"Won't you back that ass up?"

That quote is from me, talking about Greg Plitt's hiney. HOLY SMOKES, y'all. He was in his underwear! Wet underwear! There are no photos of this on Bravo's website. Take a moment to visualize. Not too shabby.

This is what happened on Work Out this week.

1. All of the trainers except Jackie get wasted at boot camp. Renessa and Greg Plitt get particularly smashed and as Erica put it, Renessa gets "t-boned" by Greg. I like that term! Crude, yet descriptive.

Greg does not show up at the 5am workout because he is "hung over" which I think is code for "recovering from t-boning Renessa." Renessa does show up, wearing Greg's sweatshirt, natch. This kind of behavior is not unheard of at Sky Sport, as Jesse points out. If Jackie's own actions are any indicator, lots of drinking and hooking up with co-workers/employees is company policy, but apparently there is a boot camp exception and Jackie bitches out Renessa for still being drunk. Note to Jackie: I don't know much about employment law, but I really think that the boot camp exception should be spelled out in the employee handbook in order to avoid confusion. I could write it up if you like. Let me know.

2. Just so you know, I felt intense hatred toward Evil Lisa for gawking at Greg and Renessa getting it on in the hot tub. Also, when everyone was at the bar drinking, Lisa pulled down her tank top and showed everyone her cleavage, joyfully exclaiming "they're real!" What's up with Lisa and tits? SHUT UP!

3. Greg Plitt doesn't see Jackie again until he meets up with her at Sky Sport. I'm not sure how this happened because they all rode up to boot camp on a bus together. How did he get back to LA without seeing her? Maybe he rode Renessa home? (oooooh, bad joke) Anyhow. He walks into Sky Sport, totally happy, not a care in the world. Jackie's all ready to throw down with him and scare his tight firm glutes but she quickly realizes that he doesn't give a damn about possibly being fired. So what does she do? She surrenders to the charm of Greg Plitt and is putty in his Adonis hands. He is off the hook with nary a harsh word and we witness yet another example of Jackie's completely arbitrary treatment of her employees.

4. Next is a super cringe-y part. We find out that not only did Peeler get fired, but his wife (totally forgot he was married!) dumped his ass soon after. He shows up at the Doug Blasdell Foundation auction thingy and proceeds to get hammered in grand style. Here he is getting jiggy with Gregg Not Plitt:

I don't actually remember this part, maybe because I was staring into my lap because I knew something embarrassing was going to happen. Cue the live auction! Peeler doesn't think an item has been bid high enough so he jumps up onto the stage and adds a week of free training to sweeten the pot.

Instead of people clamoring to bid more, there is silence. No further bidding. Cut to Jackie with a smug smile on her face and everyone wants to slap her. Oops. Maybe that's just me. But I doubt it.

End result: Peeler is humiliated in front of a roomful of people. How much more can one man take? We're about to see.

Peeler, even more drunk, pulls Jackie aside and tells her HE LOVES HER and that he wants to be her business partner (I think this was the gist, it was a little garbled). This is agony to watch. I would rather look at Alex McCord's nude photos* than view this again. Jackie tells him he's buzzed, not thinking straight and that she will never ever ever ever ever work with him again blah blah blah. Peeler completely blows up and runs off into the night.

The End.

__________

For those of you who have cable, Jackie's new Work Out video is free On Demand. Rebecca, Renessa, Jesse and Agostina are Jackie's supporting cast if anyone's interested. There are two huge posters of the Jack(ass) on the wall and the video is kind of sexed up (surprise).

See you next week when Jackie's mom hides in her room playing with a cat rather than come out to meet Jackie's new girlfriend and her family.

*I was going to link to them but they are GONE. Looks like someone hired an attorney and is trying to clean up her image.

"If I see one more Amazing Jackie Warner Product, I'm going to jump off a cliff into the ocean"

Jesse, I couldn't agree with you more. Jackie was back in action this week, stroking herself for developing her 387th product, this time an energy bar that "tastes like a candy bar!" What's next? I know!

because SHE IS TOTALLY GRATING ON MY NERVES and also, I would rather rub my face all over one of these than have to listen to any more of her bullshit. This preference for self-mutilation over watching Jackie might interfere with my recaps, but you know. Let's take it one day at a time.

Anyhoo! I will comment on last night's episode of Work Out for you, but first, a tribute to my gays Jesse and JD:

Jesse, you are so gorgeous and full of snappy comebacks. If God had made me a gay man, I would move to LA and book you as my trainer and try to seduce you into some hot sweaty man-on-man action. We could not be together for the long haul because you threw water in Rebecca's face last season, and I could not be with someone who is all dramatic like that. But a one night stand? Mmmm hmmmm.

JD, if I were gay, I would want you to be my life partner. We would be the gay Brangelina and adopt many underprivileged babies together. Not only are you a hard-bodied masseuse, but you are soft-spoken and kind and not all up in everyone's bidness. I would even accept your soul patch/flavor saver.

Just so you know, when you were giving one of the Sky Labbers a massage, I did not appreciate Bravo playing up the orgasm sounds she was making or the zooming in on your hint of butt crack. Bravo turned your beautiful therapeutic massage into something dirty and illicit, and it upset me.

IMPORTANT SCENES FROM THIS WEEK'S EPISODE:

1. Brain Peeler went over to Greg Plitt's (typing that last name simultaneously revolts and thrills me) to eat massive amounts of food and to vent. He told Greg that all he wanted in the first place was for Jackie to apologize. Agreed, Peeler. Then he used the phrase "woman-up" as in "Jackie wouldn't woman-up and apologize." Que? I'm not sure if I should take offense or not. I think I will just chalk it up as Peeler-ism and let it slide. In fact, Peeler could do anything short of rape and murder and I would still take his side over Jackie's.

Greg, who(m?) I haven't been crazy about up until now, was totally on Peeler's side, talking about how Jackie belittles other people to build herself up but that it's only a "temporary satisfaction at best." Renessa, who was also present at this lunch, gets all gooey-eyed at Plitt's non-neanderthal opinion and I have to admit, so did I. I hope you don't get fired by Evil Jackie, Plitty Plitt, although I'm sure you'd be better off. Then Plitt serves his 2 guests this:

. . . as if they were the fuckin' Duggar family (there's a big plate of hotdogs barely peeking out). Just kidding, Greg! I actually appreciate great hospitality like that; I just had to get in the Duggar joke.

2. Jackie tells Peeler's Sky Lab client that Peeler is the most awful person in the world and that's why he was fired (in a nutshell). I had to run to the bathroom and barf during this part. When Peeler's client says that he called her and offered to continue to train her IN THE PARK, my heart almost melted with love.

Jackie convinces the client to remain on the dark side, but the good part is that she assigns JD to be her new trainer.

3. Jackie organizes a retreat/boot camp for Sky Labbers and their trainers. The first morning they are there, Jackie tortures the Sky Labbers (and us) with what seems to be HOURS of crazy frenetic exercise. There is crying and belittling and one lady even throws up. Yes! Clever weight loss plan, Jackie!

3. Trainer Renessa confides to good friend Trainer Rebecca that she has a crush on Plitt. Rebecca tells Plitt this as soon as she gets the chance and then pretty much flirts with him and shoves her chi-chis in his face. God, she sucks!

Later, the trainers all participate in a gratuitous sexy chicken game which I'm sure made the fat Sky Labbers feel AWESOME.

4. Jackie says that in addition to exercise and proper eating, Sky Labbers need therapy to get healthy. Exactly! Maybe some individual counseling with a therapist off-camera? NO! Jackie decides that all of these overweight people should sit in a room with their gorgeous rock-hard trainers (not to mention a national television audience!) to speak about and resolve their deepest emotional issues. Oh, there is some sort of retarded life coach there who speaks about 2 sentences before Jackie takes charge. FUCKING JACKIE! Of course there is a big fight among Sky Labbers, at which point Jackie pontificates and the life coach remains mute. Big surprise.

5. There is a commercial for Flipping Out and I can't wait! Jeff Lewis is such a douche yet I love his good looks and his interiors. I'll just have to watch the show on mute.

That's it! Next week's episode shows the trainers getting inappropriately schnockered at the Sky Lab retreat. Jackie reacts with "blah blah blah," etc, etc.

This post was tres bitter, and I apologize for that but there's no other way to cover this show. I hope you understand.

If anyone is interested, Alex McCord recently updated her Bravo blog with a very innocuous post that mentions nothing about licking the balls of high-society types.

Our darling Jill Zarin also updated recently. Ahhh, Team Jill! Now we're ending on a happy note.

Let me know what you think of Work Out, sexy chicken, Jeff Lewis, Alex McCord or Jessica Simpson's break-up with Tony Romo. Or whatever.

"Peace out, bitch!"

Who hasn't wanted to say this to a hated boss upon quitting/getting fired? Well, Brian Peeler uttered those words last night, and I stood up and applauded him (in my mind because I was eating ice cream). Jackie Warner is SUCH an asshole! Oh my God!

I don't even know where to start.

Quick background for those of you who have never seen Workout on Bravo: Jackie Warner is the owner of Sky Sport, an allegedly elite gym in Beverly Hills. I say allegedly because it really functions as more of a pick-up bar/gossip headquarters for Jackie. She has many trainers working for her, but all you need to know is

(1) all the female trainers--both straight and gay--have kissed Jackie

(2) Trainer Rebecca

dated openly gay Jackie last season. The fact that Rebecca had previously identified herself as straight made this a controversial relationship because everyone thought Rebecca was doing it to get more camera time. They are not dating this season, and Jackie, now newly in love with a young jealous girlfriend, said that her thing with Rebecca was not even a relationship but a "friend with benefits" type of deal. Rebecca's totally going to cry when she hears that! She still wants to be with Jackie, or at least still wants to be one of the main characters on Workout. Rebecca wears LOTS of lipgloss and is very tiresome with her shiny lips and constant, unrelenting need to be the center of attention. She also loves to gossip more than an 8th grade popular girl.

(2) Trainer Brain Peeler

(everyone calls him "Peeler")

and Jackie have never gotten along. She claims Brian is emotional and sensitive. Brian feels like Jackie is out to get him. My opinion is this: Brian has beautiful brown eyes and a Southern accent. He's emotional because Jackie treats him like shit. I like him, especially after what happened tonight.

(4) Jackie has an-effed up background. Dad committed suicide, difficult relationship with her mom, never really had a healthy relationship despite lots of therapy (couples and otherwise), which is of course televised. Ironically, she LOVES to dispense her own brand of unlicensed therapy to all of her employees and clients and it's SO fucking annoying.

(5) A big part of the show is Skylab, which is a Sky Sport program in which participants are handpicked by Jackie to pay a bajillion dollars to be in an intensive boot camp. Lots of drama and tears going on with the participants and their trainers.

(6) Lisa (the one who's all over Jackie and then going all vampire on a trainer).

I don't even know who the hell she is (receptionist or office manager?) but it makes my blood boil just to write about her. She is the devil. In fact, she is so unbelievably awful that I have come to suspect that she's an actress that Bravo hired to stir things up by being over-the-top nasty, and not just in this episode.

Let's get down to business and skip to the last 2 minutes of last night's show because that's the super-best part. Here is the play by play in the event you missed it:

Peeler is training a client. Jackie and Lisa are in Jackie's office watching him through a window. Jackie is complaining about Peeler and how he won't wear his "uniform," which is Jackie's clothing line (just a tiny example of Jackie's bigger-than-Dallas EGO). So professional for a boss to bitch about another employee to her assistant on national tv (can someone clear up what Lisa's title is? Bravo is mum)!

Lisa decides that she's going to go give Peeler a uniform shirt. She walks out to the training area, tosses him the shirt and, in front of his client, tells him to change and to "come see me when you're done." Oooooh, this pissed me off! Who does she think she is?! Amazingly, Brian laughs it off and pretends he didn't just get reprimanded in front of a client.

Lisa walks back into Jackie's office and starts talking shit about Brian's client and how she has "manufactured" breasts. Okay! Rule #1 about the workplace--don't talk shit about your clients when they are there! The client's boyfriend overhears Lisa and walks in to confront her and tells her that the client is a breast cancer survivor! OH SHIT.

Sadly, we don't see any of this go down. Instead we get to see self-serving Jackie retelling the incident with no criticism of Devil Lisa (just "it was an accident"), and saying that there were apologies and everyone left and forgot about it. Riiight. I'm sure the boyfriend felt a-okay when he left!

Next thing we see is Peeler coming to work the next morning and attending a meeting where Jackie is blah-blah-blahing about the trainers competing to be in her new sexy Hollywood fitness video. So freaking arrogant! Peeler tells the camera that he heard about the manufactured breasts incident from the boyfriend and that he's PISSED. Once again, he admirably keeps his shit together until he has a chance to speak with Jackie in private. All he says to her is "I heard about what you said last night and I want to talk to you about my client being disrespected." Oh, so maybe Jackie said something too? Ooooooooh! Instead of saying, "no, it was Lisa and I'm so sorry. I've dealt with that skank Lisa and what can I do to make it better for you?" she says belligerantly "What? I'm not discussing that with you." We can tell that this inflames Brian but he manages to keep calm for few more exchanges with Jackie in which she continues to refuse to talk about it. Then, there is a screaming match in which Peeler is fired, and my darlings, I am happy to report that he goes down in a blaze of glory (to quote Bon Jovi). Lots of screaming bleeped out curse words directed at Jackie, all deeply appreciated by me.

Then to the camera, Jackie says "I had already handled it" and THEN the kicker: "I was the wrong person to bring it up to." I'm sorry, wha? You're the boss! The person in charge! Of resolving employee grievances! Of smoothing things over when you or your employee personally insult a client in a particularly horrific way!

Then cut back to Jackie's office where she's yelling "Lisa, I want Brian out of here now!" Lisa again. Her little minion. But don't worry, Jacks, Brian is already gone. Rebecca and another female trainer come skipping out holding hands (I'm serious) to where the other trainers are gathered to exclaim gleefully, "Jackie just fired Peeler!" and then tell a completely inaccurate account of what happened.

Jackie, you are fucking idiot of the highest order. Peeler, if you're out there, come in for a hug, baby! I hope you take great satisfaction in Jackie's pathetic blog entry on this event and the nasty fallout. She's losing fans, Peeler! Over you!

Did you watch? Discuss!

(sorry this post is up so late; my computer is being a total a-hole)

Your tv watching assignment

1. Workout on Bravo.

Have you seen this show? Filled with unprofessional work relationships, petty arguments, impromptu and unwelcome counseling sessions, gorgeous bodies and Hot Lesbian Action (HLA)--it's begging to be recapped. It's on tonight, same time and place as Real Housewives of NYC. If tonight is your first time watching, you're going to be joining mid-season, so just go with the flow (trust me, it's not that complicated) and I'll do my best to give you some background tomorrow.

An SGM warning: the gorgeous bodies and HLA are a potent cocktail for the heterosexual male. If you want some of the sex tonight, then watch this with the hetero man of your choice and YOU WILL GET SOME. I can pretty much guarantee that you'll be slapping his hands off of your person within 2 minutes of Jackie (pictured above) making out with her girlfriend or any of her female employees.

If you don't want any sexual contact, then you must watch this by yourself or with women who are not your mother or mother-in-law.

2. Intervention on A&E

I will not be covering this show because this documentary-style show about addiction is not that funny, but it is absolutely riveting and I'd like to hear what everyone thinks of it. Last week they showed the most beautiful woman (well, not so much anymore) who was an alcoholic in the process of hitting rock bottom. She looked to be from a well-off Southern family and had been a successful interior designer until her second marriage fell apart and her drinking became out of control. She was such a wreck that she lost custody of her kids Britney-style (supervised visits only at the discretion of her ex). Even though I come from a family with more than its fair share of alcoholics, it is fascinating to see addiction up close like this--to see how the addict thinks and how the people close to the addict react.

I'm also captivated by the role of the camera crew on this show. On the show about the interior designer, the camera person was in the car while the woman was chugging vodka and driving. When she was falling down drunk at a bar, the producer called for a family member to pick her up and then they filmed her getting out of the car, weaving around and then falling over and passing out on her gravel driveway (ouch). Do they just say "cut!" and then walk off? I think they do (and for the record, that's okay in my book), but the whole ethical/moral aspect of all of this makes my brain hurt--in a good and beneficial way.

Those of you who read this blog on a regular basis know how shallow I am, especially when it comes to tv. I'm not a person who likes sad shows or shows which require any amount of introspection or thought. But this is different! Check here to see when it's on (personally I like to watch it after The Hills because it kind of balances me out) and you will be mortified and you might even cry, but then you'll feel better at the end when the intervention happens and the person (usually) gets help.

That's it! Now get cracking with the tv watching and report back tomorrow for a full recap of Workout.