I was in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner and my 6 year old and 3 year old asked to get on the computer. Sure. Their harmless little websites are bookmarked, and Google's Safesearch was on. I could clean in peace. Or so I thought.
After about 5 minutes, I heard shrieks and giggles coming from the computer room and walked in to find a big butt on the screen. A big, hairy, explicit ass with balls and a hint of penis. Like some dude had asked his friend to lie on the floor underneath him and take a picture as he squatted down.
How did this happen?
My kids did a Google image search for "pee and poo." Thanks a lot, Google. Thanks for showing my sweet innocent children the private parts of a strange and depraved man on the internet. There are some sick people out there, Google, but I never thought you were one of them. You are not allowed to watch my kids ever again, do you hear? I'm setting my home page to Yahoo, who will hopefully be more responsible and mature.
. . . was the trailer for Sex and the City. Yes, it's the one we've all seen, but it was so big and sparkling and beautiful! I was positively tingly over the largeness of it all.
It was all downhill from there. John Krasinski was pleasingly hunky and tall (oh, how I love his tallness!), but his character was bleh. Flat. As was the whole entire movie. I've never felt one way or another about George Clooney; frankly, in my mind he's still George the handyman from The Facts of Life.
Okay, who didn't LOVE The Facts of Life? My favorite was Natalie. Jo scared me, and I never could understand why any of the girls liked her. Remember that episode where she stole the beer and Mrs. G was so disappointed and then all of the girls were forced to work in the cafeteria as punishment? I think my aversion to the New York accent may stem from my dislike of Jo.
But back to George. He does absolutely nothing for me, probably because of his connection to Jo. I realize I'm in the minority on this one, and I'm at peace with that. Let's talk about Renee Zellweger. She drives me crazy! Not Rachael Ray or Alex McCord crazy, but more like "what's going on with her lips?" crazy.
Her character in this film had what I can only describe as MAC Viva Glam (you know, the original matte super-red that takes 3 days to remove from your face) smeared on her gigantic pursed lips all of the time. I couldn't take my eyes off of her caked LIPS--I swear they filled the entire screen! Oh, how I wanted to put some Aquaphor on her and wipe that shit off with a kleenex.
Anyhow, this movie was full of cliche and lipstick. Even the eye candy that is John Krasinski couldn't save it for me. WHICH, by the way, did anyone else feel a twinge of depression last week when Jim pulled out the ring?* Like "oh God, he's so happy and in love and I will never have a chance with him now" even though he's a completely fictional character? Okay.
Now let's end on a happy note: the Sex and the City trailer, right here for you to watch again because I know you want to. However, if you'd rather shift into a sad feeling at this point, then click here for a recent revelation about the movie by Cynthia Nixon that is kind of spoiler-y but not really because it is already everywhere.
*You people who watch The Office know what I'm talking about. To those of you who don't watch The Office--you need to get your priorities in order with regard to tv watching.
How's it going? I am so sorry that I had to cancel on you two weeks ago. As I said on my message, my oldest was barfing and there was just no way I could come in. I know I've canceled on you something like 3 times in the past 4 months, and I feel terribly about it. I swear I'm not A Canceler, but I'm sure you don't want to hear all of my excuses.
The truth is, I'm wondering if it's time we broke up. I'm sitting here with my roots grown out 1.5 inches, and my hair is dreadfully long and stringy, yet I haven't called you. Know why? Because I'm scared. I'm afraid you're going to punish me like you did last time and not get me in for 3 more weeks. I can't wait 3 weeks!
You know I love hearing about your ex-husband and your psychic and your on-and-off relationship with the guy who was built, as you put it, like "a brick shithouse." I'm not being sarcastic--I really do enjoy it. But lately you've been so quiet. My mother-in-law (who also goes to you) is telling me gossip that I should have heard from you. It's getting obvious that you're not that into me, and I think it shows in my hair. You haven't suggested anything helpful in at least a year; it's always "I think you should keep growing it out," and "let's stick with this color." I've needed some hair guidance lately, and you haven't been there for me. In fact, I feel like lately you've been giving me suburban hair. I'm not saying that you're doing it intentionally, but just that your usual effort isn't there.
I will never forget how you rescued me from my last hairdresser. It was so dysfunctional, the way that she would ask me what I wanted and then just do whatever the hell she wanted to do. I would say "I'd like to go a little warmer with my color," and she'd say "you mean cooler?" and I'd say "no, warmer." And then I'd leave with black hair, looking like an old, pathetic Goth. Do you remember that when I called you for the first time, desperate for some color correction, you got me in that day?
No doubt about it, we had some good times. Have I ever told you that most people think that my fake color is my real color? Yes, you are fantastic with the color. I'm afraid that I'll have to go through many colorists to find one as skilled as you, and this gives me much anxiety. However, I know in my heart that our relationship has run its course. It's been a great 3 years, but we both need to move on.
I wish you all the best in your future hair endeavors and I promise I will not talk shit about you to my new person.
because I done got myself a dvr, bitches! My already outstanding tv watching skills will be taken to new heights (as will my cable bill). I AM SO EXCITED!
The Supreme High Roller of 2008 is . . . my husband, Frank. If I could insert some sort of an anti-climatic "wah wah wah waaaah" sound clip, I would. I have had two totally objective contests on this blog and he has won them both. He won the first one by default* and this one, well, he wasn't even that interested. The man sat down for a good 45 minutes, filling out his bracket--for another pool--and only entered mine 1) as a favor to me and 2) because he thought we would be easy pickins. AND HE WINS THE WHOLE GD THING! So congratulations goes out to Frank. Whatever.
Thursday, April 24, 2008 
