"Do you want to do some from behind? Because they're like, spicy?"
Friday, April 24, 2009 
What, Kelly? Did you have a bean burrito for lunch?
GOD. This season should have ended 3 episodes ago, right after the "up here, down there" fight. I would have been clamoring for more! Now I just HATE everyone. Well, almost everyone. I still have somewhat warm feelings for Bobby and, God help me, that crazy bitch Ramoner. More on that later. Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:
1. Victoria is making her first visit home since starting boarding school two months ago. The Countess tells the camera that Victoria has really missed Rosie, because at boarding school there's "no one to pick up her clothes or bring her a glass of water."
"Mom, this is nice and all, but I'm actually here to see Rosie. Is she around? I'm really thirsty."LuAnn offers to make Victoria a decaf cappuccino (while that lazy ass Rosie just stands there, not even offering to help find the Splenda) and starts asking questions that lead us to believe she hasn't spoken to Victoria much: how's your roommate? How's the food? What's your name again?
Victoria talks about how a friend took her to this super-cool store called Goodwill where she bought two cashmere sweaters for $9. LuAnn says"you've never gone to a cash register and just paid $9 for anything, hahahahaha!"
"I just learned about this place called 'the grocery store.' Apparently commoners buy food there. Isn't that adorable?"I thinks it's fair to say that this family is a little bit OUT OF TOUCH.
Victoria also reports that she went to a dance at school and that it was "terrible" because there was too much "grinding." LuAnn is all "huh?" and as Rosie tries to explain, Victoria interrupts with "dirty frog dance!" Ah, now LuAnn gets it. What the hell? I googled it and found nothing. Someone needs to submit that shit to Urban Dictionary, pronto.
Behind Victoria's seat at the table is a propped up (and very conspicuous) portrait of some dried-up de Lesseps ancestor. I bet LuAnn makes them all kiss it before they sit down.
2. BBC Radio comes to Jill's apartment to interview her about...the economy?
"Wait. You're telling me that not everyone has a $13 million apartment?"Overall, I think Jill did a pretty decent job, at least insofar as getting a plug in for all of her charity events. The interviewer tries to trip her up with questions such as "it's hard to see crisis around here" motioning to her cluttered showcase of a home, but she responds with "we've worked hard for what we have." He asks her if she feels any guilt. Nope--"if you spend more than you have, then you have problems" is her answer. Easy to say when you have so much money that you run out of things to spend it on.
3. KELLY. She's a model! Model model model! She's getting new headshots, and spouts a lot of gibberish about modeling and concludes that it is "not easy." BOO HOO.
Kelly then changes into a black crocheted swimming suit to take some photographs for her Halloween party invitation.
Photographer: "Whoa, what's that smell? Can someone open a window?" Kelly: "Sorry. Burrito for lunch. I'll close my legs."
She says to the camera, "I'll be the A" in the same tone of voice that she would say "I've discovered a cure for cancer." Wide-eyed, she pauses for effect, and probably applause. "But I'm smiling, so it's like provocative and fun and eye catching and people would say oh my god and they'd want to be a part of it." So humble. And smart! Don't forget smart.
4. The Countess and Victoria go shopping. Boring.
5. Jill is at Zarin Fabric talking about the stress of dressing up for Halloween. She says she gets anxiety for months in advance, and has hired someone to create a costume for her, and for Ginger. I don't know how she lives with the pressure.
While Jill is trying on her wig (she's going to be Elle Woods), Bobby walks up looking like a bellhop. I chuckled a little bit because I thought that was his real outfit that he wore to work that day (Bobby's kind of edgy like that), but no--it's his costume. Don't ask me what this has to do with the Elle Woods theme because at this point I was switching back and forth between RHNYC and Rock of Love Bus Reunion (a word to Mindy: you dodged a bullet, honey).
6. Then there is a 3 minute clip, in between commercials, of Jill and her Aunt Cookie being interviewed for Jill's sister Lisa's radio show.
Why, Bravo? Were you that desperate for some filler material? Because I have to tell you, this was the most irrelevant 3 minutes of air time in the history of television.
7. Silex. Fucking Silex. Simon bought a CORSET for Alex made out of A BURLAP BAG. He paid--are you ready for this?--$7000 for it at a charity gala. I understand that this money goes to charity. Fine. But don't sit around and go ON and ON about how exquisite and beautiful the BURLAP is and insinuate that the corset is worth $7k. "It's idealizing a non-profit in a very chic way," says Simon. What? "I'm going to wear it in as public of a place as possible," proclaims Alex. "Opening night at the opera."
Did you all feel like you were in a modern day version of The Emperor's New Clothes? IT'S A BURLAP BAG FOR FUCK'S SAKE! All the "designer" did was attach some suspenders, cut out a sweetheart neck and make a few stitches. I COULD DO THAT. That useless idiot Kelly could do that! Swear to God, I felt like I was watching a Saturday Night Live skit--it was beyond ridiculous.
"For our next big event, I'm going to wear the a $10,000 toilet paper gown that Simon bought for me. It's idealizing the concept of 2-ply in a very chic way."I have to admit, if anyone can wear a burlap bag, it's her. Hope she didn't get a rash.
By the way, it's time we find out where Silex is getting all of this money. Andy Cohen, please tell me you asked about this at the reunion show (read Andy's vague account of the reunion taping here).
8. Ramoner. HSN wants Ramoner to film herself presenting her line of jewelry. Mario films, Avery criticizes, Ramoner kicks Avery out, and then there is this:
All I can think about is Borat's "HIGH FIVE!".
9. Silex. Carving pumpkins on their stoop in Brooklyn. Pretty much everything word out of their mouths is a variation on "Brooklyn is sooooo much better than Manhattan." Then Alex brings out some Halloween decorations and hands Simon some fake barbed wire. "Is this for me to take to bed with you later?" Go ahead. Run to the toilet. I'll wait.
Alex: Pens work so much better in Brooklyn, don't you think, Simon? Simon: What? I was busy thinking about what we're going to do with these pumpkins tonight in bed.
10. The dog Halloween costume party.
Fancy! How much do you think Ginger's costume cost?
Ramoner arrives with her dog, and both are in Robin Hood outfits. This is where I start to feel some fondness for Ramoner. I can't explain it--something about the bulging eyes and green felt hat.
Yes, Brad is wearing a three-piece chintz suit. When he and Ramoner see each other, they both start shrieking with delight. " I was hysterical!" Ramoner tells the camera. "[when I saw Brad] I almost peed my pants and laid on the floor!" Who knew they liked each other that much? I think Brad should gay-divorce Jill and gay-marry Ramoner. They would be such a better couple.
Hors d'oeuvres are being passed and Jill tells the server that they look disgusting. Ramoner takes one and gives a lick to her dog; Brad pops one into his mouth. Then Jill and Bobby play a little prank on Brad.
At first Brad's all "WHAT?!" but then he laughs and says "it's fine! It's liver!" Then Ramoner shrugs, takes a bite (of the one she just let her dog lick on) and says, "it's good." I LOVE IT when she brings the crazy like that.
Jill pulls Ramoner aside and says "it's not really dog food!" and then explains to the camera that she lives to mess with Brad. Poor Brad. He probably slipped off to the bathroom and had some bulimia.
11. Jill, Bethenny and some other lady walk through Hudson Terrace, which is where Jill's arthritis charity event will be held, free of charge.
It's GORGEOUS, but it's outside and it just happens to be raining. "Holy weather permitting!" exclaims Bethenny, and this is when I start to hate Bethenny. Her use of the "holy whatever!" drives me nuts. NUTS. Bethenny's just frenetic during this scene, answering with a sarcastic one-liner for everything. It's too much.
Jill and Bethenny are going over the menu with the Hudson Terrace person and every time she suggests something, Jill's all "I hate it. Don't like it. Hate it." Both Jill and Bethenny need to smoke a doobie.
12. Bethenny and Alex meet to talk about Bethenny's new Skinnygirl logo. Alex shows Bethenny what she has so far and Bethenny gives her stamp of approval (foreshadowing!). Bethenny informs Alex that she's going to be putting out a line of Skinnygirl drink mixes, and that this could be a great opportunity for Alex because the Skinnygirl Margarita is the new Cosmo. Bethenny, it is a sad day when I snort at you. But I did snort at you.
13. Kelly's Halloween party! Bethenny's there as Roller Girl ("I got an invitation. Not sure if Kelly herself invited me, but I did get an invitation.") Brad and the Countess (dressed as a Native American--an odd choice, considering her heritage) are there too. Kelly, however, is nowhere to be found.
Bethenny tells the camera that crowd is totally random, as if they were just plucked from Times Square. As many of you mentioned, it looked like frat party, all stinky and crowded, but at least at a frat party, there'd be a keg or two. Kelly's party has a CASH BAR. Bethenny is incredulous: "You put your name on this event, but not on one that helps people with arthritis?" To me, this is just another sign that Kelly is a total assface. She thinks that people will be so honored to be at her party that she doesn't need to give them anything to drink.
Jill and Bobby arrive.
Bethenny, who has had a little to much to drink at the cash bar, runs up to Jill and starts going OFF about all of the bullshittery occurring at this party. Jill can't get a word in edgewise, but she tells the camera that she is PISSED. Not only about the rudeness that is the cash bar, but the fact that Kelly is over an hour late to her own party. "It's not polite to show up late to your own party, but maybe that's the chic world she lives in," she says. Oh, BURN!
The Countess is angry too, as she had passed up a dinner invitation to be at Kelly's party. "Off with her head!" she shouts in jest (but not really) at one point. They try to call Kelly but she doesn't answer her phone. They decide to leave.
Bethenny has a brilliant (if not entirely sober) moment outside of the party--a message for Kelly: "Who do you think you ARE? What are you DOING? Are you CRAZY? I'm never wrong about people. Never. Wrong. About. People. And Roller Girl doesn't care." Then she rolls off down the street, even doing a little backwards skating. I like Bethenny again.
Finally, a half-naked Kelly shows up, accompanied by Max, who is 90% naked. Kelly looks very annoyed as she walks up to the little red carpet at her party. She tells the camera that she was "late, rully rully late" to her own party. Do you know what her excuse is? An indignant "my kids had Halloween, and then it takes an hour and a half to get ready." There is kind of this unspoken "DUH!" hanging in the air. She is unbelievably STUPID and RUDE.
Do you know what she says about her costume? That she wanted it to be "fun and flirty but I'm a mom; it can't be over-the-top." Yeah, just rully rully slutty.
She finally walks into her sweaty party, and stands there awkwardly. Doesn't look like she knows a single person there. "Where is everybody?" she asks. She tells the camera that she's upset. There's some mumbling about how she "felt bad they were [or weren't?] waiting, and it was [wasn't?] nice." Who knows, who cares. Suck it, Kelly.
I think we're in the home stretch, babies. Next week Silex's kids misbehave at Zarin Fabric and there's more Kelly vs. Bethenny. I think I'm going to have to take a roofie to get through it. What about you? What did you think of this episode?
Reader Comments (25)
Holy awesomeness, you posted! (Just funnin' you, by being Bethenny.) That crap started the whole SEASON wrong, "HOLY CATFIGHT, whaddidja do now?" I am hating holyness.
Thanks for pointing out this season should have ended 3 or 4 episodes ago..these ladies are doing themselves no favors. Your recaps are the best part of the show!
Am I crazy or in all the Halloween insanity (that is the lifeblood of Jill's social circle), I SWEAR I saw her bodyguard also in costume. I live in NYC and billionaires walk around unattended. Hell, Kelly even runs down 5th Ave! I was willing to convince myself that he's merely a driver, but in NYC, drivers stay with the car so WTF?
Now, here's a link so you can RULLY see what took Kelly so long to get to her party. On her little series for PlumTV, she featured getting all bunny-costumed up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnl_GJPjIzk
Aside from the fact that we now know her downstairs neighbor is equally as brain dead, notice when the neighbor lady is in the kitchen holding up a shoe (which wasn't worn because Kelly wore pink Minnie Mouse shoes). The kitchen clock says (drumroll) 9:40 and biatch isn't even dressed!! She pauses for an impromptu photo shoot with said neighbor before getting her ass to her own party.
Kelly lives in TriBeCa. The Dream Hotel is in the mid-50s. Forget Halloween--normal travel time and she's at least 30 mins from the venue. Maybe she was planning on marathon running, but still...?
I couldn't stand how Bethenny told Alex how much she loved the design (as Alex was nearly fainting from the exhaustion of the renovation + her job + letting her out of control kids play with carving knives). You just know when she tells Alex that she's put a good word in for her with the Skinnygirl cocktail people that she's about to stab Alex in the back with her own logo.
Most excellent recap, SGM!
Okay so what I really want to know (and I hope they ask at the reunion) is how Bethenny got such sweet Roller Girl moves. I mean, she busted out the backwards skating like it was nothing, like she does it all the time.
And I agree. I had insta-love for Bethenny again after that.
The rest of this episode could go suck it.
I loved the two minute close-up of Silex's son (was it Francois?) weilding that knife!!!
Pretty much the only reason I've kept watching the past 2 weeks is because it's more fun to read your recap when I've seen it.
ditto Kim T. These girls are starting to loose me... and I rully rully wish it was as good as it use to be! fingers crossed for next episode.
the countess was making sure everyone in the audience understood that THE DE LESSEPS DO NOT SHOP AT GOODWILL. you could tell she was inwardly having a complete organ breakdown when that conversation was playing out. and victoria! sweet, airhead victoria! i loved that scene.
i would have sworn that jill said YES to "do you feel guilty" .. i actually thought she handled that barrage really well. i thought she said YES - if you spend more than you have blah blah, kind of taking it for the country. like, sure, yes, we feel guilty, sorry world economy - OUR BAD. but me and bobby, we work hard for our money and excuse me please pass my $16,000 purse.
did you have the feeling that when alex was scanning the items in the designer's studio with that pasted-on smile that she was thinking "oh please god not the burlap .. oh please god not the burlap .. please please the gold coat please please please"
i have left comments on silex's bravo blogs telling them over and over BUT THEY JUST WON'T LISTEN -- *insisting* that you are really really happy with your life (which is how alex capped off that I LOVE BROOKLYN speech) just convinces people that you are NOT. people who feel good about themselves, their lives, and their children just grin and do whatever the hell they want. (jill!) never apologize, never explain.
chloe, bethenny said on her bravo blog that she learned to roller skate so well because she hung out at the roller skating rink 24/7 to escape her terrible childhood.
SGM, you rock!
Anon 7:48, "a complete organ breakdown"? I'm in love with you.
Great recap!
Love that Victoria is being exposed to classmates that shop at the Goodwill and know how to find treasures - even if they have trust funds and monthly allowances to support couture.
Yeah, the rest of these ladies are on my last nerve. Let's just have the reunion show already and move on. I guess I have lost interest...
Does watching Kelly walk give anyone else hives? Really did she hurt herself at some point? it's weird. The women are beyond themselves now but I still gotta watch.
Bethenny is as worthless to society as Kelly. Skinny-girl margaritas? This is what she'll have to look back on proudly on her deathbed?
At least she's got Skinny-girl margaritas ... ;)
Does the phrase, "Jumped the Shark" ring true here or what?!
I've got a headache just thinking about this past episode.
The bellhop costumes was an homage to the second Legally Blonde where Elle becomes best friends with her bellhop played by Bob Newhart, I believe. He says something silly like, "For shizzel, my izzel."
I don't even think I can comment on this episode anymore. I'm just so tired of them, as everyone else is. Bethenny is started to tick me of a bit, but she always redeems herself. I hope they return to their old ways of entertaining and not overly ridiculous drama soon.
HIlarious recap-- just love your site.
What I would REALLY love to know is how much
these girls get paid to do this show? It would take a good eight figures to let the camera follow me around with this group.
I love your updates! I am amazed that Jill went in a costume that could have been interpreted as Marie Antionette - page six says that her socialite pals are started to distance themselves because of her "Let 'em eat cake" behavior. I adored Bethanny, but her endless quips and "I'm a poor orphan" stories get a little old. I can see why she gets lots of first dates and no husbands. Kelly is appalling and just cements my opinion about that whole Russell Simmons/Howard Stern crowd being a bunch of douchebags. Luanne - I am writing off her obnoxiousness to the maritial troubles - I shall withhold judgement until next season and see if she's still a pompous ass.
Ramona/Mario and Alex/Simon. I hope that I meet someone to be a total nut case with. Ah the wedded bliss of mutual neurosis! I'll bet they have a rockin' sex life too, the bunch of them.
How did we miss this???
http://www.celebrity-gossip.net/celebrities/hollywood/gretchen-rossi-and-slade-smiley-gettin-cozy-212051/
Maybe it's just me, but I have an issue with people who can more than afford first sale cashmere sweaters going to Goodwill and buying them second sale. They have the money to buy brand new - let the people who DON'T have the money buy the nice second sale items! That's the whole point of Goodwill.
Anywho, love your recaps!
Jen, I don't want to start an arguement, but I have to disagree with you. The benefit of Goodwill or places like it is the sale of the items (from any end of the financial spectrum) are to help those in need. I don't have to shop at GW & can afford to buy things elsewhere, I choose to shop GW b/c I love bargains & it's "recycling" too.
Always love the great recaps. I rully look forward to them every week! I know I am in the minority, but I love the HONYC! I am going to miss them. Well...almost all of them.
whew! am i glad to see that alex was able to find some "chicken cutlets" to fill the front of that burlap sack before she wore it in as public a place as possible! i felt her pain that her husband let 7K evaporate over a statement piece heavy on the irony but that skimped on exquisite detail, sumptuous materials or just plain comfort. i could not bear to see her in front of the masses with "FEED" boldly holding up her disappointingly meager bosoms. why not chose something for her that would highlight her girlish figure?
LOL--Simon didn't consider Alex's girlish figure because he wanted a statement that HE could also wear!
Whadda waste of 7 grand.
The statement says, "We are sooooo pathetic."
"Disappointingly meager bosoms"--GREAT name for a blog.
your recaps are the only reason i watch the show each week. i want to poke daggers in my eyeballs during each episode, but your recaps are the only things that get me through them.
i feel so much better now that i have confessed that to you.
Me, too.
Although your recap was hilars.
"...idealizing the concept of 2-ply in a very chic way."
Omilord SGM, you are the funniest thing on the interwebs!