April 3 is Unacceptable

[SGM, in a bikini top and cut-offs, screaming drunkenly in a Jersey accent]

"Listen up, you NBC mother-[bleepers]! I had to find out through a [bleeping] commercial that my regular Thursday night line-up won't [bleeping] resume until April 3? What a bunch of [bleeping bleeps]! Who's in control, you or the [bleeping] writers who [bleep] your tranny asses every night? April 3 ain't doing it for me, o-[bleeping]-kay? If I don't get some real [bleeping] tv soon, I will beat your [bleeping bleep] so hard that you will be begging me to let you clean the [bleeping] toilets on the set of Flavor of Love 3."*

*Note to NBC: This is what happens when real tv shows are taken away and one has no choice but to watch reality tv all of the time. I learned how to do some serious incoherent trash-talking, binge drinking and boobie-flashing while you sat around in your cushy offices "negotiating." You have created this monster, and if The Office and 30 Rock do not resume by March 13, I will come to your offices and go white-trash nutty on all y'all.

As Vanessa from A Shot at Love (pictured above) said during an interview in Episode 5, "just [bleeping] respect me" (I know I bashed this show previously, but I needed to make a point about gross reality tv and nothing is more gross (grosser?) than A Shot at Love).

Is no one going to mention it?

How Tim Gunn said "effing" on Project Runway's Chris-Rami showdown the other night? As in "that's a heavy effing coat," Rami?

If the cameras were off, do you think he would have said "Rami, this f*cking coat looks like it's made of f*cking lead. What the f*ck were you thinking? Make it f*cking work!"

I'll settle for effing. Much more gentlemanly, and just another reason to love him with all of my heart.

p.s. Speaking of effing: Blogger, what the eff is your problem? I can't handle the spacing problems.

Props

Thanks to Richele at Richie Designs for helping me with my Euro-fabulous new header! That's me in the middle with my entourage; don't you just love a man who can rock a fur collar?

If the header looks weird in any sort of only-a-graphic-designer-would-notice-it way, it's my fault because I had to mess with it to get it to conform to Blogger.

You're the bomb-diggity, Richie!

Are you watching enough reality tv?

I'm worried that you're not. Getting ahead in the business world (and life in general) means being able to use cultural references and speak about them intelligently. You cannot do this without being well-versed in reality tv. For example, imagine having dinner with some important clients when the subject of restraining orders and Kristy Jo (Rock of Love 2) comes up. You'll need to understand and contribute to what is being said.* It could be the difference between a cubicle and a corner office, or as reality tv watchers would say, the difference between that idiot Kendra from The Girls Next Door and Tim Gunn on Project Runway.

Are you concerned that you didn't fully understand that last sentence? Don't worry. I have a short quiz that will determine whether you are deficient in your reality tv viewing.

REALITY STAR IDENTIFICATION QUIZ

1. Give yourself 1 point for identifying this woman by name, and 1 point if you think she is too cute to be with that dude who got her knocked up.

2. One point for this man's first name. Hint: he's a douche and he has an awful accent, yet I'd probably do him if I were single.

3. One point for first name, another point for last name. Hint: look for him to be on Celebrity Rehab 2. Just kidding, Jeffrey (oops! freebie for you), and I would totally wear your clothes if I could pull off the rocker chick look in the 'burbs.

4. For most of you, this will be an easy one. One point for her first name and one point (to be awarded in the future) if you can predict when her marriage will end. For the record, I hope it's not anytime soon. I'm rooting for you, girl!

5. One point for identifying this guy by name. Give yourself another point if you find him crazy attractive even though he's mean and unattainable (gay).

6. Give yourself one point for identifying him by name. Also give yourself a point if you at least said to yourself "Oh! I know him. He's that little person on that TLC show who was arrested for drunk driving and I can't wait to see how that shit went down!"

7. One point for her first and last name, another point if you can tell me whether her first name starts with a "K" or a "C." Hint: she's the mama of the massive badonkadonk.

8. Last one! One point if you know her (stage) name; minus one point if you have watched her show. I am not one to judge a person's tv watching, but really. You should not be watching this ode to Jerry Springer. It is beneath you.

Congratulations! You have completed your testing. Answers are as follows (don't cheat because you're only cheating yourself):

1. Kat Von D from LA Ink

2. CT from The Real World, Paris and countless Real World-Road Rules challenges.

3. Jeffrey Sebelia, Project Runway Season 3 villain and winner.

4. Lauri Waring from Real Housewives of Orange County.

5. Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out.

6. Matt Roloff from Little People Big World.

7. Kris (Kardashian) Jenner from Keeping Up with the Kardashians. With a "K," just like the rest of the women in her family.

8. Tila Tequila. A link is not necessary.

Scoring:

There are 13 possible points.

If you scored anywhere from 10 - 13, congratulations! Are you the CEO of your company yet? Your reality tv knowledge is excellent.

If your score was below 10, don't be discouraged; I can help! You could really benefit from my upcoming post "The Essential Guide to Reality TV Watching."

So? How well did you do?

* An appropriate thing to say in this situation would be "she looks normal but she is one crazy bitch! Why is Brett keeping her around?" You can say "bitch" if the setting is casual, but use your own judgment. Another option would be to say "bleep."