"Do you want to do some from behind? Because they're like, spicy?"

What, Kelly? Did you have a bean burrito for lunch?

GOD. This season should have ended 3 episodes ago, right after the "up here, down there" fight. I would have been clamoring for more! Now I just HATE everyone. Well, almost everyone. I still have somewhat warm feelings for Bobby and, God help me, that crazy bitch Ramoner. More on that later. Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:

1. Victoria is making her first visit home since starting boarding school two months ago. The Countess tells the camera that Victoria has really missed Rosie, because at boarding school there's "no one to pick up her clothes or bring her a glass of water."

"Mom, this is nice and all, but I'm actually here to see Rosie. Is she around? I'm really thirsty."

LuAnn offers to make Victoria a decaf cappuccino (while that lazy ass Rosie just stands there, not even offering to help find the Splenda) and starts asking questions that lead us to believe she hasn't spoken to Victoria much: how's your roommate? How's the food? What's your name again?

Victoria talks about how a friend took her to this super-cool store called Goodwill where she bought two cashmere sweaters for $9. LuAnn says"you've never gone to a cash register and just paid $9 for anything, hahahahaha!"

"I just learned about this place called 'the grocery store.' Apparently commoners buy food there. Isn't that adorable?"

I thinks it's fair to say that this family is a little bit OUT OF TOUCH.

Victoria also reports that she went to a dance at school and that it was "terrible" because there was too much "grinding." LuAnn is all "huh?" and as Rosie tries to explain, Victoria interrupts with "dirty frog dance!" Ah, now LuAnn gets it. What the hell? I googled it and found nothing. Someone needs to submit that shit to Urban Dictionary, pronto.

Behind Victoria's seat at the table is a propped up (and very conspicuous) portrait of some dried-up de Lesseps ancestor. I bet LuAnn makes them all kiss it before they sit down.

2. BBC Radio comes to Jill's apartment to interview her about...the economy?

"Wait. You're telling me that not everyone has a $13 million apartment?"

Overall, I think Jill did a pretty decent job, at least insofar as getting a plug in for all of her charity events. The interviewer tries to trip her up with questions such as "it's hard to see crisis around here" motioning to her cluttered showcase of a home, but she responds with "we've worked hard for what we have." He asks her if she feels any guilt. Nope--"if you spend more than you have, then you have problems" is her answer. Easy to say when you have so much money that you run out of things to spend it on.

3. KELLY. She's a model! Model model model! She's getting new headshots, and spouts a lot of gibberish about modeling and concludes that it is "not easy." BOO HOO.

Kelly then changes into a black crocheted swimming suit to take some photographs for her Halloween party invitation.

Photographer: "Whoa, what's that smell? Can someone open a window?"

Kelly: "Sorry. Burrito for lunch. I'll close my legs."

She says to the camera, "I'll be the A" in the same tone of voice that she would say "I've discovered a cure for cancer." Wide-eyed, she pauses for effect, and probably applause. "But I'm smiling, so it's like provocative and fun and eye catching and people would say oh my god and they'd want to be a part of it." So humble. And smart! Don't forget smart.

4. The Countess and Victoria go shopping. Boring.

5. Jill is at Zarin Fabric talking about the stress of dressing up for Halloween. She says she gets anxiety for months in advance, and has hired someone to create a costume for her, and for Ginger. I don't know how she lives with the pressure.

While Jill is trying on her wig (she's going to be Elle Woods), Bobby walks up looking like a bellhop. I chuckled a little bit because I thought that was his real outfit that he wore to work that day (Bobby's kind of edgy like that), but no--it's his costume. Don't ask me what this has to do with the Elle Woods theme because at this point I was switching back and forth between RHNYC and Rock of Love Bus Reunion (a word to Mindy: you dodged a bullet, honey).

6. Then there is a 3 minute clip, in between commercials, of Jill and her Aunt Cookie being interviewed for Jill's sister Lisa's radio show.

Why, Bravo? Were you that desperate for some filler material? Because I have to tell you, this was the most irrelevant 3 minutes of air time in the history of television.

7. Silex. Fucking Silex. Simon bought a CORSET for Alex made out of A BURLAP BAG. He paid--are you ready for this?--$7000 for it at a charity gala. I understand that this money goes to charity. Fine. But don't sit around and go ON and ON about how exquisite and beautiful the BURLAP is and insinuate that the corset is worth $7k. "It's idealizing a non-profit in a very chic way," says Simon. What? "I'm going to wear it in as public of a place as possible," proclaims Alex. "Opening night at the opera."

Did you all feel like you were in a modern day version of The Emperor's New Clothes? IT'S A BURLAP BAG FOR FUCK'S SAKE! All the "designer" did was attach some suspenders, cut out a sweetheart neck and make a few stitches. I COULD DO THAT. That useless idiot Kelly could do that! Swear to God, I felt like I was watching a Saturday Night Live skit--it was beyond ridiculous.

"For our next big event, I'm going to wear the a $10,000 toilet paper gown that Simon bought for me. It's idealizing the concept of 2-ply in a very chic way."

I have to admit, if anyone can wear a burlap bag, it's her. Hope she didn't get a rash.

By the way, it's time we find out where Silex is getting all of this money. Andy Cohen, please tell me you asked about this at the reunion show (read Andy's vague account of the reunion taping here).

8. Ramoner. HSN wants Ramoner to film herself presenting her line of jewelry. Mario films, Avery criticizes, Ramoner kicks Avery out, and then there is this:

All I can think about is Borat's "HIGH FIVE!".

9. Silex. Carving pumpkins on their stoop in Brooklyn. Pretty much everything word out of their mouths is a variation on "Brooklyn is sooooo much better than Manhattan." Then Alex brings out some Halloween decorations and hands Simon some fake barbed wire. "Is this for me to take to bed with you later?" Go ahead. Run to the toilet. I'll wait.

Alex: Pens work so much better in Brooklyn, don't you think, Simon?

Simon: What? I was busy thinking about what we're going to do with these pumpkins tonight in bed.

10. The dog Halloween costume party.

Fancy! How much do you think Ginger's costume cost?

Ramoner arrives with her dog, and both are in Robin Hood outfits. This is where I start to feel some fondness for Ramoner. I can't explain it--something about the bulging eyes and green felt hat.

Yes, Brad is wearing a three-piece chintz suit. When he and Ramoner see each other, they both start shrieking with delight. " I was hysterical!" Ramoner tells the camera. "[when I saw Brad] I almost peed my pants and laid on the floor!" Who knew they liked each other that much? I think Brad should gay-divorce Jill and gay-marry Ramoner. They would be such a better couple.

Hors d'oeuvres are being passed and Jill tells the server that they look disgusting. Ramoner takes one and gives a lick to her dog; Brad pops one into his mouth. Then Jill and Bobby play a little prank on Brad.

At first Brad's all "WHAT?!" but then he laughs and says "it's fine! It's liver!" Then Ramoner shrugs, takes a bite (of the one she just let her dog lick on) and says, "it's good." I LOVE IT when she brings the crazy like that.

Jill pulls Ramoner aside and says "it's not really dog food!" and then explains to the camera that she lives to mess with Brad. Poor Brad. He probably slipped off to the bathroom and had some bulimia.

11. Jill, Bethenny and some other lady walk through Hudson Terrace, which is where Jill's arthritis charity event will be held, free of charge.

It's GORGEOUS, but it's outside and it just happens to be raining. "Holy weather permitting!" exclaims Bethenny, and this is when I start to hate Bethenny. Her use of the "holy whatever!" drives me nuts. NUTS. Bethenny's just frenetic during this scene, answering with a sarcastic one-liner for everything. It's too much.

Jill and Bethenny are going over the menu with the Hudson Terrace person and every time she suggests something, Jill's all "I hate it. Don't like it. Hate it." Both Jill and Bethenny need to smoke a doobie.

12. Bethenny and Alex meet to talk about Bethenny's new Skinnygirl logo. Alex shows Bethenny what she has so far and Bethenny gives her stamp of approval (foreshadowing!). Bethenny informs Alex that she's going to be putting out a line of Skinnygirl drink mixes, and that this could be a great opportunity for Alex because the Skinnygirl Margarita is the new Cosmo. Bethenny, it is a sad day when I snort at you. But I did snort at you.

13. Kelly's Halloween party! Bethenny's there as Roller Girl ("I got an invitation. Not sure if Kelly herself invited me, but I did get an invitation.") Brad and the Countess (dressed as a Native American--an odd choice, considering her heritage) are there too. Kelly, however, is nowhere to be found.

Bethenny tells the camera that crowd is totally random, as if they were just plucked from Times Square. As many of you mentioned, it looked like frat party, all stinky and crowded, but at least at a frat party, there'd be a keg or two. Kelly's party has a CASH BAR. Bethenny is incredulous: "You put your name on this event, but not on one that helps people with arthritis?" To me, this is just another sign that Kelly is a total assface. She thinks that people will be so honored to be at her party that she doesn't need to give them anything to drink.

Jill and Bobby arrive.

Bethenny, who has had a little to much to drink at the cash bar, runs up to Jill and starts going OFF about all of the bullshittery occurring at this party. Jill can't get a word in edgewise, but she tells the camera that she is PISSED. Not only about the rudeness that is the cash bar, but the fact that Kelly is over an hour late to her own party. "It's not polite to show up late to your own party, but maybe that's the chic world she lives in," she says. Oh, BURN!

The Countess is angry too, as she had passed up a dinner invitation to be at Kelly's party. "Off with her head!" she shouts in jest (but not really) at one point. They try to call Kelly but she doesn't answer her phone. They decide to leave.

Bethenny has a brilliant (if not entirely sober) moment outside of the party--a message for Kelly: "Who do you think you ARE? What are you DOING? Are you CRAZY? I'm never wrong about people. Never. Wrong. About. People. And Roller Girl doesn't care." Then she rolls off down the street, even doing a little backwards skating. I like Bethenny again.

Finally, a half-naked Kelly shows up, accompanied by Max, who is 90% naked. Kelly looks very annoyed as she walks up to the little red carpet at her party. She tells the camera that she was "late, rully rully late" to her own party. Do you know what her excuse is? An indignant "my kids had Halloween, and then it takes an hour and a half to get ready." There is kind of this unspoken "DUH!" hanging in the air. She is unbelievably STUPID and RUDE.

Do you know what she says about her costume? That she wanted it to be "fun and flirty but I'm a mom; it can't be over-the-top." Yeah, just rully rully slutty.

She finally walks into her sweaty party, and stands there awkwardly. Doesn't look like she knows a single person there. "Where is everybody?" she asks. She tells the camera that she's upset. There's some mumbling about how she "felt bad they were [or weren't?] waiting, and it was [wasn't?] nice." Who knows, who cares. Suck it, Kelly.

I think we're in the home stretch, babies. Next week Silex's kids misbehave at Zarin Fabric and there's more Kelly vs. Bethenny. I think I'm going to have to take a roofie to get through it. What about you? What did you think of this episode?

I'm sure you've seen this already, but I need to have it here.

Listen, I've had two kids. My boobs are certainly not perfect.

But sweet baby Jesus, you could PARK a CAR in there. WHY is she wearing that dress?

Stay tuned for the recap.

photo via here, here, here and here and a zillion other places.

Kelly's brilliant defense strategy

"Like, your honor, he like totally started it. Duh!"

No joke. Read about her assault case here.

Kelly's other legal troubles: Whoo...whoo's...a fraud? Kelly's accused of stealing the idea for her owl jewry from a colleague at Elle Accessories. I wouldn't be surprised if she uses the "that's rully rully inappropriate" defense accompanied by a snotty look.

IDIOT.

You must watch all of this, but if you're rully rully busy (or lazy), just skip to 1:15

Thanks, Paloma

"Running in New York is probably one of the most vilerating things you can do."

I'm guessing that Bravo edited out the rest of that sentence, which must have been "...especially after you snort an eight ball of coke!" What else could explain Kelly running obliviously through the streets of Manhattan, in the flow of traffic, hair flying like a skinny Kevin Sorbo? She's breathing in tons of noxious fumes, a CAB is up her ASS and she's all, "the greatest luxury of running is freedom!" Yeah, until you get locked in a padded room because you think you're a gd CAR.

By the way, Kelly--I had to rewind your sentence 4 times and was about to look up "vilerating" in the dictionary before I realized that you were trying to say "exhilarating." Did you know that a numb tongue is one of the effects of cocaine usage? Just fyi.

Here is your Real Housewives of NYC recap:

1. Zarin Fabrics is hosting some sort of nighttime party for its new eco-friendly fabrics. Jill is bustling around as if she works there. Oops, she does work there--she's a "trained business woman." Maryo and Ramoner arrive and Maryo starts in on the fucking tennis match again and OMG I WANT TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.

"ET phone home"

Two things saved me: 1) Jill's wise decision to simply smile and say "yes" to Mario's ranting and 2) the beneficent presence of Bobby Zarin. XOXO, Bobby!

After Maryo is done browbeating Jill, he decides that he needs to take a dig at Simon. He swaggers over and basically tells Simon that his tennis outfit sucked ass, and that he looked like he "was in 7th grade gym." Maryo goes onto say that he would expect someone as fashionable as Simon to buy a brand new outfit just for the game. "He did!" pipes up Alex. Of course he did. Ramoner tells the camera, "Simon's outfit was annoying. In fact, everything about Simon is annoying." WE KNOW, RAMONER. You've mentioned it a time or two. Jesus. Anyhow, Simon is an amazingly good sport about it all.

His stock is rising...for now.

Bethenny tells Jill that Ramoner needs to update her '90s Cosmo dating rules. One of Bethenny's new rules: "think of my vagina as a vase--if you want to have sex with me, send me flowers." Hear that, A-Rod?

Kelly walks in with Max. Bethenny says that she knew Kelly was there when she heard a voice chirping "hi, hey, cute! hi, hi, hey!" Bethenny's imitation of Kelly is dead-on, and I am desperate to have it as my new ringtone.

Brad sees Max and immediately gets a gigantic boner. He can't stop talking about how luscious Max is, and Jill is getting embarrassed, but she's not embarrassed enough to stop herself from asking Kelly and Max, "are we friends, or friends with benefits?" Ooooooh, yeah! Team Jill! Skull and Crossbones! Kelly avoids answering but HELLO, Jill, they are totally effing.

I have been calling Max a Euro, which is a mistake. He's actually from Argentina, which makes him a South American Euro. Brad STILL won't shut up about Max's hotness and Jill (or is it Bobby Z?) apologizes, saying, "Brad's been sipping the honeywine." HONEYWINE. I don't even know what that means and I still love it.

Kelly and Max get into a cutesy pillow fight with Zarin pillows. While Kelly's thinking, "omg! how awesomely cute will this look on camera?!" Jill raises her eyebrows in disapproval, and Kelly tells the camera, "Max is spontaneous, I am spontaneous, and the two of us are firecrackers!" It's the fartfest sentence, remixed.

2. Ramoner is meeting with "the best" logo designers to help design the packaging for her skincare line. (Side note: the 'Moner does have fantastic skin--she's 52 years old but looks early 40s). She tells the camera about how she's been "using skincare products religiously for 20 years and I know that's why my skin looks so good. That's why I'm creating my own skincare line." Was anyone thinking (as I was) "I don't care about YOUR line, what have you been using for the past twenty years?"

Ramoner tells the logo people that the logo they've designed for her looks dirty and she can't have that because she's a very clean person. See how clever she is? She's not only crapped on their work, but done it in a way that insinuates that they are disgusting dirty pigs.

THEN, Ramoner says to the camera: "I don't think a lot of people can do what I do. I'm busy nonstop like you can't believe and to tell you the truth, if I start thinking about it, I could have a breakdown!"

Two things: 1) When/if she does have said breakdown, I hope it's on the reunion show and 2) are all the Housewives contractually obligated to talk about how super-duper crazy insane bananas busy they are? Because every single one of them says it--even that do-nothing Kim from Atlanta.

3. Bethenny has an appearance at a Connecticut grocery store to promote her Bethenny Bakes line. She tells the camera that usually when she makes an appearance, hundreds of people are there. But this appearance...crickets. WORSE than crickets. Everyone is avoiding or ignoring her, so she decides to approach people (with lights and a camera, no less). She is offering them free cupcakes and they are all "no. Do you know where the rostisserie chicken is?" I had to laugh, but only because Bethenny was laughing too. Well, okay, I would have laughed no matter what.

(While this scene was funny, it was all very suspicious. Who turns down a free cupcake? True--they were vegan, but still. Those cupcakes could have been made of wet sand and I'd still take one.)

4. The Countess meets with her "co-writer" (aka "writer") for her book, Class with the Countess. She pontificates in what appears to be an endless way to this poor woman who is taking notes and probably wanting to stab LuAnn in the eye. Instead she just nods and makes affirming noises as LuAnn talks about "kissing on both cheeks is fine because that's what I'm used to, that's what I like, but one cheek is fine." ( Insert obvious joke about "Hey LuAnn, I have a cheek for you to kiss.")

LuAnn also talks about how a date once asked her to split the bill and she said "how DARE you!" before she slapped him with her gloves and climbed into her horse-drawn buggy.

6. Kelly is in LA developing her "jewry" line. Awesome awesome awesome! Name-dropping! Owls! "Life doesn't have a price! Fun doesn't have a price!"

That pretty much covers it.

7. We see Jill working the door, greeting customers at Zarin Fabrics. She tells the camera how much she loves sales, and we believe it. She helps two smartly dressed gay men find window treatments, and all the while I'm thinking "oh God, Jill! Don't blow it! Don't show them that overly fussy shit you put in your own house!" But you know what? She is just fine. They leave happy, and they tell the camera that not only did they love Jill, but she was very knowledgable. I know--they seemed surprised too.

8. Then, as mentioned above, Kelly goes on her run through the streets like she's leading some mf parade. How I prayed for that cab to give her a little nudge. Just a tap. But no.

9. Jill invites Kelly and Kelly's daughters to help design Jill's custom Beatrice Amblard purse, to the tune of $16,000. It's Jill's birthday present.

SO MANY things to discuss about this scene. First, what makes these bags worth $16,000? I understand paying that much for a Birkin; you're paying for the Hermès brand, the exclusivity and the craftsmanship. How on earth did ol' Bea come to be equal with Hermès? She's obviously getting $16k a bag (at least from Jill), but what makes them so special? Fashionistas, speak up!

Uh, I guess I could do a little research. Apparently, Bea Amblard is a "Hermès artisan designing under her own label" and a total bigshot. But still. $16,000 is a lot of money. If I'm going to spend that kind of money on a handbag, it had better be lined with $100 bills and gold teeth.

Moving on. Kelly says, "Jill asked me to help design her handbag, and when she invited the girls too..." I was waiting her for her to finish with "I was thinking that that wasn't such a good idea because they're pretty young and HAVE NO BUSINESS DESIGNING $16,000 HANDBAGS." But no, she says the exact opposite: "Then I knew I wanted to go!"

Predictably, her kids (in matching jackets, natch) act up. One puts a dust cover over her head, and Kelly disciplines with something like "how would you feel if you designed $16k handbags and someone came into your studio and put a dust cover on her head?" Jill praises Kelly's mothering and tells her she could teach the Van Kempens a thing or two. EEK. Jill, shut your mouth or you will be owing Silex even more fabric.

Kelly tells Jill that she's spoiled, getting this expensive purse for her birthday. Jill says this gift is "moderate" and that "considering the economy, I didn't think we should spend a lot." I adore Jill, but she is living on another planet.

10. LuAnn meets with her publisher. They present her with two possible book covers: one with her tits hanging out, and one with her tits hanging out.

One of the women gushes to LuAnn that her life is "a fairytale!" LuAnn modestly admits, "it's a dream come true." If "a dream come true" means you get dumped via email after 16 years of marriage, then yes! Her life is a beautiful fairytale. (Poor LuAnn. Really. The Count is such a d-bag.)

They all pop the champagne. Chin chin, bitches!

11. Traditional Home is shooting Jill's apartment for its May 2009 issue.

Ginger the dog: "FML."

The best moment is when Jill asks the writer where she's from. "We're based out of Des Moines," she answers. "Do you have a PP?" Jill asks. The writer looks confused. Jill explains that she and her friends call private planes "PPs" and that when someone in her group gets a new man, they ask "does he have a big PP?" Yeah, not so funny now that the economy is in the toilet.

12. Ramoner has her friends over for a preview of her skincare line. Watch it here. Here's my thought: Bethenny was out of line. Ramoner is not an idiot. Well, she is, but she's a big girl. Her line is ready to go as "Tru Renewal." There's no going back, yet here's Bethenny, telling her she needs to scrap it and change the name.

Although she tries to brush it off, Ramoner is not happy (see eyes above), and she gets Bethenny back (and then some) with that passive-aggressive "underdog" comment.

13. Bethenny is shooting the cover for her book. And holding up the building.

Her editor tells her that her book is 300 pages and she needs to trim it to 200. What? In my experience, all diet books can be boiled down to a few sentences that could fit onto a post-it.

14. Bobby buys Jill a new Mercedes SUV (watch it here). Jill, please tell me that there was some monkey-business with the editing, because it looks like you threw a fit and rejected Bobby's gift because it didn't have an iPhone dock.

Is this right? Tell the people.

15. Alex's birthday. Simon buys her some gorgeous $6300 earrings (from here) that stretch Alex's earlobes down about 3 inches. They have a driver pick them up at the jewelers, and of course, Simon is prattling on to the camera about "the element of surprise!" In order for Alex to have a great birthday, she must be surprised! Still, they both almost seem likable.

Simon says that the plan is to go home and celebrate with their kids, but he can't have Alex know that--no! Above all, Alex must be surprised! Simon had given the driver previous instructions to take a specific route to the house but for whatever reason, the driver doesn't do this and SIMON BLOWS A FUCKING GASKET. Here he is, in the car, a bright light shining on him and a cameraman in the front seat while he completely loses his shit on the driver.

He is screaming, dropping f-bombs, and flailing around as if he'd just been told that Roberto Cavalli has died, while Alex sits there silently. Alex, this is what I was hoping you say: "Simmer down, freak! You want to make my birthday happy? Do you? Try not humiliating me by acting like a total asshole on national television! NO SEX FOR 1 YEAR. Do you hear me? No wait--I've got a better idea. NO SHOPPING WITH ME FOR 1 MONTH. Oh, now you're listening, aren't you? Now STFU." It really was painful to watch him get so hysterical and do the exact thing that he was accusing the driver of--"ruining everything."

Finally they arrive home. Time for cuppycakes and chin chin with Francois and Johan. Happy happy!

"Okay boys, let's put our smiles on and pretend that we're not in our torn-up basement with our rageaholic Daddy."

THE END.

Did this recap seem particularly angry? I apologize. I'm sick of everyone on this show, and I can't hide it. However, I have great hope for next week, when Kelly doesn't show up to her own Halloween party and pisses off not only Bethenny but Mama Jill. Oooooh! It's going to be GOOD (it better be).

What did you think of this episode?