"I don't make money, I spend money."
Tuesday, August 10, 2010 
Hot damn, I think we're in for another bankruptcy! I swear, every time I pay a bill that is just a little bit higher than last month, I kiss the envelope and whisper "Off you go, hard-earned money. Go bail out one of those fucking Housewives." I especially look forward to helping pay off Mary's debts. Just listen to how she says her introductory statement, the one that will echo in our brains every single week:
This woman is a charmer, isn't she? A belligerent, drunk charmer!
And so the tone for the Real Housewives of Washington DC is set, and we are introduced to yet another group of name-dropping, cash-flashing, back-stabbing idiots. We're gonna have to dig deep to get through this one, you guys. DEEP. These shows are seeming less like entertainment and more like motivational films for anti-American terrorist groups.
Let's review the cast of characters.
1. We'll start with Mary herself. What should we know about Mary Amons beside the fact that she's a spender and a booze hound? Well, she lives in McLean, Virginia. She is "surrounded by the CIA," whatever that means and oh...who's that man who lives across the street? Oh yes, Colin Powell. Perhaps you've heard of him? Mmm hmm. Mary's family goes way back in DC. Her father was personal friends with Ethel Kennedy and she has fonnnnnnnnnnnnd memories of hanging out at that Kennedy house as a child. It's where she learned many valuable lessons--how to play flag football, how to win at checkers, and how to mix a proper cocktail.
"See this garrote around my neck? Learned that at the Kennedy's too."
Would you like to hear my new Mary-inspired ringtone?
Okay. So Mary has 5 kids, ages ranging from 23 to 11, and she's been married to the same man, Rich, for 24 years.
She loves them so much! So intensely! But she doesn't trust any of those assholes one bit and that's why she has her closet on lockdown. It doesn't open with a key or even a combination--that would be passé in this CIA neighborhood. Mary's lock only opens when she places her left index finger on the reader. Which I hope means that someone is going to get her finger cut off on the season finale. Make it happen, Andy Cohen!
2. Next we are introduced to Danielle Staub's birth mom!
Oh wait, it's just Lynda (but don't count her out of the birth mom thing. Too many similarities.) Lynda runs the top brothel, whoops, I mean modeling agency, in DC where she is in charge of glaring at all of the beautiful women and licking her chops at the hot black guys who interview with her. Lynda's kind of a mean, gossipy little weasel who is twice divorced and currently dating her own hot black guy named Ebong, which is pronounced A-bong. As another cast member described him, "he's twice her size and half her age." Not sure how she hit this jackpot. Blackmail, maybe? Roofies? Witchcraft? Yet another mystery begging to be solved this season.
One thing Lynda is dying for you to know is that she hated Michaele Salahi long before hating her was cool, and I have to give her points for this. Some of Lynda's choice insults in this episode: calling Michaele's beloved polo event a "goat rodeo," insinuating to one of their mutual friends that Michaele has an eating disorder, and dubbing Michaele a "second tier person." Yikes--those are fightin' words in DC! I hope they somehow come to blows this season and kill each other. Oh gosh. Did I really say that? Already? YES.
3. Stacie. She's a realtor who does $25 to $30 million a year, and she met Barack Obama a super-long time ago and she can PROVE IT. See?
Can anyone else on this show claim that? No, no, and NO, bitches. Here's a quick piece of relevant advice for you: do not play any sort of game in which you take a drink of alcohol when Stacie says Obama. You will pass out within the first half hour (unless you're Mary, in which case you'll be able to drive home and balance your checkbook).
Stacie's other interests include defending Tyra Banks, being embarrassingly star-struck by Janet Jackson's chef, and mentioning her meeting with Obama at least once in every conversation.
Stacie: Mary, did you hear that? Janet Jackson doesn't like cilantro. Isn't that fascinating! I wish I would have known that when I met President Obama.
Mary: So tell me, Chef. What does Janet's medicine cabinet look like?
4. Cat is the one that nobody really knows--she moved from London just a year and a half ago to be with her new husband. Don't let her English accent fool you; she is the most obnoxious namedropper of them all (and that's really saying something in this group). Poor Cat did not make a good impression on anyone at Stacie's Janet Jackson-inspired cooking party. First, she turned down the sake, which apparently is a huge breach of manners in DC because as soon as it happened, Bravo did the deep, single drumbeat sound and then silence. Cat didn't stop there. Oh no, she went on to insult Tyra, complete with an impromptu impersonation. Oh boy. Not only was it offensive, but it was just a really bad impression.
"Wait, wait! This would be so much better if I were in blackface. Does anyone have any blackface?"
It gets worse! Cat was all "my photographer husband and Obama were BFFs on the campaign trail and Obama followed our romance so closely, like Bachelorette closely, and of course we invited him to our wedding...." Stacie is leaning in closely, waiting, waiting until Cat finally says that she and Obama "have yet to meet." Stacie breathes a sigh of relief but none of us can ignore Cat's incredible implication that Obama really wants to meet her, but between their two busy schedules, they just can't find the time.
At this point, I was doing some involuntary groaning and Frank called out from the other room "are you making those sounds on purpose?" and I was all, "what are you talking about?"
Cat continues with her bullshittery. George Bush (did anyone catch which one?) has been a father "figger" to her husband in many ways, and he's more of a gentleman than Obama because he actually rsvp'd to the wedding and Obama did not. I thought Stacie's eyeballs were going to pop out of their sockets. She tells the camera that Cat is "brash and borderline rude." Eh. I'd take it, Cat. That's a pretty mild assessment for this show.
5. Michaele. The White House crasher. Believe the hype: she is awful. Not only because her name is ridiculous and hard to type, but because she is one of those shallow people who can't stop talking about how substantive she is. In short, she is the DC version of Kelly Bensimon.
"Just because I wear my wedding band as a loose belt does NOT mean I have an eating disorder!"
And that's really all we need to know about that.
Are you hooked or are you skipping this one? I know you have more to say. LET'S HEAR IT.