"Look at this drama she's creating at your party. I apologize."
Monday, May 10, 2010 
Ah, Jill. The only considerate one in the bunch. There's just nothing worse than someone who creates a scene to get attention, is there? It was embarrassing, really, how Alex tried to hog the spotlight by picking a fight with you after you sent her that thoughtful text about Bethenny's dad. She actually tried to sit down and talk to you when everyone knows that the best way to defuse a situation is to throw a screaming, crying temper tantrum, followed by hysterical weeping in your host's pantry.
You know what, Jill? I have been barfed on multiple times in the past 48 hours and I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR NONSENSE. None at all. That goes for your friend LuAnn too. The gloves are OFF.
Now then. Where were we? Oh yes! Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:
1. We see LuAnn and Sonja getting ready for the Cocktails and Couture party. LuAnn is basically ready, and she's just putting on the final touches: kissing herself in the mirror and fishing for compliments. "Do you like my hair up?" she asks, tearing her gaze away from her reflection. Sonja, still in her robe with wet hair, agrees that yes, LuAnn looks fine, whatever.
LuAnn leaves Sonja and heads down the stairs--she'll be damned if she takes that elevator--to greet the first guest, who is none other than ALEX!
LuAnn, her voice full of concern, tells Alex that she's so glad to see her because "the other night was so horrifying." What happened? Did they witness a fatal car crash? Maybe a beating death? No! The Countess is referring to Alex's Bethenny-has-had-enough-of-your-shit message to Jill. She calls Alex heartless and repeatedly demands that she apologize to Jill, but she says "sweetheart" and "darling" because that's how you make rude stuff polite. After dropping these bombs, she breezily excuses herself to greet her other guests.
"Sweetheart, you are mean and heartless. By the way, what do you think of my hair? Don't you like it up?"
Alex is having none of that and tells the camera that Lu needs to mind her own damn business. AMEN. But LuAnn returns to Alex in the poop-strewn backyard to continue her lecture. "You need to make Jill feel better," LuAnn orders, and I am dying for Alex to say "MAKE ME." But she doesn't. She's very mature and calm and she doesn't back down one single inch. The best, the very best part, is when LuAnn tells Alex that this is Bethenny and Jill's fight and she can't choose sides. !!!! What a sanctimonious asshole! Oh, and what about LuAnn's indignant "who made you God?" She richly deserved Alex's comeback, which was a variation of "what are you, a retard?"
Sonja makes her grand entrance, and guess what? Her hair is UP. Oh no. NO. The Countess raises her eyebrows in displeasure and murmurs "oh, your hair is up," and you can tell she's super-pissed that Sonja is trying to steal her hair thunder. Sadly, I'm not making this up.
Kelly arrives hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii and hands LuAnn an armful of clothes. "Wha? Like, wha?" Kelly sputters, and LuAnn explains that the clothes will be sold to rich people and that all of the proceeds will benefit the homeless. "Like you?" Kelly asks. Oh, I was praying she would say that, but of course she didn't because she was all tangled up in a pile of hangers. Or something like that.
"Hiiiiiiiiii! Wait, these walls are painted Tangerine Melt, right? I knew it! That's what I use for my self-tanner!"
Jill arrives. The Countess sidles up to her, telling her "I fixed it," meaning that she arranged for Alex to prostrate herself in front of Jill when of course no such thing happened. She says something like, "no crying tonight, darling; you're going to be happy" and for a moment, just a split second, I feel sorry for Jill. How depressing it must be when your main ally is a complete dick.
Alex and Jill are finally in the same area. Jill greets her formally and then ignores her for the rest of the night. AWKWARD. But Alex is married to a man who wears red patent pants, so she's used to that.
Now it's Bobby Zarin's turn to ask for an apology on Jill's behalf. Since Bobby's generally a reasonable person and not a self-centered hypocrite, Alex agrees to at least talk to Jill.
Meanwhile, Jill is sobbing to Kelly. She's so sorry for so much! But she was ambushed! She didn't have her notes/scorecard when she saw Bethenny at Ramoner's, so what other choice did she have but to tell Bethenny to fuck off? Why did Bethenny interpret that as the end of their friendship? Why is Alex so meeeeeeeeean?
"Just because I compared her to cansuh doesn't mean that I want her out of my life!"
Cry me a river. (And Jill, if you don't understand this figure of speech, I'm sure Kelly will be happy to explain the literary history of it, starting with Justin Timberlake.)
Later, after Jill has finished her pity party (which let's be honest, it never really ends), Alex approaches her to talk. Jill, never one to learn a lesson, shuts her right down. "Not now. I have nothing to say," she says. Doesn't even bother to make eye contact as she charges past, ostensibly looking for Bobbers. Alex tells the camera, "we're not going to recover from this and I'm okay with that." YES! It's about time! Burn that bridge to the motherfucking GROUND, Alex.
2. Let's fast-forward here. Bethenny calls Ramoner, crying, on the way to the airport. Her father called and now wants to see her. Ramoner is shocked, and her eyes make a run for it.
But she's kind, and offers emotional support.
3. Remember when Kelly was wandering around photographing trendsetters/homeless people and asking them if they wear underwear? Gotham magazine decides that that is some award-winning work deserving of a party. Jill, new girl Jennifer and Sonja all show up. Jill wants to sit down but Kelly declines because "my dress won't allow me to." God, dresses can be so strict! I hate when mine doesn't let me go to the mall with my friends.
There are two real pieces of action here. First, LuAnn struts in with Court, a tiny wisp of a man who is one nose away from being Carson Kressley.
Let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Court starts hitting on LuAnn in the grossest, most leering way and LuAnn is lapping it up like Ginger with Jill's boogers (I think I just lost half of you). It's strangely gratifying, because this guy is um, weird and icky and I'm pretty sure he sings Michael Bolton songs at a Vegas casino off the strip and LuAnn's making gooey faces at him like he's Gerard Butler. They slip away into the night to do God knows what to each other. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. It's worse than anything Ginger does.
Next: Alex and Simon show up. Alex tells Simon to stick close, be her wingman and help her avoid Jill. Simon agrees and then promptly goes to sit with Jill and caress her legs.
"See, Alex? I told you I'm not gay."
The air is thick with tension. Kelly stands on a table and makes some sort of speech that starts with "as you know, I used to be a fashion editor...." Everyone listening mentally adds "in name only" and tunes out (or was that only me?). Jill, ensconced in her friends, is giving Alex these dangerous smiles and clearly trying to start shit. Alex doesn't take the bait and she gets out of there.
"I've never seen a group of women with so many issues!" exclaims new girl Jennifer. Aw, poor thing must not have a tv.
4. Ramona tries on wedding dresses. I am boycotting in-depth coverage of any renewal of vows ceremonies on Bravo; I hope you understand.
5. All of the once-divorced ladies go for a massage or pilates or something spiritual like that. LuAnn preaches for a while about depression and then they talk about the prescription drugs they used to get through their divorces.
6. Bethenny's in LA with Jason and the Bravo cameras, and her father has died. She's emotional and upset, but is glad she was with him in his last days.
7. Ramoner asks Sonja and Jill out for lunch and invites them to her bachelorette party. It's going to be a girls' trip, and Jill is beside herself with excitement:
Yes! Without even faking a calendar check, Jill says she probably won't be able to go. "You're going," says Ramoner, good-naturedly, "of course you're going!" This, my friends, is foreshadowing.
8. Jennifer is hosting a Housewives cocktail party at her house for no good reason other than to provide the setting for a fight or two.
Jill is one of the first to arrive and she asks Jennifer, "who's coming, so I can talk about them before they get here." She smiles her shark smile and we all know that she smells blood in the water. Countess Butthole and Baloney for Brains trail in and then Ramoner. "I just received a very disturbing email," she says, "Bethenny's father passed away."
Jill LOSES IT. "How could ya not tell anybody?" she shouts. "How could ya not tell anybody he was about to die!" Kelly's all Zoolander in the background and the Countess is doing her usual droning, "it's the point of making a gesture."
Ramoner handles herself beautifully, just beautifully. She informs Jill that 1) she just found out herself and 2) contrary to what Jill might think, she is not Ramoner's first priority. She tells Jill that it wasn't her place to spread the news of Bethenny's dad's illness, especially to Jill: "Last time you spoke to [Bethenny], you hung up on her and you made her cry!" BURN.
Now all of the sudden, to the camera, Bethenny is like a sister to Jill. Jill took her in when she didn't have a home! They had a big fight, but it doesn't mean they're never friends again! What a bunch of crap. Everyone saw Alex tell Jill about Bethenny's dad and she blew it off without a second thought. Now, when she realize that millions of people have seen her behave like a self-centered, self-serving jackass, she desperately try to throw the blame on someone else. Nice try, Jill, but you're only digging yourself deeper.
Jill continues to rage on Ramoner, screaming "ya not my friend!" and "how do ya not give may a chance to cawl hah?" Oh, the world is so cruel to Jill! She can't take it, so she runs into Jennifer's pantry.
Kelly wanders in after her. "Nice pantry," Jill sniffles after a bit. Meanwhile, LuAnn is outside getting aggro with Ramoner "I couldn't believe you did that to Jill!" Ridiculous. I am already looking forward to the reunion and Bethenny's commentary on this scene.
Sonja walks in the door, and then Alex. Jill greets Alex and Alex responds with the most cold, the most theatrical "HOW COULD YOU?" Jill's all "WHAT?" Apparently Jill had sent a text to Alex saying "did ya hear Bethenny's fathuh died?" Jill says she was just being nice but JESUS, Jill, how stupid do you think we are? She obviously sent the text to scoop Alex and make her feel like shit, and she wanted to gossip. Alex sees through all that and lets loose on Jill. Just lets it fly and says everything we've been wanting her to say: Jill is mean, she's childish and she's fake.
Jill ignores her and grins as if to say "would ya look at this lunatic?" Look at this picture:
She's not even listening. (Kelly just looks like the village idiot). Too bad, because these are things Jill needs to face if she wants to pull herself out of the toilet in which she is currently swimming. By the way, Alex says she asked Kelly to move and she refused.
Alex and Jill are finally, completely, irrevocably finished. I hope.
Your turn.
Reader Comments (63)
Great recap!!! Jill is one of those "black hole" friends - you know the ones that suck you into their (mostly self created) drama filled lives. It's all about them and they take and take but never give. We've all had them and have had to ditch them so we can live again. LuAnn is a pot stirrer - she's such a miserable soul that she wants to stir up so much crap, then sit back and enjoy everyone else's misery so she doesn't feel so alone. Those two are making me mental. I give Alex a standing ovation. God, the reunion episodes should be intense...
The Countless...I hate her. I am hoping someone calls her out on her constant digs. She says them so effortlessly that I think people don't even know they've been verbally smacked, but if her feathers get ruffled she squawks around in disbelief. UGH...like you said, such a complete DICK!
Ohhhh.... there is so much to say. Basically, Jill is just making herself look worse and worse. Kelly is the village idiot, I am boycotting Gotham magazine, but BY FAR the most annoying person on the show is LUANN. Ass kissing to a black souled bitch is even worse than being one. And making out with the fucking scariest slithering tongued man ever. and that song.
I accepted Sonja as a new housewife because she kicks ass. But do we really need another one mid season, out of no where? they need to kick someone off first and that person should be kelly. she adds nothing, shares nothing, is nothing. It almost seems like she is trying not to talk so that she wont have that much screen time. Anyone else see that?
And bravo- PLEASE no more charities, fund raisers or functions. These women pretend they are mother fucking teresa when they are self serving ass holes. (JILL!)
Jill is INSANE. I LOATHE her. I've had friends exactly like her - what can you do for ME, it's all about ME, I'm so pissed off at you that you didn't tell ME xyz first, blah di blah."
I hate her almost as much as Bethenny's stupid rehearsed quips. Almost.
i'm confused - jill didn't know about bethenny's father dying until ramoner told her about it at jennifer's party - she then goes batshit on r. - but then alex comes in and says that jill texted her that bethenny's father died - was jill texting in the pantry?? someone please explain
i'm not sure i have anything to add as you succinctly summed it all up quite nicely and tided a bow around it. jill is awful, luann is pretentious know it all who makes jill's awfulness even worse, ramona is irritating, true, but doesn't seem to have that malevolent quality of that jill and luann possess. jill is a complete phony, with her backroom phone calls and well-timed texts; yea, she read the tea leaves and could see the world is not on her side and NOW, NOW she wants to reconcile with bethenny. puh-leeze, lady. god, between jill and luann i honestly feel like they're the high school cruel girls who'll cut you with a smile then talk about you the minute you leave the room. no wait. i don't THINK that, I know it because I've been watching it on television these past two months. why do I waste my time? i can't wait to see jill's book for sale at The Dollar Store; who'd want it? seriously? i'd sooner buy Alex and Simon's book. as dorky as they seem, he in particular (he's a weak man, really ) because while i've grown to like her, Simon really just wanted to be at the cool kids' table. remember how he left her hanging when Ramona and Jill/Luann basically forced her to decide whose party to be at during Labor Day? he stood there, STOOD THERE, while Alex, awkwardly fumbled about, trying not to hurt Ramona's feelings but trying to be a grown up and just say, "look, we were invited and we're going to stop there too." but no...Simon took a step back - literally! - and then Mario moves in on her and tells her, "you have to choose" .... god, i'm digressing but these people are seriously not nice and they're now famous and we're talking about them and they get book deals and whatnot and who ARE they, really? just a bunch of attention whores.
jill zarin. god. what a nasty, grudge-holding woman. and she goes off on Alex because she "really didn't MEAN it?" Wha???
I applaud Alex for maintaining her dignity in the face of the constant pressure she received from LuAnn, from Bobby. She was nervous, though, I could tell. Her face and neck were flushed but she handled the confrontation in a very satisfying way for me! I thought she showed some adult level anger that was well justified.
i'm sick of it. the only think i like about it all are YOUR recaps! really.
forgive all my typos and errors. this font is so small i have a hard time seeing it when i'm writing comments. that last one from me was filled with mistakes. but you get my drift, i'm sure.
SGM, Get OUT of my head would you? Carson Kressley comment had me rolling. Excellent Recap. Superb Analysis. LOVE this blog.
I usually have a bunch of things to say but SGM and all the commenters have pretty much read my mind. Jill - ugh. I can't believe I was rooting for a friendship reunion for Jill & Bethenny after the first two episodes. Clearly I was wrong. I hate how she's all "I didn't get a text, I didn't get a lettah, I didn't get a call..." STFU Jill. Seriously, I don't know how she's going to recover from this. I mean, you can't even blame editing on this one.
Absolute favorite line of the night was this insightful gem from the slightly drunk new HW, Jennifer.
'OK, whoever LuAnn's date is? He's got bad hair and he's gay.'
Amen, sister to the bad hair comment ... gay, I can't say. But, skin crawling creepy ... absofuckinglutely.
I think I am going to like Sonja and Jennifer. So far they seem to be keeping it real. I guess there hasn't been enough time for them to come up with a sponsorship, book, brand, jewelry line,fashion event, cocks and couts, a theme for your year [hello, renewal] or thanking your guests for their awesome accessories that are really, really so, like, really, really American.
I always look forward to your recaps and today's was supreme. You take the snob foolery and turn it into comedy gold. Kudos SGM, you're the best!!
I love you and I love this and thank you for validating my extreme and irrational hate for jill ZARIN. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE REUNION. I WANT JILL TO CRY AND THEN PEE.
Loved it SGM!
I really can't stand ANY OF THEM anymore! I don't know if I can't all this drama! These housewives are making me have anxiety attacks during and after the show! I want to grab each and every single one of them, from NYC, NJ and OC, shake them while yelling, YOU ARE FUCKING NUTS YOU KNOW THAT!!!!
Seriously, I don't know if I can continue to watch these shows. They really all need help! If I continue to watch these hot messes I might need help!
The more I watch the more I say, THANK YOU JESUS! I LOVE THAT MY LIFE IS SO BORING COMPARED TO THESE LUNATICS!!
Have we hit the Orange County "they should all be shot" point? Seems like it...
sgm, you are a genious. and you survived the stomach flu! wow.
http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/11/meet_coerte_felske_luann_de_le.html
From NYMag comments: "He reminds me of the Geico Gecko for some reason."
He's 43! My ASS he's 43! OMG! WHAT A LIAR!
My world was not complete while you were away!!! Soooo glad to have you back. I nearly peed my pants at the JT reference. But, for future reference, his name should not be used in the same sentences as any of these beeyotches! LOL!! Also, could you get me a Jersey to English translation dictionary?? I'm having a hard time keeping up!
I love this blog so much. I think that I almost enjoy your recaps as much, if not MORE, than watching the actual show. thank you for doing this for all of us! such fun. :)
Reading this was like drinking a bottle of wine. Thank you.
SGM,
OH. MYGOSH. I can’t add a single thing to your recap. You are brilliant, and you quite possibly may be responsible if I get fired for cackling uncontrollably when I’m “working” at my job.
I am dying to see Countess LuLu and Coerte’s “kissing” scene this week. *gagging whilst guffawing*
xo
Perfectly said SGM. I cannot WAIT for the reunion show.....
LOVED the recap! It was enough to drive this lurker out of hiding. I know you needed a break from all the extended recaps you were doing, and so I won't expect long ones like this regularly but ahh, this was excellent.
Btw -- 43 didn't seem right to me either, Mary, so I did a 5-second google sleuth. http://nymag.com/nymetro/arts/features/1716/ This article, also appearing in nymag BUT IN 1998 (!), refers to Coerte as "the 38-year-old author". Assuming he didn't feel the need to lie back then, he's 50. Since when does a journalist take an aging hipster's word on how old he is? Geez.
The reunion show will be amazing. Cannot wait.
Is Bethenney leaving the show? I think she might be pulling a Jeanna or Lauri and leaving mid-season to concentrate on her personal life (or tape her new Bravo show).
If/When she leaves, there will be room for the new housewives. They do seem to keep it real, but after a few episodes, or seasons, they will get sucked in and act like fools.
This show is turrible. Just turrible. And I love it all.