"Running in New York is probably one of the most vilerating things you can do."
Friday, April 17, 2009 
I'm guessing that Bravo edited out the rest of that sentence, which must have been "...especially after you snort an eight ball of coke!" What else could explain Kelly running obliviously through the streets of Manhattan, in the flow of traffic, hair flying like a skinny Kevin Sorbo? She's breathing in tons of noxious fumes, a CAB is up her ASS and she's all, "the greatest luxury of running is freedom!" Yeah, until you get locked in a padded room because you think you're a gd CAR.
By the way, Kelly--I had to rewind your sentence 4 times and was about to look up "vilerating" in the dictionary before I realized that you were trying to say "exhilarating." Did you know that a numb tongue is one of the effects of cocaine usage? Just fyi.
Here is your Real Housewives of NYC recap:
1. Zarin Fabrics is hosting some sort of nighttime party for its new eco-friendly fabrics. Jill is bustling around as if she works there. Oops, she does work there--she's a "trained business woman." Maryo and Ramoner arrive and Maryo starts in on the fucking tennis match again and OMG I WANT TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.
"ET phone home"Two things saved me: 1) Jill's wise decision to simply smile and say "yes" to Mario's ranting and 2) the beneficent presence of Bobby Zarin. XOXO, Bobby!
After Maryo is done browbeating Jill, he decides that he needs to take a dig at Simon. He swaggers over and basically tells Simon that his tennis outfit sucked ass, and that he looked like he "was in 7th grade gym." Maryo goes onto say that he would expect someone as fashionable as Simon to buy a brand new outfit just for the game. "He did!" pipes up Alex. Of course he did. Ramoner tells the camera, "Simon's outfit was annoying. In fact, everything about Simon is annoying." WE KNOW, RAMONER. You've mentioned it a time or two. Jesus. Anyhow, Simon is an amazingly good sport about it all.
His stock is rising...for now.
Bethenny tells Jill that Ramoner needs to update her '90s Cosmo dating rules. One of Bethenny's new rules: "think of my vagina as a vase--if you want to have sex with me, send me flowers." Hear that, A-Rod?
Kelly walks in with Max. Bethenny says that she knew Kelly was there when she heard a voice chirping "hi, hey, cute! hi, hi, hey!" Bethenny's imitation of Kelly is dead-on, and I am desperate to have it as my new ringtone.
Brad sees Max and immediately gets a gigantic boner. He can't stop talking about how luscious Max is, and Jill is getting embarrassed, but she's not embarrassed enough to stop herself from asking Kelly and Max, "are we friends, or friends with benefits?" Ooooooh, yeah! Team Jill! Skull and Crossbones! Kelly avoids answering but HELLO, Jill, they are totally effing.
I have been calling Max a Euro, which is a mistake. He's actually from Argentina, which makes him a South American Euro. Brad STILL won't shut up about Max's hotness and Jill (or is it Bobby Z?) apologizes, saying, "Brad's been sipping the honeywine." HONEYWINE. I don't even know what that means and I still love it.
Kelly and Max get into a cutesy pillow fight with Zarin pillows. While Kelly's thinking, "omg! how awesomely cute will this look on camera?!" Jill raises her eyebrows in disapproval, and Kelly tells the camera, "Max is spontaneous, I am spontaneous, and the two of us are firecrackers!" It's the fartfest sentence, remixed.
2. Ramoner is meeting with "the best" logo designers to help design the packaging for her skincare line. (Side note: the 'Moner does have fantastic skin--she's 52 years old but looks early 40s). She tells the camera about how she's been "using skincare products religiously for 20 years and I know that's why my skin looks so good. That's why I'm creating my own skincare line." Was anyone thinking (as I was) "I don't care about YOUR line, what have you been using for the past twenty years?"
Ramoner tells the logo people that the logo they've designed for her looks dirty and she can't have that because she's a very clean person. See how clever she is? She's not only crapped on their work, but done it in a way that insinuates that they are disgusting dirty pigs.
THEN, Ramoner says to the camera: "I don't think a lot of people can do what I do. I'm busy nonstop like you can't believe and to tell you the truth, if I start thinking about it, I could have a breakdown!"
Two things: 1) When/if she does have said breakdown, I hope it's on the reunion show and 2) are all the Housewives contractually obligated to talk about how super-duper crazy insane bananas busy they are? Because every single one of them says it--even that do-nothing Kim from Atlanta.
3. Bethenny has an appearance at a Connecticut grocery store to promote her Bethenny Bakes line. She tells the camera that usually when she makes an appearance, hundreds of people are there. But this appearance...crickets. WORSE than crickets. Everyone is avoiding or ignoring her, so she decides to approach people (with lights and a camera, no less). She is offering them free cupcakes and they are all "no. Do you know where the rostisserie chicken is?" I had to laugh, but only because Bethenny was laughing too. Well, okay, I would have laughed no matter what.
(While this scene was funny, it was all very suspicious. Who turns down a free cupcake? True--they were vegan, but still. Those cupcakes could have been made of wet sand and I'd still take one.)
4. The Countess meets with her "co-writer" (aka "writer") for her book, Class with the Countess. She pontificates in what appears to be an endless way to this poor woman who is taking notes and probably wanting to stab LuAnn in the eye. Instead she just nods and makes affirming noises as LuAnn talks about "kissing on both cheeks is fine because that's what I'm used to, that's what I like, but one cheek is fine." ( Insert obvious joke about "Hey LuAnn, I have a cheek for you to kiss.")
LuAnn also talks about how a date once asked her to split the bill and she said "how DARE you!" before she slapped him with her gloves and climbed into her horse-drawn buggy.
6. Kelly is in LA developing her "jewry" line. Awesome awesome awesome! Name-dropping! Owls! "Life doesn't have a price! Fun doesn't have a price!"
That pretty much covers it.
7. We see Jill working the door, greeting customers at Zarin Fabrics. She tells the camera how much she loves sales, and we believe it. She helps two smartly dressed gay men find window treatments, and all the while I'm thinking "oh God, Jill! Don't blow it! Don't show them that overly fussy shit you put in your own house!" But you know what? She is just fine. They leave happy, and they tell the camera that not only did they love Jill, but she was very knowledgable. I know--they seemed surprised too.
8. Then, as mentioned above, Kelly goes on her run through the streets like she's leading some mf parade. How I prayed for that cab to give her a little nudge. Just a tap. But no.
9. Jill invites Kelly and Kelly's daughters to help design Jill's custom Beatrice Amblard purse, to the tune of $16,000. It's Jill's birthday present.
SO MANY things to discuss about this scene. First, what makes these bags worth $16,000? I understand paying that much for a Birkin; you're paying for the Hermès brand, the exclusivity and the craftsmanship. How on earth did ol' Bea come to be equal with Hermès? She's obviously getting $16k a bag (at least from Jill), but what makes them so special? Fashionistas, speak up!
Uh, I guess I could do a little research. Apparently, Bea Amblard is a "Hermès artisan designing under her own label" and a total bigshot. But still. $16,000 is a lot of money. If I'm going to spend that kind of money on a handbag, it had better be lined with $100 bills and gold teeth.
Moving on. Kelly says, "Jill asked me to help design her handbag, and when she invited the girls too..." I was waiting her for her to finish with "I was thinking that that wasn't such a good idea because they're pretty young and HAVE NO BUSINESS DESIGNING $16,000 HANDBAGS." But no, she says the exact opposite: "Then I knew I wanted to go!"
Predictably, her kids (in matching jackets, natch) act up. One puts a dust cover over her head, and Kelly disciplines with something like "how would you feel if you designed $16k handbags and someone came into your studio and put a dust cover on her head?" Jill praises Kelly's mothering and tells her she could teach the Van Kempens a thing or two. EEK. Jill, shut your mouth or you will be owing Silex even more fabric.
Kelly tells Jill that she's spoiled, getting this expensive purse for her birthday. Jill says this gift is "moderate" and that "considering the economy, I didn't think we should spend a lot." I adore Jill, but she is living on another planet.
10. LuAnn meets with her publisher. They present her with two possible book covers: one with her tits hanging out, and one with her tits hanging out.
One of the women gushes to LuAnn that her life is "a fairytale!" LuAnn modestly admits, "it's a dream come true." If "a dream come true" means you get dumped via email after 16 years of marriage, then yes! Her life is a beautiful fairytale. (Poor LuAnn. Really. The Count is such a d-bag.)
They all pop the champagne. Chin chin, bitches!
11. Traditional Home is shooting Jill's apartment for its May 2009 issue.
Ginger the dog: "FML." The best moment is when Jill asks the writer where she's from. "We're based out of Des Moines," she answers. "Do you have a PP?" Jill asks. The writer looks confused. Jill explains that she and her friends call private planes "PPs" and that when someone in her group gets a new man, they ask "does he have a big PP?" Yeah, not so funny now that the economy is in the toilet.
12. Ramoner has her friends over for a preview of her skincare line. Watch it here. Here's my thought: Bethenny was out of line. Ramoner is not an idiot. Well, she is, but she's a big girl. Her line is ready to go as "Tru Renewal." There's no going back, yet here's Bethenny, telling her she needs to scrap it and change the name.
Although she tries to brush it off, Ramoner is not happy (see eyes above), and she gets Bethenny back (and then some) with that passive-aggressive "underdog" comment.
13. Bethenny is shooting the cover for her book. And holding up the building.
Her editor tells her that her book is 300 pages and she needs to trim it to 200. What? In my experience, all diet books can be boiled down to a few sentences that could fit onto a post-it.
14. Bobby buys Jill a new Mercedes SUV (watch it here). Jill, please tell me that there was some monkey-business with the editing, because it looks like you threw a fit and rejected Bobby's gift because it didn't have an iPhone dock.
Is this right? Tell the people.
15. Alex's birthday. Simon buys her some gorgeous $6300 earrings (from here) that stretch Alex's earlobes down about 3 inches. They have a driver pick them up at the jewelers, and of course, Simon is prattling on to the camera about "the element of surprise!" In order for Alex to have a great birthday, she must be surprised! Still, they both almost seem likable.
Simon says that the plan is to go home and celebrate with their kids, but he can't have Alex know that--no! Above all, Alex must be surprised! Simon had given the driver previous instructions to take a specific route to the house but for whatever reason, the driver doesn't do this and SIMON BLOWS A FUCKING GASKET. Here he is, in the car, a bright light shining on him and a cameraman in the front seat while he completely loses his shit on the driver.
He is screaming, dropping f-bombs, and flailing around as if he'd just been told that Roberto Cavalli has died, while Alex sits there silently. Alex, this is what I was hoping you say: "Simmer down, freak! You want to make my birthday happy? Do you? Try not humiliating me by acting like a total asshole on national television! NO SEX FOR 1 YEAR. Do you hear me? No wait--I've got a better idea. NO SHOPPING WITH ME FOR 1 MONTH. Oh, now you're listening, aren't you? Now STFU." It really was painful to watch him get so hysterical and do the exact thing that he was accusing the driver of--"ruining everything."
Finally they arrive home. Time for cuppycakes and chin chin with Francois and Johan. Happy happy!
"Okay boys, let's put our smiles on and pretend that we're not in our torn-up basement with our rageaholic Daddy."Did this recap seem particularly angry? I apologize. I'm sick of everyone on this show, and I can't hide it. However, I have great hope for next week, when Kelly doesn't show up to her own Halloween party and pisses off not only Bethenny but Mama Jill. Oooooh! It's going to be GOOD (it better be).
What did you think of this episode?
Reader Comments (52)
My pet peeve is how Kelly keeps saying everything is so uh-MAZE-ing. Like when she met Max in the bar, she told us several times, "Max is an uh-MAZE-ing man". And then, "my jewry is uh-MAZE-ing". I don't think she has any idea what it feels like to be amazed.
You forgot the weird pop goes the weasel thing Simon said too...my husband reenacted it and we were cracking up...
nothing can compare to the infamous coke-induced confrontaion between kelly and bethenny. i heart bethenny btw. althouhg kelly running thru the streets is pretty close. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?!?! i think she may be mildly retarded.
xoj
OWL jewelry? Rully? Hideous.
Seriously, the whole lot of them are starting to look like they are all raving loonies! That Kelly, she is a such a complete and utter spaz! Why doesn't someone, (I'm thinking, no-filter-Ramoner would do it best!)tell her she needs to get a clue? It's actually not a good thing to induce sphincter- tightening cringing in everyone you meet. (e.g. Ah-mazin Jewry meeting attendees, wondering who the eff is this person and what the hell is she blabbering on about? argh! puleez!)
My new favorite Zarin is Ginger. Did you see her streaking back and forth through the showroom when Jill was helping the curtain buyers? And nobody around even got excited - it must happen all the time.
re: Kelly's running - it was a foil.
One of the funniest/awkward moments was when Traditional Home asked if Jill wanted a picture with Brad and she shut that down fast. Ouch. The Kelly running through the streets was off the wall, who the F does that? Good God, I'm scared to cross the streets there even when it's a walk sign let alone run amongst the crazy cabs. And hello, when Kelly showed up at the Zarin Fabrics party could she have worn a brawl and some damn pants? Enough with she shorty shorts and tops being worn as dresses. You've got good legs, but really - STOP! There's an article in the new Harper's Bazaar about Kelly and in one of the pictures she is wearing the exact same outfit she was running in. She sounded even more pathetic in the article. ICK!
I can't stand Kelly. While I watched her run through the streets, all I could think was, "Bravo must have edited out all the terrible things the cabbie behind her MUST have been shouting at her." Seriously, file that in the WHO DOES THAT? folder.
And the owl jewry... Vomit. And shouldn't a "writer" know how to pronounce that word?
While this scene was funny, it was all very suspicious. Who turns down a free cupcake? True--they were vegan, but still. Those cupcakes could have been made of wet sand and I'd still take one.Being from good old Greenwich, let me shed some light on this for you. I was born and raised there. Thankfully I don't live there anymore. But when the "new money" moved to town, those people were all very self-conscious about looking like they didn't fit in. So, taking a free cupcake would indicate to bystanders that, gasp, you couldn't afford to pay for one so you had to take the free sample.
Of course, I fully expected my dad to show up in that scene and take a dozen off her hands. Because when it comes to free and my family, we don't eff around.
Obviously, we lived there long before the "new money" arrived, and I'm sure we'll be there after they are all recessioned out of town and they have to close up Kate Spade and Saks on Greenwich Avenue and convert them back to the crappy mom and pop stores I used to smoke cigarettes in front of when I was in high school.
Love. This. Blog.
Thank you, SGM, for the "angry" recap---'cause that's just what I was feeling by 11PM on Tuesday and it wasn't because Simon's surprise was ruined. Thanks, Bravo, for a crappy one hour infomercial on what these hos are selling. I never seem to get enough of their marketing in their weekly blogs---let's dedicate a whole episode to it!!
Sorry, I can't give Jill a pass on the "PP" comment "now" that the economy is in the toilet. Her comment was made in OCT.... *after* this financial collapse was in full swing. Jill used to be my all time, never-can-do-wrong housewife, but she's lost that title with me, I'm afraid.
I didn't blame the A&P shoppers one bit. Aside from thrusting a camera and lights in their faces, did you catch the 'tude Bethenny was throwing at all the customers? "Ya wanna a cupcake? No? Awwwright. I just know we'll be seeing YOU in the gym ta-marrow." She's overly aggressive in all circumstances. Don't gimme the "I'm just telling it like it is so I can be rude" excuse---she's abrasive!! And girlfriend has no business "imitating" Jill's accent. HERS is far worse and she spent her formative years in Florida, at boarding school, so what's up with that accent?
I think the problem is these casts need to be let go after one season. It all seems to go to their heads that they are on a basic cable show, viewed by about 2 million viewers a week. NYC has 9 million people living here so spread out 2 million viewers over the US and think about the popularity...or lack thereof.
The Countess and her etiquette book seem sad in light of her divorce, but the bad timing adds a measure of sympathy that we wouldn't have if we saw this when it was filmed. If the Count hadn't left her for a Princess, these scenes would be insufferable. All these heffers have let 'slight fame' turn them into trainwreck caricatures!
I tried to go back in your blog, Miss SGM, to see when I first started reading here and I laughed maniacally when I read your year impressions of the OC cast and how Vicki and Tamra were your favs. Believe me (two snaps) I was right with you!! Then, they returned for the next season and played to the camera like bitches. I am seeing a pattern....
Jill has turned into an out-of-touch snob (not just the "PP" and the reasonably price, cough-cough 16 k bag, but HOLY UNGRATEFULNESS with the Mercedes), Brad went from enviable gay husband to nightmare raging alcoholic, dancing awkwardly in bad costumes, Mario who seemed so sweet and ill-matched for Ramona last season makes me wince as soon as his flailing hands and big mouth appear in any scene. I'd thought Silex was improving their image this season (and perhaps their station in life?) until Simon's meltdown (Pop goes the weasel indeed!) and I realized they are just better at hiding the insanity that plagues castmembers with a season under their belt.
As for Kelly and her running? Not to be believed...and my theory is that the cab behind her was also filming because had there been a Wall Street exec trailing her at half a mile per hour, he would have given the cabbie instructions to mow her down!
The only thing I am waiting for is the Jill-Bethenny feud, which may be next week. It's gotta be good because before the season even started, Bethenny started cushioning the blow and we saw the first crack this week when Jill took Kelly to look at the bags and kind of gave a dig about "Despite what Bethenny has said, Kelly has been nothing but nice...."
To end on a somewhat happy note, I am SOOOO glad those smart folks from Iowa did a re-shoot for the cover. Jill's chignon was awful. I'm not sure why she shot down the idea of being photographed with Brad, since he clearly was the designer, but thanks for posting the eventual cover with Baw-by and Allie. Much better!!
It's about the ratings, SGM!
What a boost to see Kelly get her ass mowed down by a NYC cab! Next time, on the RHONYC...
Check out my review of the 'Cougar' when you get a chance to pry yourself off Bravo!
LOL @ Velvet While this scene was funny, it was all very suspicious. Who turns down a free cupcake? True--they were vegan, but still. Those cupcakes could have been made of wet sand and I'd still take one.Being from good old Greenwich, let me shed some light on this for you. I was born and raised there. Thankfully I don't live there anymore. But when the "new money" moved to town, those people were all very self-conscious about looking like they didn't fit in. So, taking a free cupcake would indicate to bystanders that, gasp, you couldn't afford to pay for one so you had to take the free sample. I grew up in Darien so I can vouch for the new/old money, but there was a fair mix of people who fled from Bethenny and some seemed to be old-timers and likely old money (Rotisserie chicken woman and an old guy ran like the wind).
Although I respect SGM and the sand-cupcake analogy, would you REALLY jump at a chance to take a cupcake from a woman who appears to weigh 45 pounds? I know Bethenny touts herself as a "healthy chef," but as she was walking to her photo shoot for the book cover (and as Simon's blg pointed out, unlike the Countess, she didn't mention HER co-author once)...it looked like a small gust of wind could knock Bethenny down. She's just not the picture of health. I'd be suspicious of those "healthy" treats.
You are so good. Agreed about needing to know Moner's skin care ritual prior to TruReNewal. That crazy beyotch looks amazing for her age. But I would settle for Jill's skincare regimen too.
I know we are all getting a little sick of this gang. I srsly cannot wait for NJ!
I am not sure I am up for another season of this shit. Honestly, this must be the new generatons version of soap operas and it ain't any more realistic than the old crap on As the World Turns. Can't you all see that this isn't reality, it is scripted and we keep falling for it. These gals are amatuer actors that are being coached and Bravo sees them as nothing more than cash cows. We are all suckas'.
First of all, who runs with their hair down like that and literally in the middle of traffic? I was watching thinking WTF is going on here! I agree though, although this episode was mildly entertaining I am kind of over it....I have been watching Millionaire Matchmaker on Thursday's but it can't compete with the RH franchise.
SGM, Queen of Real Housewives photocaps....is there ANY way we can photoshop Andy Cohen to be behind the wheel of the cab that is tailing Kelly?
You know how he loves to give his taxi reports in his Bravo blog. I totally wouldn't be surprised if he was the passenger in that slow speed chase that was Kelly running on 5th Ave, but I'd die if we could pretend he was driving!!
I loved every minute of the rediculousness... Are most of the situations totally staged? Yes. Do they all whore out their products and projects like crazy? Yes. Does that stop me from laughing uncontrollably and giving me and escape from my life? Nope. I love it.
One question-- wasn't Bethany's new label (as designed by Alex) supposed to debut this week?
I do love the re-caps. I might stop watching the show and just read what happens, less annoying.
I do remind myself that these people must have an agenda or something to sell, otherwise WHY would you subject yourself and family to constant scrutiny and ridicule? Then I realize they are all selling something! Duh.
Can't wait for NJ.
I do remind myself that these people must have an agenda or something to sell, otherwise WHY would you subject yourself and family to constant scrutiny and ridicule? Then I realize they are all selling something! Duh. Good point except Zarin Fabrics has been in business since 1936 and Mario's True Faith is a family business he inherited so I have to believe the businesses were alive and well before these harpies took to the airwaves.
I guess that leaves the theory that they just subject themselves and their families to the weekly ridicule. Incredulously, it seems the castmembers of these franchises are the only ones who don't realize this (yes, Vicki, Laurie, Tamra, et al, I am so looking at you!)
I loved your 'angry' recap. It cracked me up, maybe because it was a little biting and sharp. There were just so many weird and irritating things going on this week.
Kelly ) Running in the street like she was in some solo marathon with the pace car following her (that cab was so paid for). Her acting so stupid at Jill's party and wearing only a shirt with a knit top part that showed her uncaptured ta ta's. Every time she's with Max she acts 13 and high. Next we see her in LA in a long mumu checking out her ridiculous owl jewelry that she's never seen before but she designed?
Brad ) Being a red faced horndog with a buzz on at Jill's party lusting after a guy he knows is straight.
MarryO ) I think he's sharing Kelly's straw because he acts so hyped up and aggressive all the time now.
Ramoner ) Her eyes as usual, looking like Marty Feldman's. Going off on Bethenny being a pathetic underdog that is a cause for Jill to work on. And what were some of her friends wearing at her launch party? A few of them had god awful taste.
Simon ) Him totally losing it in their limo then doing that creeped out Pop goes the Weasle bit. Alex looked almost afraid of being strapped in so close to him. She always looks so tired this season.
Jill ) Acting entitled and ungrateful for everything Bobbie paid for.
I think I have to agree with the previous remark that all these chicks from the various RHW's let it go to their heads that they're on a reality show and try to out do themselves and each other by the second season. Maybe they should rotate the shows so there's more time in between their seasons. And stop with all the promoting and selling of their books and business ventures. Enough already.
Kelly looked like a crazy Amazon running down that NY Street. I kept hoping the cab driver behind her would give her a big honk and a "Get the Fu-- out of the way yell". Priceless..
I cannot wait for the reunion show...
Especially when they ask Jill about her comment on the economy and spending 16K on a purse.
First of all, even if I could afford it, I would not pay 16K for a purse. That is insane.
Second, if/since she can afford it she should have just said, we are so rich this economic crisis isn't hurting us any...although I highly doubt that is the case.
On the cupcake issue, I'm not going to lie, Bethanny is probably my favorite at this point...but she is kinda scary looking. I don't think I would take a free cupcake either.
And I love me some cupcakes...
you're hilarious. a note on Ramona's gorgeous skin. i'd be willing to bet it has a little more to do with some pricey botox by a doctor that actually knows what she is doing with the stuff than skin cream (check out the finale of season 1 -- features ramoner going to her plastic surgeon and jill asking i wonder if "ramoner or raMEANer will show up tonight?")
The Traditional Home click-through is SO worth going to. For both pictures and captions. The FML link, not so much - it took me to some rahther raunchy Twitter page. Am I missing something?
Love your updates, you're my next stop after Richard L.
What's the pop goes the weasel comment? I missed it.
FML stands for "fuck my life." The link is just to to give credit for the term. Poor Ginge in the sweater that probably costs more than my entire outfit.
Thank you all so much for validating my anger. I love you all. Unless Kelly is out there reading. I don't love you.
I'm going to order to BB cupcakes. I'll let you know how it goes.