"Look at this drama she's creating at your party. I apologize."
Monday, May 10, 2010 
Ah, Jill. The only considerate one in the bunch. There's just nothing worse than someone who creates a scene to get attention, is there? It was embarrassing, really, how Alex tried to hog the spotlight by picking a fight with you after you sent her that thoughtful text about Bethenny's dad. She actually tried to sit down and talk to you when everyone knows that the best way to defuse a situation is to throw a screaming, crying temper tantrum, followed by hysterical weeping in your host's pantry.
You know what, Jill? I have been barfed on multiple times in the past 48 hours and I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR NONSENSE. None at all. That goes for your friend LuAnn too. The gloves are OFF.
Now then. Where were we? Oh yes! Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:
1. We see LuAnn and Sonja getting ready for the Cocktails and Couture party. LuAnn is basically ready, and she's just putting on the final touches: kissing herself in the mirror and fishing for compliments. "Do you like my hair up?" she asks, tearing her gaze away from her reflection. Sonja, still in her robe with wet hair, agrees that yes, LuAnn looks fine, whatever.
LuAnn leaves Sonja and heads down the stairs--she'll be damned if she takes that elevator--to greet the first guest, who is none other than ALEX!
LuAnn, her voice full of concern, tells Alex that she's so glad to see her because "the other night was so horrifying." What happened? Did they witness a fatal car crash? Maybe a beating death? No! The Countess is referring to Alex's Bethenny-has-had-enough-of-your-shit message to Jill. She calls Alex heartless and repeatedly demands that she apologize to Jill, but she says "sweetheart" and "darling" because that's how you make rude stuff polite. After dropping these bombs, she breezily excuses herself to greet her other guests.
"Sweetheart, you are mean and heartless. By the way, what do you think of my hair? Don't you like it up?"
Alex is having none of that and tells the camera that Lu needs to mind her own damn business. AMEN. But LuAnn returns to Alex in the poop-strewn backyard to continue her lecture. "You need to make Jill feel better," LuAnn orders, and I am dying for Alex to say "MAKE ME." But she doesn't. She's very mature and calm and she doesn't back down one single inch. The best, the very best part, is when LuAnn tells Alex that this is Bethenny and Jill's fight and she can't choose sides. !!!! What a sanctimonious asshole! Oh, and what about LuAnn's indignant "who made you God?" She richly deserved Alex's comeback, which was a variation of "what are you, a retard?"
Sonja makes her grand entrance, and guess what? Her hair is UP. Oh no. NO. The Countess raises her eyebrows in displeasure and murmurs "oh, your hair is up," and you can tell she's super-pissed that Sonja is trying to steal her hair thunder. Sadly, I'm not making this up.
Kelly arrives hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii and hands LuAnn an armful of clothes. "Wha? Like, wha?" Kelly sputters, and LuAnn explains that the clothes will be sold to rich people and that all of the proceeds will benefit the homeless. "Like you?" Kelly asks. Oh, I was praying she would say that, but of course she didn't because she was all tangled up in a pile of hangers. Or something like that.
"Hiiiiiiiiii! Wait, these walls are painted Tangerine Melt, right? I knew it! That's what I use for my self-tanner!"
Jill arrives. The Countess sidles up to her, telling her "I fixed it," meaning that she arranged for Alex to prostrate herself in front of Jill when of course no such thing happened. She says something like, "no crying tonight, darling; you're going to be happy" and for a moment, just a split second, I feel sorry for Jill. How depressing it must be when your main ally is a complete dick.
Alex and Jill are finally in the same area. Jill greets her formally and then ignores her for the rest of the night. AWKWARD. But Alex is married to a man who wears red patent pants, so she's used to that.
Now it's Bobby Zarin's turn to ask for an apology on Jill's behalf. Since Bobby's generally a reasonable person and not a self-centered hypocrite, Alex agrees to at least talk to Jill.
Meanwhile, Jill is sobbing to Kelly. She's so sorry for so much! But she was ambushed! She didn't have her notes/scorecard when she saw Bethenny at Ramoner's, so what other choice did she have but to tell Bethenny to fuck off? Why did Bethenny interpret that as the end of their friendship? Why is Alex so meeeeeeeeean?
"Just because I compared her to cansuh doesn't mean that I want her out of my life!"
Cry me a river. (And Jill, if you don't understand this figure of speech, I'm sure Kelly will be happy to explain the literary history of it, starting with Justin Timberlake.)
Later, after Jill has finished her pity party (which let's be honest, it never really ends), Alex approaches her to talk. Jill, never one to learn a lesson, shuts her right down. "Not now. I have nothing to say," she says. Doesn't even bother to make eye contact as she charges past, ostensibly looking for Bobbers. Alex tells the camera, "we're not going to recover from this and I'm okay with that." YES! It's about time! Burn that bridge to the motherfucking GROUND, Alex.
2. Let's fast-forward here. Bethenny calls Ramoner, crying, on the way to the airport. Her father called and now wants to see her. Ramoner is shocked, and her eyes make a run for it.
But she's kind, and offers emotional support.
3. Remember when Kelly was wandering around photographing trendsetters/homeless people and asking them if they wear underwear? Gotham magazine decides that that is some award-winning work deserving of a party. Jill, new girl Jennifer and Sonja all show up. Jill wants to sit down but Kelly declines because "my dress won't allow me to." God, dresses can be so strict! I hate when mine doesn't let me go to the mall with my friends.
There are two real pieces of action here. First, LuAnn struts in with Court, a tiny wisp of a man who is one nose away from being Carson Kressley.
Let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Court starts hitting on LuAnn in the grossest, most leering way and LuAnn is lapping it up like Ginger with Jill's boogers (I think I just lost half of you). It's strangely gratifying, because this guy is um, weird and icky and I'm pretty sure he sings Michael Bolton songs at a Vegas casino off the strip and LuAnn's making gooey faces at him like he's Gerard Butler. They slip away into the night to do God knows what to each other. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. It's worse than anything Ginger does.
Next: Alex and Simon show up. Alex tells Simon to stick close, be her wingman and help her avoid Jill. Simon agrees and then promptly goes to sit with Jill and caress her legs.
"See, Alex? I told you I'm not gay."
The air is thick with tension. Kelly stands on a table and makes some sort of speech that starts with "as you know, I used to be a fashion editor...." Everyone listening mentally adds "in name only" and tunes out (or was that only me?). Jill, ensconced in her friends, is giving Alex these dangerous smiles and clearly trying to start shit. Alex doesn't take the bait and she gets out of there.
"I've never seen a group of women with so many issues!" exclaims new girl Jennifer. Aw, poor thing must not have a tv.
4. Ramona tries on wedding dresses. I am boycotting in-depth coverage of any renewal of vows ceremonies on Bravo; I hope you understand.
5. All of the once-divorced ladies go for a massage or pilates or something spiritual like that. LuAnn preaches for a while about depression and then they talk about the prescription drugs they used to get through their divorces.
6. Bethenny's in LA with Jason and the Bravo cameras, and her father has died. She's emotional and upset, but is glad she was with him in his last days.
7. Ramoner asks Sonja and Jill out for lunch and invites them to her bachelorette party. It's going to be a girls' trip, and Jill is beside herself with excitement:
Yes! Without even faking a calendar check, Jill says she probably won't be able to go. "You're going," says Ramoner, good-naturedly, "of course you're going!" This, my friends, is foreshadowing.
8. Jennifer is hosting a Housewives cocktail party at her house for no good reason other than to provide the setting for a fight or two.
Jill is one of the first to arrive and she asks Jennifer, "who's coming, so I can talk about them before they get here." She smiles her shark smile and we all know that she smells blood in the water. Countess Butthole and Baloney for Brains trail in and then Ramoner. "I just received a very disturbing email," she says, "Bethenny's father passed away."
Jill LOSES IT. "How could ya not tell anybody?" she shouts. "How could ya not tell anybody he was about to die!" Kelly's all Zoolander in the background and the Countess is doing her usual droning, "it's the point of making a gesture."
Ramoner handles herself beautifully, just beautifully. She informs Jill that 1) she just found out herself and 2) contrary to what Jill might think, she is not Ramoner's first priority. She tells Jill that it wasn't her place to spread the news of Bethenny's dad's illness, especially to Jill: "Last time you spoke to [Bethenny], you hung up on her and you made her cry!" BURN.
Now all of the sudden, to the camera, Bethenny is like a sister to Jill. Jill took her in when she didn't have a home! They had a big fight, but it doesn't mean they're never friends again! What a bunch of crap. Everyone saw Alex tell Jill about Bethenny's dad and she blew it off without a second thought. Now, when she realize that millions of people have seen her behave like a self-centered, self-serving jackass, she desperately try to throw the blame on someone else. Nice try, Jill, but you're only digging yourself deeper.
Jill continues to rage on Ramoner, screaming "ya not my friend!" and "how do ya not give may a chance to cawl hah?" Oh, the world is so cruel to Jill! She can't take it, so she runs into Jennifer's pantry.
Kelly wanders in after her. "Nice pantry," Jill sniffles after a bit. Meanwhile, LuAnn is outside getting aggro with Ramoner "I couldn't believe you did that to Jill!" Ridiculous. I am already looking forward to the reunion and Bethenny's commentary on this scene.
Sonja walks in the door, and then Alex. Jill greets Alex and Alex responds with the most cold, the most theatrical "HOW COULD YOU?" Jill's all "WHAT?" Apparently Jill had sent a text to Alex saying "did ya hear Bethenny's fathuh died?" Jill says she was just being nice but JESUS, Jill, how stupid do you think we are? She obviously sent the text to scoop Alex and make her feel like shit, and she wanted to gossip. Alex sees through all that and lets loose on Jill. Just lets it fly and says everything we've been wanting her to say: Jill is mean, she's childish and she's fake.
Jill ignores her and grins as if to say "would ya look at this lunatic?" Look at this picture:
She's not even listening. (Kelly just looks like the village idiot). Too bad, because these are things Jill needs to face if she wants to pull herself out of the toilet in which she is currently swimming. By the way, Alex says she asked Kelly to move and she refused.
Alex and Jill are finally, completely, irrevocably finished. I hope.
Your turn.
Reader Comments (63)
As always, a wonderful recap! I don't have to cover my eyes to read it, unlike when I watch this season!
Could Jill be enduring a terrible menopuse, or does she need an exorcism??
"Countess Butthole and Baloney for Brains..." Best. Nicknames. Ever. I am at work TRYING to keep it on the D.L. that I'm reading you, and you are not making it easy, SGM. Have a heart, for the love of Zarin Fabrics!!!!
Jill is a vampire. Or vam-PYYY-uh, as she might say. Horrible, blood-sucking, nasty, evil wench with an idiot for a minion - and I do NOT mean Kelly here. I'm lookin at you, Countess Butthole.
Who KNEW that Ramoner would turn out to the be the most logical, sensible housewife besides Alex? I am loving them both more and more each day.'
Ugh, reading your recap has brought it all back. My stomach is churning now - I need a shot of Maalox with a Pepto back.
Mwah! Love love loves!
Merci,
Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Oh my God! Best recap ever, and I've been reading since you first began with these girls! Seriously, the two newest seem the most normal, and I want to just give a round of applause to Alex for having some dignity and class when dealing with Countess Butthole (which is the second best nickname after baloney for brains).
I think we are all losing sight of the real villain here. I mean, for Bethenny's father to die before checking with Jill, the nerve!
I would miss Kelly; I have grown quite fond of her "rully, rully..." tic.
I would love if they built a pantry on the set of the reunion show for the ladies to run into every time they want to cry!
Check out the prices for one of his books on amazon http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0312976976/ref=dp_olp_used?ie=UTF8&condition=used
Link doesnt work, but it was for Millenium girl, 1 cent plus shipping.
As usual, your recap was simply genius. However, you left out my favorite Alex quote (which I am paraphrasing): You are in high school and I am in Brooklyn.
You know what I JUST realized? That now Jill has no case against bethany for not calling when bobby was sick. Because we saw on TV that she KNEW that Bethany's father was dying and she shrugged and moved on. THAT IS WHY SHE WENT APE SHIT AT THE PARTY! Because she lost her little chance to be right.
So Bethenny's father died. Big deal. it's not like Bawby, who got cut his throat cut eah-to-eah.
I am with JenJen - pantries for everyone! Let's have a pantry raid! Don't get your pantry in a wad! I wonder if her pantry has pantry liners on the shelves...
Okay, I'll stop now.
Merci,
Shan
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THANKS THALIA!!! Glad to see I am not the only one who thought his age was absolutely insane!!
The best part of watching this show is being able to follow along with your recaps. Gracias!
I picture Jill at the reunion... Like ginger with the vet. Cornered and nervous shitting all over the carpet, Alex stepping in it and spreading it all over the room with her plastic shoes! ha
@ Dawn LMAO!!! I forgot about that quote!
So much geniosity, but this had me HOWLING: Court starts hitting on LuAnn in the grossest, most leering way and LuAnn is lapping it up like Ginger with Jill's boogers (I think I just lost half of you). It's strangely gratifying, because this guy is um, weird and icky and I'm pretty sure he sings Michael Bolton songs at a Vegas casino off the strip and LuAnn's making gooey faces at him like he's Gerard Butler.
And the Village Idiot bit... I can't!!
LuAnn's date ... how dreadful! It's not the whiplash-inducing laugh...it's not his frosted tips....or his oily demeanor. He looks as though he'd pop positive for every STD known to man and I would love, love, love to at least see Luann with a wicked dose of crabs. Somehow I don't think publicly raking your crotch is considered elegant in her world.
Excellent recap!!! SGM you are da best!!!!
Sketch42 - Brilliant insight and absolutely spot on.
Thanks for the recap...That pic/caption of Simon made me laugh (but not as hard as your "check out my boner in my awesome bourdeaux stained pleather pants - that was the best).
I miss Frank's butt.
Another new housewife? Before you know Andy will be giving me a little ringy dingy asking me to host pantry parties for homeless people too. Oh, and as for the reunion show, Jill and the Cuntess deserve one mofo smackdown..from me.
Shan, LOL, LOL, LOL !! Your post gave me the giggle for the day that I so desperately needed, thank you.
@MODG, I love you. :)
Jill is absolutely frustrating this season...it's like she just gave up and is now showing her true colors, and they ain't cute. I'm loving Alex, and I used to be so bothered by the McCord-Van Kempens.
And I can not wait for that girls weekend...."GO TO SLEEEEP!" :)