and for RHOBH !! O happy day!!!!
OMFG welcome home!
SHUT UP! I thought we'd lost you forever! This recap was spot-on and soooo funny- as usual.
Oh SGM, my life has been a vacuous empty shell without you...kind of like all the housewives lives! LOL! Well, while all us bloggers were all facebooking and tweeting, the blogsphere beckons once more. I promise to visit and blog as much as possible!
Hallelujah! Welcome back! I might be a month (+) late to the party, but none the less, so glad SGM got her groove back!