"I don't make money, I spend money."
Tuesday, August 10, 2010 
Hot damn, I think we're in for another bankruptcy! I swear, every time I pay a bill that is just a little bit higher than last month, I kiss the envelope and whisper "Off you go, hard-earned money. Go bail out one of those fucking Housewives." I especially look forward to helping pay off Mary's debts. Just listen to how she says her introductory statement, the one that will echo in our brains every single week:
This woman is a charmer, isn't she? A belligerent, drunk charmer!
And so the tone for the Real Housewives of Washington DC is set, and we are introduced to yet another group of name-dropping, cash-flashing, back-stabbing idiots. We're gonna have to dig deep to get through this one, you guys. DEEP. These shows are seeming less like entertainment and more like motivational films for anti-American terrorist groups.
Let's review the cast of characters.
1. We'll start with Mary herself. What should we know about Mary Amons beside the fact that she's a spender and a booze hound? Well, she lives in McLean, Virginia. She is "surrounded by the CIA," whatever that means and oh...who's that man who lives across the street? Oh yes, Colin Powell. Perhaps you've heard of him? Mmm hmm. Mary's family goes way back in DC. Her father was personal friends with Ethel Kennedy and she has fonnnnnnnnnnnnd memories of hanging out at that Kennedy house as a child. It's where she learned many valuable lessons--how to play flag football, how to win at checkers, and how to mix a proper cocktail.
"See this garrote around my neck? Learned that at the Kennedy's too."
Would you like to hear my new Mary-inspired ringtone?
Okay. So Mary has 5 kids, ages ranging from 23 to 11, and she's been married to the same man, Rich, for 24 years.
She loves them so much! So intensely! But she doesn't trust any of those assholes one bit and that's why she has her closet on lockdown. It doesn't open with a key or even a combination--that would be passé in this CIA neighborhood. Mary's lock only opens when she places her left index finger on the reader. Which I hope means that someone is going to get her finger cut off on the season finale. Make it happen, Andy Cohen!
2. Next we are introduced to Danielle Staub's birth mom!
Oh wait, it's just Lynda (but don't count her out of the birth mom thing. Too many similarities.) Lynda runs the top brothel, whoops, I mean modeling agency, in DC where she is in charge of glaring at all of the beautiful women and licking her chops at the hot black guys who interview with her. Lynda's kind of a mean, gossipy little weasel who is twice divorced and currently dating her own hot black guy named Ebong, which is pronounced A-bong. As another cast member described him, "he's twice her size and half her age." Not sure how she hit this jackpot. Blackmail, maybe? Roofies? Witchcraft? Yet another mystery begging to be solved this season.
One thing Lynda is dying for you to know is that she hated Michaele Salahi long before hating her was cool, and I have to give her points for this. Some of Lynda's choice insults in this episode: calling Michaele's beloved polo event a "goat rodeo," insinuating to one of their mutual friends that Michaele has an eating disorder, and dubbing Michaele a "second tier person." Yikes--those are fightin' words in DC! I hope they somehow come to blows this season and kill each other. Oh gosh. Did I really say that? Already? YES.
3. Stacie. She's a realtor who does $25 to $30 million a year, and she met Barack Obama a super-long time ago and she can PROVE IT. See?
Can anyone else on this show claim that? No, no, and NO, bitches. Here's a quick piece of relevant advice for you: do not play any sort of game in which you take a drink of alcohol when Stacie says Obama. You will pass out within the first half hour (unless you're Mary, in which case you'll be able to drive home and balance your checkbook).
Stacie's other interests include defending Tyra Banks, being embarrassingly star-struck by Janet Jackson's chef, and mentioning her meeting with Obama at least once in every conversation.
Stacie: Mary, did you hear that? Janet Jackson doesn't like cilantro. Isn't that fascinating! I wish I would have known that when I met President Obama.
Mary: So tell me, Chef. What does Janet's medicine cabinet look like?
4. Cat is the one that nobody really knows--she moved from London just a year and a half ago to be with her new husband. Don't let her English accent fool you; she is the most obnoxious namedropper of them all (and that's really saying something in this group). Poor Cat did not make a good impression on anyone at Stacie's Janet Jackson-inspired cooking party. First, she turned down the sake, which apparently is a huge breach of manners in DC because as soon as it happened, Bravo did the deep, single drumbeat sound and then silence. Cat didn't stop there. Oh no, she went on to insult Tyra, complete with an impromptu impersonation. Oh boy. Not only was it offensive, but it was just a really bad impression.
"Wait, wait! This would be so much better if I were in blackface. Does anyone have any blackface?"
It gets worse! Cat was all "my photographer husband and Obama were BFFs on the campaign trail and Obama followed our romance so closely, like Bachelorette closely, and of course we invited him to our wedding...." Stacie is leaning in closely, waiting, waiting until Cat finally says that she and Obama "have yet to meet." Stacie breathes a sigh of relief but none of us can ignore Cat's incredible implication that Obama really wants to meet her, but between their two busy schedules, they just can't find the time.
At this point, I was doing some involuntary groaning and Frank called out from the other room "are you making those sounds on purpose?" and I was all, "what are you talking about?"
Cat continues with her bullshittery. George Bush (did anyone catch which one?) has been a father "figger" to her husband in many ways, and he's more of a gentleman than Obama because he actually rsvp'd to the wedding and Obama did not. I thought Stacie's eyeballs were going to pop out of their sockets. She tells the camera that Cat is "brash and borderline rude." Eh. I'd take it, Cat. That's a pretty mild assessment for this show.
5. Michaele. The White House crasher. Believe the hype: she is awful. Not only because her name is ridiculous and hard to type, but because she is one of those shallow people who can't stop talking about how substantive she is. In short, she is the DC version of Kelly Bensimon.
"Just because I wear my wedding band as a loose belt does NOT mean I have an eating disorder!"
And that's really all we need to know about that.
Are you hooked or are you skipping this one? I know you have more to say. LET'S HEAR IT.
Reader Comments (35)
Well, I WAS going to skip this one. But what the hell, my kids can raise themselves. Maybe Becca will meet a nice friend on Facebook or something.
What in the hell are you still doing up at this hour?
Everyone, please go read Mamacita's most recent post on Kanye. Made my day.
Am I hooked? Like a $2 hooker withe a nicel bag of crack, I am!
Let's cut Mary a little slack, if I had five kids, I'd drink like hell too! Oh, wait, I don't have kids and I do. Anyhoo...
The buzz on the net is that Cat and Charles have already separated and are divorcing. They no longer live in the house and the kids have been in England with the dad. There is also quite ia bit of chatter about Cat's alledged shady past.
Michaele...she's either on Adderal or Nose Candy. And yes, she is totally the South of the Mason Dixon Bensimone. For someone who can't stop hugging and kissing random people, she sure did make a fuss over Whoopiegate.
i was hooked within the first 24 minutes. not only do i love watching rich people suffer i feel like i will learn so much about politics.
your recap is spot on...when does this shitshow come on? thursdays? mondays? fuck. recap this mother fast man!!! FAST!!
I am skipping this one. I love/hate the Housewives franchise but I don't think I can stand to see politicians and their skanky wives for a whole hour. Our Nation's capital is now part of our cultural joke where we make fun of our own ridiculous peeps. I'd rather imagine Taft in his HUMONGOUS bath tub scrubbing his butthole for and hour that watch these bitches.
I put these characters on par with Levy Johnson. Need I say more?
I am with Lou on this one. Actually, I stopped watching RHONJ this season too. Please don't excommunicate me from your blog. Please? Your recap made me laugh out loud - it's a good thing I'm at the office by myself this a.m. Also - if you could pass a big old high five to Frank for his question about your involuntary noises, I would appreciate it. That was my most favey crockett of your entire recap, if only because that conversation could've taken place at my own home.
Love ya like Tuna Noodle Casserole!!!
Merci,
Shansies
If you want to know something about Ethel Kennedy's house, after Robert was killed, read "The Other Mrs. Kennedy" by Jerry Oppenheimer.
That house was a dump. No furniture; dog shit on the floor. In those days, anyone could have "hung out with the Kennedy kids" there, believe me.
I confess... I fell asleep. Yes, I did. Sorry piece of !@#$! I'll get back with you all.
I pretended like I wasn't going to watch, but of course I set my DVR and lapped it all up.
I hate all of them and cannot wait to see them all fall apart. Misty is earning her spot as my least favorite housewife. (Really, I read in an article somewhere that her name used to be Misty...sorry for not citing my source. Can't remember. I read so much "news" online while sitting in my cube.)
I am just now reading the Washington Post's coverage of all of this (thanks for the link, Jen@bloggersabode).
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/reliable-source/2010/08/who_are_these_women_dc_housewi.html
These people are even more horrible than I thought. Ugh.
I love how Lynda makes it a point to mispronounce Michaele.
I think Michaele is snorting the gummy bears. She is way too tweaky for me.
That little drinking game warning was for me, wasn't it? I AIN'T LISTENING. How else do you think I'm going to get through this show?
How is it pronounced? Mikail? (as in Gorbachev?) or Mikayla? God, I CAN'T STAND HER.
Stacy, call me if you need a ride to the hospital!
I thought I heard it pronounced, "mi' KELL". Hate the spelling.
Did anyone click on the link about Stacie's husband, from the Washington Post coverage? http://voices.washingtonpost.com/reliable-source/2010/08/rs-_turner.html
My, my, my... And What does YOUR Husband do for a living, Stacie?
Everyone else pronounces it McKell. Lynda pronounces it Mikayla.
And who needs hospitals? I got my bed. On a cruise ship.
These ladies are trouble, and I love it. I embrace the distraction from NJ. Plus, the Beltway Bitches are clearly capable of out "daaaahling-ing" the Countless, and that must be respected on some level. Mary is a cow and the only way she could be more pleased with herself is if her name was Cat. Those two are my favorite to watch so far, this means I will HATE them with a white hot intensity very shortly. Michaele is horrific for the obvious-like-a-red-sari reason, but the first episode gave us even more opportunities to be disgusted by her: spelling of her name, shrieking, hugging, stooooopidity, her scratchy voice, $pending that she clearly can't afford, no personality (what. so. ever.), greasy faced husband. She clearly needs some lemon and honey or a lozenge, but PLEASE no one give her one! I am hopeful that she will loose her voice all together by episode five. Stacie is boring. Danielle Staub and Lynne Curtin had a baby; sadly it is inflicted with a bad case of snob induced lockjaw. Enter Lynda. Love love love the comment about the escort service; why the hell else do "dignitaries" need models? To that point, are we sure Lynda isn't leaving a little cash on the bedside table for Ebong?
Loved your recap SGM, and the Reliable Source at the Washington Post is such an unexpected treat. Big ups to whomever originally posted that link. It is gold.
You are so damn funny. I love that you don't hold back on the naughty words. "Don't ever change!" Glad you're back!!!!!!
You are the funniest person EVER. I started watching the Real Housewives and Flipping Out simply as a study guide to complement your reviews. You have a gift. Don't ever think about not sharing it with us.
every city I think ... It can't get any worse and it manages to - I'm sure I'll watch though. The name dropping with this crew couldn't get any thicker.
Holy Cow batman, if that M girl doesn't have an eating disorder - she makes Rachel Zoe look perfectly healthy. 5'10" and a zero? I didn't know that was physically possible without passing out.
These women are so not power brokers in DC...I can't even begin to say. The British dame is so horrific...it totally makes sense that her hubby let her go...
These are the worst group yet. The social climbing is at new levels in DC. It makes me think DC is the worst fucking place on the planet.
Mary and her husband look like they are made of suet.
First, to Lou, who thinks these women are "politicians' wives," they're not. Not one cast member is a wife of a politician. Nor are any of the women politicians. So....that argument doesn't really hold up.
Second, to Gina: Michaele's real name is Missy. She went to high school with me (she is 4 years older, or so). Sadly, I didn't know much about her.
Third, to SGM, it's Mikail, like Gorbechev.
Last, I live in D.C. and it's an amazing place, as is Atlanta (but those bitches were HORRIFIC examples). These women, as we know from EVERY season, are exaggerations of what people want to see. Come on, people. Don't be as ignorant as the women on these shows.
And you're ALL obviously watching. Don't deny it.
SGM...love it.
OMG Stacy -- you hit it on the head. I forced myself to watch it in spurts just so that SGM could bring it to life for me. I wanted to smack Mary silly within two minutes and I vomited uncontrollably during the fabulous family photo session.
Ebong? Speechless.