"[Plastic surgery] makes people happier, it makes them fall back in love with themselves and become better people to everyone else."
Monday, March 1, 2010 
Ah, the philosophical musings of Alexis--how I do learn from her. Who knew that the key to happiness and personal fulfillment is just a few thousand dollars and a face-bashing away? I look forward to her upcoming treatise (co-authored by Heidi Montag), If God Didn't Want Me to Get Plastic Surgery, Then Why Did He Invent Brow Lifts? Or something like that.
Congratulations to those of you who have not yet given up on the Real Housewives of Orange County. Sitting through this last episode was a major achievement. The ridiculousness that we usually enjoy has now morphed into something sad and boring, much like Alexis' mom's face (joke), and leaves me begging for mercy, or at least a whole chocolate cake and a fork. Here's your recap!
1. Guess who Vicki has invited over for margaritas and sympathy? Jeana! I must say, she is a sight for sore eyes, and our eyes are indeed feeling very beat-up after seeing Vicki walk out in this:
An entire outfit made from cut-off Spanx and lace! "It's my weekend romper," Vicki says with a modest smile after Jeana has no choice but to comment on it. This is why I have not given up on this show. Thank you, Vicki.
Vicki tells the camera that she invited Jeana over because the other Housewives made her feel sad and wrinkly on the San Francisco trip. "I need real friends like Jeana," she says. Oh, the delicious irony! Vicki explains to Jeana that Tamra sided with Alexis, and then says that even though she and Jeana have had their tough times, Vicki has always had Jeana's back. I was dying for Jeana to spit out her drink in shock, but instead she nods vaguely. She later tells the camera, "Vicki deserved it a little bit. She didn't have my back." It's not the tongue-lashing I was hoping for, but that's our Eeyore Jeana. I'll take it.
"I have always had your back, Jeana. Except for when I repeatedly said you were irresponsible and broke and a crappy realtor. Then there were those several times that I mentioned you've done a terrible job raising your kids. I might have also pushed you out of the show and led the mean-spiritied t.p. attack on your house, but other than that, I've been totally loyal."
2. Alexis' mom Penelope comes to visit from Colorado to get a brow lift. We see them at the plastic surgeon's office and Alexis can barely contain her excitement as the doctor tries to upsell mom on other procedures, like permanent eyeliner. As bloggersabode commented, TRASHY. I thought permanent eyeliner was a back-alley job only. (Really, has anyone seen a good permanent eyeliner job? I want to know.)
3. Tamra visits Lynne at Lynne's mom's house. Lynne is trying to decide whether to leave Frank and Tamra says "let me ask you this: does he cheat on you?" Lynne, in all earnestness, says "No. He's germaphobic. He'd never cheat on me." Tamra looks stunned, then bursts into snorty laughter. Lynne clearly doesn't understand what's so funny, but that doesn't stop her from giggling up a storm.
"Do you see that tiny pink zebra pushing a shopping cart over there? Now that's funny!"
4. It's Tamra's 42nd birthday party with friends at a restaurant. "What a better way to celebrate that getting together with my hos and my 'mos and getting day drunk?" So, yeah. You can already see barf on jeweled flip flops, can't you?
Lynne is the only Housewife there. Cut to Vicki who asks the camera "who has a birthday party on a Tuesday at 11? I'M WORKING. Always working. In the middle of the day, I'm working." Really, Vicki? I had no idea.
Is anyone else's blood pressure totally elevated right now?
Instead of delivering Tamra's gift in person after she gets off WORK, Vicki has her assistant David drop it off. It's a show-off move, and Vicki's subtle way of saying that she's still pissed at Tamra for not pledging allegiance to the United States of Vicki.
David: "I'm just dropping off Vicki's present. It's a dvd of Vicki saying she can't buy you a present because she's too busy working."
Even while she's spilling her syrupy drink and getting hammered, Tamra knows she's been snubbed.
5. Alexis and her mom go to lunch. Alexis talks about how difficult it was to grow up in Missouri because she liked to wear make-up and heels while all the other girls liked to roll around in poo. Oh, she didn't say it outright about the poo, but that's what she meant. (Andy Cohen, you are from Missouri. I need to see you represent at the reunion, honey.)
The subject turns to mom's brow lift, and Alexis says her bit about plastic surgery and love, etc. She goes on to tell the camera that her mom really needs this brow lift because she is so simple, so plain, so washed-out. You know what I say to that?
TAKE HER TO THE DAMN LANCOME COUNTER AT MACY'S! Don't talk her in to spending $13,000 on a major surgery that she doesn't need! Even better, I'm sure Gretchen and Ronald Ann would love to get their hands on Penelope, and it wouldn't cost more than a couple hundred dollars. A brow lift won't fix the "simple, plain, washed-out" problem, but a little Gretchen Christine Beauté will (did you guys see she fixed the accent? Whew).
I have no objection to plastic surgery or any type of cosmetic procedure. Bearing children is murder on the boobs and the tummy. Some of us don't bounce back like others. Some of us think we have bad skin or big noses. If you have the money and the desire to fix it, do it. But when you're 32 and calling plastic surgery "maintenance" as well as a means to personal enlightenment, that's when I have to call bullshit.
6. Alexa and Raquel have dinner together at home and talk shit about their parents. My favorite line is "My parents just want to live out their dream. So, I don't know if this is what they consider their dream, getting evicted." And Lynne and Frank are burrrrrrned by the retard sisters.
7. Briana doesn't have cancer. She, Vicki and Donn celebrate with a shot of tequila. Woo hoo.
8. Lynne and Frank go out for dinner to decide whether their marriage is worth saving. Lynne talks about how much she's sacrificed--she's doing her own hair and skipped her spray tan this week. She's also having a baboon do her make-up (just a guess).
They murmur their clichés to each other and then decide to stay together. Big surprise.
9. Gretchen Christine Beauté makes its debut at the Women's Expo. Not exactly sure what that is, but Gretchen appears to be headlining it. She has obviously shelled out a lot of dough for her booth, which is really more of a satin tent with a disco floor and huge sexy photos of Gretchen herself.
According to Gretchen, thirty thousand people attended last year's expo, but this year? Empty. Crickets, except for one girl wearing an ipod and work-out clothes. Gretchen is confident it's just the bad economy and remains optimistic.
"I know you're just dropping off fliers for the Italian buffet next door, but can I interest you in a makeover and some dancing by Slade Smiley?"
10. I'm not even going to talk about Tamra's birthday dinner with Simon. Same old arguments (Vicki is like Hitler, Tamra is cuckoo-crazy and Simon doesn't tongue her in public anymore). They take a gondola ride to dee-vorce.
Next week, the FINALE and traditional end of season party. Alexa and Raquel get drunk, Lauri Waring makes an appearance, and Tamra screams to Simon "Iwantadivorcefuckyou!" Then, at long last, sweet relief when the Real Housewives of New York City premieres.
Reader Comments (60)
I think so too. I didn't watch for a while and then I saw him on with Wendy Williams. I was giggling the whole time! He's kind of amazing in that he can insult people in the most charming way.
Don't worry, SGM. I didn't forget to recap for you. I just wanted to make sure I watched it again. You know, so I could properly discuss.
I am so ready for this season to be over. It has been ridiculous and never ending.
Also, kudos to Franck for the SGM compliment in the comments. HUGS to Franck.
1. Do you know how pissed I was to see Jeana sitting there? I literally SCREAMED at the television "SHE'S LYING TO YOU, JEANA. DON'T FALL FOR IT." At least JKoww seems like she can roll her eyes at VIcki. The lace romper. Jesus Christ. The lace romper. Heinous. Absolutely terrible. I can't even think about it. The image was too terrible. Her saying "weekend romper" made me die a little on the inside. If it made of Spanx like you claim SGM, then those are very old, very worn out Spanx, as they seem to have lost their ability to contain all of VGunn.
It's like you were reading VGun's mind: "I have always had your back, Jeana. Except for when I repeatedly said you were irresponsible and broke and a crappy realtor. Then there were those several times that I mentioned you've done a terrible job raising your kids. I might have also pushed you out of the show and led the mean-spiritied t.p. attack on your house, but other than that, I've been totally loyal."
2. Was anyone else thrown off at Alexis' enthusiasm for not being the patient this time? And it got even worse once she heard the extent of her mother's procedures.
Sidenote: my ex boyfriend's grandmother had tattooed eyeliner and she looked amazing for 80.
3. Lynne saying Frank is a germophobe...HILARIOUS. The best part was that she was completely serious.
4. I'm all for a good time, especially on your birthday, but drunk at 11AM is a little much for me (exception: Sunday Funday). Of course Lynne is there...she was too high to say no or fake a prior engagement. Why are they throwing shit? The whole assistant dropping off the present thing makes me think VGunn is even meaner than I originally imagined. I mean, seriously. Uncalled for.
5. I hope Andy heeds your advice and represents for the StL at the reunion show. Basically everyone in Missouri is plain and doesn't cheat on their first husbands. I get confused here because she talks about how smooth her mom's forehead is before she even has the surgery. If your head is smooth, why the brow lift? I'm not anti-plastic surgery, I'm all for making yourself feel good, but this is out of control. And I have an idea, let's call your mother PLAIN one more time. My favorite part: "I don't know why she doesn't pay attention to her makeup and clothes, she doesn't work, I don't know what else she has to do."
Screw you, Alexis. And your giant fake lips/titties.
6. I'm predicting these airheads end up in Playboy.
7. Of course Briana doesn't have cancer. And the tequila. OY.
8. I will admit, my heart sang when they said they would work it out. These two need each other.
9. That place was DEAD. Except for a girl in workout gear. This is just weird. And why is Gretchen's picture everywhere (outside of her booth)? You know those other people with their women's empowerment booths are PISSED this broad showed up.
10. God this dinner was uncomfortable. Comparing people to Hitler on national television = not appropriate. Or as Vicki would say "not classy."
I can't wait for the finale next week. OVER. IT.
Doesn't Andy Cohen make you feel like you could be best girlfriends?
As I type this, Ramoner and her jewelry are on HSN!!
Check it out!
Love your blog,
"Basically everyone in Missouri is plain and doesn't cheat on their first husbands." OMG! OMG! Take that, ALEXIS!
I think Andy's universal likability is why he's a veep at Bravo. Go ahead, everyone, tell me how annoying he is, but listen. I am a tough customer when it comes to schmoozy media types. I have tried my best to not like Andy Cohen. But I like him. I like him a lot (feel free to say it in the Dumb and Dumber accent).
Also, (my) Frank, God love him, was just being a kiss-ass. He had a racquetball game tonight and wanted my blessing.
Going straight to HSN right now--thanks for the tip!
Samuel Langhorne Clemens was from the same "plain" town as Alexis. Hannibal, Missouri is a small town, but it is a place she could be proud of if she could see past the "glitz and glamour."
Love you SGM...thanks for having our backs here in Missouri. Um...just so the rest of you know, girls from MU don't roll around in poo, that was a KU fan just being funny. MU and KU love to tease one another, but we actually share Kansas City and are proud of our city.
See you Saturday Jayhawk!
SGM...you can blame Alexis for bringing a border war to your blog (all in good fun)!
SGM,
You will always be the master recapper.
No one will ever match the effortlessness of throwaway lines like "...not pledging allegiance to the United States of Vicki."
Perfection.
BORDER WARS! BORDER WARS!!
Sadly, Alexis's departure has not only devistated my home state of Missouri, it has also ripped us asunder from our sister state, Kansas. I hope you can sleep at night. Oh wait - what am I thinking? Of course you can. You've had plastic surgery so you can sleep WELL at night in the knowledge that you are a good, happy person who is SO not plain.
I have to agree w/some other posts, as much as I dislike her, Vicki DOES work, as do most people who work, at 11 a.m. so probably cannot leave to go get day-drunk with Tamara's ho's and mo's. And was it just me, or was former housewife Tammy looking ROUGH? Yikes....
Lynne and Frank are endearing to me in their cluelessness. The more I see them, the more I like them. The more I see them, the scarier Lynne looks, but darn it if I don't hold a soft spot in my heart for her.
Mwah!
Shan
Here's a little end-of-season game: ROHC jumped the shark when ____________.
P.S. I was watching old episodes yesterday--remember Lou Knickerbocker and his OC Angels energy drink?? LOL. He mumbled a few words of chemistry for authenticity (We can make water out of air)..and then went on to exhort the wholesomeness of his tarted up spokesgirls ("they don't have tattoos or piercings" -- Or a brain, Lou) Also laughed at Laurie walking into her old townhouse where she let her daughter live to find dog poo all over and bags of trash overflowing. Not classy.
Jill, Countess and Kelly were on the Joy Behar Show last night. Kelly is indeed an idiot. Interesting to see her take on the confrontation with Bethanny last season. I am sure it will be rerun today.
True, but The Countess and Bethenny are idiots too--socially, if not intellectually.
SGM,
I was not being a kiss-ass at all. I do as I please, and if playing racquetball is what I want to do then I do it! The other day when I was doing tequilla shots and talking with Jim and Simon they were so surprised that I even tell you I am going to go play. As the conversation went on they were both pretty shocked that when I get home from racquetball that you are not there waiting for me in a pair of booty shorts and a bra with the shower running for me. ( They also did comment that I should probably start wearing more Ed Hardy shirts.) But if you really want to argue with me about your body I guess we can call Father Jim and ask him and his wife over for breakfast and see what Father Jim thinks.
Frank
she's right, we really did roll around in poop and hop over 'cricks in Missoura with our little bags of candy clutched tightly in our grubby, un-manicured hands.
Dear SGM,
Frank was not playing racquetball. As you know, I do freelance work as a dog groomer/human-hair consultant. Frank came by the salon because he is thinking of getting a Prince Valiant haircut and wanted my professional opinion. We tried several mockups, and he has decided to "go for it." I am telling you this because I do not want his absence the other night to be a source of friction in your marriage.
Sincerely,
Harvey Millstein, CID
Anon, I am not engaging in friendly teasing. There is nothing friendly about the KU MU border war. You all do roll around in poo.
What surprises me most about you playing raquetball, Frank, is that means you and SGM spend time apart. Couples in love NEVER spend time APART.
I thought it was funny when Alexis said she was going to spend some time with her mom as she recovered at the rehab place & they show her playing with her phone/sending text messages.
Good recap btw, you has me lol. Way better than watching the actual show.
Jayhawk, I am sorry you feel the need to be insulting. I thought you were kidding, my mistake. Seems to me your the one slinging the poo.
That should say "you're the one slinging the poo"...sorry SGM, I know you are a stickler for grammar. Also, I apologize for bringing a hostile post to your blog. It certainly was not my intention. I visit this site because it puts a smile on my face, not to cause trouble. Damn you Alexis!
As a native Californian, I'm sure I can speak for 98.2% of the state and say we don't want Alexis, either. The other portion are directly connected to businesses involved in her upkeep (maintenance) and can't stand her but don't want her leave in this economy.
Jayhawk and Mizzou
Do I need to referee you?
We all know who
Rolls around in poo
Alexis and Jim, I'm talkin about you.
P.U.!
(thank you)
I love how high jacked this thread got- Brilliant! As a born and raised SoCal babe myself I can agree that the "O.C." as it's now fondly referred to was/is and will always be lame. We used to call it the "Orange Curtain" and would only venture there for a free beach house weekend in Laguna. Laguna IS beautiful and still pretty authentic and down to earth. And I too am having issue with the recap within the recap. It's messes with my ADD/Dyslexia somethin' fierce!!! Just sayin'...
Love your blog!
Did anyone else notice that Alexis had on a track suit when she dropped off her mom for surgery, but when she picked her up, she had a totally different outfit on. WTF? I'm assuming she went to the gym to work off all that bread while Penny was in surgery.
Wait, I'm confused. If Vicki can look at herself in the mirror in The Weekend Romper and have enough self confidence to say, "Okay! Camera ready!", then why does she give a SHIT about whatever those ladies are "bashing" her about? She needs to prioritize her self-esteem issues.
Does Alexis even realize how ridiculous her lips look while she's busy calling her own mother plain???
Funniest comment:
"I'm assuming she went to the gym to work off all that bread"
Anon- Vicki feels great and sexy around her dumpy-frumpy friends. She's the cat's meow! When she gets around the prettier, younger, thinner, nicer bodied babes and seemingly more attentive husbands that she falls apart. Think about it- when the show first began it was Jeanna (plump with mole), Laurie (he-she), Jo (dating Slade=loser no matter how pretty/thin), and that other blonde tranny lady that moved back to the Midwest. The playing field was a little more equal in her mind.