"I'm not gonna get over it. I'm over it."
Monday, February 15, 2010 
Wow, Lynne, that was quick! I have a feeling that in the short pause between the first sentence and the second, she completely forgot that she was supposed to be angry. Forget and forgive, that's what I always say.
The latest episode of Real Housewives of Orange County saw the ladies of Coto de Caza take their big-tittied show on the road--to San Francisco, the perfect place to spend loads of money when you're flat-ass broke. Here's your recap:
1. We pick up where we left off last week, with Lynne's daughter Raquel being served with the notice of eviction. She drops it to the floor and nasally moans, "is this real or am I dreaming because I am so fucking hung over?" Oh, it's real, Raquel. As real as your beer-scented sister sitting next to you. They both confusedly whine "what the fuck" at least 7 times and then Raquel calls Lynne. "What the fuck?" she demands of her mother while Alexa echoes the sentiment while keeping one eye on the tv. Raquel keeps her middle finger extended and in front of her face to discourage Bravo from using the footage. In my mind, I picture a Bravo producer reviewing this scene and narrowing his eyes, whispering "nice try, bitch, but not on my watch."
Lynne recounts her girls' "scared" reaction to the camera. She's feeling terribly guilty and embarrassed, and a few tears squeeze out of her eyes.
It's hard to keep a stiff upper lip, even when it is pumped with filler.
2. Lynne calls Frank for an explanation. She meets him at a park so as not to further upset her alcoholics. Oops, I mean daughters.
As Frank begins to talk, Lynne's unmoving face masks a storm of fury inside. We know this because she keeps interrupting with the ubiquitous "what the fuck!" in an angry voice. Frank owns up to everything, telling Lynne that they were in over their heads with that house in the first place, and that he failed to pay the deposit. He feels shame. Lynne's pissed because she had no clue about any of this, and Frank responds by telling her that she lives in a "microcosm" (translation: fantasy world) and has never wanted to hear the truth about their finances.
"What do you mean I don't want to face our money problems? I want to...WHOA, look at those wrinkles on my arms! I'm going to hit the plastic surgeon's office on the way home. Shouldn't be more than five grand."
There's a lot of gibberish in this conversation, such as Lynne exclaiming "don't victimize me!" several times. Huh? Then Lynne claims that if Frank would have just told her about the deposit, she would have paid it herself. With what? Cuffs covered in fake leather? Leftover money from the plastic surgery budget?
Lynne finally walks off, furious with Frank for not being upfront with her and frightened for the future. OR SO WE THINK.
3. Vicki returns home from a business meeting and upon seeing Briana, greets her like she would a puppy or an infant. "Hi pretty girl!" she coos to her 25 year old (or thereabouts) daughter. "How's my little princess?" Fucking crazy.
Briana sits Vicki down and tells her that the doctor has found some nodules on her thyroid that will need to be biopsied.
"Mom, stop! I'm trying to be serious but you keep tickling my neck and rubbing my belly."
Vicki's not sure she can fit that into her schedule--she works, you know--and Briana tells the camera with a nervous chuckle, "I might have cancer and all my mom thinks about is work." You best get your priorities straight, Vicki. Briana's your best kid by a long shot.
4. Needing some emotional support after her confrontation with Frank, Lynne does the only logical thing--she visits Tamra. Tamra! She tells an even more exaggerrated (false) story of her kids getting the eviction notice: "they threw the paper at Raquel! The girls were crying!" Tamra actually does a pretty decent job of consoling Lynne, who is now alluding to divorce. "I was divorced once," Tamra tells her. "You don't want to that that. You've got to stick it out." VERY REVEALING, eh?
Tamra has organized a girls' trip (for girls this time!) to San Francisco. She convinces Lynne to go, and Lynne agrees that it will be good for her to get away.
5. Alexis and Gretchen go out for dinner. Alexis orders a Skinnygirl margarita. "What's that?" Gretchen asks innocently. Oh, for the love of GOD! Gretchen, you just destroyed any credibility you had with me. Anyhow, they gossip about the San Francisco trip and bitch about Vicki--always time well-spent.
6. Vicki was apparently able to shift her schedule around and accompanies Briana to her biopsy. Vicki's scared because her even-keeled nurse daughter is scared, and this is the closest I will ever come to feeling sympathy for Vicki. She cries to the camera and I wish Daddy Donn was there to offer her some comfort.
7. Alexis walks into Jim's "office" at home where he is "working." She's wearing the uniform of all stay-at-home moms: bootyshorts and a very strained button-down shirt. Strained as in, when those buttons finally pop, they're going to spray the room like machine gun fire.
So guess what? Alexis doesn't want to go the San Francisco without Jim. She'll miss him too much! How on earth will she know what to eat or wear or do? How will he manage the children and two nannies on his own? Incredibly, Jim reassures her that she can go without him because 1) he's comfortable with the group of women she's going with and 2) he's fucking one of the nannies. Just kidding on that last one. I'm pretty sure it's both of the nannies. Alexis reluctantly agrees to go.
8. Vicki is in front of the camera with a laundry list of why she's not loving the idea of going on this trip: she's been the victim of an unprovoked "hatefest;" Simon is wrong and bad and Tamra is wrong and bad for taking his side; Alexis is self-centered; and Gretchen looks like a rats's ass. But she's going on the trip anyway, you know, to make amends. I do believe I snorted daintily at this part.
9. Everyone's boarding the plane to San Francisco! Things are a little tense as no one has seen Vicki since the debaucle at Lynne's housewarming party. Vicki eyes the group to see if any dudes decided to crash the trip this time. She tells the camera, "I keep thinking that smelly dork Jim will show up." God, me too! It's my recurring nightmare, that he will appear at the foot of my bed in the middle of the night. {shudder} Anyhow, they all manage to keep things light and the first-class flight (brought to you by Bravo!) is without drama.
10. Out for a fancy dinner in San Francisco, and everyone is dressed like a goddamn hooker. Why am I surprised? You can take the girls out of Orange County, but you can't take Orange County out of the girls.
We see Alexis take what looks to be four phone calls from Jim at the dinner table. Not short this-is-how-you-work-the-microwave type conversations, but I'm-trying-to-kill-a-little-time-here conversations. Vicki, of course, is visibly annoyed, and everyone else is raising eyebrows at each other. "It was a little bit rude," says Tamra. Oh, but it's only beginning!
The ladies know about Briana's health concerns and want Vicki to loosen up and DRANK. Alexis bizarrely force feeds her an olive garnish, and someone makes a comment about "they're coming out to play again!" Anyone with eyes can see that Vicki is LIVID and trying her best to suppress it.
Lynne, still needing some sympathy, tells her eviction story again, with even MORE embellishments. Vicki starts in on "as an owner of rental properties..." and the whole world presses MUTE. After that's over, we see Gretchen giving her foie gras rave reviews. Alexis wants to try some, and Gretchen obliges, not realizing that Alexis has the table manners of a three year old. But this soon becomes apparent as Alexis puts the foie gras into her mouth and then promptly, with much fanfare, heaves it into her napkin.
All that's left to do is shake her head violently and shriek "yucky!" but we don't see this because Vicki is now gagging at Alexis' gagging. Instead of apologizing and moving on, Alexis gets defensive. "I'm from Missouri!" she says, as if that explains everything. All you Missourians? You should want to punch her in the stomach right now.
Meanwhile, Alexis won't shut up. About the texture, about her gagging sensation, about her Missourian aversion to swallowing. I have a feeling Jim doesn't get many blowjobs. From Alexis, at least. Vicki continues to retch and I am sitting ramrod straight on my couch, muscles tensed, waiting for the chain reaction to start (I happen to be familiar with barfing chain reactions; HERE is just one example). It doesn't, despite Alexis' best efforts, and Gretchen, God love her, eats non-stop throughout Alexis' entire performance. Vicki sums it all up by saying, "[Alexis] is totally classless trash. I don't know why Alexis is even here." I don't either, but I'm glad she is. Very entertaining.
11. The ladies (and I use the word loosely) retire to the Bubble Lounge for some drinks. Briana meets them there, and it is all sparkles and boobs and bleached hair and unnaturally tanned skin. Alexis gets busy texting Jim while Tamra proposes a toast to Briana's health. Then, out of nowhere, Gretchen starts crying. My husband, who is watching with me, whispers "didn't her grandpa die of cancer?"
"Yes," I answer. "But her grandpa was actually her boyfriend."
Gretchen is sad because she doesn't want Briana to go through what grandpa had to go through. It turns into a chain reaction cry, which is highly preferable to the throwing up version.
12. It's the next day and time to shop. No money? No house? No problem! Lynne tries on a $1185 jacket and buys the fucker without hesitation. My eyes were bulging out of my head on this one. Insane.
"Lynne, what the hell are you doing?"
"No, it's okay! Look--my Magic 8 Ball app says 'outlook good.' "
13. The group stops for lunch. Vicki is texting and emailing at the table, and Alexis is troubled. She doesn't understand why Vicki thought it was rude of Alexis to text at dinner, when Vicki is guilty of the very same behavior. Vicki picks up on this and belligerantly asks Alexis if she has a problem. Alexis breaks off this long speech about how Vicki is so awesomely awesome with her business success. She ends with "I don't take issue with your work, but if you want to discuss Lynne's party, that's another issue." And just like that, Alexis pulls the ol' switcheroo on Vicki, who stops dead in her texting tracks so as to fully focus on the rage she is about to unleash.
Aaaaand CUT. It's to be continued from there. Honestly, I can't wait to see how Alexis handles her first tussle with Vicki.
Talk to me.
Reader Comments (52)
I don't think it has to go in your mouth to realize what the texture is like.
Frank is innocent