"Look at this drama she's creating at your party. I apologize."
Monday, May 10, 2010 
Ah, Jill. The only considerate one in the bunch. There's just nothing worse than someone who creates a scene to get attention, is there? It was embarrassing, really, how Alex tried to hog the spotlight by picking a fight with you after you sent her that thoughtful text about Bethenny's dad. She actually tried to sit down and talk to you when everyone knows that the best way to defuse a situation is to throw a screaming, crying temper tantrum, followed by hysterical weeping in your host's pantry.
You know what, Jill? I have been barfed on multiple times in the past 48 hours and I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR NONSENSE. None at all. That goes for your friend LuAnn too. The gloves are OFF.
Now then. Where were we? Oh yes! Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:
1. We see LuAnn and Sonja getting ready for the Cocktails and Couture party. LuAnn is basically ready, and she's just putting on the final touches: kissing herself in the mirror and fishing for compliments. "Do you like my hair up?" she asks, tearing her gaze away from her reflection. Sonja, still in her robe with wet hair, agrees that yes, LuAnn looks fine, whatever.
LuAnn leaves Sonja and heads down the stairs--she'll be damned if she takes that elevator--to greet the first guest, who is none other than ALEX!
LuAnn, her voice full of concern, tells Alex that she's so glad to see her because "the other night was so horrifying." What happened? Did they witness a fatal car crash? Maybe a beating death? No! The Countess is referring to Alex's Bethenny-has-had-enough-of-your-shit message to Jill. She calls Alex heartless and repeatedly demands that she apologize to Jill, but she says "sweetheart" and "darling" because that's how you make rude stuff polite. After dropping these bombs, she breezily excuses herself to greet her other guests.
"Sweetheart, you are mean and heartless. By the way, what do you think of my hair? Don't you like it up?"
Alex is having none of that and tells the camera that Lu needs to mind her own damn business. AMEN. But LuAnn returns to Alex in the poop-strewn backyard to continue her lecture. "You need to make Jill feel better," LuAnn orders, and I am dying for Alex to say "MAKE ME." But she doesn't. She's very mature and calm and she doesn't back down one single inch. The best, the very best part, is when LuAnn tells Alex that this is Bethenny and Jill's fight and she can't choose sides. !!!! What a sanctimonious asshole! Oh, and what about LuAnn's indignant "who made you God?" She richly deserved Alex's comeback, which was a variation of "what are you, a retard?"
Sonja makes her grand entrance, and guess what? Her hair is UP. Oh no. NO. The Countess raises her eyebrows in displeasure and murmurs "oh, your hair is up," and you can tell she's super-pissed that Sonja is trying to steal her hair thunder. Sadly, I'm not making this up.
Kelly arrives hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii and hands LuAnn an armful of clothes. "Wha? Like, wha?" Kelly sputters, and LuAnn explains that the clothes will be sold to rich people and that all of the proceeds will benefit the homeless. "Like you?" Kelly asks. Oh, I was praying she would say that, but of course she didn't because she was all tangled up in a pile of hangers. Or something like that.
"Hiiiiiiiiii! Wait, these walls are painted Tangerine Melt, right? I knew it! That's what I use for my self-tanner!"
Jill arrives. The Countess sidles up to her, telling her "I fixed it," meaning that she arranged for Alex to prostrate herself in front of Jill when of course no such thing happened. She says something like, "no crying tonight, darling; you're going to be happy" and for a moment, just a split second, I feel sorry for Jill. How depressing it must be when your main ally is a complete dick.
Alex and Jill are finally in the same area. Jill greets her formally and then ignores her for the rest of the night. AWKWARD. But Alex is married to a man who wears red patent pants, so she's used to that.
Now it's Bobby Zarin's turn to ask for an apology on Jill's behalf. Since Bobby's generally a reasonable person and not a self-centered hypocrite, Alex agrees to at least talk to Jill.
Meanwhile, Jill is sobbing to Kelly. She's so sorry for so much! But she was ambushed! She didn't have her notes/scorecard when she saw Bethenny at Ramoner's, so what other choice did she have but to tell Bethenny to fuck off? Why did Bethenny interpret that as the end of their friendship? Why is Alex so meeeeeeeeean?
"Just because I compared her to cansuh doesn't mean that I want her out of my life!"
Cry me a river. (And Jill, if you don't understand this figure of speech, I'm sure Kelly will be happy to explain the literary history of it, starting with Justin Timberlake.)
Later, after Jill has finished her pity party (which let's be honest, it never really ends), Alex approaches her to talk. Jill, never one to learn a lesson, shuts her right down. "Not now. I have nothing to say," she says. Doesn't even bother to make eye contact as she charges past, ostensibly looking for Bobbers. Alex tells the camera, "we're not going to recover from this and I'm okay with that." YES! It's about time! Burn that bridge to the motherfucking GROUND, Alex.
2. Let's fast-forward here. Bethenny calls Ramoner, crying, on the way to the airport. Her father called and now wants to see her. Ramoner is shocked, and her eyes make a run for it.
But she's kind, and offers emotional support.
3. Remember when Kelly was wandering around photographing trendsetters/homeless people and asking them if they wear underwear? Gotham magazine decides that that is some award-winning work deserving of a party. Jill, new girl Jennifer and Sonja all show up. Jill wants to sit down but Kelly declines because "my dress won't allow me to." God, dresses can be so strict! I hate when mine doesn't let me go to the mall with my friends.
There are two real pieces of action here. First, LuAnn struts in with Court, a tiny wisp of a man who is one nose away from being Carson Kressley.
Let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Court starts hitting on LuAnn in the grossest, most leering way and LuAnn is lapping it up like Ginger with Jill's boogers (I think I just lost half of you). It's strangely gratifying, because this guy is um, weird and icky and I'm pretty sure he sings Michael Bolton songs at a Vegas casino off the strip and LuAnn's making gooey faces at him like he's Gerard Butler. They slip away into the night to do God knows what to each other. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. It's worse than anything Ginger does.
Next: Alex and Simon show up. Alex tells Simon to stick close, be her wingman and help her avoid Jill. Simon agrees and then promptly goes to sit with Jill and caress her legs.
"See, Alex? I told you I'm not gay."
The air is thick with tension. Kelly stands on a table and makes some sort of speech that starts with "as you know, I used to be a fashion editor...." Everyone listening mentally adds "in name only" and tunes out (or was that only me?). Jill, ensconced in her friends, is giving Alex these dangerous smiles and clearly trying to start shit. Alex doesn't take the bait and she gets out of there.
"I've never seen a group of women with so many issues!" exclaims new girl Jennifer. Aw, poor thing must not have a tv.
4. Ramona tries on wedding dresses. I am boycotting in-depth coverage of any renewal of vows ceremonies on Bravo; I hope you understand.
5. All of the once-divorced ladies go for a massage or pilates or something spiritual like that. LuAnn preaches for a while about depression and then they talk about the prescription drugs they used to get through their divorces.
6. Bethenny's in LA with Jason and the Bravo cameras, and her father has died. She's emotional and upset, but is glad she was with him in his last days.
7. Ramoner asks Sonja and Jill out for lunch and invites them to her bachelorette party. It's going to be a girls' trip, and Jill is beside herself with excitement:
Yes! Without even faking a calendar check, Jill says she probably won't be able to go. "You're going," says Ramoner, good-naturedly, "of course you're going!" This, my friends, is foreshadowing.
8. Jennifer is hosting a Housewives cocktail party at her house for no good reason other than to provide the setting for a fight or two.
Jill is one of the first to arrive and she asks Jennifer, "who's coming, so I can talk about them before they get here." She smiles her shark smile and we all know that she smells blood in the water. Countess Butthole and Baloney for Brains trail in and then Ramoner. "I just received a very disturbing email," she says, "Bethenny's father passed away."
Jill LOSES IT. "How could ya not tell anybody?" she shouts. "How could ya not tell anybody he was about to die!" Kelly's all Zoolander in the background and the Countess is doing her usual droning, "it's the point of making a gesture."
Ramoner handles herself beautifully, just beautifully. She informs Jill that 1) she just found out herself and 2) contrary to what Jill might think, she is not Ramoner's first priority. She tells Jill that it wasn't her place to spread the news of Bethenny's dad's illness, especially to Jill: "Last time you spoke to [Bethenny], you hung up on her and you made her cry!" BURN.
Now all of the sudden, to the camera, Bethenny is like a sister to Jill. Jill took her in when she didn't have a home! They had a big fight, but it doesn't mean they're never friends again! What a bunch of crap. Everyone saw Alex tell Jill about Bethenny's dad and she blew it off without a second thought. Now, when she realize that millions of people have seen her behave like a self-centered, self-serving jackass, she desperately try to throw the blame on someone else. Nice try, Jill, but you're only digging yourself deeper.
Jill continues to rage on Ramoner, screaming "ya not my friend!" and "how do ya not give may a chance to cawl hah?" Oh, the world is so cruel to Jill! She can't take it, so she runs into Jennifer's pantry.
Kelly wanders in after her. "Nice pantry," Jill sniffles after a bit. Meanwhile, LuAnn is outside getting aggro with Ramoner "I couldn't believe you did that to Jill!" Ridiculous. I am already looking forward to the reunion and Bethenny's commentary on this scene.
Sonja walks in the door, and then Alex. Jill greets Alex and Alex responds with the most cold, the most theatrical "HOW COULD YOU?" Jill's all "WHAT?" Apparently Jill had sent a text to Alex saying "did ya hear Bethenny's fathuh died?" Jill says she was just being nice but JESUS, Jill, how stupid do you think we are? She obviously sent the text to scoop Alex and make her feel like shit, and she wanted to gossip. Alex sees through all that and lets loose on Jill. Just lets it fly and says everything we've been wanting her to say: Jill is mean, she's childish and she's fake.
Jill ignores her and grins as if to say "would ya look at this lunatic?" Look at this picture:
She's not even listening. (Kelly just looks like the village idiot). Too bad, because these are things Jill needs to face if she wants to pull herself out of the toilet in which she is currently swimming. By the way, Alex says she asked Kelly to move and she refused.
Alex and Jill are finally, completely, irrevocably finished. I hope.
Your turn.
Reader Comments (63)
the discountess needs a slap and/or drink in the face
The only thing I can think of to add is this: WHY DIDN'T YOU BUTTFUCKERS TELL ME COURT AND BARRY WHITE WERE MAKING OUT IN THE PREVIEW. MY GUARD WAS DONE AND I WAS EATING,, YOU ASSHOLES.
I really hope someone asks them on the reunion show about running into the pantry.
I love how Jill ordered Kelly to leave the Gotham party and she does. Idiot. Can't wait for next week to watch Kelly unravel.
SGM..I swear you were in my head when I was watching this show today. But really did you have to say Corte looked like Carson Kressley? Really? Cuz I LOVE Carson Kressley (even though I can't spell his name worth shit right now) I mean..really! I think I'd rather kiss Carson then Corte. WHO WOULDN'T?
BUT..I think he looks more like a smaller version of Gerard Depardieu. BLECH!!
Jill and the Countless...UGH!!!
Kelly...DOUBLE UGH! (but I would kind of kill for her body...minus the wonky boobs)
Ramoner....She kills me. Personally, I like a person who can tell it like it is. Even if she's going bat crazy at the same time.
Alex..its about damn time she grew some balls (and stopped playign with Simon's) and let them all have it. YOU GO GIRL WITH YOUR BLOTCHY SELF!! (did anyone else want to give her a benadryl to help with her splotchy blotches?) Ok, maybe that was just me.
SGM..YOU ROCK! :)
Funniest Comment Award:
"YOU GO GIRL WITH YOUR BLOTCHY SELF"
Oooooooooooooops forgot to add.
Was anyone else wishing that when Kelly and Jill tried to get out of the pantry that the door would of locked behind them or something?
;)
Jill...Kelly...open the door.
Kelly: I "like" can't "like" get it "like" opened.
Jill: Kelly...open the FUCKIN door.
Kelly: JILL..i'm up here, and you are "like" down there. So "like" you should be "like" able to "like" reach the handle"
Jill: Kelly, quit fucking saying LIKE and fucking open the fucking door, like fucking NOW!!!
then they rub themselves in the extra virgin olive oil that's in the pantry and do nasty things to each other. The whole time saying ,"like" and "fuck"
bawhahahahahhahaha!!!
You all are the best, the funniest, the smartest. BFFs. All of us.
I CANNOT stop giggling at the use of the word "buttfucker" and the image of the locked pantry and olive oil porn. !!!!!!!!
Has anyone read the book Queenbees and Wannabes? It is a fascinating book about girls and cliques. The book talks about different roles that girls play in middle school and high school cliques-the Queenbee, Sidekick, Banker, Wannbe, Victim, etc. At any rate, Jill is so completely a Queenbee and Countless is completely the Sidekick, ready to stand up for the Queenbee at any cost in order to maintain her position in the hierarchy. Kelly is obviously the Wannabe that is so excited to be part of the cool crowd that she will sacrifice her own personality (if she even had enough brain power for a personality is debatable...) Bethenny is clearly the Victim and I think Ramoner is the Banker-she has info on everyone and will use it at her own convenience to maintain power. Although I do agree with other comments that Ramona does somehow manage to seem good at heart despite her crazy. Not sure about Alex though...is it possible at the present time she seems the most well adjusted? I never would have guessed!
That's the book Mean Girls was based on.
Did you see THIS? Countess Luann UN-AUTO TUNED in the studio!
Too funny - producer basically tells her she has no talent and she takes it as a compliment. The last 5 secs of this video made my ears bleed.
http://tvwatch.people.com/2010/05/13/luann-countess-singing-housewives-money/
I believe Bethany is getting her own show or so I thought I saw trailers for it. Hence, I believe the reason for the new girls. Gotta agree with all these posts. I loved Jill and LuAnn the first year. They seemed like the only normal ones - it was down hill from there. LuAnn got a little snotty the second year with her "title" give me break. Jill however, this season is unbearable. I have always liked her but this season she's horrible. Bethany got annoying as well with her over the top remarks and sarcasim - but I always liked her before. Had to say I felt bad for her when she tried to reconnect with Jill and Jill was a total BITCH. Give me a break - so what if Bethany said get a hobby - you know how many times my close girlfriends and I say something in a heated moment - we're pissed and then laugh about it later. Jill didn't even blink before about Bethany and her dad and then felt like she had a right to the info. Gotta hand it to Alex this season - love her. I can so see how she had it - and just went after Jill at the party. Alex has always remained neutral in these affairs but had to hand it to her. Jill needs to get off her soap box. PLEASE and as for Lu Ann that woman is stirring the pot every week. She could have said to Jill many times - oh Honey - get over it and call Bethany - instead she adds fuel to the fire. Can't wait to see tonights show.
As for Housewives of Jersey - gotta say - I'm a little bored and Danielle who I felt sorry for is finally getting on my last nerve -- pathetic and annoying.
You are the greatest!!
This blog is the only reason I watch TRWONY ! I am really hoping that one day yo get your own show just to recap of these reality shows-calling out all these morons in these reality shows.
JILL-She is really a blood sucker, I ws so happy that Alex got a cahnce to tell her off
CUNTESS-She really irritaes the hell out me and she really deserve that sleezy creep for a potential boyfriend. The new girl jennifer spoke my mind " isn't he gay?" I thought the guy was just a gay BFF and then voila they started whispering sweet somethings into each other's ears ewwwwwww!
KELLY-Oh Lord! How dumb is she? Like accesories like they are what America is WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU AIR HEAD? THEY SEND PEOPLE TO WARS TO FIGHT FOR ACCESSORIES...AND YOU? That is the reason ladies thatt I am so anti war! They say lick the hand that feeds you and that is why kelly is doing to Jill-She is a rich bitch you know.
ALEX-My love for her is growing with each episode; I would really have to send her alove letter one of these days.
RAMONER-She is sometimes sane sometimes crazy sometimes sane _she just gives me a whip lash
SONJA-So far so good
BETHANY-get off the victim train! You used to be cool!