The Assholes of Facebook
Thursday, August 20, 2009 
The best. thing. ever. From cnn.com:
Here are 12 of the most annoying types of Facebook users:
The Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day Bore. "I'm waking up." "I had Wheaties for breakfast." "I'm bored at work." "I'm stuck in traffic." You're kidding! How fascinating! No moment is too mundane for some people to broadcast unsolicited to the world. Just because you have 432 Facebook friends doesn't mean we all want to know when you're waiting for the bus.
The Self-Promoter. OK, so we've probably all posted at least once about some achievement. And sure, maybe your friends really do want to read the fascinating article you wrote about beet farming. But when almost EVERY update is a link to your blog, your poetry reading, your 10k results or your art show, you sound like a bragger or a self-centered careerist.
The Friend-Padder. The average Facebook user has 120 friends on the site. Schmoozers and social butterflies -- you know, the ones who make lifelong pals on the subway -- might reasonably have 300 or 400. But 1,000 "friends?" Unless you're George Clooney or just won the lottery, no one has that many. That's just showing off.
The Town Crier. "Michael Jackson is dead!!!" You heard it from me first! Me, and the 213,000 other people who all saw it on TMZ. These Matt Drudge wannabes are the reason many of us learn of breaking news not from TV or news sites but from online social networks. In their rush to trumpet the news, these people also spread rumors, half-truths and innuendo. No, Jeff Goldblum did not plunge to his death from a New Zealand cliff.
The TMIer. "Brad is heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Boundaries of privacy and decorum don't seem to exist for these too-much-information updaters, who unabashedly offer up details about their sex lives, marital troubles and bodily functions. Thanks for sharing.
The Bad Grammarian. "So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippe". Yes, I know the punctuation rules are different in the digital world. And, no, no one likes a spelling-Nazi schoolmarm. But you sound like a moron.
The Sympathy-Baiter. "Barbara is feeling sad today." "Man, am I glad that's over." "Jim could really use some good news about now." Like anglers hunting for fish, these sad sacks cast out their hooks -- baited with vague tales of woe -- in the hopes of landing concerned responses. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for attention.
The Lurker. The Peeping Toms of Facebook, these voyeurs are too cautious, or maybe too lazy, to update their status or write on your wall. But once in a while, you'll be talking to them and they'll mention something you posted, so you know they're on your page, hiding in the shadows. It's just a little creepy.
The Crank. These curmudgeons, like the trolls who spew hate in blog comments, never met something they couldn't complain about. "Carl isn't really that impressed with idiots who don't realize how idiotic they are." [Actual status update.] Keep spreading the love.
The Paparazzo. Ever visit your Facebook page and discover that someone's posted a photo of you from last weekend's party -- a photo you didn't authorize and haven't even seen? You'd really rather not have to explain to your mom why you were leering like a drunken hyena and French-kissing a bottle of Jagermeister.
The Maddening Obscurist. "If not now then when?" "You'll see..." "Grist for the mill." "John is, small world." "Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not." [Actual status updates, all.] Sorry, but you're not being mysterious -- just nonsensical.
The Chronic Inviter. "Support my cause. Sign my petition. Play Mafia Wars with me. Which 'Star Trek' character are you? Here are the 'Top 5 cars I have personally owned.' Here are '25 Things About Me.' Here's a drink. What drink are you? We're related! I took the 'What President Are You?' quiz and found out I'm Millard Fillmore! What president are you?"
You probably mean well, but stop. Just stop. I don't care what president I am -- can't we simply be friends? Now excuse me while I go post the link to this story on my Facebook page.
I would have posted this link on my facebook page, but I am currently in hiding. One of my Sympathy Baiter friends was all, "so you haven't been reading my status updates?" and I had to respond, "Oh, I never check facebook."
FYI, I am a MAJOR Creepy Lurker and now because I am posting this, a smidge of Town Crier/Person who Posts Viral Crap. So which one are you? Do you have any types to add?
photo from here, and thanks to my real life friend Susie for posting this story on her facebook page and then calling me to ask why I didn't comment on it. You the best, Sus.
Reader Comments (14)
Uh oh, I'm the self-promoter (posting blog updates), creepy lurker and sympathy baiter. Oh man, I suck!
so very awesome. the friend padder is my favorite. as in, i realize you were a little unpopular in high school, but 800 FB friends? really??
it's the jesus promoters that make me want to buy a shovel and some lime.
the ones who quote the bible for no reason whatsoever. the ones who think it's ok to blast their bullshit opinion on why gays shouldn't be allowed to marry. those are the ones that rile me up.
What about the people that post their political views on a daily basis (or even sometimes hourly basis)? I had a friend who wrote about the healthcare bill saying, "Please, read the bill people!" As if he had even looked at the 1300 pages of crap. Having a political view does not make someone an omnipotent expert on all current events in the political arena and a "social networking site" (in my opinion) is not the proper forum to spout your views. I don't want to check to see how you and your family are and get a lecture on cap and trade!
One of my very oldest friends is The Sympathy-Baiter and it makes me crazy. For one thing, she's 33 and is just trying to get attention. It's so embarassing!
That picture is disgusting and quite possibly gave me lung cancer.
SGM,
What about the stoners out there that post You Tube videos of the Rolling Stones or some old Hank Williams tunes? Then on my wall I have the Daily Scripture quoter, yikes!
Love the Blog, Mazel, Muffy
What about the "celebrity befriender?" Personally I am most annoyed by the "let-me-tell-you-every-detail of my boring day" posters. Like you, i tend to be a creepy lurker, but am self conscious enough of my creepy lurking to carefully avoid mention of anything i might have seen through said creepy lurking.
I post music lyrics and trivia... it annoys the hell out of my sister! I'm a bit of the Lurker and the Let me tell you about my day (although not in intimate detail).
This made my night! I cannot stop laughing...and you know I posted it on Facebook for all to see!
Ooooh, I am also a celeb befriender.
The other one that bugs me is the "Eating the delicious pancakes my husband made for me and playing with my beautiful daughter!"
Uh, no you're not. You're on the goddamn computer.
I can't stand when people make plans on their walls: "I can't wait to get together tonight!"
"Me neither. Where should we go?" "Let's..." And then, of course, the follow up: "Had the best time last night! Let's get together again soon!" "Yeah, me too! It was so crazy!" "Call me, I'll be home by 6:00." "Can't, I'll be at the gym." "What are you doing Thursday?"
Why don't you just call eachother, ding dongs?
I HATE HATE HATE the quizzes. I mean, COME ON, you take quiz after quiz after quiz. after. quiz. And then publish them and clog our newsfeed?! Really, it may just be jealously.....I WISH I had hours to waste quiz taking. Who are these people and what do they do for a living? I am proud to say I have yet to take one quiz. The only one I almost took was the "what are your tits named" or something like that. Who cares what your name means in Arabic or what Star Trek character you are like.......hate them all.
you mean telling people I had a UTI last week wasn't kosher? ;)
yah...I've probably broke 3 or 4 of these myself.
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what do you do with a family member who's a Jesus freak? I can't unfriend her she's my flippin cousin! I'm all down with "J" he's my homeboy... but I just think if you've gotta talk about it, it means you're not walking your talk.